Independent school fees- can this be negotiated?

[betterthisway]

We’ve just started the divorce process and have completed Form E. Between us, we could afford the independent school fees. However, my STBXH doesn’t want to contribute.

My DC worked incredibly hard, earned a place with a scholarship, and I’m very proud of him. I genuinely believe he deserves this opportunity.

My STBXH seems focused on keeping the financial settlement as minimal as possible so he can move on with his new partner.

Is this something I could realistically push as part of a financial settlement? Or if he refuses to agree to independent school, is there very little chance it would be considered in maintenance?

I think you need to say how much your ex earns and what the fees are to know if it is reasonable that he pays or contributes. Impossible to say without this information as it he earns 75K and fees are 10K a term then that isn’t reasonable, if he earns 200K and fees are 5K then that is reasonable.

What are the actual figures involved?

My friend’s ex put an extra 2 dc from primary into private school so all 4 were at private then he paid and used that as the reason he didn’t pay “maintenance”. It was all about appearance and looking like a good dad and friend couldn’t say he didn’t pay but he was only doing it to control the money and where it was spent. So you can get it court ordered but depends if you need maintenance for living costs.

On the basis of this, I think you have no chance at all. He hasn't started at the school, and he has a place offered at a decent state school. You don't get to unilaterally decide which school your joint child goes to and then force your ExH to pay for it against his wishes. Surely you can see that's not reasonable? Even if you were still married, you couldn't unilaterally choose the school without his agreement and force him to pay.

Agree with pp, are you doing anything to maximise your income to independently pay fees as it’s your choice? How will you manage extra curricular activities, trips etc?

I think you misunderstood. I am asking my STBXH to pay for his own son’s school fee.

Yes, but only you want him to go to the school, and you can’t pay the fees.
if he said “I want him to go board at Eton”, would you pay?

I hope we could work together to send dc to the good school he wants to go but if that doesn’t happen tho will be the future for us.

Thing is, what’s agreed as a Couple while together often changes once apart, of course it changes financial dynamics a lot and what was affordable often becomes not affordable.

however, as other posters have said, without understanding your incomes and assets noone here can give any advice as to whether you stand a chance. How much are you going to contribute to the fees?

Given ds has not started, definitely put him into the state option. I think the chances of you getting your exh to fund a school he doesn't want your ds to go to that ds has not even started are slim to none.

I think the pp understood, the point is that this is your preferred option and your ex does not agree. If your child has not yet started the school, there's no status quo to try and maintain. On a your joint salary, the fees may have been manageable but now your circumstances are different and it may not be, especially if he would need to pick up all the tab on his own. You haven't shared his salary ballpark but the fact you are unsure if he's a higher earner suggests he isn't on mega bucks. Given the fact you will both need to house yourselves plus child maintenance from him may make fees impossible.

a colleague got school fees as part of the settlement - slightly differently as their dc was already in the prep part of the school (it’s one that’s 3-18 but over two sites and there’s a lot of movement at year 7, so he could reasonably argue their dc could go to a state school from year 7)

While he has to pay the fees, sh was strongly advised that all paperwork with the school was signed by him, so the bill goes to him. Downside of that is she doesnt routinely get info from the school - her dc has had to get good at telling mum “it’s own clothes day on Wednesday/I need a copy of xxx play by next week/I’ve got cross country on Saturday” etc.

Also her ex expected to have influence over gcse choices, a level choices, uni applications etc as he was the one paying.

My advice is to go back to the state school option unless it’s terrible.

If I can afford it I will do. Even if it requires good degree of financial sacrifice for me and makes me work for longer I will do. I know he can afford and it will be from both of us. However, I am not sure about boarding though. Day school is good enough.

Your view probably would have changed once your child was in the private school - most people wouldn’t want to disrupt their child’s education. I don’t think you can have your cake and eat it though - if you were not genuinely willing to have your child move back to state ?possibly mid term or in an important exam year then I don’t think it would have been reasonable to expect your husband to pay all the fees.

