AIBU to worry my daughter may be developing an eating disorder?

[ShouldIworryornot]

Sorry, long, head not in right place right now, can’t work out what’s relevant and what’s not 😥.

My 18yo daughter left home for uni in September, she’s loving it, doing well academically and enjoying the newfound friendships as well as hobbies and societies. Up to Xmas, all perfect.

Then a long stretch came of 3 months when we didn’t see her other than online and not much. I did notice she looked slimmer in the very odd pic she’d sent thru.

Then at the end of March she called me crying her eyes out (for over two hours), very anxious (never ever been anxious before), saying she’d been eating little since Xmas and running lots and lost 7kg in 3 months, (claimed 1,400 kcal, only 2 meals à day) and that it had been really hard she was very worried she’d gain the weight back if she stopped and how to avoid that happening.

Luckily she was coming home 3 days later, when we went away skiing, whereupon I could see she was avoiding calories as much as she could, would choose a lunch of salad w feta despite it being cold and skiing 4 hours a day. Would then play pádel after that on 2/5 days, and went running before skiing on another one. She ate normal dinners which I cooked at least, and the odd pudding.

Back home now and she continues to run every day and eat as little as she can get away with, although not alarmingly little but I suspect underfuelling; I wake up thinking about this, torn between trying to gather more data and rushing to do sth about it asap. She confirmed she did not gain any weight while away, unsurprisingly.

She’s 165cm tall and has gone from 59kg to 52kg. Says 51kg would make her underweight and she doesn’t want that. She looks slimmer that she used to, obviously, but not unwell; apparently hated being “not big but with a tummy”.

Today she walked 10k steps and run 7k. she ate 2 eggs for breakfast, no bread; pea soup w à slice of bread for lunch, 2 kiwis as she says she’s constipated; 6 Itsu gyoza w undressed salad for dinner, insisting she’d snacked on chocolate before dinner and wasn’t hungry, tho no one saw that.

For all I know, I could be staring at a huge ED developing in front of my very eyes. But she says she’s v happy and I mustn’t worry because weight matters 7/10 to her but health matters 10/10 and she is not ill.

YABU: she’s is just working out how to be slim n fitter than ever like she’s working out a lot else right now.

YANBU: get her help NOW (but what? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?)

If anyone has been thru this, please tell me honestly if you think EDs are in fact stoppable? One friend confided recently she saw EVERY sign in her daughter from day 1 and was still unable to stop it, child now in hospital due to low weight.

OMG for background I have always been overweight to obese, and worried about health with a horrendous perimenopause that has rendered me prediabetic. This is all absolutely my fault. I’ve always said to her I didn’t know that being overweight could make me so unwell and was naïve to ignore it until my 50s. I thought I was helping her avoid my fate, but instead I’ve given her an ED, haven’t I?

I am not an expert on this but I understand your worry, OP. I don’t have medical training, but perhaps it can be stopped. I know someone who had started going down that path. They did therapy after a bit of a wake up call (dizzy spell / fall from eating too little) and worked it out and never ended up with serious health issues. is now an older adult and never relapsed. It took work and self awareness, and of course will to want to stop.

Please be gentle. I feel guilty enough as it is and haven’t slept much for days now. Thank you for any light you might shed.

I have made her an appointment with my GP for next week, btw, tho haven’t told her yet. Half minded to use the appointment myself and discuss with the GP as she’s not only v experienced but also a friend and an ED mum herself. Shall I just send my daughter? WWYD?

Thank you so much. I foresee another night of guilt and palpitations.

Eggs for breakfast
Soup and bread for lunch
Fruit as a snack
Gyoza and salad for dinner

On other days she had salad for lunch, then a normal dinner.

That sounds like a fairly normal days food to me personally. But I’m also not a doctor.

Thank you for your response. It’s all a bit borderline in view of how much she used to eat, def more.

I really can’t work out whether she’s just better than I ever was at eating a bit less and keeping fitter and that’s that, or whether as a mum it’s my job to do sth so things don’t get worse. Just keep worrying about her going back to uni and not having anyone around to keep an eye so restricting more easily.

Someone with experience of this and / or medical experience will come along soon, am sure. This place is amazing. I know it’s not only mums here but I do doubt there is much in the world that is more powerful than a bunch of mothers genuinely getting (and supporting) one another.

Btw yesterday she refused to eat anything until lunch which was soup w salad no bread. Then at dinner ate half her portion of chicken pie and immediately went for a walk.

Eating the bare minimum and exercising for intensive calorie/fat burning daily is disordered behaviour even if it is not a full-blown eating disorder.

