Grrrr, why does this irk me so!?! Warning - this is about private schools!

[BogeyNights]

DS1 has just started high school. Got into our first choice (state) school, and he's settled in great. We, as in my DH and DS are all really pleased with our choice and we are incredibly relieved and happy that things are going well so far.
My DS2 is at Junior (state) school, and this too is fantastic. We love the school, staff, ethos and atmosphere and both boys have been (and are) very happy there.

So why does it grate on me so much that all (and I mean ALL) their cousins go to private schools. I feel like the poor relative, which is crazy because we're not. And I have to listen to the parents bang on about 'speech day' and 'saturday school', 'entrance exams' and 'after school prep' and other such stuff. And now there's chat about 'having to find a sporty school for cousin Billy because it's so important to him.'

State schools do offer sport! Some of them even 'specialise' in sport. DSs school offers sports clubs before and after school and at lunch EVERY DAY. But is specialises in humanities (whatever that means!) and other schools specialise in science and other subjects. What the heck is wrong with state schools - btw all the cousins live in 'naice' areas of the country, where the term 'special measures' is no doubt very rarely applied to a school near them.

I know it's all about choice but I still grates. Although on reflection, I suppose I know lots more kids that go to state schools and they're all ok - ie the ones who go with my kids!

Just a rant, and a grumble... thanks for listening :)

teacherwith2kids OMG, have you seriously had comments like that?

Mum,

Yes. From 3 generations - grandparents, BIL / SIL and their children [younger than mine]. It is....mildly upsetting. However, the ILs have form - FIL will have nothing to do with my DS because he is my son and looks like me, to the point of declaring that he can't be my DH's son.

Teacher, that is horrendous- hope your revenge is indeed sweet.

I had to refrain from significant violence, though, when DNephew said to DS 'Your mum and dad can't love you as much as my mum and dad love me - they won't even pay for you to go to a proper school."

Teacher No way! That's awful if people can say that to you. Plain rude. And FIL sounds like an arse.

teacherwith2kids 'Your mum and dad can't love you as much as my mum and dad love me - they won't even pay for you to go to a proper school." Lets see how far they get spouting crap like that in the workplace.

Recvenge is quite likely to be sweet. For one thing, the DC's comprehensive significantly outperforms the local private that we are supposedly 'abusing our children' by not sending them to - never let a good fact get in the way of a rooted prejudice....

MumTrying: I think you misunderstood me. I was replying very specifically to someone from page 1. I never said private was better, and all 3 of my kids have gone to both state and private schools, and they have also HEd.

My 3 kids have attended a total of 11 schools, over a total of 32 years+ various bits of HE. My impression is that no school is perfect; we are all muddling along doing the best we can.

claraschu MumTrying: I think you misunderstood me. Ah, I did, sorry

As the other half of a teacher, who works at private school, private schools really are not all that. Infact quite the opposite. Children in private schools are taught to the exam, they become needy and are completely reliant on the teacher telling them how and what to revise or do. Parents also become needy, it's a bizarre world. Trust, your children are in the real world, they will grow to stand on their own two feet. And they will not be taught to pass the exam, they will actually know their stuff!

That may be true of the school your other half works at pink, but it's not true of the ones my DD's attend/ed (bar one, which wasn't in this country and my DDs found stifling).
From being in the lower junior years they are taught and encouraged to be independent learners, so that by the GCSE years they know how to read around their subject to expand and extend their knowledge. Their teachers gradually become facilitator in their education rather than just an imparter of knowledge.
Yes, they have support in the process (shown where to go to find the information they're looking for, research methods etc), but it's not handed to them on a plate. But then, there are good and bad schools in all sectors.

Teacher, those comments are awful! My friend's mother used to say similar things - 'You really should send them to a private sixth form, for a bit of 'polish''. Just unbelievable! My friend did get her revenge when the exam results came out though. I hope the same is true for you.

My SIL has gone to very very great lengths (nearly bankrupt herself) to take three of her children out of the state system despite being in the catchment for some very successful state schools. They are simply not good enough for her kids. Obviously they are good enough for mine.

As for the 'you need to choose what's best for YOUR child' - it's amazing how many parents think that their child being bright marks them out as not suited for state funded education....

teacher2 I find those comments really had to believe. Really who says that sort of thing, I'm assuming batty old aunts or bratty children.
You need to practise your 'fuck off glare'

OP, it sounds as if it's the vocabulary your relations are using that's getting your goat. But how would it be if the families practised 'state lingo' en route.
'now Tarquin it's homework not prep and dinner not lunch, don't embarrass them!'
FWIW I never noticed any sneering when mine were at state primary, but I did feel chippy when friends talked about prep and pre prep.
And those leafy suburbs they live in? Often not great schools as they're expensive to live in and a bit of a cul de sac career wise. They probably every time you mention the school bus or shorter school day, and they'll be envious that at least you'll see the money back on the house!'

