Why do some parents think private school at primary is a waste of money.... but are secretly saving for secondary?

[Tallandgracefulmum]

AIBU as my little one is starting prep school in Sept. I was asked by a friend at DD's nursery my plans, said private all the way and was told I would be wasting my money and should save it for secondary when it matters.

I hate this ..most parents I know would send kids private all the way through but cannot afford it so are saving for secondary. But to be honets if your not used to paying shed loads monthly for schooling, you will not suddently 7 years later ( and higher fees) start doing it for secondary.

What some people don't seem to get is that some parents value educational experience over material possessions or fancy homes. This friend in question said she will use the money she saves to provide education experiences for her children and give them a lump sum for uni.

My thoughts are she just can't afford it and wants to make me feel bad for spending my hard earned money.

How many parents actually compare a range of private school fees, then calculate how much it would cost to send one child then save the relevant monthly amount ready to give each off spring at 18? Doesn't happen. What's wrong in providing the best educational experience you can afford for your kids without others constantly telling me I am wasting my money.

FWIW I can understand private school bashers who hate all forms of private schooling, but not those who bash primary but would send kids to secondary in a heartbeat!

Herc, your rosy view of state teachers encouraging all bright kids to go to Oxbridge in the 70's and 80's would be laughable if not frightening to hear from someone who is educated. I totally get that it happened to you though.

Your last comment about me being unhappy about your progress from a 70's comp is trifling and uncalled for and says more about you than me. I was merely giving a different perspective on the matter.

They didn't seem like life-changing things at the time Herc.

I bought a flat in London as soon as I started work, because the bank were offering 100% mortgages and it seemed daft to pay rent (something else our young people will struggle with).

Dh did the the same (though we didn't know each was doing it).

When we got together, we moved into one and rented the other.

Then DH was offered a job in France and we went there, rent free, so rentedout both flats.

When we goit back we bought a house (with the rent money we saved in France). We did it again when DH was posted in Chicago.

So over the years we've built it up. And now we run it as a business.

As for whether we work harder than most - well we're driven, yes. Both by achievement and money. Maybe that's because we are both working class .

But so are DH and me and we are both...not very driven.

Our big mistake was moving here, really, and selling my flat rather than renting it out.

But even accounting for that - it's been ok.

TheWordFactory, are you telling me I am in complete denial, or that I am not middle class?

How very dare you.

I suppose if people are happy with the results it does not matter if they make different life choices. Plenty of women on here would hate my life - that I've worked for 30 years without a break even for maternity leaves as they want to spend 24/7 staring into their babies' eyes when not cleaning the house. As long as everyone else is happy we're fine.

What I do want for young people is to make informed choices. They tend to be idealistic when young and many over generations move from radical age 20 to more and more concerned about their financial position as they get older and yet the decisions they take in their early 20s affect them for life yet of course most children do not want the sensible wisdom of anyone older.

Yes - it's such a shame more people aren't cynical from the start.

Herc, your rosy view of state teachers encouraging all bright kids to go to Oxbridge in the 70's and 80's would be laughable if not frightening to hear from someone who is educated. I totally get that it happened to you though.

It happened to me too. And to quite a few of the friends I met at Cambridge. A good friend of mine was the first one in his extended family ever to stay on at school past the age of 16. His teachers obviously saw his potential and encouraged it.

That's not to say that many kids weren't put off from applying, of course. Merely that it didn't always work like that.

Does Tallandgracefulmum's mortgage-free house make her a buy-for-oneself millionaire, then?

What I do want for young people is to make informed choices. They tend to be idealistic when young and many over generations move from radical age 20 to more and more concerned about their financial position as they get older and yet the decisions they take in their early 20s affect them for life yet of course most children do not want the sensible wisdom of anyone older.

Actually, I have become less motivated by financial considerations as I've got older, as I have realised that once you have "enough" money to live a comfortable life and do the things you want to do, there isn't that much point in striving for more.

I've turned down a number of opportunities in the last couple of years which would have been more lucrative financially than what I'm doing now, but I've reached a point in my life where other things are more important - family, work-life balance, doing something that I genuinely want to do. Life is too short to focus on chasing money.

