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Original poster

Calling any mums who have been through the trauma of DC leaving their much loved boarding prep - help!

87 replies

SoggySummer · 13/07/2012 23:23

13yo DD left her much loved boarding prep school earlier this week.

As expected there were many tears amongst her and her friends on the final day.

Yesterday she went to sleepover leaving party and came home this morning. So probably is very tired as well.

Just after tea she was sullen and rude about something to do with her new senior school. I was sympathetic and as supportive as I could be as I suppose its understandable as she is so down about leaving her prep school.

The harsh reality is that because her prep was a full boarding school the pupils came from far and wide and some are unlikely to ever see each other again.

She is the only one from her prep going onto her next school but thats the case for most of her friends. She is being so negative about her next school its worrying me. Obviously this is day 1 and leaving her prep is still raw for her but she is worrying me because she is being so rude about her next school and saying the friends wont be the same (which they wont be initially), the school cant offer any more as her prep did everything blah blah blah. I have tried to explain friendships dont happen overnight and she was not keen on some the kids that became her closest friends by the end of her prep school and that may be the case at her new school but she isn't having any of it.

She is normally such a bright happy go lucky, open perceptive and postive girl its quite a shock to see her like this. Sullen is just not her - but she is just that right now.

She has cried alot today and spent the day attached to her mobile and facebook, sharing pics of their recent leavers trip and events etc etc.

Please someone who has been here before - who knows how hard this is tell me it will be OK. It has been (even for me) a very emotional week and I am now sat here in tears (DD in bed). Am so worried about DD and September. To make matters worse DH is about to deploy for 7 months so I will be coping with this alone.

Please can some one talk me through this - someone must have been here before.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/07/2012 21:24

As much as I would a fair and equal society it will never happen in the economy we have in this country - we will constantly boom and bust.

Let's face it so many people who would never send their children to a private school are quite happy to move to a "better" area so their dc go to a "better" state school...

Sittinginthesun · 14/07/2012 21:32

Krumbum - this thread has nothing to do with the pros and cons of boarding schools. The OP is after some advice about a specific question. Why look for a fight?

happygardening · 14/07/2012 22:10

Krumbum some parents send their children to boarding school because they know believe that the education and opportunities that their DC's will receive will be far better than that they can ever receive in any day school. They do this becasue they love their children not because they want to get rid of them. There are children in many of the big name schools on bursaries up to 100% but for the majority their parents are paying the full whack currently £30 -34 000 PA but this is their money and they are entitled to spend it how they like. They are not asking you to contribute towards it so it has nothing to do with you.

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 22:21

It has have something to do with me when it affects everyone in the country. Private schooling keeps wealthy people in power and keeps poor people poor. If we did not have private schooling then our state system would be much better, the people with power and money would have a vested interest in improving it if it affected them too.
Boarding school is even worse. If you cba to look after your kids then at Least let them be fostered so they can be cared for properly.
I'm not looking for a fight, I don't like seeing people do things that are detrimental to many other people.

RandomMess · 14/07/2012 22:23

Do you really think the people with power and money would choose to live in the poor areas and said their children to the local state school?

Nope we would just end up with ghettos.

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 22:34

But all education would be improved if more money were in it. We could bring schools up to a much better standard for all.

seeker · 14/07/2012 22:38

Why is it different to leaving any other school? My ds is very sad about leaving his state primary school- do prp school children have finer feelings, or something? Grin

WocketInMyPocket · 14/07/2012 22:39

Don't rise to it folks, just ignore Krumbum and carry on with the discussion. Smile

RandomMess · 14/07/2012 22:42

DD3 is devasted that her best friend is leaving her primary in the summer, they are YR4, her first best friend left the school at the end of Y2 Sad

Both girls have sobbed and cried, at least they aren't moving house and her Mum is as keen to support the friendship in the future.

It's so hard losing friends and starting over, lots of cuddles and having them over to stay whilst they all make new friendships.

exoticfruits · 14/07/2012 22:47

Krumbum obviously has no understanding of trying to get stability for a child when you are having to move all the time.
It is very natural for any child who is moving on - a bit like a bereavement - it will pass. Some DCs find change very difficult.

seeker · 14/07/2012 22:48

I don't actually think that this is an appropriate thread for a public/private debate- but I am genuinely puzzled by the thought that leaving all your friends and move in to a new school is any different for q prep school child. And if it isn't, why does the thread title suggest that it is. Loads of us have children leaving primary this year and finding it hard.

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 22:49

It's ok there's only thousands of people dying on the nhs, mass unemployment and children not getting food or clothes because their parents benefits are being cut. But that's alright cos rich people can send their kids to private school. And live a life of luxury, rip the poor of money, underpay billions in tax and then pass the wealth, privilege and power onto their kids..
Wocket I THINK, think people can decide for themselves if they want to talk to me.
Some things are more important than your own selfish wants and whims.

Gumby · 14/07/2012 22:56

Seeker - maybe because boarding school is more like family
And the op says her dd 's friends are going worldwide

Most yr 6's can still see their friends
The op's dd can't

exoticfruits · 14/07/2012 22:59

As I thought - no understanding at all Krumbum.

Boarding school is bound to be worse - friends can't be called for next week.

WocketInMyPocket · 14/07/2012 22:59

And here I am getting drawn into the debate and not taking my own advice!

The OP is clearly upset and asked us for help and advice. Making negative comments about boarding/private schools has probably made her feel worse. I despair of MN sometimes!