I went to state school & achieved academically. My children are at state school & the older is an academic high flyer (too early to judge the younger).

I actually think your parents education and aspirations have a far greater influence than the school. But I am incredibly proud of DD1, as I feel her results are all hers, not the result of pushing and cramming by the school.

Plus, one of her best friends comes from the sort of home that would have private school parents pearl clutching - exactly what they send their darlings private to avoid (drug convictions, big scary dog, evicted from council house for non payment etc). She is a great girl & doing well academically, so I am super proud my DD1 hasn't been taken in my stereotypes but has been able to mix and make friends with people whose life isn't as safe and protected as hers.

Sorryforher - to be fair, 'best for their child' might not just apply to being bright - for example, a good friend of mine has decided against sending her DD to the outstanding state secondary closest to her house, as it's a huge school and her DD is rather a quiet and shy girl and while they are great with bright children and great with children with SEN, they aren't that great with nurturing quiet 'middle of the road' children. Luckily, where she lives theres another smaller secondary school she can use, albeit one not 'outstanding'.

If there wasn't and I had her DD, I might be tempted to look round smaller private schools with good pastoral care.

Different children thrive in different environments. I don't think my DS will struggle at all in a large school being a loud show off very confident, but I can already see from amongst his friends there are a few who'd struggle in a very big secondary school. If you can afford private, then it is possible to look at all the schools in your area to decide which is best, and best doesn't always just mean "does it churn out a pile of A*s" for a lot of children.

We've chosen state so far, and I believe we will for secondary as well, but we've got great schools to pick from, we could just about afford private at a real push, but I don't feel we need it for our DCs, however I know other people have made different choices, I don't take their choice as an insult to mine, just assuming they've picked what they think is best for their DC given their income, and 'best' covers so much, not just what grades DCs leave with.

I won't feel smug if my state educated DS leaves with higher grades than their DCs, because it's so depressing to think that educational experience is only valued by the grades you end up with. School is much more than a qualification gaining exercise to my mind.

"teacher2 I find those comments really had to believe. Really who says that sort of thing, I'm assuming batty old aunts or bratty children. "

FIL, SIL, BIL and their children ..... but my ILs are legendary.

Is it me or are there a lot of mums on this site with children at private schools?

Only 10% (or thereabouts) of the UK population attend private / independent schools. Don't let it bother you!

I'm glad my close friends and relations don't mind me talking about our and our children's experiences with schools, both private and state, without assuming there is some implied judgement. Rather than me just talking about our lives, just as they talk about their lives and I listen without judgement.

I'm fascinated by the private school threads on here. The endless discussions of the various merits of particular schools Wellington vs Stowe for example.

I've come to the conclusion that the people that send their kids there are buying a certain way of life as well as an education. There's a certain very set route through life they want their children to take, mixing with a certain type of person and making the right contacts. Getting into The Perfect School and then paying a fortune for it is how they try to guarantee it.

I went to a private girls boarding school for nearly three years so I can compare state vs private and IMO as long as you're giving the right support at home there's not much to choose between the two.

"Only 10% (or thereabouts) of the UK population attend private / independent schools. Don't let it bother you!"

It wouldn't bother me if it didn't enabled the hothoused children of the privileged to scramble up over the backs of children like mine to snaffle a disproportionate number of the best university places, internships and positions of power in medicine, science, politics and business.

What makes you think that all children who are privately education are hothoused and snap up the best university places? There are a HANDFUL of superselective academic private school which send a large number of people to the "best university places" (whatever that is supposed to me - I am assuming Oxbridge). These children in these schools are hardly hothoused, and work their tails off. Most private schools are pretty average, and some shockingly academically poor.

Also, it is not private education which gets the internships, but parental money and connections. Are you saying that every people with money and connections send their child to private schools?

every person - not people!

"I've come to the conclusion that the people that send their kids there are buying a certain way of life as well as an education."

Yes - I wanted to buy a way of life where finding academic subjects to be fun and interesting is considered normal, where boys aren't ridiculed for enjoying singing more than football, and so on. And no, this isn't sheltered lifelong private school mum making assumptions, this is why we removed my kids from state school.

"There's a certain very set route through life they want their children to take, mixing with a certain type of person and making the right contacts. "

Not in the slightest. My daughter is involved in a couple of rather unusual sports. She's been lucky recently and has made several "right contacts." None of them have had anything whatsoever to do with where she went to school.

But absolutely going to a school which didn't throw a fit and threaten us with court at the concept of her having a week off several times a year to compete internationally was an issue for us. I guess you could also call that buying a way of life.