Considering boarding for our daughter next year...

[Chantal2009]

her first year in high school was rather a bit of a challenge with her getting braces and all BUT overall it was very disappointing, from merit student, to poor grades, tons of peer pressure, continual focus on boys, no interest in sport or work.

One big reason is the high schools in the area are very mediocre to say the least and we considering sending her to boarding next year. The school Im thinking of is a really good / solid all girls state school about 3 hours by bus from home...kind of basic in someways so it is certainly not a fancy private one btw, which i would not consider even if we could afford it.

Challenge is how will she react to being sent? And then cope when there? Please note if i asked her she would just say no, and that would then close it down, so asking or engaging would not work. Secondly a friends daughter really struggled when she went ...it seemed it was a big adjustment and it took over 6 months to even get used to it ...now she is fine, 2 years later , actually getting on quite well but it was not easy.

I was wondering if any parents have experienced their kids going, ie being sent to board or even they went themselves?

I don't recall hiding food when I boarded, and I certainly didn't ring my mum every day to ask what she was cooking! I do remember school food often being really quite nasty though.

I don't see why you don't send her to the UK to board.

Obviously if you send her to a good boarding in the UK you know the pastoral care is excellent. You know class levels are good not to big so your child is lost but not to small to not find a common friend. Therefore the standard of education is excellent.

The social diversity is incredible where foreign students mix with local students. Therefore opening their eyes to the bigger world.

I have watched the video and to be honest I would prefer my daughter not to go to that school. Its a personal preference so dont feel obliged to take my opinion.

I haven't read the whole thread but I went to a boarding school and my daughter also goes to the same boarding school. For me, it was a truly life enhancing experience and the best gift my parents gave me. I will always be grateful for the opportunity I had.

My daughter wanted to go and loves it there. She had her first wobble a month or two after getting there but since then she's been fine. She's been there three years now and had her second wobble this week.

I wouldn't have set her if she didn't want to go. I wouldn't have sent her if I didn't truly and honestly believe she would love it there and benefit immensely. The head teacher there is the same since my school days and I love her to bits. I still have a good relationship with her and she remains one of the most influential persons in my life.

I have a lot more wobbles than my daughter does. I miss her immensely and am still not used to not having her around every day. I feel it is an unnatural set up for a child to be away from her parents in her teenage years and often have moments when I am close to pulling her out just because I feel she should be here, at home with me. However, in the long run I realise I have to put her needs above my feelings and that I would be robbing her of the experience of a lifetime if I acted on impulse and took her out. But you never know. It's hard.

Incidentally, the school is in the same city as us and is a five minute drive from home so that helps. It means I can send her a bag of home cooked goodies every week as that I can also continue to do her laundry for her. It also gives me - and her- the peace of mind that we're not too far away.

"feel it is an unnatural set up for a child to be away from her parents in her teenage years"

Can I ask why you did it then?

Kenlee I agree that a boarding schools in the UK could be a good option but also significantly more expensive than a boarding school in SA maybe the OP can't afford it.

Happy you do have a good point....

Is it significantly cheaper in SA.. I know the time zone is the same if my geography serves me right. So there is no need for 2 am whatsapp with your daughter before she goes to bed.

I was just reading the thread and it seems the OP wants a British type education. The best place I think would be the UK .

I do think however british fees are quite competitive. We looked at the US and Australia... I think par on par they are about the same price. .

I'm not sure what's natural and unnatural. Surely it's about culture more than nature. At one stage all upper class bots were sent away to boarding school, but then of I remember from reading endless history books to my DS's when they were little a 1000 years ago 7yr old boys left their families to learn to me a knight.
We as individual parents do what we believe is right for our children, others love to criticise and tell us what were doing is unnatural damaging or neglectful this applies not just to education but to so many other things diet what medication we give our children whether or not we choose to let them watch TV and a whole host of other things. I have been working with children and their families for nearly 30 years the vast majority of parents are desperate to do the right thing for their DC's and only want the best for them. It is easy to say you should shouldn't do X or Y but we are not in the same position as another parent, we can only offer advise nothing more.
I personally know little about SA and nothing about the OP and her daughter. But from the little bit I've read on here the situation in SA is very obviously exceedingly problematic and I suspect the OP is trying like all us to find the best way forward and just wants her DD to mature into a balanced rounded educated young women.

