AIBU to worry my daughter may be developing an eating disorder?

[ShouldIworryornot]

Sorry, long, head not in right place right now, can’t work out what’s relevant and what’s not 😥.

My 18yo daughter left home for uni in September, she’s loving it, doing well academically and enjoying the newfound friendships as well as hobbies and societies. Up to Xmas, all perfect.

Then a long stretch came of 3 months when we didn’t see her other than online and not much. I did notice she looked slimmer in the very odd pic she’d sent thru.

Then at the end of March she called me crying her eyes out (for over two hours), very anxious (never ever been anxious before), saying she’d been eating little since Xmas and running lots and lost 7kg in 3 months, (claimed 1,400 kcal, only 2 meals à day) and that it had been really hard she was very worried she’d gain the weight back if she stopped and how to avoid that happening.

Luckily she was coming home 3 days later, when we went away skiing, whereupon I could see she was avoiding calories as much as she could, would choose a lunch of salad w feta despite it being cold and skiing 4 hours a day. Would then play pádel after that on 2/5 days, and went running before skiing on another one. She ate normal dinners which I cooked at least, and the odd pudding.

Back home now and she continues to run every day and eat as little as she can get away with, although not alarmingly little but I suspect underfuelling; I wake up thinking about this, torn between trying to gather more data and rushing to do sth about it asap. She confirmed she did not gain any weight while away, unsurprisingly.

She’s 165cm tall and has gone from 59kg to 52kg. Says 51kg would make her underweight and she doesn’t want that. She looks slimmer that she used to, obviously, but not unwell; apparently hated being “not big but with a tummy”.

Today she walked 10k steps and run 7k. she ate 2 eggs for breakfast, no bread; pea soup w à slice of bread for lunch, 2 kiwis as she says she’s constipated; 6 Itsu gyoza w undressed salad for dinner, insisting she’d snacked on chocolate before dinner and wasn’t hungry, tho no one saw that.

For all I know, I could be staring at a huge ED developing in front of my very eyes. But she says she’s v happy and I mustn’t worry because weight matters 7/10 to her but health matters 10/10 and she is not ill.

YABU: she’s is just working out how to be slim n fitter than ever like she’s working out a lot else right now.

YANBU: get her help NOW (but what? Psychologist? Psychiatrist?)

If anyone has been thru this, please tell me honestly if you think EDs are in fact stoppable? One friend confided recently she saw EVERY sign in her daughter from day 1 and was still unable to stop it, child now in hospital due to low weight.

OMG for background I have always been overweight to obese, and worried about health with a horrendous perimenopause that has rendered me prediabetic. This is all absolutely my fault. I’ve always said to her I didn’t know that being overweight could make me so unwell and was naïve to ignore it until my 50s. I thought I was helping her avoid my fate, but instead I’ve given her an ED, haven’t I?

My dd is able to eat well with others, especially her peers… that is as long as they’re her support structure, rather than also friends, who are competitively undereating. I got overly excited at the thought my dd could do this by herself at the start. So do be aware of this trap.

Haven’t rtft but I work in eating disorders and had my own for 25 years and there are red flags all over this. The ED can be very clever and convince you nothing’s wrong and it’s all under control. I did the same at 16 and then battled a horrific ED for 25 years. I wish my parents had been more vigilant and stepped in, although I was very, very convincing nothing was wrong. this allowed the ED to become deeply imbedded and it took over my life. I’m still suffering the repercussions in some ways.

I would absolutely not take your eye off the ball with this and suggest contacting BEAT and/or your GP for advice.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/going-to-the-doctor/

this should help with your GP appt. Well done getting that in

I'm so sorry you went thru all that, tx for posting.
She's come back from being out w friends and made herself a chicken, chorizo, lettuce, cottage cheese and mayo sandwich on two slices of sourdough. I nearly fell off my chair.
Is this real?! Anyone know if people with ED will do this sometimes, eat a great sandwich as if nothing is the matter? I just can't quite believe it.

It’s common when the ED is called out for the sufferer to up the intake to try and get you to back off. I would keep a close eye on her, ultimately she’s going to need to regain the weight she has lost which will be a slow process.

Also be vigilant for signs of purging.

Yes, do not be fooled. She will not be able to sustain this. This is the ED just trying to get you to back off. It will strike back with a vengeance once you’re not in sight.

My dd fooled the psychiatrist at CAMHS that she was fine. CAMHS offered no help and I could see the situation was becoming life threateningly urgent.

Basically, I got an ED coach on board privately and when we next went to CAMHS, dd had been eating the 3 full meals, 3 full snacks for 3.5 weeks, 2 of them on holiday with a friend, who was excellent at getting her to eat. Dd told the psychiatrist she was fine and the stupid woman told dd that she doesn’t have an ED.

