The children dont seem that bothered.

[eggsandsourdough]

DH and i have been together 25 years, married for 14.

Kids are 13,11 and 6.

I seperated from him in june, no drama, no cheating, I just dont love him anymore, Ive been with him since i was 15, we have grown apart, there is no emotional connection, he was hard work, shouty, and i just didnt like him anymore. He was devastated.

We have agreed 50/50 split with the kid,he is an excellent dad, he has bought a flat, im keeping the house and buying him out.

We sorted everything before telling the kids so we could answer any questions they would have and also just so the plan felt secure.

We told the kids 2 weeks ago. Each of them cried for about an hour, we were of course there for them, and then....they are fine, great even.

The 2 older keep making jokes ( we are from a very jokey family) and one said shes actually quite excited.

Last night we were out for dinner with my family and i heard my middle daughter say " i really hope mum finds someone and re marrys"

They have asked all the right questions and questions you would imagine but on the whole they seem to have taken it unusually well.

Should i be preparing myself for them to crash?

Not really! The only things that will hit are when they are at one parents for birthdays and the hassle that is Xmas.

My daughter was 12 and cried and it did affect her a bit but is fine now. Son was 15 and loads of his mates had divorced parents so he really didnt care.

They will be excited about 2 houses, maybe getting parents to out do each other on presents and gifts!

Birthdays we will do together, christmas day always at mine, I have a large family which he has been a part of for 25 years so he is happy to do christmas dinner at mine. Hoping to have a really great co parenting relationship and its both our priority.

If you can keep it amicable for the children and not argue, refrain from engaging in oneupmanship to get one over the other and crucially be in the same room for crucial moments eg we had my DD’s wedding, all went fine and all of us were having good dance all should be fine. One of my DD’s said “about time” she thought we should have split many years earlier.

My DD’s were really pleased I met someone else and I think it made it easier for them to leave home as I had already left (my choice, we kept the fmh through university and he lived there) one of my DD’s did move in with me for two years then got married!

hi OP. my DC were 15 and 17 when we got divorced 2 years ago. it's been pretty straight forwards and largely amicable, and the DC have been fine (sailing through GCSEs and A-Levels). it has become more difficult recently as ExH is about to get remarried to a woman he met 6 mths ago. we had done birthdays and christmas together, but he's already said he'll have christmas with his new partner and the DC will need to start alternating. i think i was probably naive to think it would stay straightforwards; its not like everyone is fighting now or anything, but his focus has clearly shifted away from the co-parenting space now, and i am definitely picking up more of the parenting day to day stuff now. wishing you all the best for the future - it was the best decision i ever made!

I remember waiting for the other shoe to drop!

Mine came out it unscathed, happier, confident, more self aware and education-wise doing fantastic.

I put it down to both me and their dad having open communication individually with them, conversations together as parents on anything to do with them, no bitching or one upmanship with ex- kids were centre to any decisions we made and we kept the intricacies of the divorce away from them

go with it and keep talking to them.

It might hit them at some point or they might genuinely prefer things this way. I spent my early teens wishing my parents would divorce because having two happy parents in different houses would be preferable to the way things were. They could probably sense you weren't happy and now feel like they may start to get happy mum back meanwhile still having dad very much part of their lives.

Keep an eye on the six yo.

With everyone taking it in their stride, dc6 might be very confused. Is the child a boy or a girl? Dad being booted out of the family home is a huge thing for a young child.

If there was a lot of tension and shouting and arguing between you and dh the kids may be relieved it is over . But the little one might find that relief very confusing as of course will also love daddy regardless .

Also if your dh was devastated by the separation he may not be finding it easy to handle his youngest dc’s feelings .

Create quiet space without the other kids for the foreseeable future so the little one can start to recognise their feelings and deal with them.

Mine are fine too. Maybe DD cried but not in my presence. DD was 11 and ds was 2. DS doesn’t remember much. We’re amicable. Not ideal but it’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. They have 2 xmases. I included ex on dds 13th birthday but I will not be doing that again.

I would be inclined to think this is the thing that will crash. It will be fine until you individually or both meet someone new. Then it will be put to the test. His solicitor may well advise him to not agree to this in any child arrangement order. He should have shared priority with you for those dates in the order. Then if he decides to spend it with your family all the better.

I am not trying to piss on your cornflakes but it is often better to establish good boundaries when you separate that recognise you will live separate lives. Then both of you can decide if and how those lives intersect.

This is okay currently, but will this arrangement work if you both meet new partners

Yes aware that in the future it could all change. Im certainly not looking to meet someone, would be really happy if Ex DH did if im honest.

My family all love Ex dh, he is always welcome at christmas etc but the decision is purely his and right now he wants that to happen.

That was my concern - you may not be looking to meet someone now, but then who knows what will change. Someone may come into your life in 3 months time and be 'the one'. Or the person he settles with is not someone you get on with / like. SO just be aware that the dynamic will change if that happens.

But is it fair on the children to have you all playing happy families only for one of you to meet someone new and it all to change overnight?

If they know the score then I would say sure. If they know mum & dad are now just friends and someone new comes along thats life - its a good lifeskill to understand and learn.

No. My sons were similar ages. I have been separated now for nearly 7 years and we both have lovely new partners.

I laughed the year my sons said 'mum, we're going to have 2 Christmases!'

And last week my youngest son told me that if he and his girlfriend marry and have children, their children will have 4 sets of grandparents.

Kids adjust and most are very quickly able to spot the silver linings.

You may not get on together as a couple, OP, but you have both clearly done a great job with your kids. My exH and I get on so much better now and all 4 of us (ex and his girlfriend and my boyfriend and I) have been to the pub together with our kids on a couple of special occasions.

No. Mine has been positive. 2 holidays, somewhere else to stay if sibling/parent annoying, we co parent brilliantly, are friends so would still do their birthdays etc together. My girls know you don’t tolerate a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t have known.
I have stayed single, and putting them first is one of the reasons for that (the other being that men aren’t really good enough compared to women generally) - I think that might have caused problems possibly.

You need to keep in mind that, whilst you’re not looking ti meet someone, he may meet someone whose family also love him.

He would be very foolish to agree that Christmas is always at yours on paper. It should be alternative years deciding what happens, and if he chooses to spend it with you and your family great, but equally if he wants to build a different Christmas at some point he should be able to do so without any fighting.

Just as if you meet someone and decide to change Christmas you should also be allowed.

Mine were much happier. There was an undercurrent of tension in the house that they were aware of.

I remember when my dds first told their friends and the overwhelming response was ‘lucky you, wish mine would.’

I was thinking more about the 6yo, not the older ones.

Oh my god when people talk about how traumatic their parents breaking up was I just can’t relate at all!!!

I came home from school as a dopey teenager on the Thursday evening and my mum said “dads gone to live with Nana” and I was like ah right okay. She then went “he left on Monday” I hadn’t even noticed 🤣

Divorce is honestly so common i don't think kids are that bothered as most of their friends will be the same. I think kids get damaged from divorce when its a messy divorce and their put in the middle

Divorce doesn’t mess up the kids, how the parents behave after does. Every time he winds me up, I remember that, and hold my tongue (well I try my very best to 🙃)

Well done you, you have handled this brilliantly and should be proud of yourself x