Should I stop my recovering daughter going away before starting university?

[ByDeftWriter]

I'd really appreciate some opinions of what I should do...My daughter (age 18) is going off to Uni 2 hours way from home in a couple of weeks. She struggled with body image and eating enough food at the start of sixth form, engaged well with support, regained some weight and healthy thoughts around food about 6 months ago - not perfect but definitely in recovery. Over the past month she's been struggling again - possibly due to the stress of waiting for a-level results and going away to Uni (thought she really wants to go). She's now borderline underweight, back to weighing food, counting calories and restricting portions. She has very little insight again at the moment. She's gone to a music festival for 5 days at the moment, and I think it's unlikely she'll be eating enough. She's then meant to be home for 3 days before going on holiday with friends again for 5 days, and then home for less than 2 weeks before going to Uni. If she's underweight when she gets back from the festival, I want to tell her she can't go on her next planned holiday but should stay home instead to try and regain some balance and routine around eating. I know she'll be furious with me, but I think it's important for her to go off to Uni with more time to plan and prepare for independent eating. Am I being too controlling? Thanks for any advice...

How are you going to stop her?

Yeah I understand it's difficult op but I can't imagine she's at a stage you can really stop her doing stuff. Unless you're funding it all?

I’m in the same position op except my dd never weight restored and has never really admitted to having an issue, albeit my dd is going to be closer.

Will she be eating enough at the festival or on holiday? Just wondering if she may start to turn things around herself just by being with her friends.

As for going away, I don’t think you can stop her unless she’s at real medical risk. You can, however have communication and contact agreements. So a text once a week, where she will agree to respond to your questions about the course, how friendships are going. And a question about food. Then a weekly phone call. And you will visit her once a month unless she’d rather come home. Agree to pay for her train fares home if you can afford it as that will encourage her to come back.

Has she contacted disability and sent details of her diagnosis? Wellbeing needs to be involved. Has she given you permission to talk to the university on her behalf?

@Mummyoflittledragon Thanks for your response - it's nice to hear I'm not the only one in this situation. I think she'll unlikely eat enough at the festival or on holiday - she needs alot of prompting at home atm. I think at Uni she'll have more time and more opportunity to overcome it, but am worried if she goes to Uni underweight she'll start on a back foot. She has adhd, so will be getting weekly mentoring - I hope she'll tell them she can struggle with food so they can check in with her about that alongside everything else. I'm also going to encourage her to self refer to Uni wellbeing as they have links to the local ED service. I've also said I'll pop up to visit after a month - she's not happy with that idea atm, but I think will be OK with it at the time. Such a worry!

I would ask her to defer. But at the end of the day she’s an adult and can go without your permission.

University is a time where a large number of teens develop EDs let alone worsen pre existing ones. If she’s slipping back already I would be very concerned. I developed raging bulimia in my first year at university. And if she’s anything like me she will keep it very much quiet from the university so she can feel ‘normal’ and ‘safe’.

Unfortunately though, as I said, there is no more ‘allowing’ or ‘telling’ her. You have to ask, persuade etc because she’s an adult now. You need to transition that line of thinking or she may well delve into the ED as a way to control her own life when you’re trying to stay in control. Don’t make it a tug of war.

From 16 years old Dd refused me having any involvement apart from being the taxi driver (FBT was never an option) .
This shouldnt stop you from contacting GP and uni support services. It will be a one way conversation. And may not make a different... .

So knowing she wouldn't directly listen to me I tried to "make it easy"
I passed on to dd details of local gp (online link , telephone etc), uni support services etc.
I also was quite generous with money, so money would not be an obstacle to going out for a meal, having a nice expensive drink etc. I would send postcards, and even "cake in a card".

Oh and I also threatened that uni could advise her to stop if BMI too low (I think <17)

I don’t understand. How would you stop her from going away?

I wouldn't. Unless she wants to stay home and get your help with food, she will more than likely just resent being stopped from going and refuse to tell you anything at all.

I wouldn't stop her, I would manage the risks instead.
This thread could be useful: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5411539-supporting-dc-with-ed-going-to-uni-now-or-soon

We have the same dilemma, however our DD did go to uni last year to do an art foundation course, living out but near enough to home to come back most weekends. She loved it, made friends etc BuT…. She lost almost all the weight she had put on in recovery over the previous two years. This Summer she developed major anxiety and a ramping up of OCD with terrible intrusive thoughts. This affected her eating so badly that she really struggled to eat meals, taking ages, cutting things up really small, leaving stuff on her plate etc- all the old ED behaviours. It’s been stressful and awful to witness. She has however just been away with friends for 5 days in UK and got back yesterday. So we will see how she got on. Don’t expect her to have put on weight. I personally don’t think she is well enough to go to Uni this year but we intend to have a mature conversation with her and her health has to come first. Hopefully you can do the same with your DD. Wishing you all the best.

How are things going now? A lot has changed with dd and I am wondering the same thing now.

After lots of serious chats with our DD we pursuaded her to take a year out. I think it was actually a relief for her to not face to agonise over it anymore. Her eating is slowly improving. Her mood is getting better and it really was the best decision. Onwards and upwards. What did you both decide?