That was the end of August 2024. I spent the next 4 months getting dd back on board with the process. Dd is still very very far from recovered and we are still under the care of the coach.

Good point about purging. Common as a way of fooling loved ones. Basically the reasoning being you’ll eat what they want you to eat then you get rid of it. And also be vigilant that she’s not taking food to her room and disposing of it in freezer / sandwich bags, which she can bin while out or flushing it down the loo.

Wow and OMG. 😓

I agree that you should be vigilant and it's possible that she might be purging or pulling the wool over your eyes. But it's also possible that this hearty sandwich is a sign that she has listened to you and the rest of your family and she's going to stop the extreme diet. I hope so!

That's what happened with my daughter.

It’s so hard because she says she is def not losing any weight at all anymore so why should she eat more and I don’t have an answer. Says her approach is to eat when she’s hungry and to walk 20k steps a day.
She does not look any thinner tbh.
Argh. Should I just weigh her? WWYD?

The thing is anorexic people lie, she might even believe it herself. Can you get advice from the Dr what to do or Beat?

I had a friend who suffered and the lengths they went to hide things were astonishing.

The 20k steps and restricting what she eats is classic ED red flag, which has been mentioned already. When the body goes into deficit, some people have an uncontrollable biological urge to move. This was what kept us alive when we were a nomadic people, having the urge to move long distances to find food.

She’s not ok. No one eats nothing, goes on a run then eats a few hundred calories in a day, then just eats ‘normally’ for a couple of days and ‘recovers’ from the restrictive eating.

So yes, get her to weigh herself. But do ensure she doesn’t put heavy stuff in pockets or guzzles down a couple of litres of water to make herself weigh more and throw you off the scent.

I drafted this yesterday on a diff machine and just noticed I hadn't posted it.

Tx for that.

Gosh. If ED can fool a psychiatrist, I'm not sure what kind of a chance do any of us stand? Literally, how oh how am I going to help this child. Yes, I know she's 18, but she's still my child. Trying to keep calm until GP appointment on Weds and finish my university assignments because I fear the weight of the world is about to fall on everyone's shoulders in this family.

Adding for today:
She had 3 different coffees this morning, iced, hazelnut latte and turmeric latte, before and after a job interview that went well, but no food until 2pm which was a salad with cottage cheese, chicken and tzatziki. My younger daughter saw it but I can't be sure how big it was. She went out to a friend's house but I don't know if she ate anything. She's about to have tacos with mince and salad for dinner. Not masses of food but at least she's not exercising.

I am full of admiration and have no idea how you all cope. I guess I might find out. 😔

Be vigilant for any ED behaviours i.e laxative use. Coffee can sometimes have a laxative effect, and people with ED's will deliberately try and drink lots. It can also have a water loading effect, so drinking fluids (not necessarily coffee but any fluids) in excess in order to suppress appetite so the belly feels full. ED's are a very sneaky illness, its important to remember that it is not your DD lying or being deceptive, it's the illness. I really hope she gets the help she needs, and it's great she clearly has a very supportive mother who seems to be on it. Many ED's will go on unnoticed for 5, 10 years, the fact you have raised concerns early on will give her the best chance of recovery ❤️

I know it can feel very overwhelming and lots of scary posts on here - nobody wants to scare you, but EDs can be alarmingly manipulative (important to separate ED from your child). It’s a very difficult position to be in as a parent. What support are you getting? I suggest looking at beat website (supporting someone else section) there are loads of links on there with advice, or call the helpline. You can do this 💪

The bodywhys podcast is also an amazing resource, and Jenny Langley

Coffee is used to lose weight, green tea is another common one.

The caffeine will be putting further stress on her heart as well.

My dd always ate at least 1000 calories a day, even when she was at the height of her illness, it’s a misconception that anorexics don’t eat anything. At 1000 calories a day my dd was very ill, loosing weight, periods stopped, hair falling out, cold all the time etc.

Please make sure the dr takes your concerns seriously, your dd needs all the physical checks.

Not eating until after the job interview will have been so that your dd could perform. This Ted Talk explains what goes on inside the brain of an anorexic once they’ve eaten, the noise. Ddf

Notice when your dd did eat, she chose not to eat any carb. Cottage cheese and chicken are both low in fat. Idk how much tzazaki she ate or if it was full fat. She also ate salad / lettuce twice, which is diet food. The only carb she did eat, unless she ate with her friend, was taco shell. That’s really not enough. And my go to would be to presume she isn’t eating elsewhere if you don’t see it. On the positive side, she is still eating meat. Turning vegetarian is not uncommon as another form of restricting intake. As for my dd, she is mostly honest about what she eats, if she will tell me. As she’s getting older she’s less tolerant to telling me. It is very rare to be able to trust what an anorexic tells you about their eating. Dd is neurodivergent, which makes a difference.

