Considering boarding for our daughter next year...

[Chantal2009]

her first year in high school was rather a bit of a challenge with her getting braces and all BUT overall it was very disappointing, from merit student, to poor grades, tons of peer pressure, continual focus on boys, no interest in sport or work.

One big reason is the high schools in the area are very mediocre to say the least and we considering sending her to boarding next year. The school Im thinking of is a really good / solid all girls state school about 3 hours by bus from home...kind of basic in someways so it is certainly not a fancy private one btw, which i would not consider even if we could afford it.

Challenge is how will she react to being sent? And then cope when there? Please note if i asked her she would just say no, and that would then close it down, so asking or engaging would not work. Secondly a friends daughter really struggled when she went ...it seemed it was a big adjustment and it took over 6 months to even get used to it ...now she is fine, 2 years later , actually getting on quite well but it was not easy.

I was wondering if any parents have experienced their kids going, ie being sent to board or even they went themselves?

I think boarding is great. My daughter loves it. Yes im the baddie here. I havent physically seen her since September. I am so waiting for Christmas.

Yet this is what I have seen whence talking to her on Tango when she is free....Yes I also live in the opposite end of the world from her now.

Does she love me less NO...do I love my daughter Yes..

I do believe if you want the best for your daughter then send her to England to board. From what I have heard from your reports South Africa is not really a good option.

Again I repeat only if she wants too....

Hi Im really so sorry...nothing i write seems to be understood ... perhaps because what is read is are the last 2 of posts visible on the screen, and the full meaning and context get lost in older posts.

I really give up as no matter how hard I try explain for example ...that the emotions and feeling are generally "universal" when considering sending a child away, and uk moms and kids are almost exactly the same as Australian or Canadian and hey even South African, it gets confused with the environment in which we live.

the schools here are so British, they more british than what your educations system looks like today ...even the dorms are named after old british generals, lol, and the much of the approach and structures and ethos of the school remains...

but the environment in which we live is different, we don't have social security, NHS, safety, security, a functioning government etc ... This does not seem to be understood ...

On the environment, perhaps no one has though what it is like to live in this context ...where I went to a help at a children's home on the weekend ...but the grief and misery to see home after home after home ...a total of 300,000 homes at last estimate, where the eldest child has to head up and try and run the household for his or her 4 brothers and sisters. A million children raising and trying to feed themselves in their dead parents homes...

Education is the key and for most our only hope ...give you an idea ...last year a mother died, many hurt, crushed at the gates of a local university when a huge crowed stampeded who tried to get their own or their children's applications in to admissions office ...imagine the university of London having a stampede of 20,000 trying to get in to 2000 openings ...

Anyway, leave it for now, writing this has really helped me put it all into perspective, I don't have any problems by any stretch , and my daughters and I really only have opportunities and see far better now how this all fits together ... I learnt a lot, hope you found something in it as well.

I will give you all an update Wed or Thurs once Rachel and I have chatted and discussed her future...

So let me sum up your decsion you will send your daughter to a boarding school in South Africa regardless if she likes it or not. You think the school is good atleast on par with its English counterparts.

The decsion has been made.

good luck .

I could be talking crap here but I don't think Christ's offers bursaries to those outside of the EU.
OP don't know how much money you've got but the a Royal High School in Bath has boarding and is part of the girls day school trust so is significantly cheaper £24k pa including books etc I believe, where as many in the UK are pushing 34k and you pay for every piece of paper pen book etc on top of that. I know a girl there from abroad she loves it.

I'm not totally sure about Christ's but a friend from Asia looked at it for her daughter and I think that's what she said. Bursaries at Christ's are also becoming harder to get they are looking for more full fee paying parents.

Just looked on Christ's website those outside the EU have to email the school to find out what the fees are so they are obviously different to EU citizens, I suspect no bursaries but worth asking.

All I know is that if your child likes it....She will love it and thrive there. If she doesn't chances are she won't

As you seem to want to focus on the 'universal' aspects sending a child to boarding school... The feelings of sending a child away may be universal, as you say, but the circumstances in which that child or parent will find themselves will greatly affect the emotions involved. I will feel less sad if I knew I was seeing mum again this weekend, or the next. I might feel less distressed about going to a boarding school if I knew (thinking as a teenage girl here!) if I knew I had my own personal space, I can develop my own identity and I do not have to fear shower time as I have to stand in a communal shower with 8 other girls in various stages of development, body angst etc. Can you imagine having your period and being in a communal shower? As a teenage girl, I would have died of shame, as
I would now. Home sickness may be a universal phenomenon, but I'll feel much less homesick or cope much better/differently with it if I knew I'd be home next weekend. The feelings/emotions are totally dependant on and influenced by the circumstances. It is not fair to compare UK boarding and SA boarding, as it is two completely different approaches.

