AIBU to worry my daughter may be developing an eating disorder?

[ShouldIworryornot]

Sorry, long, head not in right place right now, can’t work out what’s relevant and what’s not 😥.

My 18yo daughter left home for uni in September, she’s loving it, doing well academically and enjoying the newfound friendships as well as hobbies and societies. Up to Xmas, all perfect.

Then a long stretch came of 3 months when we didn’t see her other than online and not much. I did notice she looked slimmer in the very odd pic she’d sent thru.

Then at the end of March she called me crying her eyes out (for over two hours), very anxious (never ever been anxious before), saying she’d been eating little since Xmas and running lots and lost 7kg in 3 months, (claimed 1,400 kcal, only 2 meals à day) and that it had been really hard she was very worried she’d gain the weight back if she stopped and how to avoid that happening.

Luckily she was coming home 3 days later, when we went away skiing, whereupon I could see she was avoiding calories as much as she could, would choose a lunch of salad w feta despite it being cold and skiing 4 hours a day. Would then play pádel after that on 2/5 days, and went running before skiing on another one. She ate normal dinners which I cooked at least, and the odd pudding.

Back home now and she continues to run every day and eat as little as she can get away with, although not alarmingly little but I suspect underfuelling; I wake up thinking about this, torn between trying to gather more data and rushing to do sth about it asap. She confirmed she did not gain any weight while away, unsurprisingly.

She’s 165cm tall and has gone from 59kg to 52kg. Says 51kg would make her underweight and she doesn’t want that. She looks slimmer that she used to, obviously, but not unwell; apparently hated being “not big but with a tummy”.

Today she walked 10k steps and run 7k. she ate 2 eggs for breakfast, no bread; pea soup w à slice of bread for lunch, 2 kiwis as she says she’s constipated; 6 Itsu gyoza w undressed salad for dinner, insisting she’d snacked on chocolate before dinner and wasn’t hungry, tho no one saw that.

For all I know, I could be staring at a huge ED developing in front of my very eyes. But she says she’s v happy and I mustn’t worry because weight matters 7/10 to her but health matters 10/10 and she is not ill.

YABU: she’s is just working out how to be slim n fitter than ever like she’s working out a lot else right now.

YANBU: get her help NOW (but what? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?)

If anyone has been thru this, please tell me honestly if you think EDs are in fact stoppable? One friend confided recently she saw EVERY sign in her daughter from day 1 and was still unable to stop it, child now in hospital due to low weight.

OMG for background I have always been overweight to obese, and worried about health with a horrendous perimenopause that has rendered me prediabetic. This is all absolutely my fault. I’ve always said to her I didn’t know that being overweight could make me so unwell and was naïve to ignore it until my 50s. I thought I was helping her avoid my fate, but instead I’ve given her an ED, haven’t I?

tx so much, how did your daughter get better?

Speaking as someone who is 165cm tall and dropped to 50kg at university I would not worry too much. She is eating and exercising. Perhaps, as she can now regulate what she eats, she has decided she does not want to end up like her mother?
I am now 67 and around 62kg. Can wear clothes I bought over 30 years ago, but only eat 1 meal a day, as I recognise that I do not need 3 square meals a day. Perhaps you should consider this? Your behaviour could cause an ED though, if you constantly hark on about eating.

I worked with young people with ED and i’d say the obsession around how many steps/runs every day ( so no rest days), how many calories she eats, minimal food for the activity levels she has. Messaging you about it all. It’s disordered and could easily lean down the ED path.

There’s a shift towards very skinny amongst many celebs again and with the increase of use of GLP1 so young people are being more bombarded with that image than in recent years. ( Bit like the 90s and early 20s)

Please also note when reading this thread there is plenty of disordered eating advice and obsessions with being low BMI on this site.

Thank you for your honesty. Yes, I do hark on about eating, but thought I was educating them. I read somewhere we all screw up our children in one way or another. I remember it often.

How has your general health been? Have you always eaten only one meal a day and has that affected your social life? I worry about that for her too.

I think saying ‘you could cause an eating disorder’ is harsh given the OP’s evident concern for her daughter. Obviously some people will lose weight at uni and it be fine and not a sign of a problem but imo her DD is experiencing disordered eating. Having seen two school friends hospitalised for an ED it can develop very quickly and I think the OP is right to act.

I developed anorexia at your daughter's age @ShouldIworryornot . It started with just minor changes to my diet, shaving off snacks, reducing portion size, tying food to exercise (as in, if I eat this, I have to do that). etc etc. And obviously I was "fine" when anyone asked. At BMI 14, I was still "fine", and couldn't possibly be anorexic because I was too fat.

