Calling any mums who have been through the trauma of DC leaving their much loved boarding prep - help!

[SoggySummer]

13yo DD left her much loved boarding prep school earlier this week.

As expected there were many tears amongst her and her friends on the final day.

Yesterday she went to sleepover leaving party and came home this morning. So probably is very tired as well.

Just after tea she was sullen and rude about something to do with her new senior school. I was sympathetic and as supportive as I could be as I suppose its understandable as she is so down about leaving her prep school.

The harsh reality is that because her prep was a full boarding school the pupils came from far and wide and some are unlikely to ever see each other again.

She is the only one from her prep going onto her next school but thats the case for most of her friends. She is being so negative about her next school its worrying me. Obviously this is day 1 and leaving her prep is still raw for her but she is worrying me because she is being so rude about her next school and saying the friends wont be the same (which they wont be initially), the school cant offer any more as her prep did everything blah blah blah. I have tried to explain friendships dont happen overnight and she was not keen on some the kids that became her closest friends by the end of her prep school and that may be the case at her new school but she isn't having any of it.

She is normally such a bright happy go lucky, open perceptive and postive girl its quite a shock to see her like this. Sullen is just not her - but she is just that right now.

She has cried alot today and spent the day attached to her mobile and facebook, sharing pics of their recent leavers trip and events etc etc.

Please someone who has been here before - who knows how hard this is tell me it will be OK. It has been (even for me) a very emotional week and I am now sat here in tears (DD in bed). Am so worried about DD and September. To make matters worse DH is about to deploy for 7 months so I will be coping with this alone.

Please can some one talk me through this - someone must have been here before.

Can she not go to a school where some of her friends go? Why is she the only one?

Its just the way it is krumbum.

Families are spread all over the UK and world. Most of her friends are also the only ones moving onto their next school. There are 3 of them going to the same school and 2 to another but thats it.

We have had to pick a school within an hours drive of her god parents and my sister who will be her guardians if/when we get posted abroad which is looking possible at the end of 2013.
She helped choose her next school and spent the last 2 years working towards Common Entrance to get in. She went for a new pupils 3 day/2 night trial just after her exams in June and came out really happy and yapped happily all about it the hour and a half drive back to her prep school.

Just really feeling sad for her. Thankfully last night one of her prep school friends mums called and invited her to stay with them for 4 days next week. That seems to have perked her up but I am still worried about how she seems to have turned so negative. Am hoping its just a normal reaction to the emotional week we have just been through.

Can anyone share any wisdom or advice with me please??

I wouldnt over worry frankly. Obviously shes upset and if like my DS she boarded at prep from an early age she will have made very good friends and leaving can be hard. But when she gets to her new school she will find that shes so busy and that everyone else is in the same boat that she will quickly make friends.
I think part of the problem is that the summer holiday is so long. We seemed to spend years looking at schools, interviews in yr 6 deciding which school to choose, preparing for the entrance exam, passing it and the leaving the prep but looking back it all went so quickly but the first few weeks of the summer holidays when my DS left seemed to drag by. I think because we were so close to the objective ultimately the reason why we sent him to prep school and also that nagging doubt would it live up to our expectations would it be all we hoped it woul be? We found that the first four weeks went slowly but the last four rushed by and then one day your driving there and your DC is starting on the next phase in their lives and within a week we all can barely remember the prep and now having completed the first year never think about it. He occassionally contacts his friends on face book but he's not that bothered he has a new life.
Has she not had a new girls lunch/ tea/ dinner at her new school? I thought this was pretty standard stuff my DS did and the new children at the school I work at do. We were given a list of addresses etc and we met up with one boy and had lunch went to the uniform shop etc it just meant my DS knew one person in his house. If you haven't got contact numbers you could ring the school HMs are probably away on holiday but admin staff are there maybe theyll give you a couple of phone numbers. Also a friend of a friend knew a boy going to the same school different house and my DS met him too. You could even ask on MN assuming your boarding again it's a relatively small world or contact mums from your old prep and ask if they know of someone. Finally look at the new schools website with your DD my DS got a new boys info pack if you have one read it with her get her we had a bit of a giggle about the schools own language (now he wouldnt even notice it) get her involved in buying the new uniform discuss why you chose this school over St Elsewhere look at the things the school does that she couldn't do at prep things shes interested in perhaps a new sport a bigger orchestra a jazz band anything try and encourage her to see what wonderful new opportunities she's going to have and IME they really are. Also can she not meet up with her friends from prep we were 200 miles from our school but he did meet up with a couple of people over this long holiday.
She will be fine you've only got a maxim of 8 weeks to go maybe even less some boarding schools are back at the end of August the last 3-4 weeks will fly by and then you'll be reading a new clothes list. Oh and I nearly forgot sewing in 100s of name tapes perhaps she could help with this!!

