Considering boarding for our daughter next year...

[Chantal2009]

her first year in high school was rather a bit of a challenge with her getting braces and all BUT overall it was very disappointing, from merit student, to poor grades, tons of peer pressure, continual focus on boys, no interest in sport or work.

One big reason is the high schools in the area are very mediocre to say the least and we considering sending her to boarding next year. The school Im thinking of is a really good / solid all girls state school about 3 hours by bus from home...kind of basic in someways so it is certainly not a fancy private one btw, which i would not consider even if we could afford it.

Challenge is how will she react to being sent? And then cope when there? Please note if i asked her she would just say no, and that would then close it down, so asking or engaging would not work. Secondly a friends daughter really struggled when she went ...it seemed it was a big adjustment and it took over 6 months to even get used to it ...now she is fine, 2 years later , actually getting on quite well but it was not easy.

I was wondering if any parents have experienced their kids going, ie being sent to board or even they went themselves?

My brother boarded from 13 and my sister and I in sixth form (and I did ask to go!). I'm not sure that any of us would describe our experience as 'special'. Generally I think my brother found school OK but would have rather been at home, my sister made great life long friends and I was very happy to escape from a difficult relationship from my mother. My cousins also boarded, although one of them repeatedly ran away and came out with very few qualifications. His father had been equally unhappy!

I think that you are right not to let your dd feel she has a choice if you've made up your mind, my sister did this with her son and it caused major ructions (she thought he would understand her reasoning, he thought she would understand that he really didn't want to go). But your thinking seem a bit overly confident that this school will change your daughters attitude and approach to school with no possible downsides. It is just as possible that your daughter will be angry/upset to be sent away, miserable at school and as a result do just as badly as she is now, with the added bonus of damaging your relationship.

My dp was sent to board from 7-15 years old and from the start he didn't like it. His parents kept saying 'you'll get used to it' but every phone call he would ask to come home. He is dyslexic and I suppose classed as a problem and felt like he was being punished 'sent away.'

I know this isn't the case for all but be wary of the repercussions of your child not wanting to be there or agreeing to go

steppe if you reread what I wrote I said "qualms or hostilities" your comment clearly fell into the former. Although I have to say suggesting that boarding school for primary aged children should be banned I interpret as I know better than you as loving parents do when it comes to you children which could be taken badly and does not generally bring out the best in parents!
On the other hand Tweasells comment clearly was hostile and unnecessarily harsh as she's acknowledged. I am determined not to rise (to much) to the anti boarding brigade luckily I know what the actual reality of boarding in 2013 ini the UK I hasten to add is.
OP I understand that SA is in a terrible state and I also understand that you are desperate to do the best for your DD. My DS wanted to board from 7 yrs old and I went to look at a boarding prep school with the actually same views as Tweasells Steppe and Curlew I was completely taken aback it was not what I expected at all all my prejudices and misconceptions were shattered, I like you wanted to do the best for him and it felt I had no other viable options. Talk to your daughter in an honest way, go and look at the school together with an open mind if possible (or maybe another one if it's location etc is as problematic as suggested above) and then both of you can hopefully decide what's best.
There are children with behavioural problems; misbehaving at school arguing with parents etc who do benefit from boarding, a change is as good as a rest, the teacher pupil relationship is completely different from the parent child relationship, the camaraderie that often exists between pupils many enjoy so I don't think you should rule I out for that reason. But the schools ethos has to fit yours and more importantly your DD's.

Same old same old....

OP It would have been better if you had said you're in SA weeks ago, because a lot if time has been wasted giving you advice which is completely irrelevant to your situation.

I wouldn't be adding to this conversation now if I didn't have actual experience to offer you.

I have been a boarder in England.

I have siblings who have boarded on the same continent as OP, further north, different conditions, similar issues.

I have experience of a child boarding NOW in England.

My experience, decades ago, was perfectly tolerable but it is nothing like boarding school in England now. The children I am involved with who board find it absolutely heavenly. The entire focus is on making sure they are happy. They are NOT "sent away". PLEASE STOP SAYING THAT. They are never in school for more than two and a half to three weeks at a time -because the whole school empties for compulsory short leaves. They can see their families pretty much every weekend as well. And parents drop in on the slightest excuse. Frankly I wish I could be a boarder here now.

It is a different situation in the OP's part of the world. My family had to make a similar decision years ago and despite the magnificence of the "best" school a day's journey away, decided it was too much of a risk and settled on a much closer, less stupendous school. Conditions were harsh by today's standards, and the people who went have not forgotten it. But the alternatives would have led precisely nowhere.

Think hard OP.

