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Original poster

State or Private/Public - is it asking for them not to fit in?

83 replies

diggityhiggity · 25/10/2011 00:00

Okay this doesn't apply until next year really but talking to some people over the weekend got me thinking.

We will shortly have 4 DCs.

Dh comes from a very posh background and went to even posher schools (posh as in Public school not even private). While I went to your normal inner city comp and grew up on an estate.

I always figured that DCs would go to state schools - we live close enough to an alright/good one and it also never did me any harm (think my old school was classed as 'failing')

But something this friend said got me thinking.

We move in a very posh circle - both socially and DHs work and in local area. And a more 'normal' one from me but not as much as live on different side of city etc.

Anyway with all that stuff is it 'mean' to send our DCs to a normal state school - is it asking for them to struggle. (we may live in catchment but very few of the people on our side take it up)

?

OP posts:
MollieO · 25/10/2011 10:06

Pagwatch do you know me? Grin

Cortina · 25/10/2011 11:57

Go with your instinct. One of my schools was very much 'anti-posh' so much so that the teachers would cruelly imitate & mock anyone that spoke with an RP accent etc. Birds of a feather tend to flock together and peck at the strange, different one in the corner tis sadly human nature. Putting any child in an environment where they'll stick out like a sore thumb could be high risk. Having said that as Snailoon says it depends on the school's ethos and your own belief and value systems as a family. I found - to generalise for a moment - that groups at either end of the broad class spectrum tend to be fairly tribal and can be pretty unkind to those who differ.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/10/2011 13:31

I went to two different state secondary schools one of which was your stereotypical middle of a council estate get picked on for speaking "naicely" school and the other was very middle class leafy suburbs type where you probably would have been picked on for not speaking "naicely". You can't generalise, it always depends on the individual school.

The main thing is to find a school that suits your children. I have gone down the private route with mine because I wasn't happy with the local schools e.g. lack of playing fields etc and because both of my children are summer birthdays so I felt they would benefit from smaller class sizes as they were barely 4 when they started. If we lived somewhere else next to a good primary with plenty of outdoor space then maybe our children would have been best suited by that school.

Its not a given that private schools are automatically better schools nor that a private school is always the right choice. I would weigh up your options based on the actual schools around you, what will suit your children and the financial implications.

mummytime · 25/10/2011 13:40

I love the Mitfords, and sorry but nouveau is just the word to describe some people around here (in the expensive new houses, not the big houses or the millionaire rows).
I was teased at my school for being too "posh", but then again when we got a teacher from the East end one girl commented afterwards "ain't she common?".
However as I have said my DCs school has all kids from all kinds of backgrounds (and a lot of ex-private in sixth form). My DC also mix with kids from a wide range of schools, its one of the things I really like about this town.

oohlaalaa · 25/10/2011 13:47

It is not mean to send them to state. At the end of the day, it comes down to what you can afford.

DH comes from a posher background to me. He went state. I went private. DH did very well out of the state system, and his sisters are both Doctors (way more successful than me). DH parents paid for private tutors for daughter's Chemistry A level, and made sure their children had lots of hobbies.

We're going state. We could just about afford private, but would have to scrimp and save on EVERYTHING. It would be very tight financially. We'd rather not have that pressure.

wordfactory · 25/10/2011 15:05

I know a few people wo think that DC spontaneously combust on entering state school, but i also know people who think everyone with DC at independent school are exactly the same...they are all just daft.

That said, I do like the fact that I share broad views with the parents at DC's independent school. It makes life a hell of a lot easier.

sue52 · 25/10/2011 15:16

My DD and her friends (state grammar) tend to regard girls who go to run of the mill private schools as not too bright. They think the slightly better independent (Sevenoaks and Tonbridge) school pupils are just about okay intellectually but are shocked at how much they swear and smoke. Not sure where this places DD and her friends but they probably couldn't give a stuff.

wordfactory · 25/10/2011 16:01

They sound delightful Sue.

meditrina · 25/10/2011 16:06

[The Nouveaux-Richards were also Jilly Cooper characters].

What school/s are you already embarked on, or planning for the prep years?

sleepingbunny · 25/10/2011 16:11

I think it depends what you mean by your 'posh" social circle. Posh intellectual/creative (academics, doctors, teachers, local authority types, lawyers, charity workers, media types, arty types, musicians and actors) appear to be very much in evidence at my dds state primary in the inner city. Investment bankers and the local publican (oh, and Andy Coulson) go private.

wordfactory · 25/10/2011 16:16

sleeping many of the examples you give as now using state schools have no choice these days do they?

