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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

IVF for a girl

231 replies

Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 15:50

A few questions ...

I want a girl SO much and being totally honest with myself I think this is so much my preference that I would worry about bonding with a boy.

So, has anyone had IVF for a girl? I know it's not done in this country - America?

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:21

Lum, I don't have anxiety but parts of your post did resonate.

However, and in return, I mean this nicely - 'get help' - how? :) You can't just rock up to the doctor and say 'I only want a daughter because I am on my own!'

Cool, thank you. I suppose I have always wanted to be a parent, but unfortunately life got in the way and I haven't met anyone special to share this experience with (this is still my preferred option.) Not being a mum breaks my heart.

But I have tried to imagine holding my son, parenting him, and it just feels flat, somehow. As I've said I wish I didn't feel like this. But I do. Rather than pretending I don't feel like this, and going ahead with a result that I might not want (which would be horrific) I wondered about taking matters into my own hands as it were.

OP posts:
Sunnie1984 · 30/01/2017 16:22

You can choose the gender if you undergo IVF in Dubai.

Bloggybollocks · 30/01/2017 16:23

Any establishment offering ivf for a certain sex would surely require you to undergo psychological assessment beforehand? From what you have said here I don't think you would stand a chance. Your skewed fixations on sex are at best deeply flawed and worst, indicative of mental health problems. No Dr or clinic is going to proceed in your circumstances. It's deeply, morally and ethically wrong and not something any child should be born into.

CoolJazz · 30/01/2017 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penfold007 · 30/01/2017 16:25

As previously said it's illegal in most countries except in certain genetic situations. However, it is legal in Northern Cyprus and there are clinics you can easily find online.

kel1234 · 30/01/2017 16:32

I had a strong preference for a girl. I'm married. We had a boy. I struggled with gender disappointment at first. But I bonded with my son really well.
I'd never want to choose. But I still hope for a girl next time

BlueKarou · 30/01/2017 16:35

As a single parent who had a baby via IVF knowing from the beginning she would be single throughout I can slightly empathise. I had thoughts in the early days that it would likely be easier to have a daughter and not have to work out how to raise a boy.

Then at my 20 week scan I asked to know the sex of my baby and was told it looked like a boy and that was it. I was going to be a mum of a boy and ok there were some nerves, but nothing was more scary than the fact that I was going to have to look after a real actual baby, that it would be a boy was just a tiny thing in the long run.

I don't think there's a single 'unhealthy' or 'intense' thing about a woman bringing up a male child rather than a female. With or without a male partner/role model. Bonding hasn't been an issue so far (he's almost a year old) - he is my world and I am his.

Obviously you're going to do what you're going to do, regardless of the opinion of a bunch of faceless strangers online. I suspect you won't find anyone on here who has done what you're suggesting simply because this is a British forum, and that sort of IVF is not done here (for good reason IMHO but that's not the discussion you were looking for) and the number of people who go abroad for sex selective IVF must be, I reckon, very small.

I don't know how sex selection works in IVF, but have done a very quick search and it backs up my reasons why I would never do this; what would you do if your clinic got, say, 4 viable embryos but all 4 were males? Would you just throw them out and try again? (I guess the question there is which do you value higher; having a baby or specifically having a daughter.) Presumably you wouldn't just go with a sperm sorting method as it's relatively unreliable and you could end up with a male child.

Good luck, OP. I personally cannot agree with what you want to do, but it's nothing to do with me so why should I. If you have any questions about IVF I am happy to share my experiences, but have nothing positive to say about the sex selective side of things.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:35

Bloggy in all honesty, this isn't the case.

Most places are happy for whoever to access their services providing you can pay.

Thank you, Penfold

OP posts:
titchy · 30/01/2017 16:35

. But knowing how you feel is wrong doesn't stop you from feeling it.

That's what therapy is for.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:36

Thank you, Blue

I haven't wholly decided (on anything) it's one possibility of many, I suppose. But it's as well to know what your possible options are.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:36

In some cases, but I'm not really interested in therapy. I have had it before and did not find it very helpful. Thank you, though.

OP posts:
Lumberries · 30/01/2017 16:38

Squirrelscanswim you absolutely can rock up to your GP and say that. When I went in about anxiety, i rocked up, burst in to tears and screamed at my GP that my house was dirty and I needed to buy a new one quickly Blush. 4 months later I'd had extensive CBT and some medication that meant I haven't been back to that very dark place since :)

They've seen/ heard it all. Hell, if I can spot there's something wrong from a few words on the internet I can guarantee your GP will be able to tell exactly the same thing.

