#makeithappen TTC through Donor IUI or Donor IVF or just undecided – all welcome! Thread #6

[kwick]

This thread is for anyone trying to conceive... or thinking about doing so through donor IUI or donor IVF. Nothing TMI - feel free to join, we are a lovely group here to support and help keep the cray-cray away!

Here is the link to the previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2832207--makeithappen-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2769549-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen-loadsofBFPs
Here is the link to the thread before that: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2688511-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome-makeithappen
Here is the link to the one before that one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2587046-TTC-through-Donor-IUI-or-Donor-IVF-or-just-undecided-all-welcome
And the one before that!: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1877198-Donor-IUI

karen thanks for your kind thoughts, I'm jealous of the puppy! Though my cat would hate it :) I think I'm going to try and plan lots of nice things over the next few months to pass the time and get in a good mindset. It's nice Spring is sort of coming (here.... not sure about Canada?!), got out and did some gardening for the first time this year and it was so therapeutic :) I can't imagine how you must be feeling at the moment, i both long for and dread that stage - my mind would be totally frazzled! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way :)

Hi bear (love the name)
Where is the clinic you've chosen? I'm at Tunbridge wells Care clinic

My friend sent me this postcard.....think it's a good mantra for us all 🤓

Pez - ooh a resident expert

I've been waiting until I had two years of accounts for my freelance business (which I will as of the end of March) to remortgage. Now that I'm pregnant do I basically not have a hope in hell of being accepted for a new mortgage?

Hoping, if you move house you would be 'porting' your existing mortgage so unless you borrow more, your existing lender wouldn't need to go into the whole affordability calculation. But if you choose to remortgage to another lender then it's a full assessment.
In the case of remortgaging (i.e. not moving house but switching your mortgage to another provider), you would also need to go through a full assessment. However what they ask is if your circumstances are likely to change in the next year or so, so in theory if you're not officially pregnant then, nobody could prove you were lying. I know I shouldn't say that but honestly as long as you know the loan is affordable it shouldn't be a problem.

If you do declare you're expecting a child, they will take childcare costs into account in your affordability assessment (either based on ONS or your own numbers whichever the higher) so if you know your income will largely cover the additional expense, there is no reason you would be declined. Most lenders have detailed affordability calculators you can use on their website that you can play around with.

Sorry everyone else for this tedious note!

Ah ah Pickle I bought myself the same postcard years ago and had it on my fridge for a while. Love it!

snork it was 19 degrees here today. Very abnormal but lovely. Back to possible snow this weekend. My possible estimated due date is Molly's birthday. :). A good sign possibly?

Re online CBT...

Some people find CBT useful in certain situations so I wouldn't discount (face to face) CBT completely. It's been picked up by the NHS because it's cheap to deliver, as it's generally time limited (a set number of sessions rather than open ended) and can be delivered by relatively inexperienced staff because it's manualised (there is a methodology to follow). It's also been easier to "prove it works" than other therapies and thus incorporate it into NICE guidelines (which are "evidence based" recommendations) because it tends to be very focused on a specific presenting issue, so you can give a client/patient a questionnaire at the beginning, get them to score how it affects them, and then repeat it at the end when hopefully the symptoms will have been relieved, at least for the time being.

There is some evidence that in the longer term it appears less effective than end of treatment/short term follow ups suggest.

I personally think online CBT is a travesty. Most research into therapy concludes that the specific type of therapy doesn't matter that much and that it's the relationship with the therapist that is the useful factor. You cannot have a relationship with an online self help course.

I don't really get why anyone would be referred for CBT for bereavement. The point of CBT is to help you identify irrational and unhelpful thoughts and behaviours and change them. There is nothing irrational or unhelpful about grieving in the aftermath of a miscarriage. It's just something you need to do in your own way.

If you do want to pay for a bit of short term counselling then have a look here to find someone: http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

If you want long term therapy it sounds like between us we've probably tried most things, so just ask

Shoes, affordability assessment and criteria for self employed can vary a bit with some lenders but it should follow the same logic, I.e. take into account all related expenses into the calculation and check your income covers everything. So as I'm sure you assessed everything before getting pregnant (as we are all so responsible on then thread ), I very much doubt you'll end up being a mortgage prisoner

Ha ha Pez I was about to save your professional face by saying there is no need to tell anyone you're pregnant if they can't find out another way!

As, sadly, the experience did our thread friends show, there is no way of knowing what the next year holds.

Pez - ah, you assume wrong . I'll be living on statutory maternity pay for a few months so there's no way I'd pass the affordability assessment based on that. But if they were to go on my current income, I'd be fine.

Funnily enough Pez I think it's one of your mortgages I want (if I have correctly remembered the hints about a certain coloured brand?!)

I actually pretty much intend to become a mortgage prisoner so I want a lifetime tracker (a real one that tracks the BoR BR, not a bullshit made up bank base rate. Not many out there and I don't think the market leader will lend against my flat. Five stories, no lift, I am on first floor but that doesn't seem to matter. Also block is slightly under 25% privately owned, rest is local authority. It was privately built but LA took on the head lease in the past. It's not concrete and is decent area.

If I'm right about who you work for then I couldn't seen anything int be lending criteria that ruled me out....

Sorry everyone. I'm geekily interested in mortgages.

pez thank you that's really helpful. I think im porting a mortgage and getting more to get second property. I think I'll keep mum unless obvious as don't want to jinx anything.

