AIBU to worry my daughter may be developing an eating disorder?

[ShouldIworryornot]

Sorry, long, head not in right place right now, can’t work out what’s relevant and what’s not 😥.

My 18yo daughter left home for uni in September, she’s loving it, doing well academically and enjoying the newfound friendships as well as hobbies and societies. Up to Xmas, all perfect.

Then a long stretch came of 3 months when we didn’t see her other than online and not much. I did notice she looked slimmer in the very odd pic she’d sent thru.

Then at the end of March she called me crying her eyes out (for over two hours), very anxious (never ever been anxious before), saying she’d been eating little since Xmas and running lots and lost 7kg in 3 months, (claimed 1,400 kcal, only 2 meals à day) and that it had been really hard she was very worried she’d gain the weight back if she stopped and how to avoid that happening.

Luckily she was coming home 3 days later, when we went away skiing, whereupon I could see she was avoiding calories as much as she could, would choose a lunch of salad w feta despite it being cold and skiing 4 hours a day. Would then play pádel after that on 2/5 days, and went running before skiing on another one. She ate normal dinners which I cooked at least, and the odd pudding.

Back home now and she continues to run every day and eat as little as she can get away with, although not alarmingly little but I suspect underfuelling; I wake up thinking about this, torn between trying to gather more data and rushing to do sth about it asap. She confirmed she did not gain any weight while away, unsurprisingly.

She’s 165cm tall and has gone from 59kg to 52kg. Says 51kg would make her underweight and she doesn’t want that. She looks slimmer that she used to, obviously, but not unwell; apparently hated being “not big but with a tummy”.

Today she walked 10k steps and run 7k. she ate 2 eggs for breakfast, no bread; pea soup w à slice of bread for lunch, 2 kiwis as she says she’s constipated; 6 Itsu gyoza w undressed salad for dinner, insisting she’d snacked on chocolate before dinner and wasn’t hungry, tho no one saw that.

For all I know, I could be staring at a huge ED developing in front of my very eyes. But she says she’s v happy and I mustn’t worry because weight matters 7/10 to her but health matters 10/10 and she is not ill.

YABU: she’s is just working out how to be slim n fitter than ever like she’s working out a lot else right now.

YANBU: get her help NOW (but what? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?)

If anyone has been thru this, please tell me honestly if you think EDs are in fact stoppable? One friend confided recently she saw EVERY sign in her daughter from day 1 and was still unable to stop it, child now in hospital due to low weight.

OMG for background I have always been overweight to obese, and worried about health with a horrendous perimenopause that has rendered me prediabetic. This is all absolutely my fault. I’ve always said to her I didn’t know that being overweight could make me so unwell and was naïve to ignore it until my 50s. I thought I was helping her avoid my fate, but instead I’ve given her an ED, haven’t I?

I agree with Girlie. Also mother to a dd with ED. Your dd sounds very mentally unwell and you really don’t know what she is doing to her body until she has had bloods, BP, Pulse and an ECG. She really shouldn’t be exercising on that intake. It is way too little and dangerous. My dd was exactly the same. Over 2 years from the start and she’s still mentally and physically unwell, albeit improving slowly.

2 years ago my then 11 year old DD was under CAMHS for an eating disorder.

The girl group in school were being mean, mentioning weight all the time. She responded by over exercising in her room. I hadn't a clue. I knew something was wrong She was obviously weak.

CAMHS were amazing. She was immediately stopped from all exercise.
She admitted to CAMHS that she often felt faint getting out of a shower or standing up. We had to stop her locking the door to the bathroom in case she fainted.
She was sent for an ECG thankfully there wasn't any issues.

Like a previous poster mentioned. She had to have 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Her weight was monitored.

She developed chill blains, very common in.people with eating disorders. 2 years on She still gets chillblains when it's cold. She's a track runner- it's a constant reminder to her.

I understand the place that you find yourself - it's frightening. It sounds like your daughter is doing what mine did over-exercising. Mine was young, felt unwell and became frightened.

It never goes away. She tells me she still thinks about her weight. But we talk and thankfully she knows her running club wouldn't allow her to run if the ED returned. That's her incentive to eat normally.

I really urge you to get your Dd to see a GP.

Take care.

Shit. I didn’t see your update before posting. That’s really not good at all, dangerous. She really needs to stop all exercise. She’s using her muscles to fuel her body and her heart is a muscle.

As for A&E, yes, I would take her.

Tx for your responses. You are all incredibly kind to add your contributions.

She has agreed to stop exercising until her heart is looked at.

Well done, I hope I can report positive news too at some point.

