Considering boarding for our daughter next year...

[Chantal2009]

her first year in high school was rather a bit of a challenge with her getting braces and all BUT overall it was very disappointing, from merit student, to poor grades, tons of peer pressure, continual focus on boys, no interest in sport or work.

One big reason is the high schools in the area are very mediocre to say the least and we considering sending her to boarding next year. The school Im thinking of is a really good / solid all girls state school about 3 hours by bus from home...kind of basic in someways so it is certainly not a fancy private one btw, which i would not consider even if we could afford it.

Challenge is how will she react to being sent? And then cope when there? Please note if i asked her she would just say no, and that would then close it down, so asking or engaging would not work. Secondly a friends daughter really struggled when she went ...it seemed it was a big adjustment and it took over 6 months to even get used to it ...now she is fine, 2 years later , actually getting on quite well but it was not easy.

I was wondering if any parents have experienced their kids going, ie being sent to board or even they went themselves?

Hi all, thank you all so much for your comments, experiences and input.. Im really sorry but it seemed it all came out wrong, first what I meant was I know I would not be brave enough to do something like this without being "encouraged" ie nudged to the edge of the proverbial " nest ".

We have to be honest with ourselves, but out of 100% of all the boarders in the world, what % actually ASKED or WANTED to go? Less than 5%. What I'm not saying this is, is the high % who, in the end, did not find boarding very rewarding, or enjoyed it or even loved it ...but this was only when there could get there find this out for themselves.

So I think we have to be honest, to me this is like any challenge in life, anything that is difficult but has potential rewards, way beyond one may see as the immediate or shorter term difficulties, which think is especially important when dealing with teenagers. Many things I have achieved because I was encouraged, helped, and yes even "pushed " at times, especially starting and then overcoming my fears of something new or unknown. Just to note Im no "tiger mom" either, I want her to try and do many different things, and to just try hard, and yes inside I want her to do well, but I also focus on her to try have some fun at same time.

What I mean as well, when learning to "fly", ie being pushed out the nest, she will also know we will have the safety nets in place...and will be with her and part of the process every step of the way so she hopefully does not feel dumped.

There seems to be some mix up about being in the UK... Yes as perhaps some things sound a bit strange you picturing snow in winter or the green fields of England when I see bush veld and grassland and 320 days sunshine a year or I mention state or government school, or that schools, and everything here runs on a calendar year.

The school system allows some fees, but here, with boarding included, it is around 1000 pounds a term, or 4000 a year. Please note is NOT cheep in local currency, but still about half the cost of a private day school in Johannesburg, and with a second daughter a few yeas behind, we would never afford it (and we would not ever want to differentiate between the level or quality of education we gave them). Please also note that at this cost the school is basic and down to earth in many ways , 8 in a dorm, line up for showers, food is basic but manageable or so I'm told. But it is certainly not some fancy silver spoon, bring your own horse, or we produce international sports players type school.

So this is the school, yes I can see some of the so called "platitudes " on the site but I did some research, contacted the old girls group, and many of points, the ethos, structure, discipline and approach, although very traditional, even to the point of being like the old boarding schools in the Uk, are actually true, but in other ways very progressive in how children grow and become part of such an organization. I think, and in the day I have given it some thought, I think this environment would give her something ...something very unique, and special, something that would set her apart, and potentially set her up for whatever next challenges she chooses in life to take on after school, and in a country where university entrance % for most in demand degrees is determined by race, unkess you have top marks, and companies have government set targets to hire based or the colour of your skin, this a completely different context in which we operate, and in someways for your child very survival is very real and almost frightening. Yes I know nothing is guaranteed but surely improving the odds must help...

www.potchgirlshigh.co.za/traditions.aspx

Please also note although there are cultural differences, different traditions boarding is boarding, and I now realise its exactly the same anywhere in the world you are, from Canada, to India, to Australia and in the end it involves a child spending time away from her or his home and family living at school.

So please have a look at the site and be totally and brutally honest with me what you think!!Thank you I also have your input and what to consider, now I plan to chat to her this week, once her last exam is over, I hope to go for a day as a family to visit the week after before schools close for the summer holidays...and talk and find out what she thinks is positive or good about it and what she sees as possible problems and also what she would really scared worry about. The one thing I picked up about fear is, mothers all over all over are more scared they will miss their kids, more than the kids them. So how does a mother and father and even sister feel part of, engaged, relevant in ones daughters life when away at boarding school, how does one make it something truly special.

Anyway apologies re such a long update, but writing helped me clarify many things for myself, but continue to be honest as all your views, experiences have really helped a lot so far...C

Chantal- there is nothing that will set her up for the future more than a loving, committed and engaged family life- a secure home base. And she won't get that if she is away from home 12 weeks at a time.

Thank you...yes true, but one need more just the softer aspects family and love etc to prepare and set oneself up...she also needs to pass chemistry, and math and a few others along the way...