Not saying your daughter is anorexic, and unfortunately I don't know what could be done to stop it if she was, but I wouldn't trust what she says about how she is, or what she eats. Unfortunately, anorexia makes people lie through their teeth. It's also very very difficult to recover from, and many people never do.

I don't mean to worry you. You sound like a lovely, supportive mum with an open relationship with your daughter. I didn't have any of that, and I think anorexia often arises from fairly profound adversity in childhood (may be wrong about that - but was the case for me, and what I mean is if your daughter has a loving, safe, honest relationship with you, this may be a bit of over-eager "healthy living" which will pass. But it could develop into something really serious, so just be aware, be open with her, and maybe, if you think it's necessary, look into some private therapy earlier rather than later?)

She opened up to me luckily and I persuaded her to also talk to her siblings. Then she stopped the punishing exercise routines and slowly started to eat three proper meals a day. Unfortunately, she did like being very slender and had bought some tiny clothes that she had to give away. It took a while, but she understood that it was not natural for her and that it's better to be happy and healthy than super slender.
She's an adult now and eats well and believes that people should just do the sports they enjoy ... not punishing stuff. I think that's a good philosophy.

Please, please take care who you take advice from on here. As a previous poster has pointed out, there are lots of posters on here with disordered eating and an unhealthy attitude to food and weight.

You will not give your daughter an eating disorder by addressing the worrying behaviours you have noticed. Eating disorders thrive in secrecy. You don't have to be underweight to have one and the longer you wait to address it the harder it will be for her.

Please don’t blame yourself for anything that happens here. If it is anorexia it is a horrible illness and nobody’s fault. Bless you for caring for her OP

Hi OP, I'm sorry but this really does sound like an emerging ED if not a full blown ED which is cleverly being masked. The preoccupation with kcal and steps, the focus on having a flat tummy and being slim, the increased running, the increased anxiety, the weight loss, the being in denial and telling you not to worry. These are all symptoms of an ED. Whether orthorexia or anorexia, it doesn't matter what you call it, an ED is an ED. Often ED's will flit from one type of ED to another i.e from binge eating to restriction. Can't remember if you said, how much weight has she lost and in what time frame?

Ahh I've just reread she's lost 7kg in 3 months. This is not super rapid, but still at her age she shouldn't be losing weight. She's still growing and developing. Her brain is still in development for the next 5-10 years. I would recommend seeking help via GP as sooner you can nip in it the bud the better. See if she'll agree to a blood test to check she isn't deficient in anything and blood pressure check. GP can get an accurate ht and wt also. If she is resistant to help, maybe watch and wait. If she's saying she wants to maintain her weight, let's see if she can. Give it a month or two and see how she goes. With an ED it can quickly spiral and people can become acutely unwell quickly so this is something to be aware of. With the amount she is running and little she is eating, her heart will be under huge strain.

This sounds like she has already developed an ED - sorry op.

I would get her to a Dr, she needs bloods, an ecg and a BP and pulse check. It’s really hard when they turn 18 as the support for adults is not as good (ime) as for kids.

The exercise has to stop and she needs 3 meals and 3 snacks a day.

This is pro anorexic and dangerous advice.

Op please do not take advice from posters who have an ED.

This sounds like an ED to me as well, or disordered eating that could easily tip over the edge. And I'm sorry @edwinbear, but your assertion that the above mentioned day of food sounds normal is alarming unless you have no idea how many calories are in things? Even if it was double the calcs below, it's not enough to sustain a healthy 18 year old, especially when she's also doing a lot of exercise.

Estimated total: ~620–720 calories
Breakdown

• 2 eggs — ~140 calories (About 70 each when cooked without added fat)
• Pea soup (1 bowl) — ~150–220 calories Depends on whether it’s homemade or shop‑bought; most portions fall in this range.
• Slice of bread — ~80–100 calories (Lower for thin sliced, higher for sourdough or seeded)
• 2 kiwis — ~80 calories (Roughly 40 each)
• 6 Itsu gyoza — ~180 calories (Most Itsu gyoza are 28–35 calories each depending on the filling)
• Undressed salad — ~20 calories (Leafy greens, cucumber, tomatoes etc. are very low‑cal)

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you, but please read the posts from people who are also advising to tread carefully. There are a lot of women on this app in denial that have a bad relationship to food and their weight.

