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Education

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Original poster

Did you 'settle in' your child at playgroup / preschool?

45 replies

mummylonglegs · 06/09/2005 14:41

I'm curious about what most people think about 'settling in'? My dd is nearly 3 and is starting pre-school playgroup next Monday (first time away from me) where she'll spend 2.5 hours Mon-Fri. I assumed I'd stay with her for a couple of days then leave her for a short while, then a longer while until she got used to it, and while they didn't say I couldn't they said they thought it was best if I didn't as it 'made things harder for the child' to settle.

What did you guys do? What do you think is best?

OP posts:

Earlybird · 06/09/2005 14:49

Hi mummylonglegs - I took dd to visit the school in advance of the first day. We looked around at everything, visited her classroom, and talked about it all at length. We went through exactly what would happen as far as arriving/dropping off, and picking up so she knew what to expect.

When it came time for the first day of school, the setting was familiar to her, so she wasn't as anxious/clingy. Could you arrange to do that? No matter what, suggest you get there early so she has plenty of time to settle in a relaxed manner before you leave. Good luck.

Skate · 06/09/2005 14:50

I never stayed. Maybe for 5 minutes the first day or two making sure he was safely deposited with one of the 'aunties' - this was at playgroup aged 2.

Other than that, no, I just go - that is the best way I think. A friend of mine stayed whole sessions with her little girl and never got her settled anywhere. Despite her starting school this September, she pulled her out of nursery early this year because she didn't want to go! Gonna have no choice tomorrow and I don't envy her!

turquoise · 06/09/2005 14:55

I agree - it seems hard but I think staying just prolongs the agony. Minutes after peeling sobbing limpets off limb by limb, they get involved in something and are fine. If you stay they stick to you like glue and don't really start to settle.

turquoise · 06/09/2005 15:00

Sorry, just realised that "sobbing limpets" bit was a little insensitive - I just mean that it won't be easy, I cried more than they did (once I was out of sight), but they do settle amazingly fast, and definitely better if you leave them to it.

Original poster

mummylonglegs · 06/09/2005 15:03

Ok, I think you're probably right. I'm in a bit of a situation though as I've told dd that I WILL stay with her for the first couple of days ... What should I do about that do you think?

Earlybird, I don't think I can go with her immediately beforehand as they're not reopening from summer until next Monday and that's her first day. How about if I stay with her on Monday only and remind her that it's just that one day, then leave her the next day?

OP posts:

coppertop · 06/09/2005 15:06

A lot seems to depend on the child. At ds1's pre-school the prospectus said that parents could choose whether to stay. Some children were happy just to be left. Others settled in better if the parent stayed and took short breaks away, eg in the kitchen. The idea was to reassure the child that the parent would be coming back.

With ds1 I stayed for the first session to see how he liked it. I was also worried because ds1 couldn't talk at all when he started (2yrs 9mths) and wouldn't have been able to make anyone understand if he had a problem. He was fine and didn't care at all about being left on the 2nd day.

Ds2 is due to start next week. He is able to talk/communicate and the staff already know about his SN so it's likely that I won't need to stay at all.

saadia · 06/09/2005 15:14

Ds started playgroup two mornings a week when he was three. The first time I stayed him for most but not all of the session, the second time dh stayed for the whole session and the third time we left him quickly, just saying goodbye, I'm going shopping and I'll pick you up soon. The staff said that after a few tears he started playing and was fine.

I think that if you've told dd you'll stay, then it would be better to do that as I just believe that it's always important to try and keep your word where children are involved.

bakedpotato · 06/09/2005 15:33

When DD went to Montessori last year when she was nearly 3, we talked about it lots in advance. On the first day I'd said I'd stay, but really I kept well out of it, lurking in the corner by the coats, while a member of staff took her off. She looked for me for a while, kept checking I was still there, but after a while I could see she was busy, so I crept over to her and said I was going, and I'd be back to collect her, and she was fine.

I did it like this for a few days, then said I'd be saying goodbye at the door, and when it came to it she was fine about that, too.

I think it's quite useful for the child not to get the chance to associate your presence with the school, IYKWIM. Then they won't miss you when you're not there.

kath4kids · 06/09/2005 16:07

MY dd3 started p;aygroup yesterday and after five minutes i left her, she did cry but as soon as she found something to do she was fine. Mind you there were4 of her friends from mums & tots so i guess it was like home from home.

Original poster

mummylonglegs · 06/09/2005 19:15

That's a good idea, bakedpotato, I think I'll do that as I've promised her I'll stay. I'll keep out of the way entirely and nip off when she's involved with something and come and get her later.

OP posts:

MarsLady · 06/09/2005 19:16

so far I have been lucky. I have taken them to playgroup fully expecting to stay to settle them and they have all given me dirty looks and said "Go Mummy!" Fantastic! Here's hoping that the DTs adopt the same attitude next Spring!

