Calling any mums who have been through the trauma of DC leaving their much loved boarding prep - help!

[SoggySummer]

13yo DD left her much loved boarding prep school earlier this week.

As expected there were many tears amongst her and her friends on the final day.

Yesterday she went to sleepover leaving party and came home this morning. So probably is very tired as well.

Just after tea she was sullen and rude about something to do with her new senior school. I was sympathetic and as supportive as I could be as I suppose its understandable as she is so down about leaving her prep school.

The harsh reality is that because her prep was a full boarding school the pupils came from far and wide and some are unlikely to ever see each other again.

She is the only one from her prep going onto her next school but thats the case for most of her friends. She is being so negative about her next school its worrying me. Obviously this is day 1 and leaving her prep is still raw for her but she is worrying me because she is being so rude about her next school and saying the friends wont be the same (which they wont be initially), the school cant offer any more as her prep did everything blah blah blah. I have tried to explain friendships dont happen overnight and she was not keen on some the kids that became her closest friends by the end of her prep school and that may be the case at her new school but she isn't having any of it.

She is normally such a bright happy go lucky, open perceptive and postive girl its quite a shock to see her like this. Sullen is just not her - but she is just that right now.

She has cried alot today and spent the day attached to her mobile and facebook, sharing pics of their recent leavers trip and events etc etc.

Please someone who has been here before - who knows how hard this is tell me it will be OK. It has been (even for me) a very emotional week and I am now sat here in tears (DD in bed). Am so worried about DD and September. To make matters worse DH is about to deploy for 7 months so I will be coping with this alone.

Please can some one talk me through this - someone must have been here before.

"Not being looked after by your family is much more detrimental. It isn't better to be in boarding school" as a very loving caring parent if I remotely thought being at boarding school was having a detrimental effect on my DS then I remove him. As would all the other people I know who send their children to boarding school. I'm sorry Krumbum to disappoint you all the parents we know with children at boarding school are not callous cold austere parents looking for easy childcare options they are often making huge sacrifices for this education, are exceedingly close to their children and unlike many with children in day schools dont moan about long holidays with their children at home. There are also plenty of cheaper ways of finding childcare than stumping up £34 000 PA.
No being wealthy doesn't make you more hard working but we are hard working as are many and we are lucky that this hard work enables us to have the money to pay for an edcuation which as I've repeatedly said I think is better. I have no desire for my DS to be in a position of power or even for that matter earn a fortune I just want him to recieve an intellectually stimulating broad education in an envioronment where he feels free to be himself.

Krumbum - how old are you? Because if you are over 16 or 17 it seems your thinking has stuck at 6th form debating level.

Krumbum, this is not a debate about boarding schoools.
I wish that you could meet 2 adult friends of mine who had a very fractured childhood, they had parents in the military and they moved every 2 or 3 years and went to umpteen schools One has difficulty with maintaining relationships because there was no point in getting close, it was going to be all change and the other had problems with school work because it was so disruptive. In comparison I have 2 other lots of friends who settled their DCs into boarding school once they were 9 or 10yrs, nearby, and then they stayed when they moved. Those DCs are now adults and did well at school and are emotionally stable and very close to their parents.
Everyone is different and their circumstances are very different. I think that we now know that you don't approve of boarding, but since OP is already doing it I can't see how it helps.

Ignoring the whole boarding /private school thing going on, my DD is 13 and going to upper school. There's been transfer days this week and even some of the most confident are struggling. Our lot will see each other again so much easier for them. I was emotionally drained and in tears a couple of times last week which is very unusual for me (DD had three days at new school but only lasted an hour on the third day). It must be so much harder for the girls themselves and 13 is that age when they are so much more self conscious and full of self doubt and have been living with your friends .

I think I would try to meet up with the girl she's going to know, but later in the holidays. Also try to keep old friendships going throughout the summer as best as possible, a sort of two pronged approach. I'd also try to set up something in the winter holidays with some of her current friend so she has something to look forward to beyond starting new school.

