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Original poster

I can’t see I’m ‘tiny’...

82 replies

FennyBridges · 22/12/2017 07:35

I suffered with anorexia as a teenager and since hitting motherhood I go through phases of restricting. It’s been happening on and off for about 5 years. I know I keep myself slender - BMI 20 - but I went into work on Tuesday and my line manager (who hasn’t seen me for a few weeks) exclaimed very loudly in the staff room how tiny I am. She went on a little bit until the conversation was steered to Christmas. She knows a little of my ED history.

I can’t see it. I have been restricting due to Christmas as a stressor. I’m hungry a lot of the time or nauseous so I can’t eat. I definitely have one meal a day. Yesterday that was white fish, asparagus, broccoli and a few green beans. I did have a mince pie too. But actually I thought I was looking bloated on Tuesday and not tiny at all.

I can’t see that I’m tiny. I haven’t the courage to weigh myself. My husband confirmed that I look like I’ve lost a bit of weight but mainly it’s evident on my face.

Why can’t I see it? Or do you think that when someone is aware of your ED they are hypersensitive even to a pound of weight loss? Or they exaggerate? I wondered if this colleague enjoys a bit of drama or maybe she cares? I don’t know why I can’t see it. Can anyone help me with why I see myself differently to how others see me?

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 22/12/2017 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FennyBridges · 22/12/2017 13:20

Yes. Thank you for replying.
The thing is, I’m too frightened. But I don’t know why. I’m also worried that if I visit the GP they just will look at me and think I’m slight but normal, so what’s the point? I can’t explain why it makes me frightened but I know that I feel less frightened about life generally when I can have control over food.

OP posts:
IceBearRocks · 22/12/2017 13:22

Time for treatment my lovely ... All the alarm bells are ringing. Do it now while you have a little control!!!!

holidayparkquestion · 22/12/2017 13:26

One meal a day and you probably are losing weight and looking "tiny." It sound alike they're concerned about you.

have you had treatment before? are you part of any Eating Disorders groups? You could try the Beat helpline if you are anxious about the doctor. (Does the doctor know your history - would taking a friend who knows about the anorexia help?)

WorldPeasAndSweetcorn · 22/12/2017 13:28

Even without anorexia, when i was very thin i could barely see it because i was just used to it.
One lone "meal" of white fish and vegetables is not a proper meal. Please so seek out some form of external help/treatment if you can.

Loonoonow · 22/12/2017 13:28

You know restricting your food (for whatever reason) is a danger sign for you. Please get help ASAP.

becotide · 22/12/2017 13:30

You're eating about a third of what you need to maintain a healthy weight. This will result in you losing weight. you need to manage your anxiety by going to the doctor.You are not an accurate estimator of your own weight and body size due to your eating disorder.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/12/2017 13:31

Here is a picture of my dog who eats more than you and is extremely fit and healthy and
TEN INCHES TALL

Thanks go to the doc

I can’t see I’m ‘tiny’...
ijustwannadance · 22/12/2017 13:31

One tiny meal a day is just not enough to sustain you.
You know this and are aware you are contantly hungry.
The nausea is caused by the hunger.

ItMadeMyEyesWater · 22/12/2017 13:35

Why do people think it's ok to comment on people's weight, when they are thin. I was bending over getting something out of a drawer at work, and I heard one old lady say to her friend loud enough for me to hear, 'Look, you can count every bone in her spine' I turned round and she was screwing her face up in disgust. I felt like saying, I bet I can put on weight quicker than you can lose it, you CF.

RemainOptimistic · 22/12/2017 13:48

To answer your original question OP: You can't see it because not being able to see it is part of the illness.

One meal a day isn't enough for any person and you do know that.

I understand that controlling your food intake makes you feel safe. I think that's perfectly reasonable. The question to ask is why does the control have to involve taking in fewer calories than you physically need? Why not control your food intake but to a level that is a full healthy diet?

ru345 · 22/12/2017 17:00

Fennybridges I get the same when people say I am tiny I do actually look at them oddly as I have a belly. Trouble is I still find going through gaps hard to judge as feel the same size when I was bigger.
I too usually eat once a day...hopefully with xmas I can pick at food around me all day and get calories in that way. My BMI same as yours too and losing a lb a week. I stopped exercise to try and stop weightloss over 2 months ago, so that has helped slow it down but still a stone lower regardless. I try and get calories through milk in lattes at home. This makes up most my calories and has a balanced nutrition fat/carbs/protein/calcium.

Original poster
FennyBridges · 22/12/2017 17:07

I honestly don’t know why restriction makes me feel safe. I’m open to any suggestions from anyone’s experience.