Sorry cross posted hope I've helped!

Thank you Happy Gardening. You are right the 8 week lull and build up after such a manic few months at school is hard.

I will check over the extras list and clubs etc and try to plug those.

I do know someone with a dd who will be in her year and boarding house so will see if I can do something with that but fear she has got such a negative attitude atm it could be a disaster. Hopefully she will perk up soon.

Thank you.

She's probably exhausted as you say, and worn out by all the emotion - girls of that age will really have wound each other up in the final days. Thirteen is quite a difficult age anyway. If she's only just got back I think you can be patient and not too worried with a few days letting off steam/grieving, it's a big transition, and I remember always finding the transition back to home life a bit difficult emotionally anyway, even without a big ending in the mix. (Didn't board at prep but went at 15 and was v. v. attached to my school for various reasons, found leaving at the end very painful.)

I wouldn't push anything to do with the new school for the next week or so, it's probably too soon, but good to suggest activities and diversions. Are there hobbies/pastimes she enjoys that she does at home but couldn't do at school? Either something they didn't have the facilities for at school (e.g. riding) or wasn't allowed (computer games? baking? experimenting with make up?), or perhaps things that are a bit babyish but which she secretly still enjoys (I would covertly rearrange my dollshouse in school holidays for years, make things for it etc). Are there siblings she can muck around with? A little bit of mild regression/playing might help.

You sound upset too and anxious about the transition. Maybe good to chat to your own friends about it as well? Good suggestion to get in touch with incoming families at the new school if poss but I'd leave it a few weeks.

I think it's pretty normal to have this negative attitude to any change - I find change daunting and children I imagine even more so.

My DS goes to the local state and he was adament he wasn't leaving infants and starting juniors - that was even being on the same site with the same class he had in year 2! He actually was more excited after transition day and we ordered his new uniform that night. Summer holidays were hell - sorry!

Even now he's leaving year 3 and going to year 4 (same school and class remaining the same) we're going through the same behaviour changes and I know it's anxiousness.

I love the idea of looking at what it offers. I will actually do the same with DS - ie look what year 4's can do year 3's can't.

It sounds to me as if your giving your DD the best you can and she'll grow up to be a well adjusted adult who can adapt well.

I too agree your DD will be tired I'm sure she hardly slept the last week of term and I'm sure there was lots of fun stuff going on. When my DS left his prep last year the girls were crying and hugging each other whilst the boys were definitely less moved on the outside at least. Its also hard going from the top back to the bottom my DS's boarding prep was just over 120 children his senior school 650 and 18 year olds are significantly more grown up so it's a big change. Remind her that she wanted to go to this school and worked hard to get there and should be proud of herself althought you understand her anxiety but it's normal all the other girls will feel the same.
My DS next year will mentor a first year for the first couple of weeks and when he met him a couple of weeks ago my DS gave him his mob. number so that he could contact him if he has any questions. Does your DD have anything like this a friendly voice of similar age might help her nerves.
The other thing is that my DS is allowed lots more "home clothes" at senior school than at prep so perhaps you could go out and buy her some new clothes this is bound to make her feel more positive!

