@Anothersetback
Dd is year 13. It would be safest for her to live at home next year or at least to be within easy reach. Not because I want to control her or clip her wings, but because she won’t admit to a problem and I’m constantly pulling her back from relapse. She’s absolutely sick to the back teeth of me, because I am constantly at her to eat, which she sees as control. And she is desperate to get away from me. So desperate she may just leave, especially if things go wrong… See below holiday.
It’s not control. I am doing this so that she can live her life. And so that she can live autonomously when ready. If I weren’t doing this, it’s very possible she would deteriorate to where she was 2 years ago, red on MEEDS. And she can’t go into hospital due to her seizure condition. The ED coach (who has decades of in patient care experience in ED) told me after dd was no longer in the potential at moderate risk of death (due to refusing medical observations so we didn't know where she was) that she would have come out of in patient care unrecognisable or in a box.
And the coach was very clear to me. I saved dd’s life. Dd point blank refuses to talk to the coach. If she would engage with the coach, I could back away a considerable amount and be a lot more like just mum again. Every time she get anxious she restricts. And if I’m not there to tell her, God knows what will happen. Well, unless she copies the other students around her, she will slowly restrict more and more. If she progresses this summer, she’s more likely, not less to stay at home next year as she will recognise her needs.
And she needs an inordinate amount of support. Yet she doesn’t see it at all. Looking after her in the absence of her looking after herself and all the admin I need to do to nudge her slowly forward is almost a full time job. I’m now stepping in to help get her on track for her one of her A levels as I have a degree in it. She wouldn’t have let me before.
She isn’t diagnosed and therefore not under ED services as she was too anxious to engage. I got a private coach involved 2 years ago and by threatening not to go on a holiday she desperately wanted to go on, we got her on meal plan, 3 meals and 3 snacks. We meant it btw and that was 2 days before departure. And she put on a little weight whilst away and started to get hungry again, much of that was because we took a really good friend with us, who helped dd a lot.
Then as soon as she was 16 and 3.5 weeks after getting her on meal plan, she signed herself off from CAMHS. She pulled the wool over the eyes of the psychiatrist, who told her she doesn’t have an ED. That was awful and took 4 months to deprogramme dd from it.
She still isn’t admitting an issue. And she’s not properly been on meal plan since January, when she declared she’s an adult and can eat what she wants, when she wants. She halved her intake overnight on that one, but has since increased, however, that was me turning her around. It’s always me turning her around. The coach and I really hoped she’d learn something from that relapse, but sadly not.
She’s also booked a holiday in less than 2 months without dh and I okaying it. She said she tried to discuss it with us, but the only discussion was I am going. I am an adult - she will be by then, but isn’t yet. Dh and I are refusing to pay. But her friend’s family is loaded, so I presume they’re lending her the money until her trust fund comes through. There’s 3 of them.
If it were just the one other friend, it would be less of an issue. Being just 2, they’d possibly be ok. Dd went away with her for 3 nights last year and they were ok. And the girl says she isn’t going to get drunk (dd doesn’t drink much), but I’m figuring she will end up doing so, as the 3rd girl drinks a lot. What I didn’t like is they didn’t always stick together on those 3 nights. Not an issue at a festival, but would be at a party resort. Dd is very vulnerable and naive. Open to exploitation. She was groomed by a guy last year. I got her away from him now with dh’s help.
The 3rd friend is pretty dependent on dd, in the year below and has bulemia. She and dd went on a ski trip with school last year and spent a lot of time together. Dd came back from the ski trip in a real state, hadn’t eaten anywhere near enough in very early stage relapse and I turned her around. But dd isn’t letting me do that anymore.
The girl has no concept of dd’s needs. It was all about the girl, who medical needs. And dd has a seizure if she goes to hospital. Dd says the girl has now stopped vomiting over food, but she does regularly over alcohol. And vomiting over alcohol is just another way to purge the food. So the behaviour is absolutely still there.
The girl also has ARFID. Dd has ARFID tendencies albeit not diagnosed. So 2 eating disorders. And we all know that anyone with an Eating Disorder should stay away from anyone else with ED as the EDs work together to make the sufferers worse.
Dd says these 2 girls are her besties, yet she’s hiding from them that she’s still very mentally unwell. There’s only 2 friends, who are allowed to know. And it’s not them. And even if the friends she’s booked to go away with knew, they aren’t equipped to help her. One suffering from ED herself, the other just loves to have fun and party, which is what dd likes about her.
I figure I am not going to be able to stop dd from going. It’s a massive worry. The only hope is that dd thinks the boy I mentioned before is going to the same resort at roughly the same time. They are now tentative… well sort of more than that. I will be hopefully see him at some stage. And I will be asking if he is going to be around. And I will hopefully have the opportunity to ask hi, if he will check in on her every day, see if she’s eating enough. I know he really cares about her. She needs to be having at least 3000 calories, especially as I bet she will be on the go a lot, so eating at least the same amount of an active lad of their age. Such a worry.