Dd (20) with binge eating disorder returning home next month

[Tomatosoupandbread]

My 20 year old dd has binge eating disorder. Currently she comes home Friday-Sunday and is at uni the rest of the time. She finishes her course next month and will be home until she restarts in October. She has admitted that part of the reason she comes home is because she can’t afford to feed herself full time.

I’m so worried about how I am going to afford her being home full time. I shopped yesterday and she has already eaten the majority of it. 3 packets of biscuits, a multipack of crisps, 2 blocks of cheese, a loaf of bread, a jar of Nutella, a bag of mini eggs, a chocolate bunny, her sister’s chocolate bunny, 6 litres of Diet Coke, 2 punnets of grapes, a punnet of raspberries, a punnet of blueberries and a box of cereal. In less than 24 hours on top of meals. I can’t afford to replace it and so her younger dd and I have no treats or fruit for the rest of the week, and as it is half term younger dd is home all week. My older dd will not accept help as she doesn’t see it as a problem. It was bad before she left for uni, but this is a whole new realm of intensity. I try to shop at Costco to make sure that we have enough volume of food in so that the younger dd and myself get some of it, but that doesn’t always happen. Has anyone got any advice?

She is seriously mentally ill.

The OP needs to protect herself and her young child from the effects of her adult daughter's illness and addiction. An adult woman is not willing to engage with help and is thieving from her own family and being abusive. If it was prescription drug abuse what would people say? The child needs to be safeguarded here.

I had bulimia at that age. People saying stop buying treats don’t understand.

Dm stopped buying biscuits/ treats. I ate the cereal instead.
She stopped buying cereal, I’d eat, toast, bread and cheese instead.
She stopped buying bread and cheese, I’d make up huge bowls of pasta with butter.
Id eat anything. Even dried milk. It’s not the food available, it’s the eating that’s the issue.

She hasn't developed a liking for junk food. She has a dangerous eating disorder which is a mental illness.

Your younger child must be your priority.

so a frank conversation- she accesses treatment and engages with it, she sees doctor and dentist regularly, or she doesn’t live in your house. Tell her that her behaviour is negatively effecting you and her sister so you can’t support her to continue to have an eating disorder, you can only support her to recover from it. If she’s not ready to try to recover, then she can’t live with you.

That reinforces the message that she is less important than her younger sister which is going to make her MH worse not better

Of course a small child should be prioritised over an adult woman. She's not more important but the parent has a greater responsibility towards her.

She’s an adult, who won’t engage with help, and has already moved out. It is damaging for children to live with adults with eating disorders. The younger child should be protected.

moving back in should be with the condition of accessing and engaging with professional help.

OP - where’s dad in all this? Is there another adult who can also help?

I agree that engaging with help should be a condition of living at home.

This is exactly what it is like to have a binge eating disorder, or bulimia. People do not understand. It's a serious mental illness which needs mental health treatment. Not just banning things

I can binge on Huel. I've eaten sticks of chalk if there's no food in the house. Walked to the 24 hour filling station to get chocolate. People just don't get it.

I am just posting, OP, to say you are not alone. My son (early twenties) has a serious eating disorder compounded by other mental health issues and also certain neurodivergence (currently waiting for assessment). To add to the complexity, I also had a similar ED in my youth, so I have experienced a few painful reflections.

I do not have the solution, I am still trying to find ways to help and support him. However I will say this.

1: Bulimia/BED (and this sounds much more like bulimia) presents a little like an addiction. Indeed, I used to tell people that I was 'addicted' to food, and they would laugh stating that we all are. Yet, the addiction means that even if you were to lock the cupboards and fridges or keep next to nothing in the house, the individual would find something to eat e.g. eating out of dustbins, coercing or stealing money to buy food and so on.
2 The financial cost of bulimia is not mentioned often, but it is huge. My son, when he has had access to cash, can spend £100 or more on a binge. What is more, the food that he has eaten from the cupboard or fridge also has to be replaced.
3 The ED can take over, and perhaps more so if it is combined with other MH issues. In many ways the ED is a coping mechanism (a negative one) and the individual can escape into the world of just eating and vomiting, focusing on body shape, dropping with exhaustion. It takes over everything. My son is isolated and prior to the ED he was avoidant, now with the ED, he rationalises his avoidance ('How can I work, Mum, when I cannot even control what I eat?). His rationalisation is not a way of 'opting out', it is a way of hiding a terrific and fundamental anxiety about commitment, engagement, just being.
4 Whilst Anorexia Nervosa has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses, bulimia can also be fatal. I suspect many of the deaths from this disorder are not attributed to bulimia but rather to heart failure or suicide. My son has already damaged his heart.
5 On a more positive note, when I had this disorder (and it did not even have a name back in those days. It was 'anorexia' because I was horribly emaciated), there was little understanding and little compassion. My family could not cope with me, and it was not good for me to be at home. I ended up in various homes for people with mental health issues (after spending a lot of time in hospital). However, although the homes left a lot to be desired, eventually, I stayed in contact with my family, and, after many years, I recovered. Part of the recovery involved finding something that gave me a little self esteem.

If your daughter will not engage with anything, then this may be seen as self neglect. I initiated a carers assessment under the Care Act 2014 for myself. This made my distress known. Later, I contacted the social worker who conducted the assessment and we raised a safeguarding issue about my son. It only resulted in a couple of formal meetings, but it made agencies more aware of the situation.

Finally, I will perhaps go a little against the grain here. Bulimia arises from a dark place and it makes the individual feel terrible (ashamed, a failure, disgusted). The individual is well aware of the effect they have on others, and often (after the incident) really regrets what they have done. Try to remain open and understanding.

Yet, the reason, I would advocate for trying to work with your daughter to find help and supportive accommodation is because bulimia nervosa is hell to live with. For example, when I go out for any time, I take the ingredients for my main meal with me in a back pack, just so I know there will be something for me to eat when I get back home. Obviously, you cannot do that for the whole family. We had to get a larger dustbin from the council, due to the enormous amount of rubbish the binges created. My son has been known to take money or my card without permission, so I keep that close to me. I live in constant fear for his life and finally, bulimia keeps him stuck, he needs a team around him to help him move forward.