Support thread 15 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Mummyoflittledragon]

New thread. The old one is full…

I think the social isolation was one of the hardest parts of it. Not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone meant there was no way of encouraging them to get better to then be able to do things.

Not wanting to go to school but not being allowed is so hard as you can’t use school as your trump card.

I know it’s all hard but remembering social isolation really does make me shudder thinking how it made me feel.

How is everyone? I tried to introduce an extra rich tea biscuit to my DS snack yesterday. It didn't go well!! Not looking forward to weekly clinic tomorrow. I hope everyone else is doing okay x

Hi. Argh it was worth a try!

I substituted some low fat custard with full fat but she found the empty carton in the bin.

I'm feeling rubbish. No energy at all and really low. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I think it's a combination of finding myself in this situation with no end in sight, which is quite draining but also before this I was eating really healthily and was feeling really good. I've now gone back to eating everything again just to make a point to DD that eating that stuff is ok. It's now turned in to just eating that junk because Ive got a taste for it again.

My first thought was that my healthy eating had somehow caused her ED (even though I wasn't doing it for weight purposes, and hadn't mentioned it or made anyone else in the family eat the same stuff as me) but speaking to DD I'm now confident it wasn't that because her issues had been going on before I started. It probably didn't help though.

Eating bread, sugar, biscuits and stuff like that for me is having a profound effect. It really seems to affect my body and mind and cause a depression and brain fog that's quite marked. I think maybe I must be intolerant of certain foods (no idea which) I now don't have the energy and feel poorly but I know I've got to be well and have the energy to make DD eat enough to keep her healthy.

I'm now weighing up the pros and cons of going back to eating what I did before (Mediterranean "diet" i.e no sugar, pasta, starch, bread etc) in such sensitive times.

Does anyone else worry about what THEY eat during these times?

It's horrible. I was sad that's she's had absolutely no messages from anyone for weeks now since having some time off school. I would have thought at least one kid would ask if she's ok. But I think she has been holding back from talking much to others for a while now... Possibly due to limited energy levels. Did this get better with time?

Oh, absolutely it got better @CuppaTandBicky Almost like they try and isolate themselves before we realise how bad things are.

Even after time, when allowed my daughter still didn’t want to do anything, not even go outside with her sister etc, it was awful.

Now she’s back to playing sport, going out - it’s strange to think back to when she wouldn’t do anything. I think we must all need therapy for that time xx

@CuppaTandBicky
Yes, it’s very normal to eat their food for them. Stress response. I absolutely did this with dd in the beginning and to a certain extent am again right now as she’s going through A levels and it is really tough. Dd has no concept of how she is treating me…

And we don’t categorise food when refeeding. All food is food. Nothing is off limits. For a very long time my dd was getting through bottles and bottles of ketchup and packets and packets of biscuits. Obviously we don’t want them to binge either, which is why eating is spaced into 3 meals and 3 snacks every 2-3 hours. This keeps blood sugars stable.

My goal btw is for dd to eat a balanced diet, increase her intake of protein, fruits and vegetables and fats and oils, but we definitely aren’t there right now.

Absolutely agree I am definitely eating food for her. It's just having a really bad effect on me!! I just know if I do cut out the stuff that doesn't agree with me she will pick up on this and use it as evidence that she is right to be avoiding eating.

She is SO perceptive to what others eat. It's a lose lose situation!!

Good luck with the a-levels. A very stressful time but the relief when they're over will be huge!

Thanks - she’s half way through.

Yes you do have to be careful. However, you can also point out to your dd, you are not in recovery from an eating disorder. And because of this, you do not need to eat as much as her. And as you are older, your intake requirements are far less than if you were a teenager.

I appreciate you’re not going to tell her this, but teen girls recovering from ED need at least as much as an active older teen male. Ie 3000 plus calories.

I feel this so hard.

@CuppaTandBicky I went through a period of eating what she ate ( this was a long time ago when she followed a meal plan). We both put on a lot of weight. Utterly pointless on my part as she then stopped eating and lost it all.

Now I just say that my dietary needs are different to hers and try not to get drawn into conversations about food. I wouldn’t do a restrictive diet though so it’s taken me a long while to loose the extra kgs I put on at the beginning.

I also recognise the eating for her. I spent a year putting on the kilos needed while they stayed exactly the same. Its sort of comforting to see that the human body is in fact very able to put on weight, if the time ever comes when they want to.
I've decided to look after my own physical and mental health and have lost 3kg. Noone seems to have noticed, but I agree, if anyone did, it would be the person with the ed. But, I can't put myself aside forever.