They are the nouveau-pauvre Wink

stealthsquiggle · 25/10/2011 16:19

Of all the reasons to consider independent schools, that is not one I would focus on!!

If (and clearly that is a very big if, especially with 4 DCs) you could afford 4 lots of school fees, then why not look at all options (state and independent) and pick the best school for your child - irrespective of which that is?

Your friend is being ludicrous - it's the equivalent of thinking clothes/food/whatever must be good because it costs more. It's not always the case, by any means - and if the state school is a good one, you can bet the social mix will reflect the catchment area.

sleepingbunny · 25/10/2011 16:23

Absolutely wordfactory. It's one of the recession's more positive outcomes I reckon. While many may have no choice they sure throw themselves into improving the state system once they're in it.

Not sure I'm nouveau poor though, just a bit skint (though very naiceley spoken)

wordfactory · 25/10/2011 16:28

I think there's been a major shake up of the class system and consequently education in recent years.

So many of the traditional middel classes no longer earn enough for private school fees and are taking their chances in the state system. The independent schools in turn being forced to take parents from a less narrow range, including huge influxes of immigrant pupils.

Interesting methinks.

sleepingbunny · 25/10/2011 16:41

That's certainly the case round here - but it may not have filtered through to secondary yet. Definitely interesting.

CecilyP · 25/10/2011 19:36

How posh are your DCs? If they attend a state school, will they not become a little more common and therefore fit in just fine? I don't think 4 year olds have a concept of poshness. Also, many very posh people send their DCs to state school for early years. (Thinks David Cameron) Some then transfer to private school at about Y3.

JeanBodel · 25/10/2011 19:43

It is important to find a school where your children will fit in, and where the other parents will have broadly similar views to you in terms of behaviour, aspirations for life, support for the school and the teachers, etc.

Obviously this has nothing to do with whether the school is state/private/public.

sittinginthesun · 25/10/2011 20:02

This thread makes me smile! I live in an area where there are lots of self made rich people - nouveau indeed in many cases:)

The private preps are certainly not full of posh people. Just lots of money (or trying to show they still have lots of money, even though they don't any more). The state schools are full of everyone else, including quite a lot of posh people.

ElaineReese · 25/10/2011 20:23

JeanB: It is important to find a school where your children will fit in, and where the other parents will have broadly similar views to you in terms of behaviour, aspirations for life, support for the school and the teachers, etc.

Is it, though? I don't really know or care what all the other parents think about everything - I just know what I do, and I know when the school chimes with that and when it doesn't. Does one really have to hunt out a school where all the parents have the same values? Would that be a good thing? And is it possible?

JeanBodel · 25/10/2011 20:28

Well, maybe it's just me.

I've been to a school, and taught in some schools, where:
Less than 10% of the children go on to A-Level
The majority of parents are not supportive of education, or the school's policies on behaviour and discipline
The majority of parents do not expect their children to get a job at any point in their lives

I do care about what other parents think on these issues, and I would not be happy sending my children to a school like this.

ElaineReese · 25/10/2011 20:48

I don't think, realistically, that most parents will find a school where the majority of parents have the same outlook as them - since there are so many different outlooks one may have - without choosing a particularly rarefied kind of private school.

Original poster
diggityhiggity · 25/10/2011 22:59

Thank you all very much, you've given me a lot to think about.

Um as people asked the fees for 4 would be fine. and when i say posh i mean as in DH went to a very very well known public school the sort of posh with inheritated money

OP posts:
wordfactory · 26/10/2011 09:15

Elaine I think you can find schools where the parents at least have a broad consensus...otherwise the parents would, and do, vote with their feet.

So of the parents at my DC's schools I know that broadly they will agree with me on certain issues which matter a lot (at least to me).
Obviously we will disagree on the smaller issues, but that concerns me less.

sittinginthesun · 26/10/2011 14:33

Ahh, you mean the sort of posh where his Grandfather's school blazer will be dusted down and handed on to his first born...

Does your DH feel strongly about it either way? It doesn't matter one bit what other people think - if you are posh and go state, it is easy enough to justify it if you really want to.

We are lawyers, not posh at all, but most of DH's friends went private. We just say it was on principle and we are lucky enough to have a fantastic school with a good mixed catchment down the road.

There are lots of other things to think about - whether you like the schools, where you plan to go for secondary etc, whether you feel the schools are the right fit for your DCs...

stealthsquiggle · 26/10/2011 14:41

Well if fees for 4 would be OK EnvySmile, then I would be inclined to look at all options and choose the school you think fits each DC best (well, some compromise in the name of logistics may be required of DC2,3&4 Grin) - don't be browbeaten into either option based on your (or anyone else's) principles.