I'm getting married in summer. I bought a sample dress that was a size too small in the hips and waist, planning to diet into it. It was the last sample of a dress from an old collection and the style was just what I wanted. I could never have afforded it new. I can fasten it up and I estimated I'd only need to lose 3kg at most for it to fit. Unfortunately it can't be let out.
I have a history of anorexia. I haven't been in hospital since 2010, and I've been happily maintaining a good healthy weight since 2016. I'd forgotten (or rather stupidly ignored) that I can't lose any weight without it flipping that switch in my brain, and no matter how lovely a dress is, it isn't worth gambling my health for. The behaviours are creeping in again. My fiance is worried and he's offered to buy a new dress for me, any dress I want so long as it fits me just as I am and I won't be fixating on losing more weight. He's incredibly kind and generous but I feel so guilty at the thought of spending more money on a new dress, especially when (in my head) the cause is me being greedy and eating too much.
I spoke to one of my best friends about it. She shared a flat with me before I was hospitalized in 2009 and so she probably has the most insight of anyone into what I'm like when I get ill. As soon as I told her I needed to lose 3kg for my dress, she just looked at me and went, "No." She didn't even try to argue or reason me out of it, which is probably what I needed - someone who knows it's too mad and dangerous even to discuss.
I've got an appointment at a bridal boutique tomorrow to try on different dresses. I don't really know why I'm posting here. I think I just need some support and encouragement from people who understand what it's like when the thoughts take hold.