Dd (20) with binge eating disorder returning home next month

[Tomatosoupandbread]

My 20 year old dd has binge eating disorder. Currently she comes home Friday-Sunday and is at uni the rest of the time. She finishes her course next month and will be home until she restarts in October. She has admitted that part of the reason she comes home is because she can’t afford to feed herself full time.

I’m so worried about how I am going to afford her being home full time. I shopped yesterday and she has already eaten the majority of it. 3 packets of biscuits, a multipack of crisps, 2 blocks of cheese, a loaf of bread, a jar of Nutella, a bag of mini eggs, a chocolate bunny, her sister’s chocolate bunny, 6 litres of Diet Coke, 2 punnets of grapes, a punnet of raspberries, a punnet of blueberries and a box of cereal. In less than 24 hours on top of meals. I can’t afford to replace it and so her younger dd and I have no treats or fruit for the rest of the week, and as it is half term younger dd is home all week. My older dd will not accept help as she doesn’t see it as a problem. It was bad before she left for uni, but this is a whole new realm of intensity. I try to shop at Costco to make sure that we have enough volume of food in so that the younger dd and myself get some of it, but that doesn’t always happen. Has anyone got any advice?

I think it's in her best interest to stay where she is gor the summer if she will have reduced access to food than at yours. There are community pantries and pay as you feel restaurants around if she is broke.

This goes FAR beyond mere food.

She clearly has a dangerous addiction to binge/ purge ( bulimia)

Look for urgent help, @Tomatosoupandbread

There will be a deep trauma underlying this “ Need to fill an empty hole”

She needs help to understand WHY she is doing this.

I think you have to make the very difficult decision whether to enable her, or not. It doesn't sound like partial measures (locking cupboards, making agreements etc) can work, as she won't allow anything (including her 6 year old sister or mum) to stand between her and her next fix. As another poster said, this is an addiction.
For the sake of your youngest child, I wouldn't have your oldest daughter living at home.
She needs help, urgently-overeaters anonymous are good, but she needs to ask for help via her GP.

This

She needs professional help, OP.

You can’t fix this, but I would definitely stop buying snacks when she’s due home. Your family doesn’t need biscuits, chocolate and Diet Coke, for example. If they’re not in the house, she can’t take them. You can always buy your younger DD a treat when you’re out with her, but don’t leave anything in the cupboards.

Of course not, but I don't think it's unreasonable to make it a condition that she gets help.

I've known families with anorexic daughters which have been totally destroyed.

My daughter has bulimia. The first thing we did as a family was to stop buying anything in multi buy. It had an impact on her younger sibling for packed lunches etc but we have had to adjust whilst she gets better. I agree with locks on cupboards if needs be.

OP unless i missed it you’ve not mentioned her Dad? Is he active in her life? How close are you both - are you able to talk more about what’s she’s feeling?

Your daughter is dealing with some kind of trauma and from your last update it sounds as if she has something like bulimia. I’m no medical or mental health professional but she needs to talk to one to get a correct diagnosis and the correct course of treatment.

I don’t agree with not allowing her in your house until she is OK, agree with the pp who asked if people would suggest that for someone dealing with anorexia.

This is an excellent book, it's more of a CBT course to work through.
If you can get her to read it and follow it, there is hope she can beat this.

Wishing you and her luck.

I think she needs more help than this OP

Your daughter needs professional help. This is much more of a problem than the family running out of food. My circumstances are different but I have a 20 year old who has a genetic condition which results in compulsive eating. We do lock food away. We don't buy biscuits, cake, fizzy drinks. It doesn't mean that the rest of the family never see a bar of chocolate, just not at home. There is absolutely no need to have a stash of chocolate, sweets and snacks for your dd6 - have a healthy house and everyone will benefit.

Could you lock things up as everyone has suggested or hide them? What about doing smaller shops rather than weekly ones? Must be tough on everyone!

Also, you definitely need to take the en suite away from your DD. We had to do the same, I know your DD6 likes her room but your elder DD is seriously ill. Having a ensuite is really hard for someone with bulimia. I was really sad to be leaving my lovely bedroom to move into my DD's and have been left with blue tac on the walls whereas I made DD's new room (my old one) a new colour and lovely. Show your eldest that you care and mean business and that in swapping rooms you are taking her disorder seriously and so must she by seeking professional help. Ask your DD6 what she likes about her room now and ensure the en suite room offers something similar. Make it an exciting adventure for her to swap, at 6 she doesn't get to rule to roost when your other daughter's health is at dangerous levels.

Most definitely needs far more urgent help than a self help book that she’s probably never going to read.

It’s an addictive behaviour to likely help her cover up deep trauma and pain.

I really can't imagine buying all that crap food as a carer to any family member with an eating disorder. 6l of Diet Coke? This stuff is specifically designed so that people binge on it. Your dd6 doesn't need it either. Almost everything is ultra processed bar the cheese and fruit. It won't fill her up.

Within reason, can't you keep whole foods only in the house and anyone who wants this stuff can have it out of the house. Anything particular like DD's Easter chocolate locked away.

Aside from that, your dd needs help. Is she neurodivergent?

Surely you prioritise your sick daughter over your six year old not want time change rooms. Is it the case they have different fathers and she feels neglected?

Why on earth continue buying foods that you know are a problem to her? She needs urgent help, not fannying about on Mumsnet.

The thing is that even if the OP only had something like a loaf of bread and some cheese in the house, her daughter would eat all of us and leave them nothing.

Your poor 20yo daughter. I hope she has someone to speak to who understands and can help.

Buying lockable crates would probably be easier in the short term than locks on the cupboard doors. That way at least you could keep non-fridge items out of reach. If she's going to be at home while you are out at work, I'd take the crates with you in your car boot.

It's a book she's likely to be given at an ED assessment to read whilst waiting months for any treatment, it wouldn't hurt to buy it now.

Not a long term solution but would it help to a) shop daily while she is at home; b) as my teen DS puts it, buy ingredients rather than meals or snacks, would she be bothered to cook?

This x100. Personal experience talking. She has is an addiction, and by facilitating it, you are enabling her. She will not truly change until she is ready. The only thing that changed the path for me was a very good therapist to talk through the deep issues that were causing this, but it was a self made decision. Locking the cupboards and not buying the sweets won't stop the issue, though it may cause a transferrance of the addiction into a different form i.e. addiction to exercise/starving herself. This is an area to be very careful in, eating disorders make for sneaky behaviours which most people will not pick up on. You may want to seek professional help to teach you how to approach her on the issue to get her help.

For how long has she had bulimia?
It's unusual to be so open about it -it usually goes hand in hand with guilt, shame and secrecy.
Does she show any remorse after she's binge and purged her sister's food?
You can't keep enabling/supporting her this way. You could contact BEAT to ask for advice.

Why are you buying all that shit food? If it’s in the house she’s going to eat it, if she doesn’t eat it then you or your other dc are eating it? Buy healthier food and charge her rent/keep for her share. Having this food in the house is just going to tempt her.

Your daughter has a serious mental health disorder. She urgently needs help. In some areas you can self-refer for help. Try this link: https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-health-services/eating-disorders-outpatient. Your daughter may also be also be able to access support via her university student medical centre or student support services. Like other posters have said, this isn't really about the food, although obviously that does have an impact on your family. This is about her trying to cope with unbearable feelings/deep seated trauma.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/. The eating disorder charity is also very good and might be able to signpost services for you.

But please do not underestimate this. Eating disorders are dangerous and can be very deep-seated. There are no easy fixes. Your daughter desperately needs help although is highly unlikely to recognise that herself.