Skype is the answer.

Kerry, interested in what you mean by that?

Hi OP, these children have been through so much together, it's normal for them to feel this is the end of an era, they are all very aware of this, along with anxiety over their new school. At this stage it is all very raw.

Imo, the prep school sometimes make such a big deal over the final weeks, last trip, last this, last that + final speach day + leavers ball, goobye walk, etc. that it becomes a long, drawn out "mourning" process, and when they are finally out for good, the first days are hard. They are so tired, physically and emotionally.
(Personally at some point over the very last evening as was aghast at how much mooching was left to go on and on, it seemed a bit unhealthy and indulgent; they were lucky to love their prep s and to move on to the next carefully chosen very good senior school.)

For mine, just hours after the leavers ball there was a FB leavers group set up by a leaver and it did help, to vent about all that was gone, and over the summer, move on to the next phase - cautious excitement for their senior school. Within weeks, as was well again. Your DD will be ok soon.

They need to feel supported, and go through this phase gently, with our love. Perhaps it is too early yet to talk about the senior school?
One year on they all keep in touch as they probably mostly will for a long time and for some of them for ever, and all have made new friends of course.

Reading your post have reminded me of all those mixed emotions, brrr...
Have a good summer!

Krumbum maybe it was your crass insensitivity towards a worried mum that made Kerry this that you must be very immature only 16 or 17!

Ignoring krumbum.

OP I guess what you are going through is entirely normal. Borders must be virtually welded together emotionally- like siblings or twins. I would also imaging that 13 is THE worst age for all this hormonally!

Even in a big city, with some degree of choice re schools we have wibbles at the secondary transition -the only girl DD2 moved to secondary with was a child she didn't like- so it's not an exceptionally " cruel" situation the OPs DD is in as the lovely Krum seems to imply.

THe Op has made a decision that is the right one for her family.

OP it'll be fine but it's just such a huge transition.

Wow!!! Lots of replies and support.

I am actually rather shocked at my own (rather sad) reaction to DD leaving her school. So it must be blummin awful for her.

We have had a relatively busy weekend and she does seem to have perked up alot since Friday night although I expect she will be up and down for a while yet. She is still attached to FB and intouch with her friends via that.

Thank you to whoever suggested Skype - I need to get it up and running again soon anyway with DH going away - so will get on and do that now.

I think I was exhausted and (inwardly) emotional myself when I posted this thread initially and rather taken back by the emotion of it all at DDs level as well as my own.

I have taken on board all your thoughts and suggestions which I will try to follow over the coming weeks.

Random Mess - Thats such a sad story but thank you for sharing it. DD has boarded with one girl in a similar situation and I know of another at different school who has financial assistance from a charity in order for her to to go to BS because of sad reasons too.

It is a huge transition but the good thing about the system the OP DD is in is that they change schools at yr 9 when they are more mature and thus find the independence required at senior schools not so traumatic. IMO this is particularly suitable for boys who seem to mature later.
I work at boarding schools and DS2 attends one without a doubt those who have boarded at prep definitely are in a much stronger position when they change to senior schools the children who struggle in the first couple of terms in nearly all cases have not boarded at prep.
OP this time next year you will have forgotten all about your DD's anxieties as will she.

Krumbum your response is really unpleasant and tactless. The OP's child was already boarding and happily so. The OP's misgiving is nothing to do with whether or not her DD should board, but about the transition between two different boarding schools.

You have no idea what the OP's circumstances are and were not asked to judge them. The Op wanted support about the transition to a new school. All our DC have that at some time. This is common ground among parents whether DC board or go to day school.

I really do appreciate the common sense (bar the odd exception) and support on here this weekend. I may well be back for more hand holding soon as its looking more like DH will be away sooner than we thought.

HappyGardening - you are right. I hopefully will have forgotten all about this stress and axiety by this time next year. I know when DD first started boarding I was in a similar state and now (with the exception of her leaving) have no worries at all.

