I have a long history of anorexia followed (usually always) by bulimia. I end up at the lowest point then get help and I'm fine for years (averages at about 3-5 years).
I've been healthy for 4 years now.
I live abroad now and everything is good. I have family coming over to visit in 2 weeks time. In February I booked flights to go back to the UK for a short visit at the beginning of April and knowing that I'd eat more whilst there (too many lovely foods that I can't get here) and then only have a few weeks back here before family come and I'd be eating more again due to going out more I decided to just drop a few pounds in advance, to give myself room to eat what I want without ending up too big for the summer (if you see what I mean?).
Anyway, those few pounds turned into 17 in the space of just over 5 weeks.
I couldn't let myself eat as I normally would on my UK trip, just tried to stick to maintenance calories, and have been reducing my caloric intake drastically since I came home. I'm now down to 300-500 calories a day.
I know I don't look good (too many people in the UK told me so), my husband is worried about me and I know I'll get a massive bollocking from my family when they come.
I honestly don't want to get ill again but I just can't bring myself to eat more. Each day I try to reduce my calories even though I feel shit due to the lack of nourishment.
I have no one to talk to about this here and I can't talk to anyone in the UK because I don't want to worry them more. They've been through it with me every time in the past and I should be able to sort this for myself by now. I'm 50 ffs, I should know better! But, on the other hand, I really want to lose a few more pounds.
My BMI is 19 at the moment, ideally I'd like to get that down to 18.5, soon as possible. But I know that's stupid. But I WANT it too much.
I don't really know why I'm posting this, I just don't know what to do. That's a lie. I do know what to do, I just can't at the moment.