Ducks in a Row

[BePrepared2026]

Without going into details, I think my OH wants out of our marriage. Leaving aside all the emotional turmoil of that, I want to be prepared practically. I put off doing life admin but can’t afford to do so for this.

He has become very cagey about his finances. But at the same time very nosy about mine. We don’t share any accounts. We own a property, mortgage free.

He is about to retire - has long service. He always said he would take maximum pension and minimal lump sum. He has switched that lately, wants to take a bigger lump sum. I have no way of getting figures - he hasn’t received them officially yet, he has been using the online calculator from pension provider. His pension and lump sum will be a lot better than mine. He also has more savings.

I still work, but want to retire. Pension not great, small lump sum, but have decent savings (but less than him) and own half the property.

The property was bought in my maiden name and I am in the process of getting changed to my married name with Land Registry. He looked disappointed that I did that. Along with the caginess about money it was that (and a few other things) that raised my suspicions.

My phone is arranged with him - he can’t access the content (I have maximum levels of security on everything) but I assume if there was an acrimonious split he could cut off my access to banking apps etc. Clueless here - can I get a non contract phone to use for emails and add banking apps? I currently have an old Apple phone, never used another supplier.

But what else should I be trying to get copies of - house deeds? Because everything is electronic now I have no access to à lot of his personal stuff.

I am not being greedy, if we do split I would want us both to get a fair and equitable split, but he is being so cagey that I want to be prepared.

He will be asked to disclose those in the divorce. As will you.

if you are both similar ages and married a long time a split is likely 50:50 irrespective of whose name is on what. ( diesnt mean a 50:50 of each asset but at overall level )

I am happy to disclose mine. It’s him I am worried about. I assume he could just lie about his assets/secret accounts.

Who pays for your phone and who can access your apps are completely separate. You can buy a phone and set your apps up on there, no issue at all.

If you think he might cut your phone off, you might want to get this in place now. Are you still in contract? If not, move your number to a PAYG phone (he might need to set this up for you as the current name on the contract but can't see why he would object to this)

I’d agree change the phone. If most of your stuff is separate I think you’re in a good place

My ex H did lie about his own savings and fought me to keep his pension. The money wasted on solicitors letters was galling and I couldn’t prove what I didn’t know.

Does he have paper copies of anything filed anywhere? What about if he died, how would you know how to distribute the estate? Me and my new DH have a spreadsheet with pension providers, savings etc so if the worst were to happen we could just start working through it.

Sorry, to be clearer- you don't need a new physical phone to move your number to a payg contract in your name.

You can't do anything now that would gain you more financially in a divorce because the default position is that marital assets are split 50/50. I am going through it myself at the moment at 55. However, I have no interest in my exH's pension as I have my own.

Why on earth does he provide your phone? Just get your own mobile phone. He can delete all the apps he likes but that doesn't stop you from being able to contact your bank.

I don't really see why updating the house deeds to your married name would mean anything. You should have copies of your house deeds; if the house is jointly owned, I don't understand why you think having a copy of this is some how necessary?

Why don't you just ask him if he is considering a divorce? Then you can actually discuss things with him and begin the process of separation and divorce. You could be wrong about this, he could be withdrawing the lump sum to whisk you away on the trip of a lifetime for all you know!

Ask him!

I have my own phone but its on a deal so we get cheaper rate. Its the data etc that is a shared cost. He doesn’t know what’s on my phone, has no access to any apps. I am just thinking if it all hit the fan he could stop that accesd and I would be stuck with no access to some of my financial affairs etc.

I have know him a long time, so he has tells that I recognise. He isn’t whisking me away anywhere.

I have recently mentioned we should do a will. He fudged it.

Then push this angle again! You need to know what he has for this purpose alone.

He just looks shifty when I raise wills.

If he died I would be up shit creek unless there is an easy way of checking where he might have saved money.