Absolutely, happygardening. There are still social circles in this country where boys, in particular, would wonder what they had done wrong if they didn't go away to school at 13 at the latest.

I was just wondering why somebody would think it was an unnatural thing to do but still do it, particularly when the school concerned was 5 minutes away from her house.....

I thought everyone on this thread might be interested in this, seeing as we've been discussing education in South Africa. This is what the OP is up against...

www.iol.co.za/news/south-africa/department-mulls-baby-rape-exam-question-1.1613012#.UpXVaLIgGSP

yes... it is terrible, I actually want to get physically sick ... firstly that the education Dept actually include this in the exams for teenage kids...

but even worse that the playwight is actually trying to show something that has become a regular occurance in this country ... for some reason some tribal 'voodoo' has surfaced and the having sex with a baby will cure AIDS ... and with +- 6 million people with AIDS (the highest % per capita in the world with AIDS) with +- half of them men...many wanting a 'cure'... well I cannot leave you with a vision of a more horrific, barbaric and sickening practice in the modern world

I beg you not to judge us, the millions and millions of decent, normal hard working people of this nation ... but this is why I pray, I pray so hard that she will get a degree (as the universities still offer internationally recognised degrees) and she become a doctor ... to either perhaps stay here to try help this country heal itself OR, OR if she chooses ... to leave so she are her future family can live in safety...

I've been thinking about a similar thing.. which school was it that you were thinking about?

I've been to visit Queen Ethelburga's once or twice with my daughter and she doesn't want to leave after we've finished the visit! Which just goes to show the quality and wow-factor of the school.

The fees are expensive, but she has a friend that goes there already, and I can't really disagree with the results that the school have been getting!

Also they have horses and ponies there, which I literally cannot drag her away from..

what does everyone think?

G

G perhaps you might consider starting a different thread? You may not have fully read this one but your QE publicity seems spectacularly tactless and crass here.

Hth.

publicity? Sorry if i've offended you somehow?

Sorry I didn't realise there were 5 pages of comments here

*I am sorry but i don't get this - your dd is misbehaving in school or generally as i can see, acting like a teenager - and you want to send her away to boarding school? REally>??? Please don't do this - you will destroy any self esteem she has. Totally the wrong reasons.

All those challenges will be there in boarding school, but i guess they wont be your problem so you can stick your head in the sand.

This is just the time that she needs your guidance, not to be sent away because she doesn't come up to scratch - i guess this may be an unpopular post but i would implore you not to do this.*
In complete and total agreement.
(Long term partner is ex boarder, forced there struggles still now with esteem and other issues, went to university with a group of ex-boarders who were in a support group for it and many suffered various issues).
I agree sometimes boarding is the right decision for a parent to make-but it has to be for the correct reasons and if I'm mistaken, then okay-but yours do NOT seem the correct reasons. You can destroy your child with the wrong decision here.

Sorry somehow I didn't 'bold' correctly, was meant to be quoting lemisafucker .

Hi Everyone. I do have a little experience of what a boarding education means to South Africans. My DDs spent a term each, on exchange, in a South African girls' boarding school. There is a different attitude to boarding there. The fees at this school were, at the time, £8000 a year whilst ours were £24,000. This was a very prestigious and, by SA standards, expensive, school. One girl on the exchange lived 6 hours away from the school in Jo'burg and the other one lived on a farm 4.5 hours drive away. The Jo'burg girls went home on the school bus for exeats and holidays with parents rarely visiting the school. Long journeys on the buses are normal.

