Feeling really sad and angry

[lifesallgoneabitsh1t]

I had a hybrid mediation meeting today (both solicitors and mediator)

shuttle mediation

negotiating finances

we reached ‘agreement’ but I just feel so very sad and angry and hopeless. I probably have adhd so my emotions do tend to overwhelm me, but I can’t see a future and really don’t want to keep going any longer.

i can’t face clearing out the house, selling it, trying to buy somewhere as mortgage rates increase, working two or three jobs to pay the mortgage etc. I just don’t want to carry on but I know I have to for my kids

Try to take it one day at a time.
I’m sure more useful advice will be along shortly.

So sorry to hear this. You are bound to feel overwhelmed right now. It’s a lot to process.
You are right your DC need you.

Is there anyone you can speak to IRL? The Samaritans are always there to listen.

Thank you. My family that i have are far away and aren’t supportive. I’m basically no contact with my mum. My dad is dead. My step-mum thinks my ex is hard done to and I should have tried harder. My ex is charming, but a different person behind closed doors.

all my friends are friends with my ex or work for him - he runs a small business in our town. (Incidentally the business is ‘worth nothing’ and he has no assets, which is why I’ve been so shafted financially.) I just have zero hope left. I don’t want to fight through the next 10 years. I’m 52 so borrowing for a mortgage is pricey and he’s just taken half my pension. It just feels so utterly shit

That does sound tough but you will find a way through. Are you still working? Has he got a pension?

Im working full time but in a fairly entry level position-
lost my previous career. Disabled first child and managed to continue career 2 days a week, even after 2nd child but was made redundant when pregnant with 3rd and after that it was impossible to find something in my field, part-time etc, so worked for his business, then in schools and now am training to be a health physicist (my degree is chemistry) but it’s public sector so not well paid and a full on job with assignments etc so it’s difficult for me to even find an evening job

he’s absolutely appalling with money, refused to pay into a pension for most of our marriage. He insisted on taking 25% of his small pension on his 55th birthday claiming it didn’t affect me and even if we split he wouldn’t take mine etc etc. that was the final straw for me as I felt so financially vulnerable as he couldn’t even have a reasonable discussion about finances with me (he was also seeing an old flame of his!) - I explained that it was a red line. He did it anyway and I arranged some counselling, but he got so aggressive in it that the counsellor stopped the session for my safety.

today he took half of my reasonable pension in the agreed heads of terms for the financial order.

i left the marriage to have some financial security and get away from abuse yet I have no financial security (it’s a shitty catch 22) cos I’ve had to give him half of everything and even though he earns three times my salary only a bit goes through paye so he manages to hides the rest.

im just so sad, angry and hopeless

Hope you can get some sound financial advice. Sounds like you are working hard it’s sounding very unequal.

I’ve had enough. All I can think about is ways to end things. I have no more energy to keep going.

How upsetting and infuriating OP.
But you can get through this. I used my anger to spur me through my divorce, and I remembered the person I used to be before I was ground down by my marriage.
It feels daunting, but you'll be amazed what you can do. Draw a line under it, once this is over, you'll no longer be answerable to him, no longer at the mercy of an abusive man who squanders money.
How has he hidden the money? Did you get a years bank statements? It disgusts me that some men get away with hiding stuff - I so thank my lucky stars that my ex was PAYE, so much harder to hide anything.

He just buys things directly through the business (holidays, meals etc) and takes out thousands which at the end of the year he’ll write off as dividends or expenses. He wouldn’t release business bank statements amd I would have needed to pay a forensic accountant to get any further. I’ve already spent £25k+ in legal fees/mediation etc.

i have practically no support, just one or two friends.

i realise now he never loved me, he doesn’t have the capacity to do that. My mum is the same which I think is why I saw it as familiar and accepted it. It just feels like no one has ever cared for me at all. I’ve just looked after my kids and now they just want to spend time with their dad (he’s taking them on their second skiing holiday of the year at Xmas). While I have a house to empty and sell. I’ve worked so hard from such a shit childhood to get some stability and security for me and my kids and I have to start all over. I haven’t got the energy.

You need to have a talk with your GP. Although things are undoubtedly difficult for you just now and you have valid reason to feel as if you don’t have the energy for the next phase of your life, meditation and talking therapy could help support you until you feel stronger. You can do this OP, just one day and one task at a time.

Is your solicitor saying this is a good deal for you ?

Hi there, OP.

We're so sorry to hear how tough things are for you right now. We wanted to share our Mental Health Webguide, which includes contact details for organisations and support services that may be able to help if you're struggling or need someone to talk to.

Please remember that you don't have to cope with everything on your own. If things feel overwhelming, reaching out to a trusted friend, your GP, or one of the organisations listed in the guide can be an important first step.

We're sending you our best wishes, and hope you get the support you need.

Please take care of yourself. 💜

Best wishes,
Faye
MNHQ.

He wouldn’t release business bank statement
That's a big red flag. Remember that your consent order still needs to be rarified by the judge.

It's very possible that the judge won't be satisfied that what you have agreed to is legally fair and reasonable without having had sight of business accounts.

I'm sorry you're going through this. The advice to take things a day at a time is right. When you think of all that has to be done, it is so overwhelming it is easy to freeze. I am 53, self employed and about to start working Saturdays to make ends meet and increase my income for applying for a solo mortgage. But I know it won't be forever.