I really wouldn't worry. She's tired and something she loved, which was so familiar - life as she knew it - has ended. No wonder she feels vile about it. And hormones can add to the havoc.

Give her two or three terms to settle into her new school. She helped choose it, so there'll be things she loves about it, and if she made close friendships at her prep she'll make them at her next school too.

She'll be fine.

So your going abroad and leaving her in a boarding school? Wow, she's a just child, don't you want her with you?

13 is a difficult age to move school regardless of whether it is boarding or not

I guess just listen to her and sympathise that having to move on is hard and sad but it doesn't mean that the next school will be awful.

Wow judgy much Krumbum! You do not know the OPs circumstances. Depending on the industry that the OP or her DH are in they may move around a lot and it is better for their child not to have schooling disrupted constantly with moves to different countries. Also depending on where they end up, there may not be decent schooling at a senior level.

OP I'm sure once the end of term tiredness has worn off she will be fine.

Rich people problems. It's not fair on the kids, You make sacrifices for your children. Making huge amounts of money is not worth missing your daughters childhood.

It's also private schooling which is inherently immoral.

"Rich people problems"

I don't envy forces parents options, they live knowing the enlisted parent could be killed and they have to chose between boarding school for their dc or having them follow them around the world but only when they can.

Not all forces are well paid either!

You can't afford to put children in boarding school unless your wealthy.

OP says her and DH are ikely to be posted abroad. Boarding school is better than a move abroad for a child doing GCSE's. Krum

Whatever the reasons for the schooling choices they are private and the OP's decision. It seems a very good one as her DD has loved her prep so much.

What Randommess said.

If you are so anti private schooling why are posting on a thread about it?

Also when my DH went to boarding school, his schooling was paid for by his Dads employer, it really is not necessarily a problem of the rich. Should the OP and her family give up work and live on benefits so they can stay around their DD 24/7?

I speak as someone who has never been to boarding school and am unlikely to send my DC either. Get off your high horse.

Krumbum there is a time and a place for expressing opinions like that and this isn't it. The OP was asking for advice from people who have been in the same boat. If you want to start a thread in which to be judgey about other people's decisions please feel free to do so.

Really I know children who go to boarding school for free - no fees at all...

I know children who go to private day school free - no fees at all...

Would you put your child in school that was in special measures and was consistently the worst in the county, where get this out of 100 children only a handful of dc sat their GCSE in geography or french - I stopped asking after that tbh!!!!

'

Rich people problems. It's not fair on the kids, You make sacrifices for your children. Making huge amounts of money is not worth missing your daughters childhood.

It's also private schooling which is inherently immoral.
'

If you are in the Forces some of your remuneration comes in the form of boarding school fees being paid. And people in the Forces are not particularly well paid in comparison with lots of other well-qualified people. They are the folk keeping you safe, by the way.

Oh and what about the child I know locally, his Mum has terminal cancer -his only relative other than an aged childless uncle living 200 miles away so he has been settled into local boarding school with the support of social services so he can stability in his life for the next few years until he is 18 rather than having to be fostered miles away. This way he gets to see his Mum every weekend and stay with her until she dies.

But yep it's just a priveldge of the wealthy.

I think it's quite normal for children to be 'strained' at the beginning of the summer holidays, last day, or boarding school, or whatever. Both mine were obnoxious, to be honest, for the first three or four days until they'd had a good rest and cleared their minds. I have had to bite my lip at times.

Actually this also reminds me of a conversation my friend and I had last week.
Looking at next years term dates - for planning purposes, booking short stays etc we noticed how organised we'd have to be at Christmas as we break up Friday and Christmas Eve is Monday!! I then laughed and said it may be better as did she remember how awful they were in the long run up to it last year?

I think it's the holidays and the sudden lack of routine that does affect them iyswim?

randomness that poor child.

Yeah that's the option benefits or abandoning a child .
I wouldn't send my child to any kind of private school because they are elitist and immoral. Even if They got a free place.
This is exactly the place, its always important to be working towards a fair and equal society.