Dd (20) with binge eating disorder returning home next month

[Tomatosoupandbread]

My 20 year old dd has binge eating disorder. Currently she comes home Friday-Sunday and is at uni the rest of the time. She finishes her course next month and will be home until she restarts in October. She has admitted that part of the reason she comes home is because she can’t afford to feed herself full time.

I’m so worried about how I am going to afford her being home full time. I shopped yesterday and she has already eaten the majority of it. 3 packets of biscuits, a multipack of crisps, 2 blocks of cheese, a loaf of bread, a jar of Nutella, a bag of mini eggs, a chocolate bunny, her sister’s chocolate bunny, 6 litres of Diet Coke, 2 punnets of grapes, a punnet of raspberries, a punnet of blueberries and a box of cereal. In less than 24 hours on top of meals. I can’t afford to replace it and so her younger dd and I have no treats or fruit for the rest of the week, and as it is half term younger dd is home all week. My older dd will not accept help as she doesn’t see it as a problem. It was bad before she left for uni, but this is a whole new realm of intensity. I try to shop at Costco to make sure that we have enough volume of food in so that the younger dd and myself get some of it, but that doesn’t always happen. Has anyone got any advice?

Get locks for the fridge and kitchen cupboards.
Should be able to find some in B&Q, if not, on Amazon.

Wow that’s a lot of food. This is going to cost you a fortune. I would agree about the locks on the cupboard doors and also as she’s an adult and will presumably be working she needs to contribute financially. Did you tell her you weren’t happy with her taking all the food? Is she remorseful that she’s left the rest of you without food?

She's 20.

Tell her if she wants to buy binging food it comes from he town pocket.

Just buy the normal amount for you and your youngest and tell her if she eats it she will have to replace it.

Or put locks on one cupboard and use that for your food.

Given this will negatively impact on your younger dd, I would make her getting help for her eating disorder as a condition on moving back home.

be clear you will expect her to only eat the food that you’ve said she can have and will put things for you and dd2 in other parts of the kitchen / different fridge shelves, and dd1 is not allowed to eat them, if she wants more than you provide, she has to go buy her own.

if you teach younger dd she has to eat everything “nice” as soon as it arrives or she can’t have it, you are training her to binge too. Younger child has to be able to leave treat food and come back for it the next day without her older sister having eaten it. If your older dd can’t do that, she can’t move back in.

She gets a job and pays for her own food.

See if you can buy a small fridge (2nd hand?) for her bedroom?

She can have her own stash of food there and it might give her a sense of control?

She's taking food meant for other people, doesn't replace it, and doesn't see that as a problem. If she doesn't think she has a problem with food then does she accept she is just selfish and a thief instead? What is her explanation?

Tell her she will have to buy her own food, that all you will be providing is breakfast, lunch and dinner. Anything in between will have to come out of her pocket except bananas and apples if she is feeling peckish.

If she binges and purges she will never feel full. This is going to cost you so so much money.

I had the same disorder when I was her age and can relate to your daughter a lot, but if she doesn't want to get help, it's a tough situation.

Is she purging as well OP? Otherwise she must be massively overweight

How old is you younger DD? Can you just transfer money to her account and she buys her own treats, maybe to have out of the house with friends instead? Don't have junk in the house. It won't help with things like cereal and fruit though.

I get that you have other kids in the house and some of the snacks were fruit but do you really need all the unhealthy snacks in your house at all?

If you do insist on buying those unhealthy snacks try find somewhere secure to store them and/or tell her she will need to replace them or anything else she is eating to excess. Basically don’t make it affordable for her to binge at yours. It’s the last thing she needs.

I’ve had a bottle of white wine in my cupboard for two years as I have no struggles with that, but if I had a family member with an alcohol problem staying over I’d probably try and hide my alcohol for their sake.

These are all short term options of course, whether food is locked up or not she needs to address her BED. Try and help her access any help out there for binge eating and try and help her in any way you can.

Even if you could afforded to feed her all the food she wanted that isn’t what she needs. She would benefit by you becoming informed about the condition and then helping her to deal with it.

a few links ro Resources & info here : https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/binge-eating-disorder/

https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/eating-disorders/binge-eating-disorder

https://www.waldeneatingdisorders.com/blog/binge-eating-11-tips-for-breaking-the-cycle/

You need to have a very frank conversation with her. She's obviously seriously damaging her health either by being massively overweight or purging.
Lay out your points e.g. recognition of her ED, the effect on her sister, the monetary effect etc. Give her chance to give a rebuttal but stay focused.
If she refuses to get help then unfortunately it will have to resort to locked cupboards within the home and a very strict line on what you will and will not buy fir the home.

I think those say " just tell her to get a job" or "make her buy her own food" are missing the point about MH and ED.

The problem with getting younger dd to buy treats outside the house is it teaches / trains - eat it all before you come home or it will be stolen. Effectively making her binge.

its really important to be able to think - “there is a large chocolate bar in the kitchen, I’m going to break off one row to have with my cuppa, and I’ll leave the rest until tomorrow or maybe later in the week.
” Or, “there are 5 portions in this pack of biscuits, I will have those over the next 7 days” not “there are 5 portions in this pack, I’m going to quickly eat them all today as mum won’t buy any more for a week and I want my share before sister eats them all.”