Boarding can be an absolutely positive experience, most of my extended family have been boarders, but it was dictated by living conditions (farming families). If you are in a rural town and the infrastructure is falling apart around you, you probably have no choice. But accept that by seeing her so little, she is effectively leaving home. I speak to my mum almost every day, for at least an hour. We skype. I see my family at least once a year. I am 37, pregnant with my third child and I miss her terribly. Do not for one moment think that Skype/the phone will make up for your presence, especially in her teenage years.

I absolutely get your social and political circumstances, I really do. My aunt and mum spent a month here this June. My aunt lives on a farm in the Free State, their security issues are HUGE. She spent every day of the first week here in tears, and the days before she had to go back. She never realised how bad it was, the pressure and undercurrent of tension and survival mode, until she was out of that situation. You flippantly comment on how to escape the crime, move to the UK? The answer is, you do exactly that. We came here initially as my DH had a placement on a post masters program at a UK university. Once we were here, we realised how free we were! We are both very very close to our families, but we decided to stay and we are very very happy. We worked extremely hard for everything we have, we started from scratch, arrived with 2 suitcases and about £4k, but our hard work has absolutely paid off. The only way you can protect your daughter from the influence of crime and drugs is to protect her every day. People here don't understand that kids get driven to school or play dates, even if the end destination is 5 minutes down the road, purely for safety's sake.

I just wanted to add one last thing to my epic post :) the sexual pressure that girls are under is HUGE. I absolutely believe that SA's rape and sexual assault stats are a reflection of the attitude to women in society, and don't for one minute think that some boys that go to school with her do not come from homes where those views are held. The ONLY way you can protect her and let her grow up into a strong, confident young women, if to build her self-esteem as much as you can. You only need to read the relationship boards to see effect of a low self esteem, especially when seeking affection and attention. You can only influence this if you are with her, otherwise you have no influence whatsoever. Also consider the living environment she is will be exposed to on her self esteem.

If the schools around you is as bad as you say, I would use the money you would pay towards boarding school and fill her afternoons with extra lessons in math and the sciences, extra- curricular activities and family outings. I would send her in grade 10 for her matric subject choices. She'll be going on 16 by then, two extra years at home could make all the difference. But I suspect your mind is already made up, you seek validation here but unfortunately the boarding situations between the two countries are not comparable at all.

What does her dad say?

End of my epic post!! Of to enjoy a huuuuuuge mug of rooibos :)

Wow...

For you Gandalf Although I'm not sure that the entire nice population of SA moving to the UK is quite the answer the OP was looking for. Or that SA might be looking for....

OP I'm frustrated that after all this time we haven't been able to come up with an arrangement of words that gives you any help at all.

It was very sensible of you to post here - but having done so you simply have to accept that people will respond from their own experience and understanding. No-one is going to agree that the "approach, structures and ethos" of the school you have described will be anything like a 21st century English boarding school. But there is no reason why it should be......

I'm a little confused though. You began by speaking about your daughter's behaviour - the implication being that if she had continued to be a "good" student you would have been happy to keep her at the current school. But now you're saying it is the whole structure of SA that makes the change of school imperative.

I completely understand that you must be anxious - even terrified - about her future. But in the end it is not Mumsnet you have to persuade but your own child.

OP - you have commented several times that your schools are very British, more British than the British, or like schools here were 50 years ago.

That right there is the problem. I went to school in the UK 30 years ago, when it was like that. None of the schools in UK are like that any more, because the schools recognised that some of those things were detrimental to the health and well being of children. Old fashioned schools, with long separations and little privacy are the hardest kind to adjust to.

That is why people on here have been at pains to point out that CURRENT uk experience is a world away from what you are talking about.

For example, when I was 16, I stopped boarding and became a day girl at the same school, involving a long journey every day. My Mum argued hard with the school to allow me to weekly board, as this would have allowed me to be home at weekends. School refused, so rather than remain as a full boarder I chose the long journey. Very few schools now would have a problem with weekly boarding, it is a normal part of the boarding mix that is found.

