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Original poster

Help please - private pre-prep took me completely by surprise today

110 replies

Lifeislikeaboxofchocolates · 25/01/2012 18:31

My DS (later half of the year birthday) has been at a private pre-prep nursery since September. I went in to discuss another issue and the nursery teacher told me that they think that he is not going to be ready to go into reception and that we should think about deferring for a year.

My concern about this is the knock on consequences for him as he goes through the education system as he is also extremely bright (eg they are learning 1 to 9 at the moment in nursery - my DS knew these numbers a long time ago - would it really be the best thing to learn them again this time next year? I completely appreciate that they need him to be at a certain level socially for reception and it is fair to say that he is behind on the social skills side more than some of the other boys - but I am not sure that keeping him back is the answer. A bit of a ramble - I am just shocked by this - can I have your thoughts?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 26/01/2012 21:58

Why not ask for half and half - keep him in the lower class for half the year, with the view to moving him up in the second half of the year, so next March 2013 letting him tgo to the upper class in the afternoons to get used to this, then move up gradually until the end of the summer. He will catch up as he is bright and younger at the moment - but in a years time a lot will have changed and the gap between him and his peers will be less.

BandOMothers · 26/01/2012 22:02

It sounds like a bad school...do they give you no choice? Your DS sounds fnie to me...like my own DD who was similar at pre prep. He should be able to move on and if he doesn't and you decide later to move him to state education, he will have to join the "correct" class...thus he will be behind. You need to think carefully about his future.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 26/01/2012 22:12

`TBH you have 2 terms before he goes up - kids change so quickly at that age - this is a really premature conversation!

My DS is at a private - reception year. He was not ready for school at all and then 3 months before he started he suddenly was and he has loved every minute.

He didn't know any letter sounds when he started and had no interest in reading and now he is reading basic stories to himself.

To me, this is the point where you have the 'he isn't ready so what are we going to do about it?' conversation.

mummytime · 27/01/2012 07:43

Go and talk to the prep school you want him to go to, ask to speak to the head and as his/her advice. I know out local private schools will give you advice "off the record", an prefer some pre-preps or even a spell in state schools to others. They are also the only ones who can advise ou if they would take your son "out of year", or how they would handle him out of year.

Colleger · 27/01/2012 08:03

I wonder if he was put in formal schooling too early. Even if he is bright some children need to be at home or in a very unstructured nursery until reception. He may be suffering from mild stress.

I would not hold a bright child back though. In the long term it could affect future schooling options, university admissions and the assumption he is thick.

redridingwolf · 27/01/2012 08:30

Yes, I agree, talk to the prep school. Private schools aren't restricted by age like state schools. You may find that it is completely normal.

Complete rubbish to suggest that university admissions etc. would think 'he's thick'. No-one will pay the least bit of attention. I can think of two male friends of my age who were a year back at school. Both have excellent degrees, good jobs, and, crucially, were very successful at school. Also very socially successful (esp with the girls!) because they were more mature.

I can also think of a few men who were at university with me and were young for their year. They really suffered socially, being not quite as mature as the others, and it did mean they didn't have a happy time.

I am in the opposite camp to you. I talked to the pre-prep about holding DS2 back a year since he is a summer birthday and I want him to be confident in his class. The teachers said they didn't advise it, since he was very socially adept and also there are several summer-born boys in the class, so he won't stand out.

But, they also made the point that it's up to me to choose. Your pre-prep should be saying the same thing. But I would listen to their advice carefully, since they have the experience.

Colleger · 27/01/2012 09:19

I was talking about future schools, not uni. It may preclude him from entry to grammar or selective independents. Before you tell me I'm rubbish I know of three current cases where this is going on.

seeker · 27/01/2012 09:28

Presumably the child concerned would have caught up by 11+ or CE time?

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 27/01/2012 10:00

I agree with Colleger - one of my DS's best friends was kept back a year. Their current prep was fine with it but now he is looking at senior schools he has a very limited choice as most will not take anyone who is a year behind. We are in Surrey.

He is very bright, in top set for everything, but most of the most academic seniors will not take him solely because he was held back a year.

Really think hard about this, OP. I think it is much too early to be talking about holding him back. He is so young and many of his contemporaries will be exactly the same. He could be a completely different child in a few months.

Original poster
Lifeislikeaboxofchocolates · 27/01/2012 10:00

Seeker - the issue is though we were planning on sending ds to a different prep school at 7.

