Just don’t know what to do anymore

[justpoppy]

I’ve have a long and varied history of mental health problems with eating disorders somewhere in the middle.

I had a breakdown recently and was in an nhs hospital for 2 weeks. I didn’t eat one meal while I was there - just wasn’t hungry. I was then transferred to a private hospital for the next month. Couldn’t eat there either - I had no appetite. Picked at bananas, soup, cereal bars but no more than 100-200 cals a day. The ward I was on was next to the EDU. We shared a pharmacy with the EDU patients, and I have to say this triggered me massively. I couldn’t eat in the restaurant as the sight of these girls (and women my age or older) picking at their huge meals just broke my heart. I didn’t mention any of this to my consultant while IP and the staff didn’t seem to take much notice of the fact that I wasn’t eating. I convinced them, my family and myself I think that my appetite would come back with a vengeance once I got home. It didn’t.

I’ve now lost at total of almost 3 stone and my bmi is 17.3. I saw my consultant at the hospital this week and she’s very worried. Not about my depression and anxiety which I first saw her about but that i’m Dropping weight so rapidly still. She wants to refer me to an ED consultant. I’m gutted about this - really gutted. I don’t know what a different consultant can do that she can’t do.

I’ve been treated as an outpatient at an EDU in London about 15 years ago and found all the talk about nutrition etc totally useless. I have kept a 12 year old boy alive and healthy all this time I know what I should be eating I just don’t want to do it.

The sensible side of my head knows I look awful naked. The sensible side knows that a 44 year old woman ahouldn’t Weigh 7stone something but I can’t stop. This referral has triggered me even more. I’m not low enough/ill enough to warrant an inpatient stay. I almost feel like I need to lose more to justify this referral.

Not sure why i’m Posting really - I guess getting my thoughts down helps.

Thanks for reading if you managed to get this far.

I guess has anyone else been where I am and what did you do? Last time my weight was lower than this I somehow got pregnant - that’s not going to happen this time for many reasons. I just don’t know what to do (and if i’m Honest part of me just wants to carry on as I am because I can.)

Well my positive input today is that I will be eating a proper tea with carbs (fear food) and I've bought myself some nice snacks to eat in front of the telly tonight

I find the referrals triggering too, I keep thinking that I need to weigh less otherwise they'll think I'm lying or wasting their time. I'm paranoid that my psychiatrist thinks I'm making it up for attention.

Calypso that’s exactly how I feel. Tried to explain that to my DP earlier and he just couldn’t comprehend it.

Well done Clarky! Enjoy those snacks. My positive this today is that I ate a bowl of home made soup which probably has a gazillion calories in it as it was Brie and mushroom and some rice cakes with cheese. I did then go for a run which felt marginally easier seeing as I had some fuel in me.

I think it's impossible to understand if you're not in that mindset. Objectively, I can look at it and know that I'm being ridiculous but it doesn't help me rationalise the thoughts at all and I can't shake the feeling that I'm too fat to have an ED let alone anorexia which is what my doc is now referring to it as.

Well done on the eating victories to both of you as well. I really didn't want dinner tonight but I made myself eat it. Wish I hadn't now but I know I find it very hard to function if my calorie count drops much lower.

Well done guys! It sounds so patronising but whatever, we need to boost ourselves. Just see your soup as fuel for your run 👍🏻

Saw my therapist today and cried for most of the hour. She said she thinks i’ve been in denial for ages about this which is why it’s bringing out all these emotions now. As from next week i’ve been transferred to an ED therapist.

How are you feeling now poppy? I hope the ED therapist is helpful.

I don’t see her until next week. I cried my way through my session today. I’m really still struggling with all the stuff my DP said to me the other day about how i’m not the woman he met, i’ve lost my spark, I look awful. He said some really unkind things. I desperately don’t want to lose him - he is a good many and the most healthy relationship i’ve ever had and I love him dearly but I need to find a way to get past the stuff he said. He’s apologied for some of it and fully admits he doesn’t get EDs but at the moment I feel it’s making me push him away and restrict more. He stood by me through my last IP stay and was so so supportive but it’s like with this he doesn’t know what to do and it’s an inconvenience.

You need to make sure that it's your feelings alone and not the anorexia. The restricting began before his comments and whilst they haven't helped pushing him away could be the anorexia wanting more control without complications. make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

Really struggling today. Went to a dinner with friends yesterday and ate more than i’ve probably eaten in weeks but I just felt like everything was going on around me and I was observing. The place we were at didn’t have proper heating either so despite wearing loads of layers I was so so cold all night. Everyone else was drinking too and having a lovely time but all I could think about was leaving so I could go to bed. Have been out to running club this morning but have come back and can’t stop crying. I’m trying to be open and talk to people about how I feel but no one understands and that makes me feel really isolated and vulnerable. I didn’t sleep well last night either which doesn’t help my mood. I just feel so sad that i’m Letting this take over my life and I can’t stop.

I cannot imagine what you are going through and feel stupid replying as I have never been where you are, but I wanted to leave a message of support. You are reaching out and accepting support from your therapist so you are not letting it take over. You are fighting, even by posting you are fighting. Take care and be kind to yourself

Thank you. I’ve been out this afternoon with my little boy and feel a lot better than I did this morning.

F