I don't think that poster was being honest. They were making digs at you and bragging about little they eat. That's not advise I'd want to be taking when concerned about a teenager with a possible ED

My experience at university was a lot of my friends/coursemates were very competitive with undereating. There was a lot of excitement about being able to control our intake finally, a lot of supporting each other in how to eat as little as possible. Your DDs intake is exactly the type of diet we would have eaten. It was, in hindsight, absolutely very disordered eating although fortunately not full blown anorexia for me at least. It is very hard to break disordered eating habits once they start

There are definite red flags around your DDs intake. A lack of proper meals, high levels of recorded excercise with a lack of appropriate fuel, anxiety around weight gain. I would be worried

Agree. My daughter had orthorexia but all ok now but still doesn’t particularly like food…definitely an ordeal for her eating out etc .

May I ask what helped your daughter recover?

By way of update, she had a tiny breakfast of a couple of pieces of apple with peanut butter on top, and then played nearly 2 hours of tennis. For lunch she had an undressed cucumber salad with some sliced chicken. She went out for a sushi dinner with her younger sister which is light food, unsure how much she ate, but of course is running Park Run in the morning.

i will talk to her sister tomorrow and find out more but I can’t now as they’re sharing a bedroom. I saw from their location driving back home that they stopped at a petrol station; I’d filled up her car so, like I never thought, I’m praying they stopped to buy treats, which would be unhealthy but some calories at least.

I am going to make sure she sees our GP on Wednesday and I will report back.

Thank you SO MUCH, everyone.

She went running while in a snowy ski resort? That’s just dangerous.

If you can get her to speak to a therapist who specialises in EDs for some guidance then I would. They’re very insidious.

Only reacted with a heart as a thank you. Obviously heartbreaking to read this. You sound medically trained. Are you able to tell me more? Going to be a long wait until Wednesday. Luckily the GP is a family friend and thinks she should see us both so hopefully I will acquire some new info, as of course, being 18, I can’t be informed of anything, correct?

@ShouldIworryornot I am medically trained (nurse) but my experience of teens with ED unfortunately comes from first hand experience. My dd developed anorexia when she was 14yo, she’s 20yo now and recovered but it’s been a rocky road to get here.

Anorexia is caused by weight loss, it’s also primarily a genetic and biological illness. Knowing this is helpful as it helps you understand that the cure is food and regaining weight.

It is also worth knowing that the brain takes a massive hit when teens lose weight so a lot of the anxiety and behaviours are linked to this, this will naturally improve when weight goes back on.

The charity BEAT is quite good for information.

You need to start with checking your dd is medically stable so she needs to see a Dr ASAP.

There is a caring for young people with EDs thread that is full of parents who have been exactly where you are now, it’s a very supportive thread.

But yes at 18yo your dd will be treated as an adult and she will have to consent to sharing information with you.

The university might be helpful to talk to?

We were staying 30 min down the mountain in a lovely village, no snow there.

She just did Park Run. Personal best, 22 min. She’s beaming. I’m really not. She won’t even consider a snack afterwards. This is hard.

That's a lot of focus, and a lot of exercise.

7kg in 3 months is rapid weight loss.
Whereas my 10k steps is functional as part of a commute, hers is intentional as part of a daily training regime of what seems to be compulsive exercise.

And although she may eat what is cooked for her, she typically eats meals she prepares for herself which appear to be very low calorie.
Being a similar BMI, I would expect her to have an intake of 2000 calories per day with her level of exercise, whereas the intake you have described is in the 800-1000 calorie zone, which is a substantial calorie deficit.

I think your instincts are correct, and this does indicate disordered eating. She needs to see a GP for assessment but is legally an adult and can't be forced. But you can still set the appointment and encourage her to attend. PP have given excellent advice on some of the steps that can be taken.

The desire to exercise increases with weight loss, there’s a theory that the brain releases hormones to increase the desire to move as historically humans would have to migrate to somewhere with more food.

Your dd sounds very ill op, there’s a real risk her heart could already be struggling.

Hi everyone.

HQ have kindly moved this thread over from AIBU.

I just spoke to my daughter about her heart rate as she’s mentioned in the past that it’s got slower because she’s got fitter. Of course I was asking because I’m worried on reading your replies. Her resting heart rate was in the 60s last year. She started running in November 25, dieting in January 26, and it’s now been only 44 on average for a month.

I have googled and it says that is brachicardia likely to need immediate investigation. She is seeing her GP on Tuesday, doesn’t want to discuss weight but is happy to discuss her heart rate. Is it OK to wait or is this A&E material?

She says she feels fine and zero symptoms and this is def not an emergency tho needs checking.

Any thoughts, pls, especially from any medically trained posters?

TIA