I do worry about the school you have chosen. Questions have been raised about the website. Please think about the detail as much as the general principle of boarding/not boarding

Yes and no ...Steppmum, i agree but its not really the a complete throwback 50 years as British school were, we have moved with the times as well and our new Constitution is the most progressive in the world and the rights of children, gays, minorities are people all enshrined in law and our systems, schools etc...and way ahead of the US and many other countries. The education system has been reformed and many schools like Potch Girls are doing well...many others not sadly but this is known to be one of the better government boarding schools.

These rights are taught and all children know them, but what I read about Uk on this forum and other Uk about boarding there, about drugs, money, and lack of control ...so where is the balance ?

Anyway ... Im surprised I could find nothing wrong with website in general ...perhaps i missed them? many school have only a basic websites and this is very informative. The real insight comes from the old girls forums and on Facebook ...they don't give the glossy website.

So thanks, yes i am going into the detail and will visit the school with Rachel before term closes ...if she does not reject the idea outright..

There are spelling, grammar, and continuity issues all over the website.

Like this one :) ...

Absolutely, but I wouldn't send my kids here for their education.

And Mumsnet is not trying to sell an educational service.

Also, the advice on this website is updated more than once every two school years..

But mumsnet is not an educational institute is it? A site written by a school to advertise itself really should be proof read, otherwise it is very careless, which raises concerns about what other aspects of their governance is insufficient care being put into.

I really would agree with Gandalf. If what you are really worried about is peer influence then you should bear in mind that children at boarding school are the primary influence on each other, much more than they would at home where there is more adult interaction going on. It's one of the reasons why boarding schools have had such big issues with bullying in the past.

I went to a state boarding school and loved it. It was mixed sex though. I learnt to be independent (laundry, tidying etc) at an early age but had an enormous amount of freedom as well. It's worth noting that staff cannot possibly keep an eye on your daughter as much as you would at home, the numbers just don't add up!

Sure... as always, two wrongs always makes a right...sure in a perfect world it is always easy to crit, not so easy to change or make a difference...

anyway send me the list of improvements, and I will ask my daughter, if she goes, to get involved and offer to help with improving and updating the website.

Hi, did no one watch the video these boarders made on "how to survive boarding school"?

Any views....or question about our accents ... :)

You are extraordinarily defensive Chantal

If your daughter goes I would hope that she would be too busy being educated to have the time to take on writing the school website. That is a job for a professional adult.

I speak from my experience of boarding in the UK- something I work in everyday and do make changes/make a difference.

I am telling you that from my standpoint it doesn't look like the kind of place I would send a child of mine to. Also you are mistaken in thinking it is just like British boarding.

Of course you must make the decision that is best for your daughter using all of the information you have available. But please don't get chippy with me for discussing the issues you have raised.

Sorry, a week of being attacked and even sworn at by some has been very upsetting. Thanks to all for those who provided feedback and some real input, into what we may feel and how to deal with what we going through, it is really appreciated...both those for and against boarding and even those unsure were all great.

It was just an idea on the website .... that she would one day, with doing things in a real life context, like helping proof the website, she would be able to learn and apply far more than the theory of English she learns in class... and perhaps, and just perhaps ... in doing this, with a few pointers from someone, a mentor on the other side of the planet, she would feel engaged and part of something.

And over time and with this one seed planted, my hope is she will engage in many other things she could do in and as part of this school and community, and with me and her family supporting and encouraging, with mentors, role models, teaches she will plant these mustard seeds, and with just one seed taking ...she will become the professional adult mentioned and become the tree providing 100 fold for our nation, and to make a difference on our journeys into eternity.

Thank you all and God bless. Chantal.

Ok. Watched the video.

You mentioned the obvious SA "issue" vaguely above. Not sure the video does SA any favours. Not exactly diverse.

One girl imitated a cleaner - clearly indicating someone of a different race to the six pupils in the video. Distasteful.

I wouldn't want to be a pupil of a different race to the video makers in that school.

I wouldn't make a positive decision about a school based on this evidence.

If those girls are at the boarding school you are thinking about then I don't see how it fits with the uniform all the time/ basic approach. Also they were describing weekly boarding?

They come across as pretty typical teenagers I guess, although I'd say they appeared a bit shallow and not terribly nice (I too thought the imitation of the cleaner was a bit off). I'm sure it was a video made for their mates though, so not really for parents to get an idea as to the school ethos.

Agree to both commends...but they just acting out, and in any act it would be a bit strange to pretend act the cleaner being the headmistress. this is different school, the one we looking at is 50/50 mixed.

What about their approach to the so called problems and horrors of boarding school proposed on this thread for teenage going kids?