Just like any mum - seeing your DC so upset about anything tugs at your heart strings and she is just such a positive girl most of the time its a really stark difference. Her mood has lifted somewhat over the weekend and her company has been an absolute pleasure. Am getting all soppy now .

I think for me personally I am stressed out about the new school protocols and contacts etc. At her prep I am so familiar with all the staff, i know their numbers, emails etc. I know who to contact when in any situation. I wont at the new school. Oh I know they give you a list etc but its the familiarity that I will miss initially.

We will enjoy the summer first though - still 7 weeks to go.

OP by its nature you'll have less contact with your DD at senior school. Where as at prep parents are frequently pitching up to watch matches chat at after match teas watch little concerts etc at senior school you are less involved. We have only been to the school about 6 times this year and I've barely spoken to either his HM or matrin. If my DS has a problem his first port if call is his HM who resolves things without necessarily calling us. We also have less exeats and he's too busy having a fab time to ring sometimes we don't speak although we do txt for 10-12 days. As Ive said this is a new phase in their lives and we have to accept that they are growing up and we should be prohating them and pleased that they are in such fortunate positions to have not only a loving family but friends and dedicated school staff around them. This is a truely life enhancing experience.

Meant to say we should be proud of them!

Krum - because of that naive assumption that if we clobber the 'rich' - and don't we all hate 'em - it will bring in Utopia. Full employment, super hospitals, sparkling schools. The brotherhood of mankind etc etc... An attitude usually grown out of by the time a person is too old to sell Socialist Worker on the streets

OP I am so glad you've had lots of support on this thread, it must be a difficult transition for your DD. Only having a 6 year old I've not been through this yet but a very close friend has a dd going from her primary to a grammar and she's the only one from her school going and is experiencing similar worries. I don't know if this is feasible because of the geographical problems but friends dd has just received a lovely invite forwarded by the school to a "meet up party" for her class at one of the other girls houses during last week in August. Is that something you could consider organising if school would help you? I know friend's DD is really excited about it. Sorry if its a rubbish idea or just impossible because of way everyone is spread out.

I am sure it will work out for your DD. My cousins DD went to senior boarding school (on a large scholarship and bursary) from a state day school so it was a huge change for her but its working really well and she said the school had loads of settling in activites and there was always either an older girl or a member of staff to talk to if things go difficult

Not all socialist are kids. There's a hell of a lot of people that havn't become selfish and complacent with age..

such a difficult age...I am sure she will be fine in a couple of weeks.
if one or two of her best friends dont live toooo far away, perhaps you could arrange something in the hols.

ignore crumbum 100 %

crumb bum if you want to start your own thread about the merits of private/state, day/boarding, go ahead,but you are being unkind and unfair to OP of whose circumstances you know nothing. I would love my teenagers to have the stability and routine of boarding school.

I'm only still on this thread because people keep asking me questions. Therefore not ignoring me
It is important to question if things you choose do affect wider society negatively. I also do think it's wrong that if poor people put their kids into foster care just on a whim there would be uproar but when wealthy people pay someone to take their kids off their hands well then that's Just them exercising their 'rights'.

Klaritif. Why don't you do it then? Is it lack of money? Because that iher acutely the problem; It is not right that rich people can pay their way to a better education. Education should be equal for everyone, obviously.

Ok I'm "selfish and complacent with age" but even if I was a rabid socialist it wouldn't make a jot of difference to our hospitals schools or and other aspect of our society. There is no evidence that socialism produces any more equal opportunities than capitalism to quote the immortal phrase "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"!!

yes,lack of money, but hey, that's life!
welcome to the real world.
you know that military families have boarding paid for? to give the kids some stability?
have you not heard of state boarding schools?

Krumbum you can bash the wealthy all you like they are never in a milllion years going to send Caspar to the local comp or contribute a penny towards it.