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Original poster

State or Private/Public - is it asking for them not to fit in?

83 replies

diggityhiggity · 25/10/2011 00:00

Okay this doesn't apply until next year really but talking to some people over the weekend got me thinking.

We will shortly have 4 DCs.

Dh comes from a very posh background and went to even posher schools (posh as in Public school not even private). While I went to your normal inner city comp and grew up on an estate.

I always figured that DCs would go to state schools - we live close enough to an alright/good one and it also never did me any harm (think my old school was classed as 'failing')

But something this friend said got me thinking.

We move in a very posh circle - both socially and DHs work and in local area. And a more 'normal' one from me but not as much as live on different side of city etc.

Anyway with all that stuff is it 'mean' to send our DCs to a normal state school - is it asking for them to struggle. (we may live in catchment but very few of the people on our side take it up)

?

OP posts:
sleepingbunny · 26/10/2011 20:33

Well, if fees are no object then I agree with stealthsquiggle - how wonderful to be able to judge each school on its merits, rather than on whether you have to pay or not. i guess the trick is to be openminded about all choices...you might be surprised by what you find.

IndieSkies · 27/10/2011 11:34

I think the 'concern' your friends are expressing is the well trod path of PARENTS bridling at anyone else's choices. Just as some parents whose DC go to state schools see fee-paying parents as inherently critical of their own choice or school (if there is no choice about it), so do fee paying parents feel defensive, or that someone is 'breaking ranks' - or that by opting for state education you may well harbour feelings that they are snobby or something.

You're in a very good position, so use it well and make up your own mind. Personally I would rather make a decision about the school on it's own merits than on whether I thought my child needed to be kept in a certain social group. I hope my child will have the confidence to flourish in a wide variety of social groups. The children of the non-rich are not a different species!

RosemaryandThyme · 27/10/2011 15:12

Definately book your children into the very finest private school you can.

Not because they would struggle to fit in mixing between state school and posh friends, but because you owe it to your husbands parents.

They flogged away to get him an excellent education, to lift him from the mire of the masses, and he in turn stuck with the system, worked to get his exams and now earns the mega-bucks many of us would dream of.

Why on earth would you then fall back to the state system - pop Educating Essex on iplayer now - you'll be filling in that Eton application faster then you can say potarta!

ElaineReese · 27/10/2011 18:15

'the mire of the masses'. Nice.

QTPie · 27/10/2011 18:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

basildonbond · 27/10/2011 19:27

It completely depends on your potential schools

I was teased all through primary school for being 'posh' which basically meant speaking with RP, reading, being 'clever', having different experiences from a lot of the other kids (i.e. not going on package holidays to Spain because Franco was still in power and my family was boycotting a Fascist dictatorship - try explaining that to a class of 7 year olds Wink). It didn't make me miserable but there was very much a culture of 'them' and 'us' with the few middle-class kids sticking together. It was an enormous relief when I went to an academically selective girls' school - in the days of 100% scholarships, phew - and I no longer stuck out.

However, my dcs have all spent some time at our local state school which is much more genuinely mixed and have had a very different experience

DrNortherner · 27/10/2011 19:29

Do your kids waltz around in barbour jackets and riding boots saying 'jolly hockey sticks'?

If not, I reckon you'll be OK.

happygardening · 27/10/2011 19:35

There is a danger of this posting turning into private versus state ed. debate done to death a few weeks ago. Ultimately when the independent sector does it really well it will always be better than what state ed can offer. But that doesn't mean it's right for children and contrary to what many think does not make your child a cert for Oxbridge. Others are right look at everything not with preconceived ideas but with an open mind decide what you want from education and try and find a school that is right for you and your children.

racingheart · 27/10/2011 19:55

Surely only one thing matters. You visit all schools within your reach until you find one or two where you instinctively feel your children will thrive, be they public, private or state. You just know. Other people's opinions have zilch to do with your children and everything to do with their own experiences, desires and preconceptions.

meditrina · 27/10/2011 19:59

If it's a truly grand, rather than just a monied family, there will be a school where all the boys have been sent during the last 2-3 centuries.

You may find their names are already down.

Where does your DH want them to go?

EssentialFattyAcid · 27/10/2011 20:06

If you can really afford to send 4 dc to public schools then you will indeed be abnormally rich for a parent at a state school. This may or may not create problems depending a lot on how you behave and how your dc behave.

Original poster
diggityhiggity · 27/10/2011 20:38

DrNortherner no they definatly do not :P I would shot them before that happened.

meditrina Don't get me started on already having their names down (I have had many and argument on that topic with IL) at the 'school'
DH i think part would like them to go to his old school (and his dads and gdand so on) but equally would like them not to board (definatly not happening) and be closer and yet realises that it never did me any harm.

