#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided. All welcome. Thread 8

[kwick]

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!

Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2886793--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-All-welcome-Thread-7
And the one before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2863056--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-Thread-6
Here is the link to the one before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2832207--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI
We also have a weight loss spin off thread:www.mumsnet.com/Talk/donor_conception/2889818-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-weight-loss-spin-off-thread

YY, open mind definitely needed. You could find the characteristics you wanted aren't there. We initially didn't understand how few donors there were and had our hearts set on someone ginger as DP is ginger and it's a recessive gene. We ended up with a dark-haired donor and thought, oh well. DD is, oddly enough, looking as if she's going to be ... ginger.

Some of the donors sound rather peculiar, though. We saw papers for one who basically wrote a CV about his PhD and his important science work, as if we ought to choose him to perpetuate his amazing genes! Not one word about how he might feel about/treat a future baby.

Needless to say, we chose someone a bit less arrogant.

LRD thats really interesting! I know a couple of guys from a few years ago who were donors (in America) and they never gave one thought to the possible children, from their point of view why would they, their donation wasn't about becoming a father, it was about getting some cash to help through college! True story. I can see where the PhD guy was coming from in a way. It is their right to not want to be involved.

That being said, my current donor is by all accounts from the clinic staff a lovely man, and a kind man. Yet has he written a note to potential donors or kids? no. why? because he told the clinic its not his place to say anything. He has fulfilled a purpose. I thank him for his kindness, thought I wish there was a note, not going to lie!

LRD just read that back and it sounded like Im suggesting you want or expect the donor involved - thats not what I meant at all. Im just drawing the comparison!

Oh, yes, it's absolutely their right - but, in this case, he wasn't saying that! We only went for donors who said they'd be happy to have future children contact them, and all of them provided a message to those future children (it's how the clinic does it). It was just that his message was a CV, all about how amazing he was and how brilliant.

The man we went for was much more down to earth, and simply wrote that he hoped any children would be happy and would understand all of our reasons for creating a family like this. It's a really nice message and it also mentions that he donated because his wife and he had treatment, so children won't wonder what his motives were.

I think what your donor said is also very nice, and makes perfect sense.

So I got the karyotyping back from the Eprc- came back normal - not sure what caused it then.

Sister in law just announced she is twelve weeks. Sigh - why is it so bloody easy for some
People who seem to just swan through life? X

LRD how do you feel about your child looking into their donor daddy? I remain very unsure about it. perhaps I'll change more in time but at the moment it kind fills me with dread.

Does anyone else worry about this (and I know I shouldn't borrow trouble....)

I like the idea, myself. I know I could worry and wonder what sort of person he is, and whether they'd dislike him, or whatever. But the fact he's been in the same boat as us, seeking fertility treatment, makes me feel reassured. He will have tackled some of the same questions of how to talk to his children about their origins. It might even be that they were conceived with donor eggs (we don't know).

I'm hoping that, if I do IVF, I'll be able to donate eggs myself, and if so, it would also be something I'd discuss with children at an age-appropriate time. So hopefully, they'd grow up thinking of it as unremarkable.

It helps that we do know other people in the same situation. A woman in my NCT group has a baby with a donor egg (though AFAIK she's only mentioned it to me and not the others). My close friend has a baby that is biologically hers and her partner's, but her partner doesn't live with her and won't be a conventional 'dad' figure. Our baby's cousin is an IVF baby. DP's mum is adopted. Etc. etc. Lots of different types of family relationships to compare to. I think that will help.

I suppose it also makes it easier that there is unlikely to be a big reveal that DP and I are not, in fact, both their biological parents.

I am feeling nervous if we can't manage to use the same donor DP used, for me, though. Because I really don't want the guy who wrote his children the CV! Just imagine being 18 and perhaps rather fed up at school, and hearing your biological father banging on about his degrees!

Sorry - I meant to ask (and please don't feel pressure to say), but what makes you dread it, if it'd help to talk about it?

I guess I could see it as a reflection of me not giving them what they needed and them looking for it elsewhere? your views far healthier! I don't think my donor had fertility issues, he is just a donor.

This is the final topic that I'm still unresolved about in terms of all of this. and there is an element of guilt about doing it on my own, or rather bringing a baby into the world out of the 'preconceived normal way' and into a single parent family - the fact that it could be seen as selfish....

Its a niggle I don't explore too often, but its there.

I don't know if that makes any sense and most of the time I'm perfectly fine, but it does niggle me at times.