The problem with getting younger dd to buy treats outside the house is it teaches / trains - eat it all before you come home or it will be stolen. Effectively making her binge.

Not if she's just meeting friends and sharing food while watching a film or something. My teen buys these things for sleepovers or other occasions, not every day. Or if she's given the treat money she may well choose to save it or buy something different with it.

Thank you all so much for the advice and help. She hasn’t found a job yet but I will be expecting her to find work. My other dd is 6-my older dd has eaten so many of the 6 year old’s Easter eggs, selection boxes, chocolates and saved treats over the past 18 months, and every time I have pulled up 20 year old dd on it she just says “well I was going to replace them” (which she never does). There is no remorse whatsoever for eating other people’s food, or for leaving other people without. I have written notes and stuck them on food items “for dd(6)’s packed lunch” etc and it is completely disregarded and the food is eaten. She purges every time she eats- she has an en suite. When she feels low about how much she has eaten she says that it is my fault that she binges and purges as I let her have the en suite bedroom. I have said that we will swap bedrooms if it would help but my younger dd doesn’t want to swap bedrooms (dd(6) and I share) as she really likes her room. I have always tried so hard to be understanding and approachable and to help in any way I can, and I’m just shouted at, or she bursts into tears and tells me to go away. It is so hard to approach any of it with her.

Oh she really needs help with this and to be honest she needs to change her attitude to you, too!

I think I'd make this a condition of her coming home, if it's not too late.

Then perhaps you need a conversation about the rules if she’s allowed to live in your house. She’s not a child now, so if she moves back in, it’s on the understanding she gets professional help, she doesn’t ever eat foods that have been marked for your younger dd. Swap bedrooms - it is your home not hers so your choice.

If she’s not capable or prepared to accept those rules then she can’t live with you. Be clear you will ask her to leave.

That poor little 6 year old! What does your adult daughter tell her sister when she eats her special treats like Easter chocolate?

Oh bless, OP, that sounds really tough. For both you and your daughter.
I think I'd personally apply some tough love and tell her she has to stay in her flat for the summer if the main reason is she can't afford more food, doesn't sound like her moving back would benefit her, your younger daughter, or your relationship.
When I had an ED, my whole social life and work was planned around my eating schedule. I wouldn't have looked for a job if I didn't have to, simply because I wouldn't have been able to binge and purge at work. It's something that occupies your mind 24/7

@Tomatosoupandbread If your daughter was a drug addict, would you be buying her heroin?

Of course your wouldn’t.

You need to hide any binge- able edibles ( especially junk like sweets ) It’s a gross and dangerous habit, to binge and purge - An horrendous image of a young woman whose stomach split during a binge/Purge was online a few years ago and is deeply upsetting to see.

STOP buying her food to gorge on.

Try and get urgent help for her.

People can recover from eating disorders- but parents buying them food doesn’t help.

Her blaming you for en suite is ridiculous.

She obviously needs psychological help to admit to her addiction.

Tough love!

How would that help? Would you ban your anorexic child from your home?

It sounds like she doesn't have binge eating disorder she has bulimia and a very serious case.

It can get VERY serious VERY quickly. Vomiting regularly will mess up her electrolytes really badly and that can cause massive and life changing health problems including heart attacks.

So she admits to being sick but doesn't think she's got a problem? What would she say if you said how worried you were about her health and supported her in trying to get some help??

a few things. I would stop buying so much junk food. I know you want everyone else to be able to eat normally etc but all those packets of biscuits and jar of Nutella etc… like if I had an alcoholic staying with me I wouldn’t stock up on wine the week before they came.

Do you also have the option to shop little and often rather than these big shops? Or even keeping some non perishables in your car boot? I know you shouldn’t have to but maybe it will help her transition back home if she’s not used to living in a house with lots of food available and it stops her eating her sisters packed lunch food.

I also feel she needs to take more responsibility for the missing food. My instinct would be as soon as you realise the food is missing you tell her she needs to replace it NOW and you send her to shops. This might be better if you have less in so she’ll have less to replace.

But you will know better on how much you can push this.

if she can’t afford or refuses to replace the food I think you’ve got tricky decision on what you should and shouldn’t replace. Guilt and shame will be a big part of her ED but replacing the non-essential food like biscuits also feels like you’d just be papering over it.

I think you need locks for the doors so people ca have their own food. Possibly including the kitchen. You need to stop enabling this. If she has no job she won't be able to buy it all, might help the problem?

I think you need to recognise that this is an illness and your DD is using food to deal with other unbearable feelings. It is obviously difficult if she can’t face up to that herself though especially at her age.
Is there any way you can try to get her to confide in you OP? Maybe take her out
for a 1-1 day with you and see if she will open up to you. I recognise it is difficult for you and DD2 but your DD is really suffering to be behaving as she is.
Best of luck