When I feel overwhelmed by it all - and that is still fairly often after two years - I see my therapist for good old rant, and keep life very quiet. I read it described as 'soft life' which is a good description, walking the dog, baths, telly, books, early nights, nice food. Until I am ready to face the world again.

Look after yourself, and one foot in front of the other is enough for now.

Edited to add that what you said about building from a crap childhood shows resilience, it's exhausting but hold on to the fact that you know you can do it.

Is his business just him self employed so essentially just his income plus a few expenses or is it a larger one with assets, employees, offices etc ? If it’s a Ltd company you should be able to get records off companies house

Really sorry to here about you. I can feel you because once i was also in the same situation and same trauma and divorce story. Stay strong. One day it will work and you will do it.

Your solicitor doesnt seem to have got a great deal for you . How can they reach agreement if he didn't produce bank statements. I know it can be an expensive process but hopefully a judge will question this before he consents .
One day at a time . You will be OK eventually even if it doesn't seem so right now . Many women here have been through similar and will tell you that . Don't try and tackle everything on your own . Your DCs can help with house clearance .

Thank you all and @Fayemumsnet.I have taken today off work, not been feeling great but I did ask a friend over on her way to work. It was quick but it was a hug. And a friend called me at lunchtime.

I phoned Samaritans when I was struggling mid morning and I managed to arrange a 25 minute call with my counsellor at 2pm.

i think physically I’m a bit less shaky and a bit more coherent. I haven’t managed to eat anything today but I’ve taken my antidepressants and had some milky coffees.

i managed to email my solicitor with this - there was a bit more about my ex’s cms calculation but I’ve removed it here because it was amounts/name etc.

’i know you said you were busy today but I think you said we would have a call later in the week.

Can you propose a time?

I feel like yesterday was a blur by the end and I don’t even know if I can accept the terms.

This leaves me far worse off than even the original ‘offer’ of his.

£1000+ in mortgage payments each month, £400 less towards the kids’ costs than before and £60k less pension.

I’m not sure why the mediator and you seemed to suggest that this represents a good deal for me.

You repeatedly said that ‘no one is suggesting you need to take a second job’ but this deal means i have to find a second job/extra income. I’m not sure how you can’t see that.

Please can we discuss? I am off work sick today (no sleep, terrible mental health) so today would work well for a call, but later in the week would be difficult around work if I manage to go back in.

Thanks’

i took a trip to a newsagent and bought a paper to see if i could focus my mind on the crossword but i haven’t attempted it.

overall i just wish i could function a bit. Each time my brain engages it all floods back and I feel a sense of panic, betrayal, anger.

I can’t walk round the house because of the sense of having to complete things before the sale.

i just feel too broken to continue and my (possibly adhd) brain is looking for solutions and there are none, hence why the thoughts of not continuing

Well done for putting yourself first, contacting friends and the Samaritans and taking the day off.
Just eat what you fancy when you can. Milky coffee is good. Maybe get some protein shakes in for when you can’t face eating.

Try Classic FM for calming music or watch some old TV series. Lots of good word puzzles online Blossom, Waffle, Wordlinkle, Wordle and the Guardian Crossword is good.
Look at ideas for an analogue bag.

Well done OP - fight your corner.
My ex's offer to me was dire, and I fought it, and won out in the end.
But I know how you feel - I felt absolute panic over finances and my future, as I didn't know how I wouldn't manage at all. I was a sahm and couldn't find a job! I still can't, but I'm less worried now, as the Judge ensured I had a settlement that gave me financial security. But I was having panic attacks - something I had never experienced before. Hang in there, and look after yourself.

I agree with this Op.

I have no idea how these things work and I see you have paid a lot in legal fees but I think you need a better deal and your feelings post mediation are completely valid because you are being shafted.

So sorry. No advice, just wanted to send support and also to say that, in time, your dc will come to see who your ex really is.

I know you can’t face it all right now but please you need to stay around for your dc and take small steps and be around long enough to see the benefits of playing the long game 💐. It will be hard but it won’t be like this forever. 💐

That doesnt sound like a fair deal and you dont need to agree with that..
Mediation is not legally binding.

Can you prove he has undeclared/undisclosed income?

You can take him to court, but if using solicitors it's not worth it. X

@lifesallgoneabitsh1t op how are you feeling? Have you spoken to your solicitor?

As pp said a judge needs to sign this off and if your ex won't disclose his business financials that is surely going to raise a red flag

Take care of yourself

Yes to solicitor emails back and forth. At least another £25k to get forensic accountant and solicitor advises prob not worth it.

im trying to grieve and accept but im sad and angry and crying a lot.

I wasn’t married but had a partner for 20+ years. I foolishly let the mortgage be in his name only so when we split he said it was his house despite me paying all the bills and nursery fees . I also supported him through long periods of sickness/unemployment. My solicitor was poor and to get my share of the house I had to apply under TOLATA as we were not married. It costs thousands so I now have to wait for him to die or downsize as I have a restriction on the sale of the house. BUT by getting a second job I was able to get a mortgage and the freedom of living with just my son is priceless! I now please myself what I do and while it has been hard work and I have hit rock bottom at times life is good . Hang in there . Things will get better x