WigWamBam · 06/09/2005 19:31

My dd started pre-school the day after her third birthday, but before her start day we had a half-day visit where I stayed but wasn't meant to interact with dd, just observe and make sure that everything was fine. She didn't take a blind bit of notice of me, and on her first day she spotted her teacher, hared across the room, grabbed her teacher's hand, then looked back at me and said "What are you still doing here? Off you go, Mummy!" - which really put me in my place!

I agree with the staff that if you spend too many days hovering around it could make things harder for your dd, as well as for the staff. She'll expect you to be there and may be unsettled when she realises that things have changed and you're not going to be.

I think that if you've promised your dd that you'll be there for the first day then it will be hard to go back on that. Maybe you could go for the first day but encourage her to go to the staff if she needs help rather than come to you, and then leave her there on her own on the second day once she knows some of the staff. Tell her that you'll be coming back for her and when (after the story, after circle time, after outside playtime - whatever the routine is) so that she knows when to expect you, and leave her to it - she'll have a lovely time.

Original poster

mummylonglegs · 06/09/2005 19:36

Thanks WWB, I think you're right.

OP posts:

dropinthe · 07/09/2005 12:52

bump

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 12:55

My dd and ds go to Nursery three days per week. I "dump and go" rather quicky, leaving sobbing children in my wake. I found that if I stayed longer it pacified them whilst I stayed, but they still had hysterics at my departure 20 minutes later!!

Same old story that everyone else gets - apparently they keep up the crying for about 60 secs after I have gone before they move on to something else.

handlemecarefully · 07/09/2005 12:56

I do believe however if they are not used to being in some sort of pastoral care, they need some kid glove handling for the first week until they get to know the staff a little.

Lucycat · 07/09/2005 13:22

My dd1 went to preschool for about 6 weeks that she hated - a huge room where the 'bigger kids' would all just run round, but when I turned up to drop her off one morning, there was no member of staff there - just another parent 'keeping an eye on the kids' until the staff member got there!! Needless to say I took her straight home!
So when it cam to settling her at another preschool, I left her for just an hour for the first couple of days as she cried when i left and would also cry if she found herself 'inbetween tasks' - in the end she loved it.

She went to school with no problems at all and has just started Year 1 today, again absolutely fine, despite having to go through a different door and everything!!

So even if they take a while to settle at preschool, they will be fine at big school.

Enid · 07/09/2005 13:30

I am dropping dd2 at nursery tomorrow and reeeeeeeeeeealy hope she doesnt want me to stay as I was hoping to settle her for about 10 mins and then go to work

Settling never worked with dd1 as it just made her even more attached to me and upset when I went.

kid · 07/09/2005 13:33

When DD started nursery, I was asked to stay for at least 1/2 hour just to see how she was. Then I was asked to leave the room to see how she was then. I gradually wihthdrew from the nursery over a week and she was absolutely fine.

When DS started pre-school, I was asked to stay for the 1st half hour, he was fine so I was told I could go home. He was always fine being left.

He started nursery this morning and I was allowed to stay for 2 hours! He was fine, I just stayed to help out with him and the others too!

I think its important to reasure the parent when a child starts nursery/pre-school. I would feel uneasy if they didn't want (or let me) stay for a while.

Enid · 07/09/2005 13:36

oh yeah, and I always found it difficult if parents were allowed to stay - because then how do you explain to your child that you are not staying (which I firmly believe was the best approach for my own children). Clucky parents that stayed for hours irritate me.

Told you I was horrible

EvesBigFatMama · 07/09/2005 13:41

am going through the same thing..or will be..dd is 2yr 4 months and am trying to get her into local nursery for two afternoons a week and am worried about the settling in/leaving her as i have never done it before

Pollyanna · 07/09/2005 13:41

I settled dd2 in this morning (shes 2.6). I was told to stay, but to lurk in the corner and not interact with her. Her keyworker said that the key is for the child to get a connection with one of the staff there, so she spent the morning with her. I did leave for a little time and she was fine . Tomorrow (day 2) I won't stay at all.

kid · 07/09/2005 13:52

I won't stay tomorrow for DS either, I am due in work 5 minutes before his nursery starts! I'll have to make a dash through the building to get to my class!

Original poster

mummylonglegs · 07/09/2005 14:59

Lord, the more I read, the more nervous I feel. I don't want to mess it up for dd, nor for other parents who don't want to stay, so I guess I should just drop her and go?

OP posts:

dropinthe · 07/09/2005 15:29

MLL-don't worry about other parents/kids-worry about DD,EH! I think touchy,feely steps the monkey approach on the day will be fine-ok?

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