Dd (20) with binge eating disorder returning home next month

[Tomatosoupandbread]

My 20 year old dd has binge eating disorder. Currently she comes home Friday-Sunday and is at uni the rest of the time. She finishes her course next month and will be home until she restarts in October. She has admitted that part of the reason she comes home is because she can’t afford to feed herself full time.

I’m so worried about how I am going to afford her being home full time. I shopped yesterday and she has already eaten the majority of it. 3 packets of biscuits, a multipack of crisps, 2 blocks of cheese, a loaf of bread, a jar of Nutella, a bag of mini eggs, a chocolate bunny, her sister’s chocolate bunny, 6 litres of Diet Coke, 2 punnets of grapes, a punnet of raspberries, a punnet of blueberries and a box of cereal. In less than 24 hours on top of meals. I can’t afford to replace it and so her younger dd and I have no treats or fruit for the rest of the week, and as it is half term younger dd is home all week. My older dd will not accept help as she doesn’t see it as a problem. It was bad before she left for uni, but this is a whole new realm of intensity. I try to shop at Costco to make sure that we have enough volume of food in so that the younger dd and myself get some of it, but that doesn’t always happen. Has anyone got any advice?

My older dd will not accept help as she doesn’t see it as a problem. It was bad before she left for uni, but this is a whole new realm of intensity.

So this has been going on for at least 2 or 3 years?
What have you tried, intervention wise, OP?
How is her health? Does she have other purging compulsions like exercise?

Tbh I agree,that's a lot of 'treats!' don't buy stuff like that and anything for your youngest needs to be kept in your bedroom. She needs serious help asap,the poor girl.

Everyone saying stop buying 'bad food' or 'treats' or start 'hiding all the food'. All of these phrases can heighten an eating disorder massively. Making food out to be bad and something that needs to be hidden unfortunately will make a binge even more 'enjoyable'. Putting a sign on food saying don't eat this or this is for DD will make that food even more appealing. This is solely my personal experience & opinion. You need professional guidance OP & your daughter needs your support and encouragement to help her accept professional help too when she is ready. Lots of love, don't give up on her.

I would get yourself some professional help first - talk to BEAT (the charity) they have online resources and a helpline for carers/ parents. Also go to your GP - what do they suggest - how can they bridge the gap as your DD needs eating disorder specialist help.

Wtf is this comment. OP is dealing with a daughter with a serious psychological disorder. How can you even compare it to your 4 kids 'eating a lot'.

I think it's a bit drastic to call her a thief. Aside from the fact she so desperately needs treatment, I would gently tell her specifically that if she eats all of a specific food, there will be nothing left for you. Spell it out.

You need professional help op. Brain over binge is a great book too

I understand why many posters advocate locking food away/not having it in the house-but that sets a disastrous precedent for your younger daughter-food will become emotionally laden, and mistakenly seen as powerful/secretive/special/forbidden, thereby risking a future eating disorder for her.
Ans as for "crap food", that's not exactly helping OP- crisps, biscuits and nutella aren't the work of the devil, and the bread, butter and punnets of fruit are fine. Maybe lots of diet coke, but perhaps that was intended to last a couple of weeks?

Thank you all so much for your replies. We have had help, have both read brain over binge, have been in touch with Beat, and have been to the GP. She was prescribed fluoxetine (60mg) to help with the binge eating, and was also referred to an eating disorder specialist but she refused to engage, twice. She doesn’t take her fluoxetine, and never files repeat prescriptions, and as she is an adult I can’t do it for her, so that has become a dead end. She refuses to see a dentist about her teeth too-it took over three years to get her an NHS dentist and she refuses to attend check ups, so is close to getting struck off the register. I just feel stuck in this mire of a place; when she first got ill I was so sure I could get her help and it would be ok, but she just won’t engage at all, and ends up furious with me for “nagging” about it. I’m worried she won’t take it seriously until something awful happens, like a ruptured stomach. It’s awful.

@Tomatosoupandbread That’s really bad.
As you know you can’t force an adult addict to do anything they don’t want to do.
Hopefully she can stay reasonably “healthy” to mature out enough to admit she has a serious problem.
Do you think she’s better off living elsewhere?
It must be a terrible worry for you if she won’t even admit that there is a problem.

Your younger daughter needs to have a normal relationship with food-
If your older daughter won’t engage, there’s not much you can make her do.

Does she go on those pro ana websites at all?

Those are really toxic.
( or were ten or so years ago)

Ans as for "crap food", that's not exactly helping OP- crisps, biscuits and nutella aren't the work of the devil, and the bread, butter and punnets of fruit are fine. Maybe lots of diet coke, but perhaps that was intended to last a couple of weeks?

6 litres is 20 300ml glasses. That would be two people drinking it five days a week for two weeks, I'm assuming it's not for the young child. It's something to occasionally drink with a meal out, or a bottle between teens at a sleepover, it's pretty nasty stuff.

Oh op I do feel for you

I was a secret binge eater and would buy my own food so it wasn’t a problem to my family.

Brain over binge and a type 2 diabetes diagnosis did it for me. When I understood that it was just a bad ingrained habit and my life was at risk if I carried on it seemed so silly and indulgent. I also gradually went lower carb and less processed which kept my blood sugar and hunger in check

Im guessing she wouldn’t see a doctor for a full check up?

