IVF for a girl

[Squirrelscanswim]

A few questions ...

I want a girl SO much and being totally honest with myself I think this is so much my preference that I would worry about bonding with a boy.

So, has anyone had IVF for a girl? I know it's not done in this country - America?

And would you be confident in actually properly explaining to them why you didn't think it was wrong but it is illegal here?

mum specifically, gender selection.

When I first started thinking of being a single parent I did my research, fear not.

I'm not entirely sure what sort of peer support you feel a child would need offred

Because it is the child you will be accountable to, not anyone else.

offred funnily enough, I'd feel horrific.

But there is at least an equal chance their whole life would be fucked up through never having a father / brought up by a single mother / etc. The whole 'what would you do if' is impossible to answer, and rather unfair.

Honestly if you don't think a child who lived in a society where sex selection is illegal and widely condemned for a big list of reasons would need peer support on finding out then you have no clue about humans nevermind children!!!

There certainly isn't an 'equal chance' it would be fucked up by not having a dad or having a single mother.

The risks are exponentially higher especially with being gender selected, ivf, single parent, no father etc

I think, offred, what you are really saying is, 'I disagree with what you are hypothetically proposing to do, and therefore I think your child will also disagree with it and be irreparably damaged by it."

Certainly there is a discussion to be had around medical ethics but in effect implying that 'my life was ruined because I was born' is odd.

Obviously I disagree, as will virtually 100% of the people you speak to about it.

The point of what I am saying is to give you just a teeny tiny glimpse of the questions and grievances and problems the resulting dd might put to you... which is obviously something you really should think about and will be x a million from your own child compared to strangers on the internet.

It's not just medical ethics. It is illegal in the vast majority of countries to sex select based on feelings.
Do you disregard the law of this country based on your feelings usually? If not, why not?
And of all of us disregarded the law every time we have strong feelings about something then what would the ramifications be for our society?

Just to pick up on a point you posted at 19.25. If you are very overweight an IVF clinic may not treat you anyway.

I'm not proposing to break the law, any more than an Irish woman accessing a termination on the mainland is.

Sorry? I'm not overweight. What made you think this?

And obviously no-one can say how the dd would feel about it but you should at least acknowledge that there is a risk that it would cause her huge irreparable damage (and your relationship with her) and weigh that risk against your desire to do it.

My mum wanted a girl. She too was a single parent. She too thought she could 'make a girl happier'.

I suffer from depression and an eating disorder. I'm very far from happy. She is too intense and I can't deal with her endless drive to make me happy, which is usually founded on materialism, yet at the same time she hates Anything that makes me distinct from or better than her.

Be careful what you wish for. I'm pretty fucked up.

Irish women are not doing something illegal by having an abortion in England because of an amendment to Irish law (passed in the 1980's after a test case IIRC) which gave them the right to travel for abortions, as well as allowing information about accessing abortions overseas to be distributed.

I don't think that you would necessarily be prosecuted in the U.K. for having sex selective IVF in another country. (Though it is possible.) But I do think that it could raise a red flag about you with some agencies here (such as social services).

"Sorry? I'm not overweight. What made you think this?"

You said this "but looking like the back end of a bus does bring these problems with it!"

Where I come from this means you are overweight.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend , but that is the meaning I took from your statement.

And even if she feels positively about it, others feel very negatively about it and she would have to reconcile that with herself and her relationship with you.

For example people might drop you as a friend, subject you to abuse, family might cut you off etc... even taking what it is you want to do out of the equation, going against something the vast majority of society consider to be very wrong is difficult in itself.

And going into it with pre-existing unsuccessfully resolved issues re your own parents/childhood will make it much harder

Some I do understand. I wanted a girl ( was married ) but concieved my DS...The funny thing is now I am so pleased he was not a girl. I think I would of spent my DD life trying to fix the things that went wrong. I look at the row of girl toys and think how much more fun boys are.

I really don't care what anyone thinks of my DS coming to toilet with me if I think it is appropriate.

One thing once you become a mum your perception of everything changes. I would not of considered myself a confident person...However I will fight tooth and nail for anything I consider my son needs. I have taken him to church as it suits him and his philosophy. You will not have any idea what life is like as a parent till you are one.

I wasn't offended, just confused :) I meant I was ugly rather than fat!

Offred thank you for the concern. I also do not think prosecution is s likely outcome.

