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Original poster

Undeserved bursary

313 replies

Hamstersball · 16/03/2013 23:13

I know a child that has been offered a very substantial bursary at my dd's independent school. She has passed the academic selection process and on the surface can be very charming, able to talk to grown ups at ease etc. However we have known her for several years as dd1 and her are in the same brownies pack and her behaviour has always been dreadful: picking fights with other dc, racist and foul language, lying when confronted, bullying other children. I can only conclude that her school lied between their teeth about her when they gave her a reference to support her bursary application as several mothers who know her at school say her behaviour is also dreadful there. I'm really tempted to inform dd's school about the true nature of this child and want to know if anyone has done something similar and what was the outcome.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 17/03/2013 16:23

So you don't think your child's school is capable of teaching this little girl fighting is wrong, racist comments are wrong, lying is wrong,etc, and turning out a better person?

If they don't like the girl's behaviour when she is there, they can always withdraw the bursary.

Bunbaker · 17/03/2013 16:32

Labro Sorry. I am a bit sensitive about bullying. I understood that the OP's daughter was already being bullied by the other girl. DD is in year 8 and I know how horrible girls of that age can be. I don't imagine the other girl will suddenly stop bullying the OP's daughter unless the school intervenes, as it sounds like the bully isn't currently being picked up on her behaviour.

Labro · 17/03/2013 16:44

No problems bunbaker, the OP says that the bad behaviour isn't being dealt with at Brownies, volunteers don't have the same powers as schools and I've personally known children who don't get on very well in these sort of clubs be completely different in a school setting. The OP really shouldn't base attitudes towards a child in a school based on limited knowledge from outside that environment.

difficultpickle · 17/03/2013 17:03

Maybe the child's poor behaviour is exactly why her parents want her to change school? It seems that her current school hasn't managed to do anything about it and maybe the new school believe they can?

Letticetheslug · 17/03/2013 17:19

As a parent helper I was told dealing with behavioral issues is not part of my responsibilities and this should be left to the leaders.

and you still haven't got the message?

MrsDeVere · 17/03/2013 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happygardening · 17/03/2013 17:26

MTS I work with children in both an educational setting and outside of school I am aware of the effects of bullying probably more than many. I in no way condone bullying or the bullies themselves. Obviously as parents and as a professional who works with children I would like all children's experiences to be positive but in the real world of school brownies scouts or just walking down the road this is not realistic. When our children are grown ups and hopefully shifting for themselves with jobs hobbies partners etc they will also meet people they like and people they don't they will meet people who are practiced bullies this is sadly life. I also know that it is often the most unlikely child that can in a moment of what can only be described as madness be expectionally unkind and cruel. So as I've already pointed out even if the OP moved her daughter and was heavily able to get every child there is no guarantee that every child is going to be Mary Poppins.
I don't want my children bullied and I don't want my children to be bullies equally I don't want any of the children I work with bullied or to be that bully but I accept that through their school career it is inevitable that they or their friends will come into contact with bullies and that I hope that from this awful experience something positive comes out of it in that they will learn how best to manage it.
Interestingly two friends have recently made formal complaints of long term bullying at work one in the private sector one in the state sector in both cases unlike schools the employer has been slow to react and left the person being bullied feeling that somehow it was there fault. All the schools I work with or have experience of through my DC's take bullying very seriously and especially in the independent boarding sector bullies are punished very seriously.

ZZZenAgain · 17/03/2013 17:26

she has said a few times that she stopped taking her dd to brownies because of this other girl's behaviour.

Labro · 17/03/2013 17:33

ZZZ - that being so, OP should raise a written complaint with the District Commissioner as that is how complaints within brownies are dealt with. It does not follow that because a child has difficulties with behaviour at brownies that this will also happen at school. OP has no experience of dealing with the child in a school setting and has no knowledge of the childs needs, academic or otherwise.

bruffin · 17/03/2013 17:44

Zzzenagain
She didn't say that . She said that her didn't want to go but she never said they stopped going and was there on Friday.

Also how she knows the girls academic record i have no idea. If her df was in the same class and said the other girl is not on top table then maybe she might have an incling, but not even in the same school she would have no idea.
Even in the same school she could very well be wrong.

Coconutty · 17/03/2013 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ronaldo · 17/03/2013 17:58

Ye Gods , so many posters with so many views.

The one person I am seriously beginning to feel sorry for in all of this is the poor DC ( daughter of the Op) who is clearly going to have to deal with whatever fall out there is - be it, being in the class with a bully, having to move schools , being moved class in an existing school or made to feel a leper because her DP complains.

