Dd (20) with binge eating disorder returning home next month

[Tomatosoupandbread]

My 20 year old dd has binge eating disorder. Currently she comes home Friday-Sunday and is at uni the rest of the time. She finishes her course next month and will be home until she restarts in October. She has admitted that part of the reason she comes home is because she can’t afford to feed herself full time.

I’m so worried about how I am going to afford her being home full time. I shopped yesterday and she has already eaten the majority of it. 3 packets of biscuits, a multipack of crisps, 2 blocks of cheese, a loaf of bread, a jar of Nutella, a bag of mini eggs, a chocolate bunny, her sister’s chocolate bunny, 6 litres of Diet Coke, 2 punnets of grapes, a punnet of raspberries, a punnet of blueberries and a box of cereal. In less than 24 hours on top of meals. I can’t afford to replace it and so her younger dd and I have no treats or fruit for the rest of the week, and as it is half term younger dd is home all week. My older dd will not accept help as she doesn’t see it as a problem. It was bad before she left for uni, but this is a whole new realm of intensity. I try to shop at Costco to make sure that we have enough volume of food in so that the younger dd and myself get some of it, but that doesn’t always happen. Has anyone got any advice?

Oh wow no, I wouldn't entertain this. I have 4 and they eat an insane amount but if one of them was leaving the rest of the family without it would be stopped. I think it's even worse that she's doing this as an adult. She doesn't see it as a problem as it's not her money she's spending. You need to stop facilitating so that she can see it very much is a problem.

It's not as easy as putting a stop to it. This is not a case of greed. It is a severe mental illness as serious (if not more so) than anorexia.

She needs URGENT medical help

How does she fund her disorder when she is at uni?

Keep stuff locked in the boot of your car.

Good point. Does she steal from her housemates too?

@Fayrazzled yes, you're right. Addiction is an illness. I wouldn't supply an addict with heroin, either...

You've had some good advice OP. Look at it like alcoholism. You wouldn't buy wine and spirits and leave them there. It's not a willpower thing, her brain has done a number on her and she feels compelled to eat. Likely using food like a drug to sedate, as others have said. It could be trauma or it could be a lifelong habit of using food when bored, tired, sad, tired etc. She's eating her feelings and needs help to try and get on top of this. She doesn't show remorse because she's probably full of shame over it all. I'd sit down and come up with a plan together and ask her what would help. She's obviously diagnosed as you've used the term, so surely she and you have been given some advice?

I would consider myself a sugar addict and a binge eater and I can tell you having it out of sight out of mind does make a difference. I also leave my bank card at home sometimes when I'm in a bad place. It helps. She is likely also feeling physically awful, energy is low and all that crap effects mental health too, on top of the ED.

The other thing is that food addiction gets worse and worse as you need more and more to get a 'hit', hence the huge volumes being inhaled. I used to wonder how people could have a cup of tea and a biscuits and appear satisfied. I'd have the pack gone in minutes. V glad to be in a much better place.

No, neither would I. But one of the things that make eating disorders so difficult, is that one does have to eat to survive and there is a constant supply of food everywhere. Your reply 'it would be stopped' is a little glib. Like insisting that if you were the parent of an anorexic, 'I'd just insist they ate.' If only eating disorders were so easily treated.

The responses here are interesting. I think more of the responses would have been kind and supportive and the OP been saying her daughter was anorexic. But because she is bulimic there is an underlying assumption that she is greedy/lacking in willpower. There does not seem to be the recognition from some posters that this is a serious mental illness.

I agree with this. My ED psychiatrist said it is not a question of willpower, it is biology

If the woman is not ready to recognise she has a problem and seek help then is it a good idea for her to stay where someone else will keep buying food for her to take? If she needs to work and buy her own food, or ask for it in normal quantities at community pantries then she may hit bottom sooner and realise she needs help.

OP have you sought any professional help at all? I understand your DD isn't ready to engage, but you can get a lot of support in how to manage things.

Do you have any knowledge or experience of eating disorders because your comments suggest not.

I'm assuming she's looked for some support if she has a diagnosis... Agree completely with Fay and Jaffa.

I think she does, but proper help for bulimia isn’t always available. This really is an excellent book that will help op and her dd understand the illness and what’s necessary to treat it.

I agree that it is better than nothing but it didn’t help me. I eventually sought help from a private consultant psychiatrist specialising in Eating Disorders. I recognise that I am fortunate to be able to afford to access this help as I’m sure I wouldn’t meet the thresholds for NHS MH support these days.

Yes, first hand experience. Living with someone who keeps supplying her will not help.

I agree that the OP should stop buying junk food but I don’t agree that chucking out her DD will help her.

@Fayrazzled of course it would be stopped. I can't afford that amount of food, and the op stated she can't, either-and her other child is going without food! This poor kid needs help, not enabling.

It was my understanding that she mostly lives near where she studies. If she is able to stay there, work there, and visit the OP a weekend or two a month then that seems a better situation to me.

Even the current weekend situation doesn't sound good, I wouldn't have thought most students are home every single weekend, it sounds like she is using the OP for free food.

If there are treats in the house I will eat them all in one go and the scale of my issue is much smaller than your DD's. I manage the issue by not buying any snacks at all. You need to stop having snacks in the house. Take your younger DD out for treats.

She's going to lose her teeth at the rate she's purging - you sound like you are a bit of a soft touch - firmer action definitely needed and help with her mental health as well

She's an addict and a thief. It is very sad and she needs help. But she is stealing from you and blaming you. If you accept this you are accepting responsibility for her and her behaviour. You cannot stop her. Allowing her to blame you in enabling her bulimia. You need to tell her if she steals she cannot live with you.

This is a very serious issue and needs to be seen as the sickness/compulsion it is. There are preventative things you could try to implement; locks, buying lesser junk food, asking her to contribute etc

But your dd needs psychological intervention asap. What she has is akin to an ocd.