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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

IVF for a girl

231 replies

Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 15:50

A few questions ...

I want a girl SO much and being totally honest with myself I think this is so much my preference that I would worry about bonding with a boy.

So, has anyone had IVF for a girl? I know it's not done in this country - America?

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Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 20:49

No, indeed, and perhaps I should have rephrased that, but I still feel there's little to be gained in going round in circles.

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Offred · 30/01/2017 20:51

No, perhaps not. I appreciate that whatever you decide it is clear you are struggling with this and I honestly do genuinely hope whatever happens it turns out to be happy for you.

Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 20:51

I'm wondering if there are any specific forums for this kind of thing? Perhaps they'd be more able to advise you about every aspect in a more meaningful and helpful way. They may also be able to advise you of the legal ramifications, costs and places that offer it.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 20:53

Well, I think I possibly need to have a careful think. I doubt, in some ways, it's something I would do but that doesn't mean I don't want to, in a sense. But your post really did give me pause for thought Mungo. I have thought it before but always in the sense I am rejected by men: it hadn't previously occurred to me perhaps its coming from me.

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PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 20:55

I have thought it before but always in the sense I am rejected by men: it hadn't previously occurred to me perhaps its coming from me.

This is exactly the sort of thing a good therapist would uncover with you.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 20:58

As I've said Purple I'm not as confident as you are in the benefits of therapy and besides, as I've said, identifying issues is a tiny part of the problem, as it were. It's actually changing those issues. But thank you. I'm not sounding dismissive, just explaining my own stance.

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Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 20:58

As in, you perhaps give off signs that you're not interested in a relationship with a man?

Is the rejection that you feel from your relationship with your father or had I told occurred throughout life with potential romantic partners too?

Even if you don't decide to go ahead with it, having all of the available information will enable you to be sure that you won't regret it if you see what I mean? And in that case, a more specialised forum may help you with that. I do believe that you need all of the information you can get to make any kind of big decision, especially one this big.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 21:00

Yes, absolutely, although I'm not sure there are any specialised forums for 'ugly women with dad issues who spent their formative years being called a dog!'

Grin

(Above is VERY tongue in cheek, don't be offended anyone, please!)

I haven't ever even come close to having a romantic relationship. This does sadden me.

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Offred · 30/01/2017 21:02

Oh god there must be millions of forums for women who feel like that and have experienced it!

It is quite sad to read how many times you have called yourself ugly... it is sad you feel that way about yourself. Sad

Offred · 30/01/2017 21:04

You could even pop on over to relationships TBH... so many people would relate I think...

Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 21:08

Yes, absolutely, although I'm not sure there are any specialised forums for 'ugly women with dad issues who spent their formative years being called a dog!'

Hey, you never know... there's all sorts of weird shit out there on the web! Wink

I find it really quite upsetting how you refer to yourself op. You are more than a bunch of features arranged in a way which appeals to someone else. Who says you're ugly?

Offred · 30/01/2017 21:10

In a lot of ways I have often found MN better than therapy mainly because of the access to it and the safety of being anonymous.

I have had times where I felt as you do about therapy too but I realised somethings like the importance of the style and relationship with the therapist matters and that it is really pointless doing therapy if you actually aren't prepared to engage with it (as I wasn't sometimes).

I found a couple of therapists great (though have had about 6) and particularly inner child therapy and person centred was really good as was one abuse specific one. Different people respond to different people and styles differently.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 21:12

Offred, we do agree on something Grin

I feel where therapy is concerned I have quite high levels of self awareness but lack the ability to actually take what I know and change it in a meaningful and positive way.

I do feel very unattractive, and while I know that I shouldn't look for validation from the opposite sex, I do use my lack of prior relations as 'proof' of my inherant ugliness!

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Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 21:12

Offred I agree. I had therapy for bereavement with a family support person while waiting for an actual counsellor to become available to me and she helped me far more than the counsellor did, purely because I felt more comfortable with her and felt that she was truly listening to me without trying to fix me fin you see what I mean. It makes a huge difference to feel comfortable with someone whom you trust.

Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 21:16

I do feel very unattractive, and while I know that I shouldn't look for validation from the opposite sex, I do use my lack of prior relations as 'proof' of my inherant ugliness!

This says more about others than it does about you Squirrels.

Perhaps it's more of a combination of your history making you apprehensive, maybe a lack of confidence and not having met someone whom you've had a meaningful connection? That doesn't mean it can never or will never happen.

Offred · 30/01/2017 21:17

I know why I got on with person centred better BTW - it was because it felt like it was my space that I controlled and it was helping to empower me to solve my own issues in my own way...

CBT I find to be the most unhelpful bollocks in the world ever mainly because it feels like it starts from a position of patronising and invalidating me.

Offred · 30/01/2017 21:18

Could the belief that you are ugly be a way of pre-empting rejection and keeping yourself safe from it?

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 21:20

I think that's very likely to be true Offred

I have never had CBT - when I've had counselling it's been "person centred."

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friendlyflicka · 30/01/2017 21:21

I was reading this with some interest, i.e. it was thought provoking issue, and I don't feel you would necessarily mess up a potential child by choosing its sex any more than you would in many other far more socially acceptable ways...however,

..Squirrelscanswim, I admire how well you express yourself; you clearly have an admirable sense of humour; and I think you have kept your composure very well on this thread...all of these abilities would be appreciated by a daughter to be at some point..but,

..your lack of self-regard would not be a very welcoming attribute for a mother. I think a mother who doesn't value herself would be far more damaging than a mother who chose the sex of her child.

I don't think counselling is always particularly useful, but I do think before you embark on motherhood you should try by some means to value yourself a little more. Even in in the most superficial terms. Having a daughter, it is crucially important to teach her to love her body. If you dislike yours to the extent you suggest, you are going to be passing on an unhappy viewpoint.

Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 21:23

Oh I've had cbt for a long term health problem and agree that I felt it was utter bollocks!

Offred · 30/01/2017 21:24

And lol at this;

I feel where therapy is concerned I have quite high levels of self awareness but lack the ability to actually take what I know and change it in a meaningful and positive way.

The main thing I get told is 'oh you have brilliant insight' well yeah but that's just meaning I feel like shit about everything... insight is not what I need help with... it's feeling suicidal...

Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 21:26

I don't think counselling is always particularly useful, but I do think before you embark on motherhood you should try by some means to value yourself a little more. Even in in the most superficial terms. Having a daughter, it is crucially important to teach her to love her body. If you dislike yours to the extent you suggest, you are going to be passing on an unhappy viewpoint.

I think that this is a very good point!
Your self esteem and how you hold and view yourself will have a massive impact on a child.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 21:26

Again, I do know what you mean, and I think this is where whether I had a son or daughter, whether I had a partner or was single, whatever my circumstances, I would certainly be a lot more circumspect in how I expressed myself and try to model a more positive image. I also think, in some circumstances and in some contexts it is okay to be honest but also to stress your way isn't the best way. For example, my dad smoked and was very worried I would take it up and from a very young age was admirably (I felt) honest about the fact he didn't feel he could give up and that smoking had been a stupid mistake. I am critical of some of my parents' actions, but I felt they handled that well. (And I've never smoked!)

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Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 21:27

Offred Flowers yes, self awareness can be a double edged sword, can't it!

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Mungobungo · 30/01/2017 21:28

Ultimately as a parent you won't get everything right all the time. The importance is of a stable and loving home. And that goes for you too, it's important as a mum that you're happy in your own skin too.