Okay - thanks go look at all the schools, got it.

OP posts:
happygardening · 27/10/2011 20:54

The most famous school Eton is now selective you can put you sons name down any time up until 6 months before their tenth birthday and many Old Etonians are unable to get their sons into it.

Original poster
diggityhiggity · 27/10/2011 20:56

obviously there are two 'old family schools' one for the girls and one for boys. So DH would artly want girls to go to his sisters and mums old school. and boys his.

OP posts:
ElaineReese · 28/10/2011 10:11

You warn everybody off trying to debate state/private, Happygardening, and then you just come out with stuff like this: Ultimately when the independent sector does it really well it will always be better than what state ed can offer.

Hmm.

brokenwingedflier · 28/10/2011 10:35

This is an interesting dilemna. My parents (appear to have) budgetted (sp?) to send us all to private school, but didn't because they are left-leaning, guardian-reading, Good Life idealists. It wasn't too bad, but I was definitely picked on at school for being, 'posh', which I wasn't. My elder brother learned quickly and said bath instead of bath.

My father used to tell me that if people like him sent people like us to State School, then the whole standard would rise. At seventeen/eighteen I described this pov as, 'sacrificing my teenage years on the altar of his politics'. But it didn't kill me.

George Orwell went to Eton and he was one of the poorest there, and was teased about it. He would have advised you not to allow your children to be the, 'poorest' in his school. And I am happy with the 'local' school; it is a lot better than the, 'local' school that I attended.

We considered private education but rejected it partly on the grounds of George Orwell.

Annoyingly, we all did very well academically and therefore proved my parents right.

@Pag, I have met many, many people who would be horrified at the idea of state schooling. 'They are so brave, they even sent the children to the local school' type of thing

I'll read the whole thread now, but I think that my parents probably did it the right way round. They gave all of us deposits for our houses! From the private school fund.

brokenwingedflier · 28/10/2011 10:42

@Pag, I have been introduced to people as someone who managed to survive the 'local' school. And received looks of startled admiration. The sort of people who would sell a kidney to pay school fees.

Op, I am thinking of a couple of families who sent their children to the 'local' primary but 'had' to sell the house to send them to a relatively cheap private school for fear of being bullied. The parents are now penniless.

Interesting dilemna.

twinklytroll · 28/10/2011 11:28

I am about as far removed from posh as you can get , however even I know people who shudder in horror at he thought of sending their children to state schools .

I also question some definitions of posh on here, being posh is not having a profession but having a shed load of land that you have owned for centuries .

twinklytroll · 28/10/2011 11:28

And / or a title

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/10/2011 12:26

Elaine I think Happygardening is right (I believe she has children in state and private schools BTW).

State schools cannot compete with the resources available to some private schools. Eton has an Olympic rowing lake, St Pauls has raised £77m so far for its redevelopment, Merchant Taylors has 250 acres of grounds including 50+ acres of sporting facilities. On top of which all of these schools get very good academic results, at Westminster more than 50% of students got an A at A2 level (81.7% of GCSE's were A).

sleepingbunny · 28/10/2011 12:40

twinklytroll, I think many people define posh as "a step or two up from where I see myself" in terms of either class or cash
So while it can mean shedloads of land and a title, it can also mean owns a three bedroom house, or reads a broadsheet newspaper. It's all relative.

ElaineReese · 28/10/2011 13:13

Chaz, I guess it depends on your criteria and what you want though. And yes - you will get better results where you only take bright children. Stands to reason, dunnit.

newgirl · 28/10/2011 13:28

We could afford to send our girls to private but our local state is better IMO. It's funkier yet still has great results. The families I know going private do not make me wish mine were going - it's often the shyer children who need lots of support. Each to their own of course but a great state is definitely a great option.

Bue · 28/10/2011 13:56

"We considered private education but rejected it partly on the grounds of George Orwell."

Interesting, this is not my experience of public school at all. Certainly at the school where DH teaches and I tutor, money has very little to do with how children are perceived. There are some very 'cool' kids who are on full scholarship, from quite rough backgrounds.

OP, agree it's all about the schools you are considering. In some your kids will fit in just fine, in others perhaps not. Best to look at all options.

IndieSkies · 28/10/2011 15:37

"Ultimately when the independent sector does it really well it will always be better than what state ed can offer. "

Having experienced the best of both, I disagree. The best independent sector left me with some very damaging holes in my awareness and experience, and no better exam results than my state educated brother and sister.

You can't generalise about anything.

Especially when wishing, apparantly, to shut the debate up.