Grrrr, why does this irk me so!?! Warning - this is about private schools!

[BogeyNights]

DS1 has just started high school. Got into our first choice (state) school, and he's settled in great. We, as in my DH and DS are all really pleased with our choice and we are incredibly relieved and happy that things are going well so far.
My DS2 is at Junior (state) school, and this too is fantastic. We love the school, staff, ethos and atmosphere and both boys have been (and are) very happy there.

So why does it grate on me so much that all (and I mean ALL) their cousins go to private schools. I feel like the poor relative, which is crazy because we're not. And I have to listen to the parents bang on about 'speech day' and 'saturday school', 'entrance exams' and 'after school prep' and other such stuff. And now there's chat about 'having to find a sporty school for cousin Billy because it's so important to him.'

State schools do offer sport! Some of them even 'specialise' in sport. DSs school offers sports clubs before and after school and at lunch EVERY DAY. But is specialises in humanities (whatever that means!) and other schools specialise in science and other subjects. What the heck is wrong with state schools - btw all the cousins live in 'naice' areas of the country, where the term 'special measures' is no doubt very rarely applied to a school near them.

I know it's all about choice but I still grates. Although on reflection, I suppose I know lots more kids that go to state schools and they're all ok - ie the ones who go with my kids!

Just a rant, and a grumble... thanks for listening :)

It's probably a mixture of them showing of and you perhaps just a tiny bit doubting your choices which sound great to me.

I know the feeling - I have one lot of judgy in-laws whose child is at a prep school and are really snarky at my children going to the local primary in a non-posh area. Also as I went to private schools, a number of my classmates are now sending their children private because it didn't occur to them to do otherwise (and in most cases the grandparents are paying).

So far my kids don't seem to be missing out on anything except cricket, but have had a number of cultural school trips and classes the others have envied. And I have to organise swimming and maybe individual music lessons separately. Given we nor the gps could afford private, it's quite a relief.

Ignore and encourage your DC in every way you can.
Both my elder DC got far better results than my DF DC at private did.
They spent very penny on Private school while we paid off our mortgage-she wishes she had considered our local secondary (fantastic results) but felt pressured by her parents.
Best to focus on your DC.

I think also you have to remember that people do tend to chat about what's happening at school, it's easy chit-chat especially with someone who also has school age dc. They probably aren't registering that 'prep' and 'saturday school' aren't relevant to you, IYKWIM.

I've got friends with dc in private school, I'm just glad I don't live in London somewhere where that is a viable option, so we can be happy with state cos that's all there is!

Yanbu.

I dont know. I've noticed my private school acquaintances do seem to talk about their DC's school a lot. They also love it if they here about incidents on the bus that takes the other DC to the local comp. I just mention how good it is that all the local DC get some independence by travelling on the bus. This shuts them up because they drive their DC.

It's so hard isn't it, when it could be something you could do if you just gave up XYZ rather than if you could never afford it - there's the fear you are saying "what's best for our family" and you mean "what's best for us as a couple, but not what's best for each individual child" - and it's not just school choice, but many parenting decisions, from WOH/SAHM, or diet, or what sports/instruments/classes/clubs/hobbies you expose them too, too much or not enough freedom, there are so many ways we get the fear we have made the wrong choice - and our children will have to live with the concequences of our choices.

Education is so stressful because someone picking private does give you the fear that they know something you don't...

It's sadly the lot of a middle class mother to feel stressed about every choice we make and to constantly worry we've got it wrong, the trick is to give off an air of one who's got it all right...

As others have said, there are good and bad schools in both sectors (and good for one child might be a hideous choice for another). Equally, there are some really dire holidays to be had in the Caribbean and great holidays to be had close to home (or vice versa).

Personally I think it is quite rude to query whether parents put any thought into how they would choose the most suitable education for their child, but hey!

For me, a good school is one that engages your child...they are helped to find their niche...and they love to go each morning (yep, no experience of teenagers yet!). If you have found a "free of charge" school that delivers that, and it sounds as if you considered £ alternatives, then celebrate the money you have to spend on treats (or sensible investments)!

You seem anxious about your choice. The chances are that your children have a great circle of friends within an easy walking distance and you have an immediate circle of parent friends for school run/outings/childminding etc.

My boarding school brother constantly reminds me of this (I think he had a few long, slow, holidays with his brother and baby sister because his friends were at least 20 miles away in that pre-internet/cheap phone call age).

I do feel for you OP. But I think you have to let this go.

You've made the right choice for your family, they've made the right choice for theirs. It's not their fault that they've decided to go private and you feel strange about it.

We send our DCs to a private school. It's a stretch, and we have missed out on a bigger house / better car etc etc. Fine. That's our choice.

We have acquaintances who have two properties, a 4x4, plus a Mini Cooper, and a couple of expensive holidays a year and designer clothing. They are also incredibly unhappy about the state school their DCs go it. More importantly, their DCs are unhappy there.
However, they refuse to pay for one of the excellent private schools on their doorstep. And I have no idea why. It's not as if they are hippies.
My point is, that we have no real idea why they have made that decision, I assume they have reasons, but I don't understand it.

Likewise, lots of people do not understand why we chose the Prep school for our DCs. And lots of our friends send their kids to amazing state schools, and I'm happy for them. And rather envious that they a.) live near great schools, and b.) their kids are smart / together enough to get the most out of them.

And if it makes you feel any better, it irks me that I sometimes have to bite my tongue about all the great things that my DCs school offers because I feel it would be tactless, but I have to listen endlessly about how great the state schools are that my friends send their DCs to.

Newgirl123 - is that right re state schools outperforming independent in sports? I am the least sporty person on earth (perhaps because I was comp educated )and have no first-hand knowledge of whether private or state is better but I was rather under the impression that there was much hand-wringing about the disproportionate representation of independent educated people in elite sports and the gulf between achievement in independent and state sectors. E.g. here here here etc

Given that I was a bit surprised by what you said - are you talking about specific schools?