I can love her as much as I want, encourage, try help in any way i can when she is home but Im not with her 7 hours a day, 200 days a year in her class room,trying to engage her in a class of 40 other teenagers, all struggling, with unitested teaches, on maths, Chemistry , English, Afrikaans, Zulu, Geography, accountancy, science ...and then with this useless "base, " then to try help her with homework for hours and to study for tests for hours into the night, when we both struggling, even with extra lessons, we not only end up having a terrible time, both frustrated, and angry, fighting ... but all thus only to scraping though and often ending up failing...is in no way really supportive or loving, no matter how hard we try.

To be honest, the reality of the situation is I can more easily love and commit and even "care " and give my support to her 3 hours away, via a single phone call as a mother, in an environment where she is engaged mentally, feels challenged with her peers, engaged physically and with motivated teachers within a structured and supportive environment.... than I would have trying to get a teaching degree in all these subjects, giving up my job and teaching her myself...

I think love and feeling of caring and bing supported can transcend the distance and time ...chemistry and passing it ...well ...perhaps you or anyone has another option i could give it a try?

Do you think your dd is currently off the rails and going to fail school? I would think that the current situation would have to be very very bad indeed to consider sending her to this boarding school at 14!

Chantal, if your daughter truly does not want to be at boarding school, then she will not engage physically or mentally and far from feeling loved and supported from afar by a phone call from you, she is far more likely to feel abandoned by her family. I find your thought process very difficult to follow, you seem to be trying to give the impression that your daughter had some choice in this process or that once she sees the school she will love it but on the other hand you are saying that she has no choice and regardless of what she wants you are sending her to boarding school. I'm really not sure what you're asking on this thread.

Of course I don't agree with curlew my DS has full boarded since he was 7 yrs old and yes he asked to go. He has a loving committed stable engaged family life a secure base and from this he has been and of course is confident enough in himself to thrive in boarding environment. But without a doubt it's not for every child.
You need to be relatively tough boarding is not for the super sensitive and it's also not for a child with personal space issues or obsessed about privacy.

well, I can see both sides here.

I am an ex boarder, from a traditional full boarding school. We did the whole term, (sept -dec) with one week half term, plus 2 weekends. We found that quite hard going, it was a long time between home visits. But my parents lived overseas, so we actually saw them only at the end of term. Half terms etc were with my grandparents.
It is a long time and that is hard. But as a teenager, it was do-able. (I started at 9, and i think primary boarding should actually not be allowed - sorry, I know many won't agree)
I would not want my dcs to board as I did.

But I have worked overseas and at times in some places there are hard choices to be made for education, that I think we don't really have in the UK. I think that in some places, this is the only chance the kids get to get educated and get out. If we had had to continue overseas, I would have been faced with the boarding issue, and it would have been a hard choice.

OP, I think you dd being on board is still the biggest issue. And also, you have to recognise that children are very different, and some girls will get on with it and thrive and thank you aged 18, and some will crash and sink and never forgive you. The personality of your dd is crucial here. You need to be prepared to understand if it doesn't work for her, and, if after giving it her best shot, she hates it, you need to let her leave.

My family are today very close emotionally, we have the ability to be close even when we live in different countries. Veyr close and very independent at the same time. We learnt to do that as kids at boarding school.

I think sending your children to boarding school unless they have a SEN that can only be met in that way is fucking awful.

I've looked at the website and I agree with steppemum that if your abroad you have to make hard choices. If you believe in it then you need to take your DD to see it and hopefully your enthusiasm will enthuse her too. Let's face it you've nothing to loose. Any child starting boarding will apprehensive but that's very different from really not wanting to go these children usually struggle IME.
Don't apologise steppemum most on here in fact will agree with you that primary aged children should not be allowed to board. I've been told not to rise to these sort of comments in the past and for a change I'm heading this advise.

Still not rising to it

Well, you're entitled to your own opinion, Tweasels.

We have to be honest with ourselves, but out of 100% of all the boarders in the world, what % actually ASKED or WANTED to go? Less than 5%. What I'm not saying this is, is the high % who, in the end, did not find boarding very rewarding, or enjoyed it or even loved it ...but this was only when there could get there find this out for themselves.

Where are you getting these stats from?

I work in boarding in the UK. I love it and advocate it as a great way to grow up and get your education.

What you are describing sounds the very antithis of modern UK boarding and I wouldn't support it.

I would also never think it's a good idea to send a child to board who doesn't want to go- recipe for disaster.

I also wondered about the figures quoted Over the years my DS has boarded I've literally known hundreds of children most I seemed to want to go few were being dragged out of the car kicking and screaming! Many of course knew that they would go off to boarding school at some stage from an early age and as it had always been presented to them in a positive way just accepted it and thought it was normal ust part of life. They didn't have any of the qualms or hostilities that Tweasels steppemum and curlew have.

lottie, I think what Op was saying is that most kids don't ask to board, but in the end, having been encouraged to do it, they found it rewarding, enjoyed it or loved it.

I think also Lottie that modern UK boarding isn't remotely like this school.

OP - Where I was at school, I would say that most did not enjoy it or love it, but accepted that this was the way it was and made the most of it. Most would prefer to go to the same school, and live at home, but, having recognised that wasn't possible for whatever reason, they just got on with it.