If you're anything like me you're probably quite chattery whenever you talk about the baby thing online/ in person (for me it was the new house I was definitely 100% going to build myself Hmm) and this is referred to often (and wrongly) as mania. That's a really scary word but basically it means all you want to talk about is this single thing, you're fixated on it completely and you sort of "go off" into this space where your ideal is so vivid it just HAS to be just like that when it happens.

For you, it sounds like this vivid mental picture contains a female baby, so naturally you'll defy the law, scientific morality and finance to get that one thing that is absolutely the most important thing ever.

Trust me, I've been there and it feels awesome to be putting a plan together to get this "thing" you want so you keep going and going and going with it because you know if you stop imagining it, it won't happen.

OP, go to your GP. They deal with this every single day, it's the most common thing that they see according to my GP.

On a general note, how are things in the rest of your life? You've referred to being single a few times and give the impression that you'd like to be in a couple and planning a baby. How old are you?

I ask only because my anxiety triggered from a work issue: I wanted a promotion and someone else got it instead of me. I became unhappy with my life which triggered the imagining of a better life, then the fixation and before I knew it I was a little bubble of manic anxiety. It's a pig shit thing to happen.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:40

No ... I'm really not like that at all, Lum and I've certainly no intention of seeing my GP. Thank you, I do appreciate your post, but you aren't describing 'me' at all.

I am 36. I've been thinking about the possibility of having a baby using donor sperm since I was 30.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 30/01/2017 16:43

The types of clinics which will do gender selection IVF are ethically dubious anyway. Many use donor eggs from women for instance who are exploited for their eggs i.e. Paid a pittance for them in poor countries yet they charge an extortionate amount for those who use their services. I realise you would presumably be using your own eggs (although if over 35 you're again on shaky ground,) but even so are you happy doing business with an establishment which is happy to exploit women who feel they have no other means of income but to sell their eggs and then sells that service at an exorbitant amount to couples so desperate to conceive they'll pay any price?

Also there's the question of how far you're prepared to go in search of your girl. If you do a cycle and the embrio's are all male will you discard them and try again? And again? And again until you get a cycle with a female embrio? I know someone who had IVF for genetic selection to eliminate a potentially fatal condition, and it took four IVF attempts before they had embrio's who were clear of the condition. Even then, he said that it was a gruelling process and that the idea of discarding embrio's based on the condition was difficult even though they knew that the reasons why they were having the IVF would be to the ultimate benefit of the child.

Lumberries · 30/01/2017 16:45

That's fine OP, I would suggest you answer the question internally though: are you happy?

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:45

I don't honestly know, WannaBe-. It's all very, VERY hypothetical and, excuse the pun, in the embryonic stages of planning. Really it's about the child and their life and I think I could make a girl happier than a boy. That's the crux of the matter. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:45

I'm not, no, but that's obvious!

OP posts:
Lumberries · 30/01/2017 16:46

It is obvious yes, look at that.

EweAreHere · 30/01/2017 16:47

I believe sex selection is only done in America for family completion, eg when someone has 2 boys, and they want their 3rd child to be a girl. They generally won't do it for a one and only child/ first child, unless it's for documented genetic reasons like passing on a terrible disease.

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:49

Thank you, Ewe

OP posts:
Astoria7974 · 30/01/2017 16:51

If you're not ready to have a child of either sex, you're not ready to be a parent. Even foreign places that do offer sex selection might refuse to have you on their books, as there's clearly an undiagnosed MH issue at play here. Get yourself some help first and then think about becoming a parent.

WannaBe · 30/01/2017 16:53

I am usually the last to shout "why not adopt" but, as you say this is just about bringing up a girl, would you consider the possibility of adopting from a country where girls are routinely given up due to them being girls?

Original poster
Squirrelscanswim · 30/01/2017 16:53

I can assure you that I do not have MH issues, diagnosed or otherwise, and even if I did, it's not headlice or a sore throat I can cheerily get treatment for.

OP posts:
Astoria7974 · 30/01/2017 17:00

This is a joke or goady post. Has to be. GPs do support and treat MH issues in all countries. So yes you can 'cheerily' get treatment. Am reporting you.

WannaBe · 30/01/2017 17:02

OP so ask yourself, do you want a girl? Or do you want to be a parent? Because there is a difference. If you were told tomorrow that you could have a baby but the only baby you would ever be able to have would be a boy, would you rather give up the idea of having a baby than having a boy?

If this is just about you having a girl, then you're not ready to be a parent. There's no romantic ideal in having a girl. A girl isn't going to magic all your unhappiness away, in fact the pressure she will feel growing up is far more likely to push her away than bring her closer to you.

We romanticise this idea of having a baby but it's nothing like we imagine it is.