Talking therapy to get to the bottom of what is driving her behaviours could be a starting point. The sooner any therapy or other GP recommended treatments are started the better.

It sounds as though your daughter confided in you when she was feeling overwhelmed.
Now she is saying she is "happy"; she probably doesn't want you to worry but is also ambivalent about (potentially) being made to give up the eating behaviours and intensive exercise.

That your daughter confided in you says a lot about the level of trust and love between you.

I think you are right to be concerned. I think I'd use the GP appointment for yourself to alert the GP and find out about available resources so that you are well informed about treatment options; you do need to try to nip this in the bud if you can before a possible eating disorder takes hold. Therapy for your DD as soon as possible would be wise, the fact that she's opening up to you is really good, but a professional to give an outside perspective alongside your support would be a good idea too.

I've no personal experience here, but my friend's DD had an eating disorder in her teens. She's now 30 and doing well, but needed a lot of therapy and support.

That does sound like an emerging ED to me and I would definitely be seeking help via GP. Thing is at her age, she will likely be referred to an adult ED team and it will be down to her whether she wants to engage or not. You could contact BEAT for advise? Also have a look at the new maudsley parent carer workshops for support and advice on what you can do to help. I am an ED therapist btw so happy to offer further advice.

Also please don't blame yourself. There is absolutely no evidence to say parents cause ED's, if anything, you are a valuable resource and can help turn this around for her.

I have supported a daughter successfully through an Ed. I think you are right to be concerned. Check.out the Beat website its veey helpful . Forget the blame no.time for.that.

Hi, I have three daughter (I’m no good at abbreviations!) My eldest suffered from an eating disorder age 16, it came from extreme anxiety in high school. She spent a week in hospital which frightened her into slowly getting better. She is 23 now and doing well. Her sister 21 started in a similar way to your daughter. At university but living at home. Really fit and healthy and loving gym and running but started losing weight and being quite restricted in her eating. I noticed but worried that I was just over vigilant. She was happy to come see a gp with me even though she didn’t think there was a problem. I worried that there wouldn’t be the same level of help as she was an adult. Gp was brilliant and referred her straight away to eating disorder service. Within 2 weeks she had psychologist and dietician appointments. Daughter was so honest in assessment and said she realised she had taken things too far. She has done so well and found it more helpful than she could have imagined. They focus on changing habits and showing her how she needs fuel to enable her to still enjoy her gym/running. Sorry to waffle but it’s important to explain. All eating disorders/disordered eating can happen for many different reasons but with the right help and dealing with them early on things can change for the better. I just wanted to share that information. Take care x

I think you’re right to be concerned, but I don’t think personally she’s in the ED category at this point. She’s clearly lost some weight and is enjoying being slimmer, and with young people’s fashion showing off a lot of flesh, I can see why she’s happier being thinner.

I’d probably have a chat with her. Tell her you’re a little concerned she’s not eating enough, and tell her you don’t want to see her develop any ED as they are just so awful to manage and you don’t want to see her have to manage this. Tell her she looks great as she is.

One of my life long friends 10yr old DD is just in recovery from anorexia and it’s been awful. She had to be taken out of school for 2 months and pretty much on bed / sofa rest due to impact on her heart etc. Thankfully, she is responding well to treatment and is regaining the weight she’s lost through an eating plan. Please don’t think you’ve caused this by talking about losing weight yourself, you really haven’t. I’d say see what she says when you chat to her, off her to see GP, and if she declines, mention at your own appointment so you can get some professional advice. All the best.

In isolation many of those factors could well be fine. She is currently 165cm 52kg BMI 19.1, I am 163cm 50kg BMI 18.8, so that in isolation is not indicative of an issue. I've been this weight for decades. Her activity levels are similar to mine (10k steps is just my commute on public transport, and on some days I run as well), and I am not massive on deserts either. She also eats what is cooked for her. These inputs in isolation could be indicative of normal eating.

My question is how do you know her weight before she went back to uni after Xmas, her weight at the start of the holiday in April, and her weight at the end of the holiday a few days later? Or her calorie intake and step count, etc? That is rather a lot of detail and focus. Does she volunteer this information to you, reporting daily, or is she keeping a digital log that you have access to?

Well done to you!!! Even knowing it’s possible is helpful.

Thank you for replying. She has given me all the weight numbers and step counts (average 24k in February); says she doesn’t track calories but knows roughly how much to eat. Yes def a lot of focus.

Super well done to you, wow, two amazing DDs going through this, that’s def more than your fair share. You should be so proud. Will post update from chat last night for everyone below. Thank you SO much.