Be a little curious about what she did with her friend yesterday. Ask how her friend was etc. And if they managed to have something to eat. She may lie through her teeth. Do you know her friend well btw? If you do, you could ask her friend.

And what was this job interview for? If it’s anything physical, she will shred weight if restricting her intake. Once my dd is busy, eating is the first thing to go. She isn’t ready for a job. I used to tell her she couldn’t have one but at 17, she is highly reactive to being told what to do. She’s not ready for one so isn’t seeking but has my permission to do so. With your dd, it’s trickier. She’s lived away for several months.

As for the psychiatrist, who didn’t pick up on dd’s eating, she was pretty crap. And dd didn’t fit nicely into a box. That shouldn’t have happened, because the woman should have been more inquisitive or asked the right questions. This is the NHS, which likes to put people in boxes. And your dd would be under adult services. From what I’ve read on here, which makes sense as they’re treating adults, they emphasise autonomy, no parental intervention. So no family based treatment. FBT is parents / carers taking control of eating and eating family meals, supervision, ED sufferers not being allowed in the kitchen whilst meals are prepared. At 18, I would most definitely be looking at FBT.

I'm a bit worried about your DH saying "You won't be going back to university if..." How is that his choice?? She's an adult. I'm just wondering hearing that snapshot if he is part of the reason she is controlling her food so closely, so she feels she can exert some control over her life. "We would prefer you to stay at home while you sort out your health, as we are very concerned..." is surely a better way to phrase it.

That's a very light diet, when you remember that it was literally two eggs and nothing else - that's only about 140 cals - and lunch was soup with one slice of bread. The gyoza are only around 50 cals. I would be surprised if the food described above is as much as 800 cals, which is less than half the recommended daily calories for an adult woman. And then, bear in mind that she is exercising a lot, too.

OP, it does sound as if she's developed/is developing a problem, but since she's an adult, there's not much you can do about it. You could point out the risk of osteoporosis if she doesn't get enough calcium. Maybe encourage her to take a multi-vitamin.

And no, you did not give her an eating disorder. People have to be prone to them for that to happen. My exH harangued me relentlessly about my weight for years and eventually left me over it. He also modelled very unhealthy eating habits himself. I never caught a single one of them, and now - as during those years - I eat a regular three meals a day. When I say he was extreme, I mean it - sometimes he would take a week off work and eat and drink nothing but water for SEVEN DAYS. Despite intense pressure, I never did develop an eating disorder. It's not something you can induce in others if the propensity isn't there. In fact, research says that anorexia has a very strong genetic component. That doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be in her family somewhere; new genetic things can happen in foetuses.

It must be extremely worrying for you, especially as she's legally an adult. Maybe you could make a lot of pointed remarks about how it's who you are inside that counts, not what you look like.

The control thing has no evidence behind it, the ED controls the sufferer not the other way round.

I think laying out the reality of what starvation means is a good thing. Life stops unless you eat 🤷‍♀️

Agreed about the intake requirements and she’s barely an adult. Teens need more. Older teen females exercising intensively will need at least 2600 a day just for weight maintenance. And if she has an ED, which sounds suspiciously like it could be the case, considerably more because she will need to put all of the lost weight back on. And to truly recover, 10% more is the goal…

I don’t agree that op can’t do much about it though. She’s only 18. Parents still have a fair amount of influence at this age.

I’m sorry this must be very scary for you.

I went through the exact same thing at her age, became obsessed with exercise/calorie counting/pro ana websites. As I was away at uni I had the freedom to go wild with it.

I know my mum did try to send me for counselling at one point for anxiety and I was put on citralopram for that. I’m not really sure how much it helped.

I recovered from the worst of it after uni when I moved back home, had to get a job and I guess didn’t have the time for endless exercise. And I liked food!

I would suggest speaking to a healthcare professional for advice if she becomes underweight. But it could just be a phase, I think lots of girls that age struggle. One of the best things you can do is just be there for her.

Sending best wishes to you both

Mummyoflittledragon · Today 11:24
ForCosyLion · Today 06:10

"I don’t agree that op can’t do much about it though. She’s only 18. Parents still have a fair amount of influence at this age."

Thanks for that, makes me just a bit more depressed. With 2 daughters with ED, one who I only managed once to take to the gp where she had some bloods.
The other agreed to camhs, but at 16 did not give permission for them to share anything with me.

Once at uni it becomes even more difficult.

Sorry, don't mean to sound rude, but not feeling well at the moment, and with sleepless nights it gets a bit much.
Time to leave MN. Sometimes it has been very useful , previous poster on one of the threads told me of a voluntary ED service, and dd has finally managed to make contact.

They can still have a lot of influence, absolutely. I really meant there's not much the parents can do in a legal sense. As in, they can't have her admitted to a treatment centre like they would be able to if she was 15, or be part of all the appointments without her permission.