OP posts:
Heswall · 27/01/2012 10:05

I would keep him out of private until 7, really it wont make any difference I genuinely regret paying for them to play in the sand pit.

itsonlyyearfour · 27/01/2012 10:30

It's true that some children are not ready for nursery.

When we sent my DS2 to nursery aged 2 and a half, he was terrible, he bit all the children, we was aggressive, he refused to sit or eat with the other children, refused to share, he hid under tables, he was a plain nightmare. Yet at home he was nearly angelic, I didn't believe them initially, especially about the biting as he had never bit anyone at home and he is one of four!

So after 2 months of this I realised he was just not ready, I took him out for 3 months, we went on a long holiday, he spent some time with my parents and different environment, anyway, we tried again in the September when he was nearly 3 and he was a different child altogether. Everyone at the nursery commented that he was a completely different child, content, sociable, etc and he's been totally fine since.

I think you just need to give him time.

SardineQueen · 27/01/2012 10:51

What made you choose this nursery?

Original poster
Lifeislikeaboxofchocolates · 27/01/2012 11:16

SardineQueen - it is the one attached to the pre-prep he is going to attend. I thought that the transition would be easier to school. Also, he has always been interested in letters and numbers and I thought at the time he would enjoy a more structured environment

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 27/01/2012 11:22

I suppose I mean, what made you choose this nursery, this pre-prep, this package. Maybe it is time to have a rethink. Or is it a case of there not actually being that many pre-preps in your area, or this is the best one by miles. Just why did you choose it, and on this feedback, do you still feel the same way about it.

Original poster
Lifeislikeaboxofchocolates · 27/01/2012 11:26

I suppose gut instinct that I thought he would be happy. Not so sure now. There are a few others in the area - but they are full for reception.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 27/01/2012 11:34

I think you should go in and have a talk with them and find out exactly what is going on and take it from there.

He sounds completely normal to me and the idea that after one term they have decided he needs to be held back is just a bit difficult to understand.

redridingwolf · 27/01/2012 11:44

Colleger - you did say university admissions in your post. But I accept what you say re: schools (though am very surprised)

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 27/01/2012 12:18

Well, he sounds like a normal 3 year old to me. As for the nonsense about being slow to put on plimsolls Grin

I would ask for a meeting to discuss these issues because I would want to understand precisely why, when he won't be going into reception for another 8 months, that a decision needs to be made now?

Original poster
Lifeislikeaboxofchocolates · 27/01/2012 20:59

Thanks everyone - I am going in to see the teacher after school for a proper meeting

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 27/01/2012 21:08

Good luck!

We are here if you need us again. I hope that it all works out for your son Smile

Dozer · 28/01/2012 10:19

If his start is deferred, you could have problems later if you decide or need to switch to state school (doubt local authorities would allow DS to be in the year below his age group) and, as others have mentioned, in moving to other private schools, eg at 7 or 11.

cottonmouth · 29/01/2012 18:03

I think that British parents always want to move their children onwards and upwards at a young age. It's like collecting stickers.

In the USA, it is very normal for children to be 'held back' and spend an extra year in preschool, particularly late born boys. In some school districts it would be very unusual to see summer born boys in their chronological grade.

I think the preschool teacher is either being very astute, brave or political.

If she truly thinks your DS is too young for reception, she is really sticking her neck out, but presumably because she really cares about your DS. On the other hand, she may be filling you with gloom now, only for the school to add tremendous value over the next two terms and get your DS up to speed.

If you want your DS to move up, then that is final, but the school is showing you support in holding him back if that is what you want.

Any decision on this should take place at a formal meeting, with teacher, head of school, SENCO, both parents, and any advocate that you would like to have.

AWimbaWay · 30/01/2012 09:42

cottonmouth, I'd have been more than happy for my ds to be kept back a year, if he was then going to allowed to stay back a year. Unfortunately that's not how the English system works. If I'd waited to send him until he was 5, at which point they legally need to start education, he would have to go straight into year one without that important transitional reception year at all.

Highlander · 30/01/2012 12:06

DS1 is a September birthday, so I guess he's had the extra year in nursery that you are worried about your DS having.

The social skills that DS1 had on entering school put him (and the other autumn birthdays) streets ahead of the summer borns.

Children have to be pretty self-sufficinet when they enter school as the number of staff is so much lower. They need the social skills to speak up for themselves if something is wrong and also the cognitive skills to understand why they need to go with the flow in the classroom. 4 year olds can still be a bit baby-ish and need more attention; especially boys.

Personally, if I had a late spring/summer born, I wouldn't hesitate to give them an extra year of nursery. The UK is utterly obsessessed with pushing young children into formal education.