Grrrr, why does this irk me so!?! Warning - this is about private schools!

[BogeyNights]

DS1 has just started high school. Got into our first choice (state) school, and he's settled in great. We, as in my DH and DS are all really pleased with our choice and we are incredibly relieved and happy that things are going well so far.
My DS2 is at Junior (state) school, and this too is fantastic. We love the school, staff, ethos and atmosphere and both boys have been (and are) very happy there.

So why does it grate on me so much that all (and I mean ALL) their cousins go to private schools. I feel like the poor relative, which is crazy because we're not. And I have to listen to the parents bang on about 'speech day' and 'saturday school', 'entrance exams' and 'after school prep' and other such stuff. And now there's chat about 'having to find a sporty school for cousin Billy because it's so important to him.'

State schools do offer sport! Some of them even 'specialise' in sport. DSs school offers sports clubs before and after school and at lunch EVERY DAY. But is specialises in humanities (whatever that means!) and other schools specialise in science and other subjects. What the heck is wrong with state schools - btw all the cousins live in 'naice' areas of the country, where the term 'special measures' is no doubt very rarely applied to a school near them.

I know it's all about choice but I still grates. Although on reflection, I suppose I know lots more kids that go to state schools and they're all ok - ie the ones who go with my kids!

Just a rant, and a grumble... thanks for listening :)

OP, I promise you a few years down the line it won't make a lot of difference. Nearly all my DCs cousins went to private school. 3 are now doing MAs as they cannot get a job with their degrees, 1 is working as a nursery assistant while saving for a 'gap year' before doing an MA and 2 are doing media studies at quite mediocre universities.

My own DD is doing vetmed having been to a state school and should be more or less guaranteed a job at the end of it. She has loads of achievements, hobbies and friends.

Grunty - that's because your DD is clever.

Imagine what she could have done if she went to a private school

Grunty - do you really think that that anecdote proves that choice of school doesn't matter down the line?! [sharpens own anecdotes in case the answer is yes!]

Surely the school that you go to (or, perhaps more accurately the experiences you have there) has a huge impact on the person that you become and your approach to life further down the line and beyond formal academic achievement. [tries to contain anecdote and fails] I know lots of people who have achieved very highly academically but feel that the school has negatively affected them e.g. friend from very high achieving girls private school who is desperately insecure as she feels that nothing she does is ever good enough for the absurdly high standards pushed on her at school. Or friends (inc me) from 'bog standard' comps who were laughed at through school for bothering to try and still struggle with trying to shake off an 'I don't care' veneer in work despite having done well.

Its great that you, the OP, me and lots of people on this thread are happy with their choices but surely it is important to pick a school that suits your child and family and fits with what you want from an education, whether state or private.

Bogey

Just ignore them and relish in the thought that your dc are happy and doing well.
I must point out though in fairness generally speaking the extra curricular activities in private and specialist private schools far outstrips what is termed as specialist in the state sector, the comparison can be laughable and this is why some people are happy to pay for education, so I do see the point about a sporty school for cousin Billy.

morethanpotatoprints I must point out though in fairness generally speaking the extra curricular activities in private and specialist private schools far outstrips what is termed as specialist in the state sector out of interest, do these extra curricular activities incur and additional cost or are they all-in?

MumTrying - a bit of both really.
For example, at my DCs school they have supervised sports practice very day as part of the curriculum.
And after school chess, general knowledge, debating, orchestra, choir, etc at no extra cost. As well as swimming club, drama soc.

And then there is other stuff offered at the school for less than you would pay if you did it separately, but with the convenience of just having your kids do it on site, like fencing, specialist gymnastics, ski club.

Private school parents do have a slightly smug, we are doing the best for our DCs and your not attitude, even when they know they can only afford it by having rich GPs.

Especially as we've gone one better and I didn't even force DD2 to try for the grammar school. She absolutely didn't want to.

And no our local private schools don't do serious gymnastics on site, they do it with DD2 at the local sports centre.

Just as the private school DDs who do ballet seriously still have to fit it round 6pm finishes.

I'm in the same position as OP: three sets of cousins, one set at one of the highest performing state grammars in the entire country, two sets both at renowned public schools while my children are at the local comp! We can't afford private and there are no grammars around here. DCs are doing well enough there but they have to put up with a lot of bad behaviour issues from less motivated children and obviously the ethos of excellence and the school facilities just cannot compete. DH and I feel that we have manage grandparents' expectations and explain how much harder it will be for our DCs achieve anything like as well as their cousins, or get into the same Russell group universities that the cousins are aiming for - if they do, they will be breaking new ground for their school.

Elephants - you seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder!

And no rich grandparents here. Far from it.

It sounds like your various brothers/sisters/in-laws are pretty lacking in self-awareness.

I understand how consuming the entrance exams can be, but it's important for parents dealing with them to understand that no one else really cares.

Rich grandparents? Where?

Tess I agree with what you said to Newgirl123 about the sport.