I am one of five girls, brought up solely by DM as dad was a waste of space. DM is also one of four girls, again brought up pretty much solely by her DM. 90% of my cousins are also female so very few male influences in my life, yet I'm bringing up a son as a single mother, ex isn't much more use than mine was.
I get your preference for a girl, I wanted a girl whilst I was pregnant, I even had a name picked out and would speak to my tummy using chosen name. When I found out I was having a boy, it was a bit of a shock, and I had to get my head around it; more to the fact that I didn't have a clue how I would handle bringing up a boy when I've had only female influences and I've no important men in my life to be a 'good male role model' or whatever.
DS is now 2 and I've loved every minute of being a mummy to a boy, and I don't ever wish he had been a girl.
I do think your reasons for wanting a girl over a boy are quite worrying and perhaps you really should seek counselling for it, because it's not healthy the way you feel from what you say, and that attitude isn't really healthy to pass onto your child, which inevitably is likely to happen given how strongly you feel about it.

@iamastonished back end of a bus refers to being unattractive, not overweight.

OP, I can't decide if you are even being serious here or not. But, though you won't accept it, you are demonstrating some very distorted thought patterns and don't really know what you want.
For a start, your chances of IVF success on the first go post 36 years of age are ridiculously low so this isn't the shopping exercise you seem to think it is. You don't just pitch up at a clinic, pay and come home up the duff waving a pink Mylar balloon.

Also, if you live in a tiny flat, but have access to thousands of pounds then you aren't thinking like a parent. You should spend the money on improving your living situation first.

I know you won't listen because you think you know better, despite never having had a child of any gender, but you don't know better. Bonding with and raising a child depends entirely on the child themselves and has bugger all to do with their sex. I am far, far closer to my younger son than my older daughter. My son and I are very similar people, share the same attitude to life, and he has no problems chatting to me when I'm wearing a tshirt and knickers while his sister slams her door in disgust at my wanton behaviour. I can't see she and I spending much time alone together when she's an adult but my son I expect will pop in most days after work for a coffee. My younger daughter is only a child still but I do have a close relationship with her and probably will when she's older as again, we have similar temperaments, but what if she was the embryo that didn't take and my elder daughter was the one you'd paid £20k for?? Who didn't want to be cooped up in a pokey flat with you, who preferred male company, who was nothing like you in any fundamental part of character?

So far I've avoided posting here because I just didn't know what to say, but something about your posts don't sit well with me.

I totally get that you feel the way you feel, yet a couple of your comments have made me go 'hmmmmm'. Namely when you wrote about a mum-son relationship not being healthy and when you imply that the logistics of living with a boy would be awkward (trips to the bathroom etc) and that it would be looked at weirdly if you took your son on holiday. From what I've read from your comments, it seems that you have an ingrained issue with men/boys but have no desire to deal with that issue. I wonder whether there's been an anusive situation in the past which has made you feel uncomfortable around boys/men? (Other than the previous bullying)

As for your implication that a mum/son relationship wouldn't be as close or appropriate compared to a mum/daughter one, I'm utterly confused. Most mums of boys that I know have very strong bonds without their sons, the same as mum's nephew daughters do with their daughters.

Forgive me if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick, but it comes across that you feel the need for a daughter to fill a relationship void or perhaps to address something deeper, which imo is not responsible parenting and wouldn't be healthy for the child.

With regards to ivf for sex selection, I have very little knowledge about it however, I do know that IVF is VERY invasive, difficult physically, emotionally and mentally as well as being a costly gamble with really quite shitty odds. So if you do go ahead, please do so with eyes wide open, knowing that it'll be hard going, especially going it alone and also that the chances of success are slim to none.

Squirrel, I'm a mum to toddler boy and baby girl. With my 1st pregnancy I not only had a gut feeling he was a boy, but if I'm honest a longing for a son. Why? Because I've seen how madly complicated so many mother/ daughter relationships can be... I'm generalising hugely here- but boys/ men are basically more simple beings, sure I'll have my arguments with him along the way but a mother/ son bond is so special as fundamentally if your a kind, caring mum who gives love but isn't clingy/overbearing the odds are you'll always have a great relationship. Girls/ mums have so many more issues to combat. I love my girl insanely but even as a 8 month old baby can see how much more complicated she is! To be a single mum and have a son by your side is very special, but so would be having the bond with a daughter. I'd focus on a much wanted child, irrelevant of their sex and wouldn't add even more complications/ stress/ expectations/ cost by only bring happy with a girl.