Tx so much for replying. 10 yrs old 😥😥😥.

Please look up 'Beat'. They have a support line you can call for qualified advice for ED.

I'm afraid I completely agree with those saying it sounds like a the start of an ED. My DD has just been diagnosed and it absolutely looks like 'being healthy' at first. You are definitely doing the right thing with the GP appointment. It's good that she is being so open about it with you. It may well mean there is a part of her that knows this is getting a grip on her and she wants your help.

The eating disorders board on here is a very supportive place.

Being healthy/clean eating is often the start of orthorexia rather than anorexia. So still eating, but extremely rigid/lots of exercise.
Under fuelled brains get worse at making good decisions around food which is one of the reasons ED is hard to treat. It's actually very difficult for people with ED to improve on their own.
I would definitely be urging your DD to seek help and at least an objective professional view in whether her diet is sufficient to sustain her lifestyle at a healthy weight.

I think you need to persuade your daughter to see a doctor. My child is going through anorexia now and the anxiety you describe is a huge red flag and so is the over exercising and under fuelling. Our GP immediately referred my daughter to an eating disorder specialist even though I wasn’t convinced she had one. I don’t want to alarm you but it develops very very quickly and the sooner you get expert help the easier it is to fight. From what you’ve written she needs help

She's not eating nearly enough for a young woman doing that amount of exercise. You obviously have a great relationship though and I think when she rang you in tears she was asking for your help ... which is amazingly positive. As another poster has said, when you eat too little your brain can't function well. She needs to know that inadequate fuel will totally mess up her time at university. If you can persuade her to get advice on nutrition from a GP and maybe a nutritionist that might really help.
My daughter went through very similar in her teens. Over exercising and only eating one decent meal a day with me in the evening. I had no idea how little she was eating during the day. Her periods had stopped which I also did not realise. Like your daughter she broke down in tears and told me after 6 months. I felt so guilty but after that she slowly got better and has never relapsed. Hope it's the same for your girl xxx

Update for everyone, especially @Littleguggi who might have some thoughts, and tx to everyone for sharing your experiences.

I had a chat with her last night and she repeated I mustn’t worry, of course. Looked genuinely sad that I seemed worried, bless her, I feel bad that I’m not very subtle.

She showed me she did 21k steps yesterday but her average for Feb was 25k like I mentioned. Said there was nothing that particularly clicked “on 4th January” other than she saw she was 59kg after Xmas and thought she ought to not “have a 6 at the front as that'd be too much for her frame” so decided to act. Says she thinks just a little bit slimmer than her friends and that she runs faster this way and loves both those facts. Also that I’m going to have to get used to her eating less than she used to because she’s enjoying bring that size, especially her flat tummy. She wears low jeans that show it all the time (so does my 15 yo, seems the norm). I’ve never allowed v short crop tops but the jeans are so low, I would not be surprised if their tummy looking flat in those is important to them.

She is strong willed about this, definitely, more than she used to, thats for sure:

i do remember 3 or 4 years ago when she said she wondered if she was binge eating sweets but I recall saying to her Upfs are exactly created for that so it happens to everyone and to just know that can and will happen and to try to make healthy choices most of the time.

Then more recently she said she can’t trust herself around certain foods but I tried not to make a thing of it as frankly neither can I so I didn’t have much to offer.

She says she follows lots of athletes and know how bad under fuelling is and wouldn’t do it, insists she had a snack of hummus n carrots too yesterday that I didn’t clock and that she is not underrating, just “on maintenance mode” or perhaps “a little bit on weight loss mode”. She says she’s in fact 2kg away from being underweight, not 1kg. I said she seems determined to cut it quite close to the wire and she smiled because she sees I have a point.

Her main message was she’s fine just keeping fit and slim and I really mustn’t worry about it but it does seem to take much of her attention and next year living in a house i/o catered halls heaven knows how much or little she will cook/eat. She’s doing a highly technical degree so that will require increasing amounts of work.

I slept a bit better last night tho not enough. Full
day of work about to start, busiest this week so won’t see much of what she eats other than pbly lunch as I WFH.

All in all am à bit less worried about anorexia but maybe more orthorexia, tho she says she knows about it but doesn’t have it.

Bear w me if I only reply late tonight. I have also gone back to an intense uni for a year, did apologise to her for being too busy and not seeing her in 3 months but she says this is not my doing, if fact gave me a hug when I said.

I am so rambling, still all over the place TBH.

Brave confident face on for clients now. Tx again!