Undeserved bursary

[Hamstersball]

I know a child that has been offered a very substantial bursary at my dd's independent school. She has passed the academic selection process and on the surface can be very charming, able to talk to grown ups at ease etc. However we have known her for several years as dd1 and her are in the same brownies pack and her behaviour has always been dreadful: picking fights with other dc, racist and foul language, lying when confronted, bullying other children. I can only conclude that her school lied between their teeth about her when they gave her a reference to support her bursary application as several mothers who know her at school say her behaviour is also dreadful there. I'm really tempted to inform dd's school about the true nature of this child and want to know if anyone has done something similar and what was the outcome.

Happy - MN is full of threads/posts about bullying and racism at school. MNetters have talked about the distress of having a child threaten suicide because of this. In the Real World you read about children actually commiting suicide.

How can any reasonable person suggest that exposing a child to bullying is a character building thing because it prepares them for the real world?

"Then I woul expect he school to make a judgement whether this child has a valuable contribution to make to the school life to justify the very substantial bursary she is getting."

Schools do not exist for children to demonstrate their ability to make a valuable contribution to school life. They exist to educate and inspire children for the good of society.

You should be grateful that someone, somewhere, cares about a girl who doesn't fit the mould.

I have a child with SN. I wouldn't be happy about her being called a spaz. I hope I'd be able to recognise whether she was doing it with genuine motive, or as a way of lashing out against a world in which she is struggling.

MTS, DD2 has been bullied at school. She came to me for help, which was forthcoming. (We discussed how she could act, so that she was not a "natural victim"; she also asked me to contact her form tutor about it in one occasion, but not on others, when she thought she could handle the situation, herself.)

I think that if a child is not supported, or for some reason, believes they will not be supported, then it could lead to very tragic results.

FWIW, DD has learnt a lot from these incidents. She has learnt there are things she can do herself. She has learnt that it is okay to ask for help. She has learnt to empathise with the bullies, to understand (although, not to excuse) their behaviour.

These situations have been good for her.

But, if I had not assisted her, and the school had not done its part, she would've learnt that bullies make your life miserable, and you are at their mercy.

We have no reason to believe that the OP's DD's school would not act as my DD's school did.

It depends on the child. If you have one who tells you what happens at school then it is easy to offer advice and support. If you have one that tells you nothing and you have to work out what is wrong from the change in their behaviour then that is much much harder to deal with.

I know its difficult, but this thread isn't about bullying and how children of different characters deal with it.
The OP is an adult making a set of judgements about a child she knows very little about on the basis that the child might be difficult for her child to deal with.
As many have said, the OP needs to take a step back, not blame 1 child for everything that may go wrong and look at different schools for her dd if she truly feels there is a problem (I have to say OP that your replies remind me of adults who go to a meeting for the sole purpose of jumping up and leaving loudly exclaiming 'I'm leaving now') so perhaps the reality is that you feel more than a bit miffed that the school have admitted a child you don't like but you were already rethinking future school options for your dd and are using this to justify moving her.

"The OP is an adult making a set of judgements about a child she knows very little about on the basis that the child might be difficult for her child to deal with"

I don't agree. The OP's child already has difficulties with this child at Brownies. Her daughter has even asked to be removed from Brownies because of her. She has also witnessed this child's bullying tactics at Brownies. There is no might about it.

The fact that she is on a bursary is irrelevant IMO and the OP shouldn't be concerned about that as it is none of her business. In fact the OP has just demonstrated why one of my friends has kept the fact that her daughter has won a scholarship to an independent school to a very few people. She is very aware that there is a lot of bitchiness about scholarships/bursaries.

The bursary in question is a means tested one and the income criteria is set very low so eliminates average income families. The process is passing an academic exam, interview and HTs reference. The girl in question is bright but not exceptional. I have been a parent helper at the brownie pack for the past 4 years and drop & pick up dd weekly, help at least twice a month and go on nearly all trips and camps so have spent a considerable amount of time with this girl and got to know her well. Her behaviour is appalling but when picked up on it Denys all involvement and turns on the charm to get herself out of trouble. i help out because all the other parent helpers now refuse to work with this girl since she is never punished for her behaviour. I do realise I am seeing this situation very personally as it will my dd and not your dcs who will be affected by this girl's behaviour at school. I have no problem with dcs getting bursaries and for the right child they can be life changing. What saddens me is there are so many other well behaved academic dcs out there who will never get the opportunities the school can offer because it has been given to a foul mouthed racist bully

Schools do not exist for children to demonstrate their ability to make a valuable contribution to school life. They exist to educate and inspire children for the good of society.
Not if you are on a bursary or scholarship for independent schools. The whole point of scholarships and bursaries is to find dcs who make the school look good, to maintain their charitable status and get more fee paying bums on seats

Dd has got to the point where she decided to not to continue before then she has wanted to go. Seeing this girl once a week for 2 hours is very different from seeing her 5 days a week at school.

I'm surprised you have continued with Brownies if this child has such a negative effect on your dd. It also sounds as if you have little confidence in your dd's school and the award of a bursary to this girl may just be the tipping point. What year is your dd in and why do you think they will also end up in senior school together?

If it is a scholarship then the school does have different expectations from non-scholars. Most schools hold up scholars as examples of how pupils should be so whilst all behaviour is important the behaviour of scholars is under a microscope. At ds's school everyone knows who have choral scholarships as they wear different colour ties to the rest of the pupils.

What an utterly unpleasant individual you sound. Frankly, if my kid attended a school or Brownies at a place where you helped I'd be moving them sharpish.

Unpleasant traits can be educated out of a child. As an adult yours appear deeply ingrained.

I imagine being a foul mouthed racist bully would mean you did not deserve a bursary. The school literature states that bursaries are awarded for academic excellence and exemplary behaviour I would have thought you would have to fulfil both briefs to get such an award. From my substantial experience of this girl her behaviour is certainly not exemplary hence my post.

TBH I'm finding this thread increasingly less believable . If this child's behaviourist this bad ( exclusions etc) it will have been flagged up to her parents on several occasions ,who apparently do nothing about it ,yet are willing to have their personal finances scrutinised in order to get her into an independent school . Doesn't sound right to me somehow . The former sounds like parents who don't care , the latter parents who care a lot . Either way the OP is not going to see anyone's POV except her own so there's little point in this thread.

Haven't read whole thread but .... at the end of the day every child deserves an education. As someone else said this child was awarded bursary as passed exam and due to parents income, if it also depended on a possibly over positive reference from primary HT then I feel that is a matter for the schools to deal with between themselves.
I do rather think you sound over involved in this, or potentially will be if you speak out to your DD's school about it.
Also agree if you don't think it's a positive friendship from your DD's POV then perhaps just say that and see if they can be in different classes ?

Bunbaker, just to clarify, the might was because the OP daughter has never been at school with the other child. Schools and Brownie packs are totally different things and a child who is badly behaved at one cannot be assumed to be badly behaved towards the OP daughter in a very different setting