OP I don't have DCs at boarding school but I did go to one myself, and I remember that friendships were very intense as you are living with your friends 24/7. It is only natural that this will be difficult for her, but I promise it will be quickly forgotten as soon as she makes friends at the new school x

ItsjustSue · 14/07/2012 23:03

Krumbum - why are you determined to hijack this thread??

You are of course entitled to your opinion and if you are so keen ti get your point across and debate yourn points why not start your own thread. I am sure you get a roaring response as you arew right that private education is an emotive subject.

seeker - I dont think its prep kids that feel it anymore than any other kids but boarders do get very very close. Alot closer to each other than day kids whether at prep school or a state school. Most of the kids tend to move on to individual schools - mostly boarding schools spread far and wide over the country and the likelihood of seeing some of their friends EVER again is probably very slim. They dont all move onto the same 2 or 3 schools. They are not likely to bump into these people on Saturday in town. Even with the best will in the world, different schools, distances and different holidays make it very hard.

OP my son has recently just finished at his boarding prep too and I too have a very sad and down in the dumps lad for company just now. I am hoping his cousins coming to stay next week will lift his spirits somewhat. He has not spoken much of his next school to me either despite me mentioning it. I know some of the children were in floods on the last day. I am sure she will perk up. Its very early days for her. Be kind and take her out for a treat and give her other neutral non old school or non new school things to think about.

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 23:10

I was trying to give the op some advice, I'm sure things would be much better if she had her child living with her and sent her to a day school.

Odmedod · 14/07/2012 23:21

Krumbum- the child boards because the parents are military. The government pays for forces children to board, to provide them with stability.

You would also be shocked to find that some children in care (that you seem to think is so wonderful!) actually board at school too.

Colleger · 14/07/2012 23:41

Kraut brim, do you think there would be more money in the pot to deal with the nhs, mass unemployment etc if everyone went to state school?! Hmm

Colleger · 14/07/2012 23:41

Kraut brim - darn spellchecker! ROFL

kickingKcurlyC · 14/07/2012 23:50

If I'd left all my close friends and my routine, with little chance of seeing these people, who I cared about and relied on for support, again for the foreseeable future... I'd want to grieve and be grumpy for a bit.
I would not feel like being optimistic and perky about the wonderful new friends I might meet later.
It's less than a week you said!

It is natural for your daughter to be sad OP. Let her be sad for a bit.

DilysPrice · 15/07/2012 00:17

Agree with kicking - listen to her feelings, let her express them, resist the temptation to minimise them (you don't sound like you are being dismissive, but stay focussed and keep resisting the temptation, which can be quite strong).

happygardening · 15/07/2012 00:23

Children at boarding school obvioulsy form very close friendships with their fellow boarders you dont need a degree in child psychology to work that one out just understanding of children and a modicum of common sense ! As one child once said its my family not a conventional family but it is a family. To live in close conatct with the same friends 24 hours a day for 31 weeks of the year going through all the ups and downs of school and life means that friendships formed are often very strong. Also unlike day children when at their real homes there is often significant distances between friends. Any child changing schools is also bound to be aprehensive again completely normal plenty of adults dont like change so its not unreasonable for a child whether they've boarded or not to feel the same.
Krumbum I'm trying to ignore your irritating and predudiced comments but they show just how ignorant you are in particular

"If you cba to look after your kids then at Least let them be fostered so they can be cared for properly." how rude you if I said you cant cba to earn enough money to pay for your children to attend a boarding school and recieve a superior education you would be justifiably fuming and reel off and whole list of reasons why 1. you wouldn't do it and 2. you couldn't do it. You know nothing about why any of us who choose to send our children to baording school but I know one doing it because they cba. We are not in an occupation that send us abroad or even have a crap secondary school on our door step quite the opposite in fact but we are a hard working couple although not " live a life of luxury, rip the poor of money, underpay billions in tax" by any stretch of the imagination but we are lucky enough to be able to send our DS to a boarding school we do it for one reason the education he receives is better than that he could ever receive in the state sector in a million years. Yes its a shame that all children dont receive what he receives but thats life my putting him into a state school would not make a scrap of difference to any other the children. Am I selfish in wanting my DS to recieve this education maybe if by wanting your child to receive the best that education can offer then yes I'm selfish.

manicinsomniac · 15/07/2012 01:10

Seeker, I think it's harder for Prep school children because of a) distance from each other, b) future school diversity and c) for full boarders, they are more like siblings than just friends.

The leavers from the school where I work range from living a 2 minute walk down the drive to living in Kenya. Most of them will be within a hour's drive of each other but that's not that close when you can't transport yourselves and have busy parents. They are going to 18 different Senior schools (only 50 children) and 15 of the 50 have been full boarders for at least a year.

I do think it's easier to leave your local primary (at least if you are staying living locally and going on to a local school)

I think your daughter will be fine though OP. Our top year (girls anyway, not boys so much) were emotional wrecks yesterday and today. But they have facebook and their phones and they will make new friends quickly. She just needs time.

Krumbum · 15/07/2012 01:22

Happygardening. Not being looked after by your family is much more detrimental. It isn't better to be in boarding school. It just means your parents dont have to do any childcare. And yes it is selfish, but your fine with that.
Being wealthy doesn't make you more hardworking Hmm
You can say it won't make any difference but if everyone cared enough not to do it then it would...
Prejudice lol.