Independent school fees- can this be negotiated?

[betterthisway]

We’ve just started the divorce process and have completed Form E. Between us, we could afford the independent school fees. However, my STBXH doesn’t want to contribute.

My DC worked incredibly hard, earned a place with a scholarship, and I’m very proud of him. I genuinely believe he deserves this opportunity.

My STBXH seems focused on keeping the financial settlement as minimal as possible so he can move on with his new partner.

Is this something I could realistically push as part of a financial settlement? Or if he refuses to agree to independent school, is there very little chance it would be considered in maintenance?

Thank you so much for everyone’s input — I really appreciate it. I think it’s probably best to stop here now. There are a lot of underlying issues that I haven’t mentioned, and I don’t want to drag everything further down a rabbit hole.

I will negotiate as firmly as I can to try to secure what is fair. And if, for whatever reason, I end up having to pay the full fees myself, then so be it — I can accept that. What I’m saying is that contributions should be fair. It doesn’t sit right with me that someone could think, “My child can attend an independent school without me contributing financially, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it — yet I can still be fully involved in his school life because of parental rights.” That just doesn’t feel reasonable.

I also know many families who choose to send only one or two children to independent school, even when they have several children. They are perfectly fine with that. Every child has different strengths, needs, and circumstances — and sometimes that means making different sacrifices for each of them.

As hard as it is and as much as you want to scream about how unfair it is, you have to change your expectations. You can not afford for both kids to go to private school, and it isn’t fair if only one does!

And when you say to your son about the change in plan, no matter how tempting, you must not blame your ex. If possible explain it when you are together, so he sees his parents acting with each other and explain that the costs have come in as more than expected and that you can’t afford it. No blame, keeping it very simple.

He will be upset, but you can manage that. Look up clubs he will like at the new school and really sell it to him.

(people on here and sympathetic to your frustration but are able to be impartial as they are not emotionally involved)

The key thing though is one parent can’t unilaterally sign their child up for something costly and just expect the other to pay, not just school fees, could be piano lessons, driving lessons, anything,

you can’t just say oh I’ve booked 10 lessons you owe me £500. Ultimately you both have to agree or one of you wants it enough to pay for it. Ie your ex could say I’ve just bought him £a 5k piano as I thought it would be good for him to learn. You’d most likely say but I never agreed that so I’m not paying.,

youll have to get used to this and realise you’re not always going to agree and that you don’t always get the final say

Best of luck

You’re looking at the school involvement as a benefit to your ex that he shouldn’t get because he isn’t paying.

It’s a benefit to your son that his parents are both involved.

Imagine 10 years down the line and your Ds asks you why his father wasn’t allowed to have anything to do with his schooling, you reply ‘because he wouldn’t contribute so I stopped him’. That’s going to go down well isn’t it.

My older DSis went to private school, my parents couldn’t afford to send me. Trust me, it’s impacted my life in many ways, not lease the relationship I had with my mother once I was an adult. Don’t underestimate the damage this could cause to your younger DS. It’s not a risk I would be willing to take.

I think it’s all depends on the family. My brother went to private based on his merit. We all supported him. I even supported his fee as I’m much older. I didn’t get that benefit but I was very happy to support him. We have a very good relationship and of course he appreciate it forever and more.

Siblings with a very large age gap is a very different one to siblings much closer in age - which presumably if you’ve got one not started yet and one younger they’ve not got a huge age gap.

I went to a private school from 13 on full
scholarship (even my uniform was covered) and it caused a world of damage with my older siblings because they felt I had an opportunity they didn’t.

I don’t have any practical advice but I just want to say that I completely understand why this has upset you. Your ex is an absolute arsehole not to be proud of his child (academic scholarships are incredibly tough to get) and want to do the very best by him and for his education - especially when he can afford it. What a shit bag.

You can’t assume op ex is a shitbag just because he doesn’t want to commit to fees likely to be in the range of 15-20k a year ( on top of cms in the range of 18k a year) for next 7 years! Op hasn’t commented what her financial contribution towards this would be in addition to her ex either or what she earns.

OP has stated that their calculations were made based on DS getting a larger scholarship, so no reason to think that this isn't the main reason for saying it's not now affordable, rather than ex being "a shitbag".

No let me rephrase. The calculation was done without it. But was hoping for scholarship of course as there is no guarantee. The difference then and now is that now he has a GF.