I realise that it's easy to say this from a relatively privileged position. We are fortunate in that we earn more than enough to meet our wants and needs, and financial concerns would obviously be a much higher priority if we were struggling to cover the basics. Nevertheless, I will be encouraging dd to do what makes her happy, and not what makes her rich!

Tsk, tsk, Jinsei. Surely you should be telling her to do what makes her rich and then do what makes her happy.

Well, I'd like more money but I turned down a global role in favour of a European one because I'm not prepared to spend half my life in China and India. I suspect Xenia disapproves of that decision but I'm fine with it (except I'd like the money).

None of my kids intends to follow my path, incidentally.

The one thing I am glad about is that dd is unlikely to feel under pressure to pay private school fees...

Yes, however I do wish that I had my eyes opened wide by someone about the realities of certain professions. Finding out that your dream job is in fact a rather grim prospect or isn't accessible via a particular route, isn't that great once there is no turning back.

I will be trying my best to encourage my children to do what makes them happy too, but make them aware of any pitfalls/downsides they had not considered. Ideally organising a work shadow in their chosen profession or getting them to have a chat with someone in that field.

Also, a job with little money is ok if bank of mum and dad can fund university fees, properties and travel, but a little grimmer if you are broke for the rest of your life. Having been brought up in a poor family, I can say that isn't really a bundle of laughs for anyone, even though my dad had his dream job.

My parents never had much money when we were kids either, and I know that's not ideal. However, having worked with someone who eventually took his own life because he was so unhappy at work, the other side of the coin isn't all that great either.

I think work shadowing is a great idea, and definitely something that I would encourage. I walked into my "dream job" in my mid twenties, doing something that I had aspired to do since I was around 18. I hated it! For all that it was perfect on paper, I hated the work and I hated the people I worked with even more. Fortunately, it was easy enough for me to change direction, as I don't think I could have stuck it out for long at all.

Still, if I hadn't tried it, I'd always have wondered.

Same here.

Another state school educated Oxbridge graduate here (which is why I said upthread if either of the younger two really really wanted to go to Oxford or Cambridge I'm sure they'd have just as much chance as someone from Eton). Although ds2 won't - he would hate it.

I've never been motivated by money, never managed it. Have tried, but it's not me.

There's a difference between wanting to amass huge wealth like King Midas and choosing a career when you're 20 which pays more than your average super market check out girl, though.

I certainly support the idea of student age children getting as much work experience as possible.
It's easy enough to say you aren't motivated by money if you are able to afford your rent and food. Plenty of women on mumsnet cannot -see credit crunch threads etc.

I'm certainly motivated by money. Growing up on a council estate with very little will do that for you. I'm not, however, motivated by money to the exclusion of all else. Thus in a death match challenge between spending a lot of time in china or having less money, having less money was the easy winner.

Hm tbh I messed up on the career choice. DH and I call it the curse of being academic. You do well at school, end up at a top university, but all the time having no idea what you want to do. Then drift into a profession which you find you HATE, but then it's very difficult to retrain. I suppose at least it's harder to become a City lawyer by accident these days.....

Yes, if you can find that work you enjoy (I have) then life is pretty easy. I would love to do another 30 years - have done 30 so far. I'm lucky.

I'm very motivated by money. I have expensive tastes . Though Lord knows where I get my airs and graces, having been brought up in poverty!

I also like the freedom money gives you. Real freedom to make meaningful choices. I think happiness is illusory and fleeting without such freedom.

I'm also really driven to make my DC's lives easier than mine. I figure that there was little point getting as far as I did, if I can't ensure my DC have a smooth passage (particularly as so many things that were just given to me, will now have to be funded by bank of Mum and Dad).

DH has a similar outlook so I guess we spur one another on, and we've always supported one another in our endevours.

saintly whilst there are indeed state educated students at Oxbridge, let's not overplay it...there is still a hell of a long way to go, and a level playing field it certainly aint.

Even worse at Imperial, LSE, UCL, Bristol...