Its not good any way.

freddiemisagreatshag · 17/03/2013 17:58

I did type a long post. but it's pointless.

OP you're in the wrong. You sound vile and narrow minded and judgemental and all those things you think that little girl is.

She's 10. You're not. She has time to change. You are probably too set in your ways, which is a shame.

duchesse · 17/03/2013 18:05

Hamster did you apply for a scholarship for your DD? I'm just wondering idly now. You sound terribly over-invested in this other child's life, so I'm wondering if there's another deeper reason.

Other than that I refuse to believe that it's actually possible to make any child's life "a misery" in 1.5 hours per week. Surely your DD would actually refuse to go if that were the case?

NorthernLurker · 17/03/2013 18:06

'Take this evidence and present it to the head of the school. tell him how you have assessed the child's academic capabilities. Tell him your theories regarding the child's school lying to him, explain how you don't think his school is able to educate this girl and that she has manipulated him and the other adults on the board into accepting her'

I'll buy a ticket to that!

duchesse · 17/03/2013 18:07

That made me Grin as well.

freddiemisagreatshag · 17/03/2013 18:10
NotADragonOfSoup · 17/03/2013 18:18

Why do you send your child to a school you hold in such low regard?

You seem to think they will simply let this child mess about and be rude and disruptive. I would not send my child to a school with such low levels of discipline.

lougle · 17/03/2013 18:20

"The girl in question is bright but not exceptional."

On what basis??

This must be really eating you up. Poor you.

NorthernLurker · 17/03/2013 18:21

If the school were to sell us all tickets they could net enough to establish another bursary for the undeserving poor. Could be named after the OP! Grin

Ronaldo · 17/03/2013 18:25

'Take this evidence and present it to the head of the school. tell him how you have assessed the child's academic capabilities. Tell him your theories regarding the child's school lying to him, explain how you don't think his school is able to educate this girl and that she has manipulated him and the other adults on the board into accepting her'

All that really describes is what happens whenever there is a bully around.

In my experience bullies need to be steppedon and kept stepped on but it doesnt happen because
a) bullies seem to have an incapacity to learn by consequence.
b) institutions seem to have an inability to act
c) everyone always wantsto give a bully a second chance ( and this leads the bully to trealise they can get away with it)
d) iothers find coping strategies that enable them not to getpicked on
d) victims always have to move.

I have worked in placeswhere staff turnover in deptsis high because of one manager who bullies. I have seen silly victims whop believe in social justice take out ET's ( and even win them) only to find they are now unemployable. I have seen endless misery. I have seen management have complaints against bullies numerous times yet still ignore them. In schools I have even known whole classes of students complain about a bully teacher ( who wasbullying kids and other staff) abd still nothing was doneexcept to gagthe satff and make them leave and placate the kids by moving the teacher from them and then making the kids lives hell so they too moved!

If a lesson can be learned young ( as happygardening would have you believe) it has to be that if you come against a bully, you need to get as far away as you can as fast as you can.

Thats the only thing that works.

NorthernLurker · 17/03/2013 18:26

To be serious for a moment though - OP do you realise that you are talking about a child? Do you appreciate that if you got your way you could be seriously disrupting this child's future? I'm with Akaemma - if you came near one of my children with your harmful gossip, my wrath would descend upon you from a great height and armed and dangerous solicitors would be called upon if required.

Just remember this is a child. some parent's adored child and you need to really, really mind your own business. You're so far past 'appropriate' it's just a speck in the distance. Clearly you've transmitted your nasty views to your own unfortunate child too. I'd try and fix that if I were you.

Ronaldo · 17/03/2013 18:27

Lots of bullies on this site too I am afraid. This thread is turning into a mobbing ( and mocking) of the OP. People who come here should at least be able to expect some support.

Ronaldo · 17/03/2013 18:31

Just remember this is a child
Thats another problem - bullying starts young and the ineffectual and bleeding heart approach of " just a child" enables them to run amock.

But this isnt about one child. This is about two children. The OP has a child too. That child is just a child too and needs consideration and protection.

NorthernLurker · 17/03/2013 18:33

Ronaldo - support does not require agreement and disagreement isn't bullying. I actually think it's very supportive to point out to the OP that she's in danger of seriously harming herself and others. If you (and she) just want a soothing pat on the metaphorical arm though then I suggest you try other sites.

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