Parents do see boarding as a way of installing good manners in their children. SA girls are extremely polite, tidy and well mannered. They stand up when a teacher enters the room, they have fagging in the schools, they work and play very hard. They do not expect to see their parents for weeks on end. The matrics run the boarding houses, not the housemistresses. Punishments are regularly handed out. DD1 was given "hard labour" by a matric. This involved my 13.5 year old getting up at 5 am in the morning and cleaning the toilets for an hour before official wake up at 6 am. She was punished because she had not folded her knickers in her underwear drawer. Some girls had hard labour nearly every week. However, there was a very strong community spirit and friends are made for life. All of this is seen as desirable in SA as it builds inner toughness and self-reliance. You would be considered very fortunate to board there and parents would be unlikely to have the hang ups we do as state schools in some areas are atrocious and very far away. The boarding schools have good security and take it seriously.

OP. I entirely get what you are saying and I had a look at the school's website. Go for it, but don't sell it to your DD as a punishment because it is really a great privilege.

In that case SA boarding is so far away from what UK boarding is about.

although cheaper it seems a little to draconian for ny liking

Gulp...but thank you for your feedback. I think if Rachel saw this she may well be a bit nervous. I know SA boarding ethos is more "old school" and it is certainly more structured, controlled and disciplined compared to the UK from what I have learned, but I think this is only certain schools, most will be more middle of the road , mild but when i follow up and we visit I will be checking Potch girls. if ok i will contact you directly.

Anyway any ides or feedback welcome...

Im sure this will stir up a bit of a hornets nest on this forum... :)

curlew I sent her because it was the rights decision for her. You can't always make decisions on your child's future based on what you feel. You weigh out the pros and cons and make a decision based on what you feel is best for your child and not what your emotions are telling you to do.
I had a hard time parting with my daughter initially because I'd never spent a night apart from her before, except when I was in hospital having another baby. However, I don't feel our relationship has changed negatively at all. In fact, I feel we are closer and she does feel utterly and completely loved by her family. She has expressed this on many occasions.

I didn't send any of my children to nursery either only because I felt I wanted more quality time with them in those primary years. Some would find that unnatural. So be may find the reverse unnatural. In the end we all make decisions for our children based on what we think is right for them.

Well everyone, its done ...thanks for all the advice and views, your posts and mails, I have learnt a lot. I really agree with the thinking the last one by TheDiet ...
Well it was quite emotional for us both and she is now coming to terms with what this means to her life...and all of us in some way!

Anyway we all relaxing this weekend, next week we contacting the different schools. I have lined up three for her to look at, and although its not guaranteed I have made enquiries to get her in...

It's a wise decision to look at more than one. I sincerely hope everything works out for you and your daughter OP.

Good luck!

Hi, Sunflower ...thank you ... I don't think your post is unpopular at all, and what you say reflects many truths, and many posts on the last 5 pages ... all clearly say that something as significant, and as life changing as this, especially when the child is sent, going to boarding school, must never be done for the wrong reasons ...and yes this cannot be used like sending a child to her room, or grounding her.

You and EVERYONE on this forum has helped me re examine many of my beliefs, what I thought was true, all the emotions, joy, hope, love, sadness, happiness, anger, friendship, kindness and all the things that it means to be a family. These have all been carefully considered and these many many reasons are now all in the mix and now we move forward . Thank you

This is a big decision. Boarding school is really 'horses for courses' - it depends on the nature of the school and the character of the child bring compatible. A boarding school that suits one child may be a totally wrong environment for another. Loads of private schools offer a bursary system which is means-tested. A friend of mine has a low household income and her son, who is bright and sporty, is at Durham for a fraction of the cost of full fees. Another friend has her daughters at The Mount in York, which is a Quaker school and treats everyone equally.
I guess the question is not whether the school is 3 hours away, but whether it is an environment where your daughter will thrive.
I hope this helps.

After doing a bit more research on the pros and cons of boarding school, a friend sent me this, it's interesting and certainly shines boarding schools in a positive light,
www.independentschoolparent.com/choosing-a-school/five-ways-boarding-school-gives-your-child-a-head-start

I'm sure there are hundreds of writers out there battling for and against boarding schools, but this one caught my eye! give it a read, the part about developing their extra-curricular activities interested me!