Kids are on the whole pretty good at making the best of any situation they find themselves in. No child's life is full of perfect options is it?

I am sorry but i don't get this - your dd is misbehaving in school or generally as i can see, acting like a teenager - and you want to send her away to boarding school? REally>??? Please don't do this - you will destroy any self esteem she has. Totally the wrong reasons.

All those challenges will be there in boarding school, but i guess they wont be your problem so you can stick your head in the sand.

This is just the time that she needs your guidance, not to be sent away because she doesn't come up to scratch - i guess this may be an unpopular post but i would implore you not to do this.

Having read the website now, the conditions look better than you describe, but I wouldn't trust a school that doesn't proof its website.

Steeped in a decade of tradition? Founded in 1905?

Well which is it?

Hi Chantal,

Can I ask, are you South African or expat British?

I'm south african, have lived in the uk for 8 years, go back regularly and all family still there. Potch Uni was my mom's alma mater :) quite a conservative town, as you know. There has also recently been rumblings in their local goverment between the ANC and the DA. There is NO WAY IN HELL i would send my daughter to a boarding school in south africa, seeing her only once a term. Surely you must understand the enourmous risks you are exposing her to. Drugs is a HUGE problem and everywhere. Crime levels should worry you. I strongly dislike the 'uniform' after school, it smacks of institusionalisation. If she is a 3 hour bus ride away, how far are you by car? Surely you must know that the safety standards of these buses (something like greyhound or translux?) are disgraceful. You will have no control or insight over her curriculum if you only see her so little. Do you have private healthcare? Vvvvv important! You cannot let her leave home without very comprehensive private healthcare. I worked in govt hospitals (trauma units) you do not want your teenage daughter there, believe me and I don't believe things have improved the past 8 years, in fact, the opposite if I listen to what my ex-collegues have to say.

Boarding school can be great fun. My youngest sister (now 27) went to a state boarding school (agricultural school). Good school, nice teachers, she loved it, home every second weekend, kept a horse at school which meant my parents were there often, my parents really involvedwith school. Until it turned out (in grade 11) that they were in sh*t creek academically, she had to move schools and pretty much start from scratch 18 mo before her matric exam.

Saying that, a a lot of people are sending their kids to boarding schools in bigger centres like Potch from the rural areas, as the infrastructure in the smaller towns are literally falling apart. This is the case of my cousin (my aunt and uncle farm in the Free State, she boards in Kroonstad) and old uni friends, kids from farming families ariund there all board in Bloemfontein. But they go en masse from their communities, know each other already and their parents form lift clubs to ferry kids back each weekend/ ferry parents in to watch sport, etc.

Please please think very carefully. If you are somewhere like Joburg, have you considered somewhere like Crawford college? DH's cousin has just finished there, lovely, well rounded kids, think they paid 80k per year, but I'm not 100% sure.

Good luck with it all x

happy gardening - I don't really think my posts were full of hostilities, and having tried very hard to post a balanced view, I rather object to being lumped in with tweasels. (no offence tweasels, but you have a very different viewpoint to mine)

I would like to point out that I am commenting from the perspective of one who has actually boarded myself as a child in a similar type of school as op is suggesting. With the best will in the world, you are not commenting from your personal experience of boarding, but rather from your experience as a parent of a boarder. Of course your opinion is valid, and just as important as mine, but not from the same perspective.
Your ds also, I assume, board in a modern school, and I think the school op is referring to is more like UK boarding schools were 20-30 years ago.

No offence taken steppemum your view is way more balanced and informed than mine and our opinions shouldn't be associated.

I regret my earlier post, it was unnecessarily harsh.

I do however stand by my opinion. I simply cannot understand why any parent would not choose to have their children at home with them. I value education so highly but it comes in so many different forms and understanding normal family life rates very highly in my view.

Completely missing the point ...who mentioned kicking and screaming ... I when Im talking about being encouraged to to fly ...the proverbial pushing ones own, the fear of change yes but the the encouraging push out the edge of the nest, with safety nets, and support and in a loving way ...for the opportunity for something special..

Thank you Steppemum, yes this what I wrote and was saying about boarding ...that most kids don't ask to board, but in the end, having been encouraged to do it, they found it rewarding, enjoyed it or loved it.

and correct it is very "traditional / old school " , as most of these schools were setup by the British invaders after the Anglo Boer War and the Republic became a Colony .. but today in others ways, in education and policy, are very progressive, open, caring...

I think you are mistaken about most kids not wanting to board at first.

chantel what do you think about everything pointyhat wrote?

I think one of the problems here is that British public schools, a significant majority of the children come from families where going away to school is routine. Their parents- or at least their fathers- did it, all their friends older brothers did it- they've known from toddlerhood how their schooling would go. It wouldn't cross their minds to expect anything different. iIRC this would be the experience of most children at happygardening's dc's school.

That is a hugely different experience to sending a child who doesn't have that family experience, whose peers are mostly not going to boarding school, and for whom it is an alien world.