I personally think that if you position the donor for what he is, a donor, but still a very kind person that you took time reading about and selecting, the children won't expect anything from him. They will understand his role is the one of a donor and not of a father. I've thought about the possibility that my child/ren might want to meet him at some point but I'm not worried that they'll have specific expectations as I would have explained their position from early age.
I'm keeping all the information on file, ready to be shown when the kid is getting curious about their biological dad. Like LRD, i chose the profile of a nice guy, a primary school teacher, who is a father himself and talks about life in simple terms. There was another donor I really liked physically as his baby picture was the spitting image of my brother but I found his description quite proud and arrogant and I didn't think it would be a nice profile for my child to read. And they will think 'you chose well Mummy'

I plan to honour the donor every year on conception day (28 March) and release a balloon in a park. I also plan to take some trips to Denmark and Sweden later on so mini Pez gets to know his/her origins.

Pez what a lovely thought! loving the balloon thing!

another thing is what to call them. some just say donors, others biological donor, donor daddy... its really hard to know what to do. when all the kids are talking bout their daddies it would be good to have a label that is acceptable for the child.

Has anyone else thought of what to call them? biological donor won't work at 3 or 4 years old.... my counsellor said to stay away from any father type titles. but I've read books where donor daddy was used from a young age to help the child understand....

thoughts?

Well said, Pez , I have the same ideas for the future - honouring the conception day and trips to Denmark. But well, I still need to conquer the first hurdle - a bfp and then all those that come after.
I feel very positive about it, no dread at all. I already have a list of books to buy once my donor baby is born - The Pea that was Me and others that talk about being a donor child. I'm even contemplating writing my own (very personalized just for my child) and my amazing friend would draw illustrations.

stork, the other way to look at it is that you've been able to give that baby so much thought and consideration, before it's even born. It'll never doubt it was wanted and chosen. That's a really huge thing.

My counsellor said to me that I should start talking about a donor when baby is at 6 months so it's ingrained from an early age. The way she explained it at the time made a lot of sense. There are books available from the donor conception network that explain these things. I've not read them but I'm sure could be a great help. I actually need to get my self joined to the donor conception.

I have a couple of the books from he donor network and am also going to write my own. but nowhere really discusses the title one gives to Mr donor....

LDR thats absolutely what Im hoping!!!
and calz yes I was given similar advice, a bedtime story from a very young age.

This is the list of bedtime books I'd like to buy:
The pea that was me (vol 4)
Just the baby for me
A baby for mummy

I would also like to write my own story.
Good point Stork regarding how to call him. I assumed I would say 'your donor' but I like the 'daddy donor' too although slightly worried about the implications of the word 'daddy'. For father's days and thinks like that I think I'd rather have my kid do something for his grandfather or uncles. Having a daddy donor might confuse them on those special events. So maybe I'll just stick to 'donor'. If mentioned from an early age it just becomes normal.

The Pea that was me collection have different versions for same sex parents, and any couple using a donor for eggs and/or sperm.

Stork, I too worry about this. I worry about what implications it'll have on my future child(ren) because they're not in a "nuclear family" - will they hate me for it when they're older, say, teenage years? But on the other hand, there's a lot of alternative families nowadays and being a nuclear family isn't the most important thing... I just worry about what my future child will think.

Pez I really like marking the conception date with a balloon. Beautiful idea!

Oh, and thank you for the book titles Pez; they shall come in handy one day!

A lot of nuclear families are far from being perfect! I don't feel guilty as I know I'll make my kid(s) happy and there will be so much love in our home.

It wasn't my idea, I read it on another board months ago. The lady was doing it on her son's birthday but being due around Xmas I thought it would be nice to have another event to celebrate at another time during the year.

I worry about that too pez but then I worry about a young child connecting donor to daddy and how she explains that to preschool friends.... I read a post on fertility friends about someone using donor daddy after the term donor failed to sit well with the child and their friends. Decisions decisions...

In other news I'm back on the fertility smoothies, pomegranate and beetroot juice, coconut water, berries, avocado, chia seeds, spinach, banana, mint leaves.... they are ZINGY!

Suppose you could actually do the balloon thing on Father's Day, or would that be weird?!

Thanks all, you are all so helpful!! I'm trying not to think too much about bed time stories etc as I'll get too impatient and it will be harder if the IVF doesn't take. For us I don't mind if our children want to try and find the donor in later life (my wife has never me her dad) but it won't be something I'm looking for in the profile. To us education and personality will be more important than attitude towards a child there is a large chance they will never meet.

I have a question for those not single, do you worry about disappointing your partner if the ivf/iui is unsuccessful? I know it's stupid but I know it will hurt her when we get told that the embryo didn't take, is guilt normal? X

Angliski totally the same-when my best friend announced last year she was pregnant with her 3rd and oh it happened on the first try 🙄 I'm just like ahhhhhh I want that to happen to me!!!!!!!

My donor is soooo lovely, his note is just gorgeous, I have 2 more attempts with him, I really want him to be the daddy just cos he seems just a lovely lovely man

I'm not sure what I'd call the donor....just want a bfp first