My children have gone to a mix of state and private schools. The one thing that was undoubtedly MUCH better at private school was sport. At one very academic private school, sport, maths and English were all given the same amount of time in the schedule (6 periods a week); the coaching, after school opportunities, games with other schools, and facilities were great.

I wish our local state school was like this.

I know this is not the point of the thread, but I am sick of people pretending that their own choices are better in every way; it's almost like religion sometimes. It is obvious to me that there will always be problems with any school. I tend to complain a little about whatever school is bugging me at the moment; most people are mildly interested in the shortcomings of a school they haven't chosen for their own kids (especially if we are paying for it). This makes for a better conversation that everyone talking about how wonderfully well their kids are doing.

Just ignore them and revel in the fact that you are lucky to have access to two excellent state schools and you don't have to pay fees.

I waited until the GCSE results came out and they spoke for themselves.

claraschu I am sick of people pretending that their own choices are better in every way; putting aside the fact that some people might actually believe that their own choice was the better one for their child. My DC has little interest in sport, drama, music, art etc.. He loves maths and ICT. Is private school the best option for him in your option?

I went to private school and my children will be going the local state school. What do you think that says about private? Perhaps that it's not the be all and end all... or that I want to save the money and supplement their education in a different way, by being able to afford to take them to different countries and have outings in the UK.

I don't think anyone can make generalisations about state or private schools. They vary immensely and it also depends on where you live.

My DD just started state school in Y7 and is already doing netball, football, dance and choir either at lunch-time or after school. She has been invited to join an advanced swimming club and others have been picked out as having aptitude for other sports. I do realise how lucky we are. I can also see that this was the best choice for her, and may not have suited other DC.

We saw friends at the weekend whose DD is the same age and has just started at a private school and she isn't doing any sport or music (outside regular lessons). But then they are very different girls - our friends daughter is very shy, and mine is happy to sign up for everything.

I think it really is all about choosing the best environment for your DC out of the options available to you - of course everyone wonders whether they have done the 'right' thing, but the truth is there probably isn't just one right option. As with everything in parenting, you just do the best you can.

"
on a sporty note - one of the reasons the private schools don't compete with the state schools for sports is they tend to get beaten - that really annoys the fee-paying parents. If you look at the county level swimmers, rugby players, athletes in an area - those are the sports I know - most come from state schools. go figure."

Yes I agree a lot of state educated sporty kids who go to good sports clubs and specialise out of school are often more competitive and 'better' than private school children (swimming is a good example of this as even if private schools have good pools they often do not have the calibre of swim teachers to encourage good swimmers - swimming has never historically been seen as a major private school sport), but IME private schools spend more time encouraging ALL to do sport (also driving lots of children around to out of school sports clubs can be exhausting) and the children get to enjoy a lot of different sports.

I don't think one type of education is necessarily better there is only what is better for THAT particular child. I have used both state and private and wherever your child is happy is the 'best one' IMO.

Mumtryingherbest

I think the extra curricular activities vary in cost from school to school, although the cost to parents isn't reflective of the fee of the teacher.
The schools tend to add about £20 per lesson for building funds iirc.
Obviously specialist schools it is included in fees

I went to private school and my children will be going the local state school. What do you think that says about private?

I went to the local state school and my children will be going private. What do you think that says about local state schools? That's right, absolutely nothing! My children are not going back in time 20 years and going to my old school so there is very little point in making decisions based on what I thought of my school at the time. It's all about choosing the right school for your child and family within the choice of schools that you have.

Tess - well said, same here.
I am very happy to spend money on my DC education - its not about results its about them getting the best learning experience for them - and a far better learning experience than I had, or is available in our local state secondaries.
I teach in a variety of schools (supply teacher) and every penny we spend on their school is definitely well spent.

Tessdurbeyfield my 'anecdote' did suggest that choice of school does not matter in the sense that I don't believe most private schools confer any great benefit in the long term. While saying that two of my cousins went to Eton and probably have benefited through networks (though one at least probably owes more to family connections). I think some parents feel despondent that they are not providing the best for their children and I was trying to assure OP this is not the case.

I am scarred for life by the naice grammar school I went too - my elder dd hated her school as well and it is well known for eating disorders, self harming etc. Whether things would have been different at another school - probably not - we would probably have been unhappy in another way.

OP, at least most of the criticism you get is 'implied' not 'overt'.

I get
'It's such a shame that you don't value education enough to pay for it'
'Do you not love your children enough to pay for their schooling?'
'Oh, such a shame your children don't go to private schools, because they are quite bright and could do well if they went to a good school'
'How often do they get beaten up at school for being clever?'
'What might they do after leaving their school? Not university, I suppose, because they don't go to a proper school'

I am waiting for the GCSE results to have my revenge.

(I do have to bite my tongue quite a lot, because my privately-educated nephews epitomise all that is most irritating about the 'private school type', and everything I hear about their school makes me feel it is, educationally, extremely ropey. No in-school or after school sport, no music lessons...)