People can and do lie during divorce. But ultimately he will be expected to complete accurately. You and your silver the opportunity to question if you feel there are any anomalies or gaps /missing information etc

if it’s all online and no paper copies there isn’t really Great deal you can do now

I couldn’t put up with this. I would want to know if he was planning to leave. I couldn’t carry on living in the same house as him without knowing.

It’s tricky. I want to blurt it out. But don’t want to poke the hornet’s nest. I don’t mean he is violent or abusive, I mean I don’t want the discussion. I have no support and the thought of going through this on my own is too much for me at the moment. I have had a headache for the last 5 days, its on my mind all the time.

But I can try and get info in advance, but difficult with online accounts.

That does sound hard. I’m sorry that you have no support. 💐

I’m sorry you’re in this situations. A thought I have… what about suggesting doing some estate planning? Say we’re approaching retirement, we need to have our affairs in order, you never know what might happen. Wills but also financial powers of attorney - the latter could flush things out.

He’s an idiot if he thinks taking a lump sum from his pension puts it beyond you

@BePrepared2026sorry just saw he fudged on wills when you mentioned it. What did he say? I would be inclined to just book an appt with a solicitor and say to him “so I’ve made an appointment -“

Re wills, I was going to arrange a free one with my Union. I couldn’t find my membership number, he looked relieved. Then I found it and said I found it, he looked shifty again and muttered something non-committal.

It’s a mess.

Funny how life pans out. I was looking forward to a long earned retirement, time to kick back and feel like the tensions of a daily grind are behind me. But now…who knows. I feel a bit kicked by life this year, and when I saw some light at the end of the tunnel, now I see a big iron impenetrable door and darkness. I am not depressed or anything, feel numb and then angry (I don’t show it) and most of all sad. He was my best mate. I hate that expression, he was my rock, but he was someone in my corner. But something has shifted. He is having some delayed mid life crisis, fears getting old.

Sorry you're going through this, you obviously know him well enough to tell but what if he's not actually planning on leaving? What do you want?

You both sound like you're avoiding talking about it but you're clearly unhappy.

As far as hidden money, if he has hidden it well and doesn't declare it then it likely take a good solicitor and lots of money to find it. Unless you have some evidence of it.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I would stop talking about wills, house deeds and end thing else financial with him. If you need to chat to someone about it try AI as it will all remain confidential.
Do your will and don’t tell him. Scour the house for paperwork, they will be some somewhere.
Make of note of what apps his has on his phone so you can ask about specific bank accounts or pensions if you need to in the future.
The phone can be transferred into your name you just need the PAC code and then to set up with a new provider. Obviously when you do that he’ll know, so it might be wise to wait a few weeks until he’s lulled into a false sense of security again and then say it’s because this is a much better deal.

For now or if you are on your own later, you need to get a handle on how having online banking and online access to insurance works,

Someone else can probably explain it better, but you can access these on almost any phone, laptop or ipad.

What you need is the account name and password. it really isn't any more complicated than online shopping if you already do that, Or using this site ... it asks you to sign in before you can answer,

If you don't already have one I suggest getting an ipad that is just yours and then set up all of your online accounts on it.

Some accounts have extra security so will phone your phone, a pain but it happens, have a look for online for beginners?

If you feel like he is on the edge of wanting to leave ... or even if in your heart of hearts, you want to leave, maybe just have the difficult chat and find out if there is a future together or not. If you do divorce and he is only just starting to shift money to other accounts, when you do your Form E exchange, you need to provide a years bank statements for every account. Just go through his very closely looking for bank transfers between accounts. You only need to find one transfer that leaves his account and does not pop up in another account to point to an undeclared secret account. Similarly, regular cash withdrawals from his account can be questioned if say he is withdrawing large values regularly. Pension valuations need to come from the Pension Company in writing (CETV) and this is also provided along with the form E.
I would not worry about getting all your ducks in a row ... you may not need to, but whilst you are uncertain, you are not likely to be in the happiest mindset and enjoying life as you are in a constant state of worry.