Obviously I didn't mean "same old same old" in response to HG - just to the endlessly repeated responses from positions of ..... ignorance.

Sthingmustbescaringthemaway,

I really agree with your post.

As I have tried to say boarding NOW in UK is very different to what my peers and I experienced many a few years ago.

My impression is that the OP's dd will be going to a school much more like my experience. Which is why I thought my experience was relevant.

As I said in an earlier post, when we were overseas, we would have had to make a decision abut boarding. I absolutely did not want my kids to go, but in the circumstances we were in, we would probably have ended up with ds boarding. Circumstances in life are rarely perfect, kids are perfectly capable of making the most of a situation.

But OP, I really doesn't feel as if you are hearing any of the people who are saying be careful. Especially the poster from SA?

Hi all - I was asked to answer the GandalfsPointyHat points.

1. YES, we are South African -
2. Differences between and types and ethos of schools very varied, the world over and not just South Africa BUT fundamentally, boarding it is exactly the same for the child and the family no matter where you are!
3. Drugs is a HUGE problem and everywhere - YES, but much more in schools (including day schools) where there is no or a lack control or discipline. I'm sure there have been incidents in this school, but to be honest the girls here seem to be focusing on stashing 'tuck' and food... and not drugs LOL. Check this video out ... let me know what you think of SA girls and being boarders ... their own video on how to survive boarding school!!!

4. Crime levels should worry you - YES, we all but the majority is in the suburbs in large cities or townships - not in a provincial girls boarding school. What option does one have - move to the UK?
5. The 'uniform' after school - YES, its not 100%, but it its practical, cost effective, the girls are generally fine with it as they have very little cupboard space, there 8 in a dorm, and key is there is no differentiation between the 'haves' and the kids that dont. They all equal on their abilities to be part of a team, thier personalities and characters - not their clothes and I have no problems with it. What is the difference from the school uniform??? In this school they still have to wear blazers church and to town!

• to be honest boarding school is institutionalisation (holds true for putting them in ANY school and uniform) - why pretend otherwise :)
• please note the a weekly church service is mandatory (they can go to any regain but one is mandatory) :)

5. Bus is a higher risk but I will check safety if we have to use it! How far are you by car! 2 hours - absolutely I have rethought this we will now just drive her to school. We will also pick her up and we will also be visiting in the term ... the school organises many sporting and cultural events where the family is invited.
6. You will have no control or insight over her curriculum if you only see her so little - CORRECT / good point, as I will not be doing much homework with her but I have the Country Grade teachers curriculum handbook so when we call, mail, FB each other we can discuss where she is!
7. Do you have private healthcare? YES
8. Boarding school can be great fun - I hope she will find this over time
9. Visiting - we plan to be there often and YES, we plan to be parents involved with the school.
10. weekends out - yes with parents permission one is allowed to join friends in the communities
11. YES - I have considered somewhere like Crawford college? Yes I would love for her to go ... yes about R80,000 per annum so it is double this school (and I need for our youngest as well when she gets to high in 2 years) ... so unless I get some kind mum on net mothers to donate me about GBP 7000 per a year.

Please wish me strength (and luck) as I'm going to discuss it with her on Wednesday after her exams! So nothing above is confirmed until we chat! C

The website does not state 8 in a dorm, it actually states less.

It doesn't have any 'news' on it since January 2012.

Obviously you may have access to different information, but judging from the website you quoted it doesn't seem like a reliable bet.

"fundamentally, boarding it is exactly the same for the child and the family no matter where you are!"

No it isn't!

Sthing thanks. By the way you're wasting your breath it doesn't matter what you say those who know soo much about boarding despite not having any current experience i.e. children in boarding in 2013 will always pop up on threads like this and add their helpful comments.
OP I know nothing about your situation but please don't think that boarding schools are stuffed with dysfunctional teenagers who are unable to form meaningful relationships, whose parents are cold and heartless and can't wait to see the back of them. This in 2013 is not the case by any stretch of the imagination most parents and children do it because perhaps like you they believe their child is getting something he can't get in a day school.

wow - great reply lol - no it isn't ... come on - wow even my youngest daughter can muster more than a - yes it is / no it isn't

Oxford dictionary - a noun
'a school which provides accommodation and meals for the pupils during term time. '

... so fundamentally the child goes away from home to stay at school during term time ... what other types of boarding do you get ????

Please let us know if you find another type - perhaps in the UK or New Zeeland, or Canada or the US you have something else?

Chantal- there are many different types of boarding school. However, as you seem utterly determined to send your child to boarding school, and are simply asking people to confirm you in your belief that she will get to like it in time even if she doesn't at first, and that the benefits outweigh any disadvantages, I don't really see why you posted at all!