Yes I agree
its also possible that it was ok while together but now separated it’s more of financial drain
it could be he’s thinking, shit I’m
getting older and don’t want this large financial commitment over me, what if I lose my job etc
could just be he’s not a brought into the benefits of it as op is.
could be one of many things.

either way, it doesn’t make him a shit bag

now, of course, he could be for many other reasons but we don’t know from this thread

Yes and that’s precisely why you want to force him to pay and to punish him for not doing so

You won’t win this one. There’s a perfectly acceptable alternative school that has no fees. You can’t force his father to pay the fees. I wouldn’t even bother with the fight. You’ll just waste money on legal fees.

No, the difference is you’ve split up and instead of your joint income supporting one household, it will have to support two. Tough choices will need to be made but it’s not up to you to decide how his salary is spent going forwards. It’s good that this has happened before your child had already started the school.

I don’t see why people don’t get where you are coming from.

He wants to spend that money doing stuff with his new girlfriend instead of contributing.

I am glad other people haven’t had this experience, but it’s hardly uncommon.

I don’t think it’s worth fighting him over it though.

Thank you for this — I really appreciate it.

I think part of it comes from the fact that I want to send my child to a fee-paying private school. It feels like private education is a real trigger topic here. As a foreigner, I find it quite striking how established and influential private schools are in the UK, and at the same time how divided opinions can be between the private and state school worlds. There seems to be a strong stigma attached to it.

I don’t even feel comfortable bringing it up with other mums because the reactions can be quite extreme.

All I really want is to do what’s best for my child and provide the best opportunities I can.

It’s not about state vs private. Personally I support parents who can afford it to send them. But you seemingly can’t afford to without your ex paying - and he doesn’t agree. It’s about accepting that you don’t agree about schools and what money is spent on and can’t unilaterally decide and expect him to pay. He has a right to disagree that (, girlfriend or no girlfriend) and as your child hasn’t started school yet and your ex is not that high an earner ( especially if he’ll need a mortgage etc) that a court is unlikely to side with you

For the sake of your child you need to not put him in the middle of a dispute between you and your ex. This course of action would be catastrophic for his mental health.

The choice of school should be a joint one. If your ex has said he can’t afford private schools fees, even discounted ones, then you need to hear that and accept it. Instead you are coming across like a dog with a bone. And your suggestions should like coercion to get your ex to pay.

if you have another child you need to think about them as well. Will you be funding a private school at their expense?

It’s not that hard to process. The reality of post divorce finances have set in and the cost of the private education has set in. The financial situation has changed. Sending a child to a private school is a huge commitment. Nobody should do it if there is any doubt it is affordable. Because taking the child out of the school is a huge upheaval. Sending only one when you believe there are huge benefits to private schools is terrible parenting. You are basically relegating one child to what you think is second rate education.

I am struggling to see how someone can be genuinely not getting this. It doesn’t sound genuine. I await the next straw man argument.

If you want to send your child to private school and can afford it (with associated fee increases over the years) on one salary, then crack on. You can’t unilaterally decide to make your ex pay for your private school choice though.

Apologies if this has been said before but you have to separate a number of issues here and I hope you don't mine me being blunt.

We all want the best for our children whether it be state or private, however your mixing up what you want in an ideal world based on a marriage that was a partnership. By all means speak to the school but you are not going to be able to force your ex to pay the fees if he doesn't want to and doesn't need to and that in lies the issue here.

Your child hasn't started so there is no reason why he should pay the fees, whether its unfair or he promised or he agreed or didn't your family situation has changed and sadly children are in a divorce collateral damage, they shouldn't be and so many off us do our damn hardest for them to not be affected by any marriage, relationship breakdown that inevitably leads to a change in financial circumstances but they are.

In terms of making him pay: you won't have a leg to stand on as your child hasn't started school

Secondly the argument for taking it to court, going to court is extremely expensive, even engaging solicitors is expensive for the divorce when there is complex financial cases. You can try but go in with your eyes open.

And presumably your ex has parental responsibility therefore he has very right to be involved in communication from school whether you like it or not, even friends who have gone down the route of seeking advise and help because of domestic abuse cannot stop the other parent from communication via school unless there is a court order/ or officialdom that has stated they cannot have access to, or information.

I am so sorry that you are going through this but in the nicest possible way you are going to have to either accept the school place and take the financial hit yourself with no help fmo your ex and know it is on you and if you are that adamant about the independent sector then I would focus on finding ways of calculating the fees and what you can pay with the support on your own but do not think for one minute that fairness, or the child wishes in terms of schooling when they haven't started will be a factor. I know it is not what you want to hear.