Your STBXH does not wish your and his son to start at independent school, and would prefer he went to the state option. His opinion on school choice is just as valid as yours. No judge is going force him to pay school fees in that circumstance.

It would be different if your joint son was already settled in private, in which case a judge might consider school fees as part of the settlement until the next natural break point (e.g for a child in Yr10 until the end of Yr11) in order to preserve continuity of education. But that is not the circumstance here.

Ultimately, life changes for everyone in divorce. What was an option before, won’t remain an option simply as it was what you wanted when you were together.

The other issue my colleague seemed to find recently with this sort of settlement was it limited to that school, so there was another local private school with similar fees that initially their dc had asked about moving to for KS5/A levels, but it was made clear by dad that the settlement only required him to pay for X school. If their child choose to leave the school, he wouldn’t be required to pay for a different school so wouldn’t. It was therefore this school or the state school options for 6th form. It’s worked out ok for their dc who’s predicted good grades, but that was the first time their dc had realised their dad was a dick about it, they had been shielded by mum from it all. Realising dad had only been paying because he had to was a bit of a shock.

OP you are ignoring people who are asking how much roughly your DH earns so it is impossible for anyone to give advice.

As your child hasn't even started the school yet I don't think you'll get anywhere with this. It would be a different story if he was doing GCSEs or A-levels and then you'd likely be able to come some kind of agreement, through court if necessary, that the fees would be paid until the end of year 11 or end of year 13.

STBXH is nearing retirement. You've split up so family circumstances have changed. What might have been affordable when you were choosing schools now isn't affordable so he should go to the state school. It's disappointing for your son but there's no way round it.

he makes 165k. I think now I have idea. Thanks

I do know of one family who negotiated school fees as part of the deal. I think the bigger issue is that he’s not started there yet. If he was already attending then you’d have a better chance.
I will say though that the school fees were continuously used as a threat by the ex to blackmail the child and its mother into compliance. Just a warning.

If he hasn't started yet then I wouldn't. You have at least 5 years of potential hassle and worrying the ex might lose his job or take you back to court over it and that's if you just do gcse years.

If I were you I would calculate the rough total of 5 years (only 5) including yearly increase so you get a fixed lump sum. I would then ask ex to pay 50% or 80% or 20% or whatever you think he would reasonably accept. Having that sum as a finite amount may help him.

You must know more or less how much you will be getting in the divorce or at least a low worst case scenario amount you can plan the future with.

I would look over these numbers with a cold eye, judging what would happen if you lost your job, or he lost his job, or he moved abroad or demanded 50/50 so minimised child maintenance. (If your incomes are very different then some may still be due to you even on 50/50.

I would consider if I could manage the 5 years completely on my own. Ultimately this is what you need to look at. Anything else from him would be a bonus.

Personally it sounds very risky...

They rarely want to work together for the benefit of the child.

I’ve seen it with my ex and with friends and colleagues who have got divorced.

It all becomes about the man wanting to keep as much money as possible, sadly. They don’t want to “give” the ex wife anything, even when it’s to the detriment of the child. Especially when they have a new partner (my ex pays for all his step children to go to very expensive private schools, for example).

My ex was a very high earner, from a family of multimillionaires. It was extraordinary the lengths he went to keep his contribution to ds minimal. I just walked away with nothing though, he would have made my life hell if I’d fought him and he would have held anything that he gave me over me.

But you know what, when they do that, children see it all and take it all in, even, if like me, you keep smiling and never say a word. In the end, it really is their loss.

I guess it’s all done deal on the paper then how could that be used as blackmail? In what context if you can tell?

Honestly having to rely on your ex paying termly fees for 5 -7 years when they are not on board with private education will be incredibly stressful.

Unless you can get the lump sum as part of a settlement I would be very wary of this.

They can hold what they give you over your head to keep you compliant. Rock the boat? They will stop payments, take you back to court, I had one friend who’s ex took her to court for full residency as she dared to have a new relationship (the children didn’t even know the man existed and she had no plans for them to meet).

some men are awful husbands and even worse ex husbands, as they have lost the control of marriage.