We have educated state and private - children currently in private and I, like oldladyhip, have found lots of my friends are quite happy to talk about their state schools in depth but talking about our school seems taboo. The youngest DC started reception this Sep (at private mainly to fit in with older siblings drop offs at same school) so I was naturally asking lots of friends from nursery/toddler groups etc how their children had settled in. They were quite happy to spend a long time telling me about the great things at their schools but not a single person even asked whether my DC had settled happily and made friends, it made me quite sad actually. So perhaps the feeling of exclusion works both ways!

tess that's not nice. I can see how hurtful that is. I'd think it was common courtesy to ask after your children. How is your DC settling in?

mary I want to know you in RL! You sound so wise & levelheaded!!

oldladyhip I am starting to let it go thank goodness. This discussion has been cathartic. There's no right answer. I know that. It's just now I have to learn to accept it.

Great post Marywest I totally agree.

OP - Education is an emotional issue for parents.

Also if you have paid a lot for something - you have a very strong motive for wanting to think it is better.

You're right. People with children at private school should not talk about their child's school in any way. They should say nothing and definitely not use any of the terminology applicable to that school. How dare they talk about their educational choice? They "bang on" about speech day, Saturday school and after school prep because those are the phrases used to describe activities at their school. Shoud they change the names?

Look inside yourself and work out why you are so upset and judgy about people talking about private school.

Sorry.

I just get fed up with the attitude so common on MN that you can't talk about private schools because if you do you are bragging or being snooty or some such crap, rather than just talking about your child's school.

Well, it depends on the chat. If someone is telling me about their child's school in general terms or things of interest/humorous anecdotes - great. If, however, I get the "Oh, we chose private because X is so bright," or "Education is really important to us," or "We really care about our children" (all of which I have been told - unprompted) then it is very annoying to say the least.

I wouldn't worry I find people can be sniffy either way. My Dd goes to an out of catchment state school that gets great results & that some mistake for private. We are lucky that we can just about afford the train fare. Some people are sniffy because she chose not to go to the local state(s) and some just literally stopped talking to me because we didn't send her to the private school (with the hidden drug problem).

bogeynights - settling in really well thanks (launches into 20 min monologue about polo ponies, helipads and the importance of ensuring your 4 year old has a really good start to their education)

Actually we went private initially because DC1 was being horribly bullied for 2 years in their old school and the school (which was in special measures) was being very defeatist in (not) dealing with it. We went to see all the local state and private (3 of each) and chose this one, which happened to be private, mainly because it was the most nurturing school we saw, our 2nd favourite was state but had no places anyway. Even knowing all of that several people I thought were good friends effectively dropped us over the decision. It just seemed really hard to have a conversation about how the DC were doing without appearing to be making a judgment about each others choices. I guess it is so sensitive a subject that it is easy for people to perceive criticism.

Tess. Helipad!!

Owl I'm not digging at those on MN. Well, not purposely. I just wanted to vent my neurosis about something, which when you sit back and listen to yourself (that's me, btw, not you), is so damn emotional, irrational & probably a bit stupid. And the therapy worked. I do feel better now I've discussed my feelings.

My DS is at state school and has friend at private school. I have overheard them discussing it - private boy 'you have to PAY to go to my school' - state boy 'oh unlucky, my school is free'. Apart from that they couldn't find any differences from 9 year old pov. Made me chuckle anyway.

OP - we are all in the same boat about feeling that we've not done the right things for our kids, and our are at private school. Or at least, we could always do more. Even though we are happy, they are happy, and it would be counter productive.

I sometimes wonder that we should be doing more to support our DCs. We don't do any extra tuition - no ferrying about to Kumon maths and extra French, although I see load of parents (especially state schooled kids' parents) round here dashing from activity to activity.
So even though we have chosen independent school, I still feel that I could be chucking more money and effort at it. There is, after all, always a better school out there… but where would the madness stop?

It sounds as if your DCs are doing well and are happy. That's all that matters.

Oh and for those who grit their teeth at not talking about the private schools although we have to listen all about state - my personal favourite is listening about forest school. Yes, it's great that your kids go to the woods every month, and I hear about it every bloody week. But can I say (just once) that my DC's also get to roam about massive private grounds with woods that they can explore, and cricket, and football, and hockey pitches that they can run around on.
But I can't say that in real life, because it would be crass, tactless, and make me sound like a tit.

only joking re the helipad and polo ponies the school doesn't even have it's own pool, they have to trek to the senior school next-door

OP it's hard.

I now never mention schooling to my extended family despite the fact that there are many cousins around the stage.

I only answer direct questions and even then am circumspect.

The one I really fel sorry for is my mum. She has no bragging rights as a granny.

Tess I did guess you were joking!
Pure it seems we all have our 'issues' and yes, when does the madness stop. But don't let me go back to the old worries of "are my kids doing enough outside of school...?" Bollocks to that, I leave the choice up to the boys nowadays.

I don't think this is a private school thing, rather an issue of someone doing something different in their immediate circle of family and friends.

I say this as I did the polar opposite - all state educated in both families and all friends have state educated children - and when we decided to send out eldest to private we had a lot of bad feelings from a number of people, including family. It is as if we had "broken ranks".

Of course people who are close friends actually were pleased we finally managed to have a DD1 who is happy after years of no friends and a really bad time, but most didn't even ask how she was getting on and many passed lots of judgements, unkind remarks and ridiculous comments.

I have learned to ignore what people think.

As completely different example, but when I moved to the UK age 19 from a different country I had similar from people and so did my parents. IGNORE IGNORE and IGNORE is my advice!!!