Tbh she's almost eating what I do and have done since a teen and I love exercise walking, running, swimming horse riding etc and am a similar weight now age 25 and just had my yearly health check and all good as usual...so just remember not all of us want to eat the same as usual adults..it's never been my priority but no disorder either

On the heart rate, one more thing I just remembered. Her VO2Max is 49 and she thinks this means she’s very fit and that it may be the reason her resting heart rate is slowing down.

My head is spinning slightly with finding out more and more from her and learning so much from you all but I thought I’d share this in case it sheds any light for any of you experts.

Thank you as always. I hope you know you are making a difference to a tricky/new/how on earth did we get here situation.

And another data point - she’s into numbers - her HRV Average was 82 for the past week.

Maybe she is v fit.

1.30am. Head now spinning properly. Bed.

YANBU in thinking your DD has ED. Whether or not it is curable, IDK. I know people who have been in recovery for decades. I don't understand those people, I envy those people, but they exist.

I cannot think of a common thread that distinguishes those in long-term recovery from those who still struggle, but you have my complete sympathy. The only advice I can give is to fight for support now and keep fighting until you get it.

For me, focusing on strength training, protein to fuel my muscles, and energy to fuel my workouts helps distract me from Kcals = fat, but that is me. It is different for everyone.

An eating disorder is literally “disordered eating” - you don’t need to be sticking two fingers down your throat for you to be “classed” as having one.

OP, your post worried me because of your DD’s timing…the same happened to me by my second term at uni. Is she by any chance a high achiever and certainly top of her class at school?

If so, from my experience, it’ll be a way for her to try and control a very new and overwhelming experience where she’s maybe not finding it as easy or predictable as school. For me, restricting food or controlling the number on the scale was my substitute for the weekly homework A grade that she now won’t be getting at university (by that I mean: a constant feedback that’s she’s doing “right”)

My resting heart rate is 55, and I have a high fitness profile. Your DD18 is very fit - these numbers indicate a trained athlete profile. Keep in mind that weight is a component in these figures, so at the same fitness level at the 59kg she was 6 months ago, thes figures would be lower - still very strong fitness but not trained athlete level. But that doesn't mean she's healthy - especially with only 800 calories going into the tank.

Is she feeling dizziness when standing or palpitations? I'll defer to the frontline practitioners on this, but unless she is facing imminent collapse, you will face 8 hours sat on upright plastic chairs missing healthy meals and much needed rest if you go to A&E today, and will probably be directed back to the GP for a referral at the end.

If you elect to wait to see the GP on Tuesday, enforce a complete moratorium of exercise until then. Try very hard to go with her to ensure she attends. Perhaps frame it as a check up to ensure that she can keep her performance level up if she gets hesitant. And bring a cheat sheet with her intake and exercises log so that she can't minimise when answering questions from the GP.

My experience: dd with eating disorder.
Average heart rate of 44 is NOT being athletic (saying as dd was someone who ran cross country at regional and national level).

At that age they need a lot more calories, especially when excercising).
People with ED will say they are " fine" and just want to eat healthy.

At 18 difficult to have any say over them.
Also difficult to get help.
It took dd at uni over a year to get specialised ED help (but to be honest camhs experience wasn't great either).

Are you saying you're 25 or that you weigh the same as you did at 25? As your posting history suggests you have older teenagers.

Either way, you need to go back and read the op again because I can't figure out how your post relates to the op's DD who has lost a lot of weight in a short space of time and has been deliberately restricting her food intake and phoned her mother crying about her weight and restriction.

It seems all you read was the food she ate. If you're going to offer advice on a potential eating disorder, which can have some very serious consequences, I would suggest putting a little bit more thought into it.

Well done OP. It's very positive that your daughter is co-operating and has agreed to stop exercising until her heart is looked at. Now she needs to agree to give her heart (and brain) the fuel they need to function properly. They have been deprived of fuel for months, so now they urgently need 3 proper meals a day and snacks.
Good luck to both of you x

These step-counter, heart rate etc. monitors can be really negative when they seem to fuel obsessive behaviour. Is she using a smart watch? It appears to be contributing to making her anxious about her activity levels.

I have avoided any of these activity monitor type devices as I know that it would possibly make me anxious. They are not good for everyone - it seems your daughter could benefit from stopping all the step counting etc. to make her move away from being so obsessive.

My dd was close to being admitted to hospital with a resting HR of 49, the ED team actually said if it was one beat slower they’d have admitted her.

Have her periods stopped? Is she feeling cold?

Denying there’s a problem and being defensive is part of the illness (there’s a medical term for it which I’ve forgotten) my dd insisted she was completely healthy even when all the evidence pointed to the exact opposite.

Anorexia is an incredibly dangerous illness and has a high mortality rate so please ignore the pro anorexic posters saying this is normal - it is not. Trust your instincts.

She is a high achiever, definitely. Straight As and very technical degree. V musical and (now) v fit

How did you feel subsequently?

