State or Private/Public - is it asking for them not to fit in?

[diggityhiggity]

Okay this doesn't apply until next year really but talking to some people over the weekend got me thinking.

We will shortly have 4 DCs.

Dh comes from a very posh background and went to even posher schools (posh as in Public school not even private). While I went to your normal inner city comp and grew up on an estate.

I always figured that DCs would go to state schools - we live close enough to an alright/good one and it also never did me any harm (think my old school was classed as 'failing')

But something this friend said got me thinking.

We move in a very posh circle - both socially and DHs work and in local area. And a more 'normal' one from me but not as much as live on different side of city etc.

Anyway with all that stuff is it 'mean' to send our DCs to a normal state school - is it asking for them to struggle. (we may live in catchment but very few of the people on our side take it up)

?

I?m puzzled.

What was it that your friend(s) said that got you thinking?

You?ve mentioned the word ?posh? no less than 4 times in just one short message. Is this what that?s worrying you - that your DC may not be attending a posh public school? Believe me, there are some superb state schools out there (grammar and comp). Never mind what your posh friends may say if you think the school is right for your kids. You (and your DH) do what you think is right for your kids and not allow your friends dictate to you.

sorry -
we were talking about kids going to school and they seemed shocked that we were planning to send DCs to state. and said that they might not fit in.

so actually worried about the opposite that their dad is posh that we live in a better off part et al and so will they be seen as the 'posh ones' at a state comp?
that got me worried. and actually thinking if it would be best for them.

From my experience in my part of town, kids and especially their parents, from state grammar schools like to behave that they are posh even when they are not. So you have no problems there if your kids do go to grammar schools.

On the other hand, the real seriously posh who go to the seriously poshest public school(s) like to behave as if they are the hard-up guys in town.

I?m even more puzzled . . .

I think that you probably need to visit the school and see what the social mix is to be able to judge whether your children would stand out or not. However it sounds as if they are some way off secondary school, so I'm not sure you need to worry right now.

Not fitting in can definitely be a problem, my dh found it hard going to a minor public school as a scholarship boy (very working class background) while I found it hard at my primary school where I was the very posh one, just because my family lived a very different life from that of everyone else. Not perhaps in the way you might expect though - the sorts of things my family didn't do that everyone else did were TV, sweets, beach holidays, which just meant I didn't have very much in common with most of the other children. No problem at infant but juniors was hard.

However I think this is only really a problem if the school is quite homogenous and your child really quite different (in any way really).

There are many reasons people of all ages might not fit in to a certain situation, and learning to deal with that is part of growing up.
I think it is better to ask "Is this a school where children can be themselves?", rather than "Is this a school where my children will fit in?".

What do you think will make your children uncomfortable about being "posh"?Maybe if you tell us specific worries we can give our thoughts on whether this is the sort of issue likely to cause problems at primary.

AT my DCs schools: junior lots go on to Private schools including quite "posh" ones; Senior actually quite a few kids come from Prep schools, and at least one has a millionaire father. Both State schools.
Also a friend of mine was told by another friend that X Prep has gone down hill, no longer full of "our kind of people" but the kids of builders etc.

What is important is finding the school that suits your children and which you can afford.

How close together are the DC in age? Will they be at school at the same time?
I could understand the question if you only had one DC but four of them will create their own little critical mass / clique / subset.

I think you are listening to the wrong people or thinking about the wrong school.
Two of my dc go to private schools. They draw their friends from a wide base, both in and outside school.
If you send them to a school where they will be isolated, not because of who they are, how nice or friendly or sociable, but because of how 'posh' they are or how much money they have, then the school is a bit shit.

And I mix in pretty 'posh' circles. I have never heard anyone be shocked at the idea of going to a state school.

Pagwitch I have heard people be "shocked" at kids going to state school but that was on a very nouveau estate (and paying what they did for houses with no land......).
Actually OP you need to realise, people come out with these kind of opinions to justify what they are doing/their choices. Even more so when: they are borrowing to pay school feels, or pay school fees out of bonuses, or can only just about pay the fees now but aren't confident about senior fees, or have interest only mortgages so they can pay the fees, or read too much of certain journalists and don't have original thoughts of their own, or ditto parents or others whose opinions they are spouting.

I think you ought to replace the word posh with the word snob we have four sets of friends who are very wealthy hereditary peers (with massive stately homes and owning half the county) and all have at some stage sent their children to state schools.

Mummytime

I guess I am lucky then. Ghastly. But then I don't know anyone who uses 'nouveau' since the mitfords died.

But thinking about it a woman who used to take her ds to dds nursery once took me to one side to laugh at a very young and scruffy couple who were having a visit with their dc and that was the last time I spoke to her. But her other dc were at state school so no idea what that proves.

People are weird.

I've learnt something today. I didn't realise that 'posh public schools' weren't private.

Ds is at prep school. Despite that I permit him to mix with children from state schools. Not too often, mind you, just in case he gets weird state school ideas.

Mummytime - but definitely yes to defending their choices.

Pagwatch I don't think the Dowager Duchess of Devonshire would thank you for saying she's dead!

God I'd love to be a Dowager.
It is licence to be massively rude isn't it.

Unless they are going to live in a bubble for the rest of their lives, your dcs will have to 'fit in' to society, regardless of how 'posh' they are. The whole point of a comp is that anyone can go, however 'fitting in' in a private school may be harder. Everyone at private school isn't 'posh', they may be loaded, but not necessarily posh. I suppose it depends what you mean by posh, do you mean Debrett's posh or just well off?

Not everyone at private/public school is loaded.

I'm a closet Dowager - I'm rude but don't have a title

Pag - you just want to be Maggie Smith

Mollie They are not all loaded, that's why I said 'may'.

I do TeamDamon. I could so be her.

One day

Sorry!

Sorry MollieO.

Rude with title = formidable grander
Rude with NO title = old bag

How old is your eldest ? If you are considering private schools now you need to get on their application lists - many may have already closed for 2012 or 2013 entry epseically if they have a nursery class which feeds Reception.