Haven't claimed to know anything about boarding in SA in fact quite the opposite if you read what I wrote I am responding to the endless and tedious comments made on here e.g. tweassells that boarding in general is the most terrible thing you can ever inflict on your child and that it will result in permanent emotional damage.
I tried not to rise to it but as usual failed!

I think curlew was saying that the experience of boarding is not the same for all children and families, rather than the definition of boarding is not the same....

Clearly curlew was foolish for assuming you were interested in kids' and familiy's experiences rather than the definition...

Not to worry, I asked for help... Curley has no experience of boarding by her own admission, so Im not sure why you defend that she now only wants to share her "experiences"....

Of course there different types of schools, this I already said and acknowledged this many times, yet all we got was a "no it isn't " to the point that it is same, especially when looking at boarding at a base level , and even more so when looking what it means emotionally for a child to leave home ...for example homesickness is a universal emotion.

But the reaction and defense to even most narrow of definition of boarding shows how at no level are you really thinking or willing to engage or discuss on what I asked for help on which is sad. Im not confirming anything ...just asking for help.

You probably have your kids all set ...who will or are going to some perfectly good local school, or even can afford some great local private school ... and you all set. Yet here I sit, worried sick and in tears having to make the most difficult decision of my life to try and ensure my child's very survival, yet Im the foolish one.

Perhaps I should not be angry, as you possibly don't understand the reality of the social and economic, racial and political context in which we live here in Africa ...the difference between getting an education and not getting one is NOT the difference between being a bank administrator or a bank manager ...in Africa its the difference between a job and no job and Africa the jobless, the poor, the weak, the sick, the old are left to starve and die. This is the law of life here and this is the one chance, and it is only a chance btw...but it is the ONE shot at the difference between having a life and almost certain death.

It is easy to judge when in your position...

"Not to worry, I asked for help... Curley has no experience of boarding by her own admission, so Im not sure why you defend that she now only wants to share her "experiences"...."

Really? Where did I say I has no experience of boarding?

Oh, and if it's a choice between boarding school and almost certain death I do rather wonder why you are asking for opinions..................

Why don't you say then ;) ...just stop cutting and pasting my words ... almost always out of context ...

just simply tell us you experience then!

Oh and ....tell us where you kids go to school and what really tough life decisions you have had to make recently, really shallow ...anyway I bet we get another copy paste :)

I c and p twice- and only so that my reply would make sense. There was no context issue.

Sorry-you have no interest in anything but affirmation. And I am not prepared to give it.

On phone so can't post much, but really, homesickness is NOT a universal emotion. Some kids won't be homesick, some will be a bit, some will be a lot and a very few will be suicidal and traumatised. You really can't say that kids and family experiences of boarding school are the same, they are so not.

Everyone on this thread and your other one has said your dd needs to agree with it and if you force her you stand the very real risk of screwing up her familial relationships permanently.

And no I know nothing of life in SA (most posters won't as this is a British site) but I doubt the choice is as stark as you claim. I doubt all SA kids having normal teenage tantrums end up dead in the gutter and I doubt the school choice is the current one or boarding. There must be somewhere else.

Finally you might want to post in the Teenage boards - there are some very knowledgeable posters there who may help with her behaviour issues.

Haven't read the whole thread but you did say be honest… My four DCs have all boarded/are boarding and love it but no way would a school in the UK now only have one weekend a term home - I have a friend whose daughter has transferred from UK boarding to SA boarding and says she has gone backwards thirty years or more. I think she will survive, she all get an education, but unless she TOTALLY buys into the advantages then she is going to be damaged by the experience. What you are contemplating is simply not comparable to the cosy UK experience of modern boarding schools. Yes, homesickness is a fact of life, if not at school then very often at university, but I would never, ever contemplate any of my DCs being somewhere where they couldn't come home every couple of weeks. My DD has boarded since 11 and yet has found the first term of Uni hard because she is the other end of the country and only came home for the first time after eight weeks - I think you are underestimating the impact that this might have on your child, sorry.

It would have been really helpful if you had mentioned in your first post that you are in SA, because the experience is not at all similar. Even you admit that. On the one hand you say that boarding is exactly the same wherever you are, then you tell us that the difference between having an education or not in SA is the difference between a job and almost certain death! I don't think you'll find too many areas of the UK where the choice is as stark as that!

If we don't understand the reality of life in SA, why are you posting here?

Chantel, I simply can't understand why you are asking for help. You don't seem to want to hear the opinions of others.

Are you going to answer my points re. The concerns I've raised about the school website? or should I give up and go to bed