That being said, today they asked me for food, proper home made food. Not sure that's happened for 2 years.

Glad to know it's not just me! Going to have to be mindful of not carrying on like this!!

That's great they asked for proper home made food today.

I think it’s really hard to eat differently to your child, you want to normalise eating snacks, biscuits, crisps etc and my dd very much needed me to eat what she was eating. I personally took the hit and gained over a stone which I’ve not shifted.

For me DDs health was more important than mine I suppose and (hopefully) it’s not forever 😕

Very true. I put our scales away when I found out about the eating disorder, so at least I'll not know how much weight I've gained for a while!!

Hi everyone. We’ve had yet another weigh in with no weight gain. Feeling very low today. Dd is trying and almost following their meal plan but struggling with cream so I can’t add that into things. She feels physically sick after I add cream into pasta etc. they said it can take a while to see weight gain at first but to me this already feels never ending! Our first camhs appointment was a month ago.

Hi @Raspberrysins I remember the feeling of doom cahms appointments gave me!

I was hoping for a weight gain for you as I remember you’re off work with your daughter.

Was your daughter disappointed?

It really can take time and she isn’t losing which is good. Have they said to just go away and keep going with the meal plan!

I can’t eat cream, never have been able to. I can’t describe how much I hate it - so I understand what your daughter is saying and I think sometimes we have to respect what they didn’t like before the ED?

Please don’t get too disheartened. You’re both doing amazing following the meal plan xx

Yes they said try and up the calories again somehow and that were next in line to meet a dietician which I’d good. Yes our first week at home together off school so it was disheartening. Dd is just fed up with it all now. I’m hoping it’s spurred her on somehow. Next week is half term so we’ll all be home and it will be more intense. No holiday possible this year which is kind of depressing. I am not really religious but actually prayed last night. It just feels like we’re al stuck in this deep black hole.

@Raspberrysins im not religious at all but I have prayed - lots!

I hope you feel supported by school
even though you’re off.

I would push to see the dietician as within reason they do suggest alternatives if your daughter really doesn’t like something. I would really try and get as much support as possible over the next 3 weeks xx

thank you @Pearl97 xx

yes work have been very supportive. Luckily it’s exam season so fewer classes to cover and my department have been fab. Dd has been ok with lactose free whole milk which we’re trying now. Maybe she does have an intolerance. This morning she’s sat with me all morning and we have done crafts but it’s such a lovely day. She asked to walk to the shop (10 min walk) and I’ve let her but felt unsure. They said gentle walking was ok. She stopped all running and dance class etc.

@Raspberrysins I am really pleased school are being supportive - I suppose some teachers know a lot more about ED’s than they would if they weren’t in the job they are, so they know you need to be home.

Exercise is so hard and always will be I think. I know people on here have had daughters who have been caught running when they were out for a gentle walk. It’s very difficult to say no to everything.

Twenty minutes on your own will do you good too xx

yes I know you’re right. She won’t run as she is a rule follower and is wearing jeans anyway which would just fall down 🤣 time on my own is rare and precious indeed!

@Raspberrysins
Also reiterating no gain so means no loss. When they’re emaciated, there’s a lot of repair work that happens first. Being essential, the vital organs are prioritised.

Every calorie that should have eaten and wasn’t has to be eaten on top of what would have been their normal daily needs. And someone, who’s been restricting heavily can enter a period of hyper metabolism, where the body needs a lot of food. As I said 3k kcal minimum. Some girls can need significantly more.

CAMHS are wanting you to increase your dd’s intake, so she isn’t up to full snacks and meals yet. It will happen. Don’t despair.

As for the lactose, it is possible your dd has developed an intolerance or she may not be able to physically handle rich dairy foods right or she may have a psychological aversion. She could also be ok with butter and / or cheese. The body processes these differently. And these are also very good much needed fats.

It’s good your dd is a rule follower. Mine is for the most part, but I am pretty sure she does some sneaky stuff too. She’s almost 18! It’s a blessing if they don’t develop compulsive exercise. I had to slow my dd down on that score. But she wasn’t too bad. She doesn’t walk many places and I like it like that right now. Until she can put on decent amounts of weight, she exercises enough without adding extra steps. So I drive her around a lot…

It is good your dd is fed up with it. Hopefully it will push her on. Unfortunately that doesn’t work like this with my dd. She’s just completely fed up with me. Because I’m her Eating Disorder Coach, because she won’t admit to having an issue with eating or talk to the real one!

Sorry your daughter didn't put weight on that must be disappointing. Weight fluctuates so much though, maybe if she was weighed the day before, or even a few hours later that day the reading would be different.. Good luck with the dietician.