Supporting DC with ED going to uni now or soon?

[Foxy333]

It's is very worrying. DD has had annorexia before, few years ago and this summer it flared up again. She is going to start uni in a few days, & it's a big concern.
Any others supporting DC age around 17 to 22?

We've done what we can, and have managed to feed her up, but she only seems to eat decent amounts when we make her.
She's not so bad that she can't go to uni - but if she eats badly there she could lose weight very fast. We plan to drive hours to check her every 2 or 3 weeks & have insisted she register with local GP.
It's so much harder to help now she's 'an adult'.
Anyone else like this or have been though it?

I would go for the practical support network approach. Find out what local resources are avaialble both with the universuty itself and within the town/city. If you are comfortable to share either of those details here then someone might be able to give you local insights. Arm yourself and her with that information. Plug in to any support groups if there is anything like that available and if she is likely to engage.

Does she respond to meal planning or shopping lists? You say that you have managed to feed her up but is that with her input on what she will eat or just you making sure she has some good food at the right nutritional and volume level? Is she averse to cooking herself or would she do that if she has a simple plan? I would sit with her and work through a couple of flexible plans for shopping, cupboard food and cooking that she can follow to give her confidence and control over what she needs to do. See what local supermarkets there are. Go shopping with her when you arrive and buy a few bits that you know she will safely eat, even when feeling at risk. Think through other triggers she will face like eating in front of flat mates or going out drinking etc. Do you have a counsellor or useful medical professional that could help you on those scenarios?

Again, not knowing her or her triggers, is she someone who will hide a slide in to anorexia again or is she fiercely protective of her own decision-making? That might change the advice, of course. If you think she is at a point where she needs stronger management from you and will respond to that, then you can also think about having a check in plan/code word that you can both use so that the eating is supported but doesn't become the only topic of conversation so you can also both engage in the university experience she will be having outside her ED.

If she is more likely to hide, lie and pretend then I appreciate that is very scary and agreeing a check in visit plan with her sounds very sensible.

It's scary, I know, but you have all done so well to even get to this point where university is a viable option. I bet there were times you never thought that would be possible. Hang on to that and take each day as it comes.

Thank you @needtolose70lb very helpful points.
We don't have any help currently apart from GP involvement. I've offered her private counselling but she's not keen as she's quite private, but she does acknowledge she is ill this time. Last time when 15 she wouldn't!

She's OK at cooking and meal plans but just tends to portions a bit too small. She didn't want to take much food at first or shop first day there but when I.pushed her agreed to take one weeks food up with her if I get it for her.
She's 50:50 mix of ... I want to get better versus my eating was fine !

She's much improved than 2 months ago so I know she is trying. GP insisted she register with Uni health centre & ideally try counselling at some point.
I think we are going to visit & check her after first 3 weeks - because she wants to stay. And if she knows she will be checked I think it'll help her think I need to eat. If she does drop very low again, I'm not sure what would be best.
She can fill up on low calorie food to avoid feeling hunger. She still seems scared of more nutritional food but will eat most things. But have 1 slice of pizza when all friends have 3.

Could you also arrange some online shopping deliveries with stuff you know she will eat? And when you see her every 3 weeks bring her something home cooked that you know she likes.

Hi,
I wrote something recently about our experience so will just copy :

What dd did;
Registered with uni GP, and made arrangements for monthly weights. Having said this it took several months before they started with it (also did a few blood checks ) and only lasted a few months...

Arranged through DSA (anorexia will qualify but you need some "proof" from HCP) to have a weekly 1 hour non-medical helper Just to have a chat.
Apply for dsa early, even though you may think you don't need help or you are not sure what help you would need later. Whole process took 5 months ( applied June, got helper in November , who wasn't available for second term, so has another one now).

DD uni is 3 hours drive. This was the max she wanted to be away from home.
It made it possible to visit on short notice when she was upset in the middle of the week (happened once). We would visit maybe once a month and she would visit home once a month. Gradually that became less frequent as she didn't feel the need for it.

DD preferred non catered. She contacted residence and by mentioning her eating disorder they made sure to allocate non catered room.

I'm also generous with money, she likes to buy fancy drinks (Costa etc etc)that should have a decent amount of calories in them. They are expensive but I encourage her to just go for it.

Be prepared for relapses/slips. DD was however better in managing them compared to earlier years. She won't let me help her, so I just suggest things, send her links as below)

Around start of second semester she tried to get more help as she knew she was struggling. After few months she got an NHS appointment but outcome was that she wasn't bad enough for them.
From another Mumsnet poster I passed on details of a voluntery organisation Redcan (Google Redcan eating disorder, each region has some organisation). She has an appointment with them in October. I can only hope they will be of any use to her.
So all in all a very slow process....

There are some resources available about transitioning to uni with ED

Freedfromed.co.uk
Newmaudsley capsule Preparing for College or University – Guide for carers

Thank you @Edatuni great points and also @CrickityCrickets

I didn't know about DSA.
The helper would chat wiyh her at Uni you mean, like support but not counselling?

I did not know that some GPs would do montly weights. CAMS did when she was 15. She refused sometimes & hates being weighed but ladt 6 mths lets us do it at home in private.
The problem is she has got annoyed when I try and arrange any support or make suggestions.

This makes me concerned she's still in grip of annorexia. She has improved weight wise but it's reluctant.
I've found good advice online and a great instagram account for those recovering full of useful advice (she likes instagram) but so far she is not seeming interested at all.

I've offered some frozen home coked food cartons to take with her and food deliceries but she cares what others think so much she won't accept these. I'm very worried

Hi,

Dsa, yes the person comes to uni for 1 hour a week. Just to chat, maybe give some moral support etc.

Gp: initially one of the practice nurses did it but she also saw a GP.

Even though GP, uni etc won't be able to talk to you, you can still contact them.

I agree it's difficult to know what is due to anorexia a d what is due to being a teenager going to uni

Thanks @Edatuni that is useful to know. That would help my dd I think but right now she wouldn't be willing to agree to it.
It's hard now she's at uni, hopefully eating OK but we just don't know.
Lot of pressure the start of a teenager going to uni, without an ED too.