She is seeing our GP on Tuesday but the GP has already reminded me it will all be confidential. I wish my DD was 17!

As someone that has suffered with disordered eating for most of my adult life, I’d question wether something else was going on, and she’s using the control of calories as a way to feel in control. I’d offer healthy large meals to encourage a decent appetite and tell her if she feels it’s becoming an issue you could deal with it together. Mine usually settles down once I get back in control of my feelings, but feeling lonely, upset, out of my depth, etc always results in some form of restriction. I’ve never been hospitalised or sought therapy for it, and no one really knows.

If your DD is unwilling to discuss her eating/eating disorder with the GP this week, I'm afraid I would be leaving a note for the GP before her appointment saying you want them to be aware that she has lost 7kgs in 3 months, is significantly restricting her food intake and is exercising excessively and compulsively. Your DD's BMI is something of a red herring here. It will continue to fall rapidly if she continues to restrict and exercise to excess and by then she will have formed ingrained habits which will be very hard to break. Wishing you all the best OP.

Just echoing others - please do not take advice from competitive undereaters/pro anorexic posters on this thread. They are actively harmful.

I wanted to come and offer you some more support. My 16 year old daughter developed anorexia 3 years ago. As previous posters have said, anorexia isn't just a mental health condition as has been thought in the past, it is a genetic predisposition which can be triggered by a fuel deficit over a period of time, and sometimes the period of time can be short. Tabitha Farar is an author and she talks about spending a few weeks trying to lose weight for a specific purpose as a teen, and that was enough to trigger the anorexia for her. You will not have triggered it by talking about healthy bodies and eating - please don't beat yourself up about that.

Anorexia is a very hard condition to experience in a loved one, because one of the defining features is a lack of ability to see a problem and there is also intense anxiety at the prospect of eating more or gaining weight. As parents we are generally working hard to keep our kids away from things that terrify them or make them feel bad, but for people who have an ED you have to push them closer to things that are hard for them.

Recovery is definitely possible, particularly if it's not something that's become entrenched, and so if this is the early ish stages of her developing it then trying to act promptly is a good plan. Fuelling her body properly as a developing adult with all of the macros including fat is important.

My own experience of spotting the eating disorder in my daughter is that it took me several months of piecing things together. It was possible to see things as her becoming interested in food prep, eating healthier, looking after herself. And she was adamant she was eating things when I just didn't see it. I would prepare her things like overnight oats for breakfast and I'd come down in the morning to see the empty bowl - it had been "delicious", but she had been flushing it down the loo...

She is doing well now, it's a slow process but I think she is close to being recovered.

trust your instincts...

Unfortunately it’s 15! At 16, a patient has to give formal permission for medical professionals to discuss their treatment with parents.

I'm sorry OP, the more you post the more it sounds like she is in ED territory. Thats a very low amount of food and has all the hallmarks of ED behaviour. Nothing she's eating is proper balanced meals, dry salad, plain eggs. Some itsu gyozas. Unecessary steps. She's not someone wanting to fuel their bodily healthily for excercise.

Her drop in resting heart rate is concerning, especially as it sounds like she's only actually been running for a few months

I'm glad she's going to the GP. The difficulty is getting her to be honest about the context. When your brain is starving it's very hard to be rationale, and EDs make you very secretive, she may not even consider her behaviour disordered at this stage or be aware shes restricting. I think all you can do is support her, keep offering her healthy meals and snacks, be a shoulder to cry on

OMG, down the loo, so sad - and so possible for many to be doing.

Well done to you. I am SO proud of you all amazing parents who have supported your children through an ED. It sounds so hard. And I'm still hope it's not quite me, but it is definitely unclear as of yet.

After skipping breakfast today and sneaking out of the house to walk 8k steps in my absence, she ate a decent roast lunch with ice cream pudding; then went to the shops with her sister but found them closed and somehow they ended up in Waitrose sharing a meal deal and a big chocolate bar. So a decent amount of food today.

We chatted a bit after lunch and my husband calmly told her she will not be going back to uni after the Easter break if there is an issue with her health as we cannot take the risk of her getting worse. She knew we were serious and it seemed to calmly shock her. Hopefully it's had an impact, and I'm praying this is all starting to push her in a direction where she will be less tempted to mess with her system and deprive it of what it needs.

I also reminded her (thank you, PP) that her brain is still developing until 25 yo and that her beloved Maths will be out of reach for a brain that' can't work well.

We shall see about dinner when she comes back, she's out with friends 30 min away but not drinking as she's driving.

She has actually said she'd like me with her at her GP appointment, which will now happen on Wednesday, so at least I will be able to check how honest she's being!

Thank you, everyone.

You are all incredible.

I so hope to get back to you with some good news.