I'll see what happens this cycle I think. All being well ill ovulate early next week.

witch also appreciate your advice 😊

Have PMed the consultant name Pez. Happy to share with anyone, just a bit wary of someone showing up here after a google search and initiating a debate about a named individual. Don't want any defamation on our thread!

Hummm shoes, it might be difficult for you to say you didn't know you were pregnant in early April!!! Without regular income you might struggle to pass the stress test... Is your existing mortgage so horrendous or can you wait a bit? I'll ask a few colleagues on Monday to understand what happens in these situations.

Witch, we do have restrictions on building types too (all top lenders are pretty much aligned on those), can't remember the maximum storeys without lift on top of my mind. Have you checked the full criteria on the intermediaries website? There's a PDF you can download. Or PM me some details if you want.

Hoping, if you're retaining a property and letting it, bear in mind the new taxes on rental income and stamp duty, and also the property would need to be 145% self financing as per new rules. It has changed a lot recently so still possible but not as easy as it used to be... I feel awful saying this!!

Never thought I would spend so much time talking about parking and mortgages when I joined MN

Haha sorry pez didn't mean to put you in work mode. Financial adviser has all my figures and wage etc and so he has done sums and it's possible. Extra stamp duty painful but I can do it. Next steps is figuring out when to speak to work, get pregnant, find house, get this one ready to rent, find a property management company , find someone to rent this, move and then settle ready for baby.

Guess I need something to occupy my mind when I'm pregnant?! 😳

Thanks Pez - my current mortgage is on a good rate. I've got a year left on a tracker. I want to fix in case interest rates rise in the next few years. I can switch and fix with the same provider without having to do the affordability checks again it seems (I've received a mortgage offer from them for a 5-year fix) but their early repayment charge is huge (7% in year one).

My financial back up plan if I find I'm struggling too much with baby, childcare costs, not being able to work full time etc. is to sell my house and move up North (with the equity in my current house I could buy a 2-bed place near my parents pretty much out-right) so the massive early repayment charge is a concern.

I had my eye on a mortgage with a provider who do a 5-year fix with no ERC, just at a slightly higher rate and I was hoping to remortgage to it.

Makes sense shoes

I always think that if I struggle it will be during the first 2 years as after that I should be entitled to the 15h free childcare from the government (I think everyone can get this), so if you think of it, by the time you come off your tracker rate you'll only be a year away from free childcare... and there's always the option of being on your lender's SVR for a few months if you need more time to make a decision...

Lots of money talk for a Friday night 😁

We are all super women, do you realise that??

Shoes; such lovely words, as always.
I'm sorry to hear you've been in the same situation I am now. So glad to hear you're managing, though!
I've always been a sickly person, starting with pneumonia at 3 and scarlet fever when I was around the same age, or maybe a bit older, I don't know. Then it spiralled from there, and I just haven't stopped! Luckily none of my ailments are life threatening, and they're just that - ailments.
Wow - that gives me hope! The most tablets I've been on a day was 17, but I've dwindled that right down now. Hoping I can be totally med free one day too... Just my mental health ones I'm on now, and obviously I'd need to come off them to TTC, because of the risks, and hopefully I won't need to go back on them. It's just a worry because it's my heart - my grandad had a heart attack at 27/28... I'm worrying I could go down the same road

Welcome Bear. You'll find everything you need and more on this thread! I love the name - me and my Grandad call each other big bear/baby bear, lol. It came about because he lives in a big blue house 😂

Ooh Pez - it's handy to know we have a mortgage intellect on the thread

Oooh ladies you've reminded me I need to renew my mortgage and got me googling options! I bloody love this thread and all of you, helping me in ways I would never have imagined!

witch "I don't really get why anyone would be referred for CBT for bereavement. The point of CBT is to help you identify irrational and unhelpful thoughts and behaviours and change them. There is nothing irrational or unhelpful about grieving in the aftermath of a miscarriage. It's just something you need to do in your own way". Sorry for quoting you but this was my thought exactly!! How I see it is, CBT can help with the symptoms but not so much the cause. I've had both CBT and counselling, the CBT has been great for OCD as irrational thoughts are the very essence of OCD, but in terms of understanding what factors in my life have led me to develop such high anxiety and irrational beliefs, I definitely needed more in depth, explorative counselling. Now I'm at the point where I feel like I've talked all that stuff through til the cows come home and understand where my "issues" have come from, but I still struggle with managing the anxiety, so I'm planning a bit more CBT to brush up my coping strategies. Absolutely agree that grief/anger is not irrational! My understanding of bereavement counselling is that it gives you the space to explore and process all those very legitimate feelings.

We are all super women! (That just reminded me of this which really made me laugh Q_

Thanks so much Pez, have replied to PM with the bizarre assortment of details which apparently reveal whether my flat is a safe bet!

Snork veteran of many years of psychodynamic psychotherapy here. It's taken a long, long time but I really have significantly changed. I've also come to understand that for me the insight into why I am how I am is useful but what has been more important is experiencing a different kind of relationship with the therapist. It's like having a second go at childhood!

Lol witch that made me laugh 😂

Ah ah ah witch that's hilarious 😂

Thanks all for the welcome reading this thread makes a big step feel a lot less scary. pickle I am in Scotland so using the GCRM clinic and most likely ESB as the clinic is short on donors. Challenge will be managing all the appointments around work as the clinic is just over an hour away (2hours in traffic).