If she’s refusing to engage then you’re going to have to lock cupboards just to enable yourself and your other DD to eat 💐

OP,
Have you looked into adhd?
I have a daughter who binge eats and is very overweight.
She has recently being diagnosed with ADD and the psychiatrist mentioned the brain seeking Dopamine constantly which leads to impulsive eating.
It made a lot of sense but I know it still won't be a simple solution to my Dds problems.
There is a lot of emotional stuff behind it too.
Just a thought as I think therapy and medication will help.
It's hard when your dd refuses medication. Is that something you can take over when she is home if she gives consent?
I know its hard and it's extra burden on you but maybe if you took charge over medication for sometime and that helped her she would see the difference?

It's very hard to be in this situation. I have another thread about seeking private treatment for binge eating.
Have had some good advice there.

Xx

Children do not need processed rubbish at home (or indeed anywhere). The effect of the actual food on their well-being is far worse than any feeling of restriction. No need to restrict good food and in any case there are plenty of opportunities in life for crap food for children, it's literally everywhere.

Most supermarket-bought bread is also full of rubbish. I bet your dd would struggle to eat an entire loaf of proper sourdough bread with cheese and butter, foods without all the rubbish in are much harder to binge on.

Appreciate this is only half the battle as she can buy her own food but surely it should be the starting point.

I also think she sounds neurodivergent, it's very common with eating disorders and echo the dopamine comments of pp.

Children do not need processed rubbish at home (or indeed anywhere). The effect of the actual food on their well-being is far worse than any feeling of restriction. No need to restrict good food and in any case there are plenty of opportunities in life for crap food for children, it's literally everywhere.

I agree. A small jar of nutella for pancake day/a half term treat I think is fine. But three packets of biscuits, multipack of crisps (hopefully just potato crisps) and drain cleaner diet cola?

I used to suffer from binge eating, after anorexia in my teens-early 20's.

I had to buy my own food, i had my own cupboard for food.

This was decades ago, but back then i couldn't access worthwhile help..you had to be a certain bmi to access certain treatments, or deteriorate physically for intervention. The GPs back then would just give you NHS diets 😭😭 and tell you not to do it. Dieting made it 10x worse..
It could be shame making her act nonchalant and not want to accept help..the guilt and embaressment i would feel was horrendous.

I don't know if you could set mealtimes? Cook together for dinner ect. I found being mindful with food, and stopping to see it as an enemy a start. I would set 3 meals a day at set times..even if i binged i would have to sit down to still have a bit of the meal to get into routine. After years of an eating disorder i found it hard to stop mainly physically.. as my body no longer had hunger signals or cues, my body was so all over the place that the binges became more instinct taking over as it just went nuts (i had binge starve cycle so body never knew when food would arrive) so when i ate i acted possesed and my body would just want it all and take over.

Don’t bother swapping rooms. She will just find somewhere else to vomit. She’ll go for a walk or drive to public toilets. I know…
Don’t buy chocolate / biscuits/ crisps / coke AT ALL as these are tempting . Fit locks for your store cupboards where you put multi packs.
Even boxes of cereal or loaves of bread are tempting. To be honest I would put these things out of reach.

Sorry you are going through this.

Locks for the fridge and chocolate egg cupboard.
Never buy junk food.
Stock up on many vegetables, eggs, lean cheese and fish, apples and pears. Only buy Weetabix and Rolled Oats. Have lowfat milk in the fridge.
You can not afford to supply your daughter with a diet that will kill her. Take her to a dietition and a GP who deals with eating disorders. Get referrals. Get serious and sensible.

She doesn't have binge eating disorder, she has bulimia and needs help urgently. I was bulimic from my early teens for almost 20 years and still feel the negative, embarrassing and expensive effects from it - many teeth lost/replaced, weird and uncomfortable digestive issues, damaged relationships, episodes of drug abuse to try and manage it myself, etc. Prozac was a really helpful start but ultimately wound up doing outpatient and then inpatient treatment. Locking up food is just going to create more shame and secrecy around eating but you really ought to insist she gets help as a condition of living with you.

Ban soft drinks and fruit jiuce from your door step.

They are empty sugar filled drinks. Your daughter should eat an orange or apple and drink water and sometimes tea and coffee (not made with 100% milk)
It is such a shame that she has developed a liking for such junk food.

Bulimia is not about a 'developed liking for junk food'.

I'm surprised she's so open about what she's doing, OP. Bulimia is usually a really secretive illness, with lots of lies and shame about what's actually going on. Will she talk to you openly about it?

OP, you are enabling her. She also needs therapeutic input asap. Inform her that is she is living at home she has to engage in therapy and stop giving her access to binge foods.

Locks locks and locks BEFORE she comes home. THEN list of rules on fridge. Breakfast lunch dinner and only come to you for the key. I appreciate this as I had/have ED in which we couldn’t have stuff in the house as I would gorge and looking back I feel so bad as my husband and kids would go without. It’s very clear to me know if I want it I buy it. Turns out I don’t want to buy it so I go without. This has helped me so much. Please don’t feel bad for doing this either. You are helping in the long run. X

Won't engage with - doctors, dentists, psychs, stealing food just generally abusing her family psychologically and financially, she's an adult, you have the patience of a saint - three strikes and out if she doesn't make any effort, just my opinion but I would be concentrating on my other child and

my own sanity.