The children dont seem that bothered.

[eggsandsourdough]

DH and i have been together 25 years, married for 14.

Kids are 13,11 and 6.

I seperated from him in june, no drama, no cheating, I just dont love him anymore, Ive been with him since i was 15, we have grown apart, there is no emotional connection, he was hard work, shouty, and i just didnt like him anymore. He was devastated.

We have agreed 50/50 split with the kid,he is an excellent dad, he has bought a flat, im keeping the house and buying him out.

We sorted everything before telling the kids so we could answer any questions they would have and also just so the plan felt secure.

We told the kids 2 weeks ago. Each of them cried for about an hour, we were of course there for them, and then....they are fine, great even.

The 2 older keep making jokes ( we are from a very jokey family) and one said shes actually quite excited.

Last night we were out for dinner with my family and i heard my middle daughter say " i really hope mum finds someone and re marrys"

They have asked all the right questions and questions you would imagine but on the whole they seem to have taken it unusually well.

Should i be preparing myself for them to crash?

We often want to be strong for our parents and sometimes act out in different ways. My friend self-harmed, but told her mum she was fine, and even joked. I tried talking to her mum who didn't listen, so please do listen. Maybe I should have done more, but I was only a kid too.

Speaking from experience, expect this to change down the line!! All the best.

People always under estimate how much kids see in an unhappy home. I see so many threads where women say they will stay for the kids, in reality it’s as they are scared of change, tobe alone, the financials

most kids would prefer two happy homes than one unhappy one.

People need to communicate and try harder, but they won't. Divorce has become easy. Women initiate 80% of them because they usually have nothing to lose and a lot to gain. That needs to change so that the family unit can become stronger.

@zorno according to the officials stats, it’s more like 61% initiated by women. You appear post something on “this is why divorce happens” based on your experiences as opposed to any evidence based research. I disagree with most of your post but regardless, it seems to be irrelevant to the OP 🤷🏼‍♀️

I just looked at the stats and its around 70% unless they are college educated, then it rises to 90%. You do the same as you accuse apparently.

@zorno are you posting from the 1950s?

OP - you’re doing a great job. Keep on.

Posts like this who don't agree with divorce always make me wonder if according to them I'm allowed to break up with my partner...one child together, relationship of 15+ years, house together, but not married. As I haven't taken vows am I free to split up and be happy? Just married people need to stay miserable together?

Absolute nonsense. Given that you’ve accepted the children are fine, what is the value in staying in a miserable relationship? You are incorrect that ‘they never find anything close to what they had before‘ - I can speak for myself when I say that I am far far happier without my ex in my house. Research shows time and time again that the happiest demographic is single women. It’s certainly true for me.

Totally agree. Research also shows children are happier in functional homes regardless of the form. Better to be in two happy homes led by a single parent than one with two people who don’t get on.

The idea that divorce is easy is a joke. It is expensive and harrowing even if you get on.

What does fighting for a relationship even mean? Who are you fighting? No one has any stake in a relationship other than the couple. You can fight someone to make them stay with you - this is when restraining orders are needed.

Wedding vows are a set of romantic words that have no standing. The nuptial agreement is about money. It’s just the statutory version of a prenup and as romantic.

You mentioned he was shouty. They may be relieved that the relationship is ending.

Thats not what I was saying. Out of those 15+ years, how long have you been miserable? My point was that a lot of marriages end due to communication and not trying to work through things. Divorce is the easy way out now. There's a reason why divorce rates increased after the introduction of the no-fault laws in the 60's and the stats sway the way they do.

I wish I were. Obviously the morals and commitment of people was different then.

It wasn’t anything to do with morals. It was because women then had absolutely no choice other than to stay in miserable relationships. Now, thank goodness, women have choice. And they are, overwhelmingly and increasingly, choosing being single.

I'm glad you are happy now. Statistics are all over the place and everybody can find some that support their stance, but thats here nor there. My statement in short was just saying that I don't believe couples fight hard enough to fix things anymore and maybe i'm wrong about that, but even the OP said her husband was devestated. That means he was blindsided by it all and probably didn't even know or realize there was an issue. In my experience, my ex wouldnt or couldnt tell me what was wrong. She expected me to read her mind. I'm left still not knowing what the issue was. After 30 years she just started cheating and said she wasnt happy. Now she's stuck in an abusive relationship (literally) with a child who alienated her and with grandchildren who doesn't even know her and a very strained relationship with her own daughter. Her own sister and family cut her off. She regrets her decision now, but theres no coming back from it so she stays in a relationship with a guy who beats her rather than being single because she said shes to old to start over at this point.

@zorno it seems like you are generalising your anecdotal situation though. Your wife chose not to talk to you, chose to cheat and leave your heartbroken, confused and traumatised by the whole thing. Your experience isn’t a copy and paste on to every marriage ending. I’m sorry you went through what you did, but it isn’t as simple as: people don’t fight hard enough or people don’t communicate their needs etc it’s totally nuanced. Some people talk, some people will listen and some don’t. Some go through marriage counselling, some have their head turned and find love elsewhere. Others will choose to stay for the kids but be unhappy.

There is no one size fits all when it comes to working things out.

You are 100% correct. I guess I live in my own mind that all divorces lead to bitterness and bad things when I know thats not true deep down. My girlfriend was right when she called me naive. I live in a 'Little House On The Prairie' world where the actual world is a much crueler place.

Sorry if I offended anybody

I’ve been where you are @zorno the confusion over another persons decision is sole destroying and trauma. I come back to my reality which is that I am happier now than I’ve ever been, even without those answers. I don’t need to know the “why”. I am content that it was meant to turn out the way it did. It sounds like your girlfriend is being kind and telling you to be more reflective and consider the good in people. It’s good advice. I’ve been there- the anger and resentment is consuming and can make you negative and see everything from a clouded point of view. It took me to meet someone to see that there is light and positivity on the other side 🤍

Mine are both teenagers and were glad when we split because our home had been "an unhappy home", their words. It was a relief for them

Our split is slightly didnt aswell in that i have 100% custody and dad just visits so their lives are relatively unchanged. They dont live between two houses, everything has been kept stable for them. Its working out well so far

I was 15 when i met him.

Believe me i tried and I have more to lose not him. I am the main earner, I provide the family and friends ( he has none). The home, the kids, the lifestyle, the begging him to do therapy, the begging him to emotionally connect with me, the begging him to listen to me and his children, the begging him to calm down, the begging him to see the bigger picture for years and years and years.

Believe me i tried, Id be careful of your attitude, its exactly the type of thought that will lose you the "love of your life"

When my parents split up, I took it badly. My brother asked " Will we get two Christmas presents?" and wanted to go play. He never acted out or anything later, nothing at all to suggest he struggles with it in the slightest!

I feel like zorno has derailed the thread. Im glad your kids are settled with whats happening.