I do see a therapist a couple of times a month but she cancelled in December and I find Christmas so difficult. I don’t know why. It’s not the food - I don’t think - it’s the commitments and organisation and coordinating and trying to get stuff done continually. Even if it’s wrapping presents.

I don’t like people commenting on my weight. But people tend to when you’re thin. It then makes me worry about something which seems to help me get through difficult times. Do you think when someone knows your ED history they are inclined to over react? Surely a BMI of 20 is OK?

OP posts:
Boulshired · 23/12/2017 08:31

Your BMI of 20 is going to drop on one meal a day, my daughter’s therapist reminds her the whilsts calories, BMI are important the most important thing is her mental health in recovery. If you can get help now, you know yourself it will be much easier than when the ED takes a firm hold. Christmas is always going to be hard and people are more inclined to comment more on appearance etc. Comments about weight is so intrusive but from a person on the other side looking in it’s difficult to see the person ill. I can still sense my daughters crisis moments before her. She hates people commenting on her weight but equally if people do not at the beginning of a restricting period she convinces herself it was because she was fat all along. Take care of yourself.

BishopstonFaffing · 23/12/2017 08:37

I mean this kindly but if you don't know how much you weigh, how are you sure of your BMI?

Original poster
FennyBridges · 23/12/2017 09:59

Thank you everyone’s replies have been so lovely. I don’t know why taking care of myself and eating a full and healthy diet frightens me so, like I would lose control over something? Being on the outside looking in - thinking of that perspective is interesting to me.

I was weighed at the doctor’s in June and it was 58 kilos with a bmi of 20 point something. I don’t know what I weigh now, or in stones and pounds. I can deal with kilos: one number in kilos means little to me! Can’t explain why; part of my madness I guess 🙄

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/12/2017 10:01

June was a long time ago, and with what you’ve been eating it’s very likely that you’ve gone down from 20.

Please get help Flowers

Whinesalot · 23/12/2017 10:07

There are virtually no calories in white fish and veg. No carbs at all.
Regardless of looking at yourself, it is common sense that is not enough food to maintain weight.

If I were you I'd stop looking in the mirror and I'd rely on the scales to tell me if I'm a healthy weight or not, rather than the other way round. Go back to the doctor. Maybe you were ok in June. That was a long time ago.

Original poster
FennyBridges · 23/12/2017 10:23

It’s only been since December 1st. I can’t explain why but something flicked in me about getting everything done for Christmas, marking assessments, planning lessons ‘to the end’, shopping and panicking about getting enough food in for Christmas (which I know is ridiculous but it’s like this frenzy of people talking about turkeys and cakes and stacks of stuff in the shops and, just, consumption) I felt like if I controlled eating I would get everything done. That’s what I thought. I don’t know why it makes sense to me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/12/2017 10:24

Three weeks of eating like you have will make your BMI tank.

I felt like if I controlled eating I would get everything done. That’s what I thought. I don’t know why it makes sense to me.

That’s the illness talking. Flowers

Whinesalot · 23/12/2017 10:39

That's the illness getting its grip on you again. You need help to nip it in the bud before the habits get too entrenched again.

Gingernaut · 23/12/2017 10:44

The thing is, I’m too frightened. But I don’t know why.

You're anorexic. That's why.

As long as you remain blind to your true weight, your ED has control.

You need help. At some level you know this or else you wouldn't have started this thread.

Original poster
FennyBridges · 23/12/2017 11:06

I know. And I have been so desperate to talk to someone but I can’t talk to my line manager as, ultimately, she can’t know anything that might suggest my work is suffering. Because it isn’t. So I came on here. With Family I’m pretending all is well. It’s christmas after all.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 23/12/2017 11:14

My psychiatrist's favourite saying is that EDs aren't about food, they're about feeling in control when the world around you has gone mad. I totally understand your logic and thinking; for me, restricting is a way to deal with stress and anxiety and I kid myself that it makes me feel 'better' when actually it just contributes to the problem. Do you have a sympathetic GP? I think in some places you can self refer to ED teams too. Please get help x

SouthySa · 23/12/2017 11:19

Could you take a photo of yourself and try to judge what you would think if it was someone else? Would you think they looked tiny?

FWIW people tell me I’m tiny all the time, I don’t have an ED but don’t eat as much as I should through a busy life, not particularly liking many foods and laziness. My DD took a photo of me the other day and I was really surprised at how thin I looked. I’m making a big effort to put some weight on now. I think photos can really bring weight home!