Independent school fees- can this be negotiated?

[betterthisway]

We’ve just started the divorce process and have completed Form E. Between us, we could afford the independent school fees. However, my STBXH doesn’t want to contribute.

My DC worked incredibly hard, earned a place with a scholarship, and I’m very proud of him. I genuinely believe he deserves this opportunity.

My STBXH seems focused on keeping the financial settlement as minimal as possible so he can move on with his new partner.

Is this something I could realistically push as part of a financial settlement? Or if he refuses to agree to independent school, is there very little chance it would be considered in maintenance?

Have to do what the dad wants (anything from holidays, presents, to choosing GCSEs) with the threat to withdrawn schools fees if his wishes aren’t obeyed. It also risks the child being used as a pawn between the parents.

Honestly, the hassle from this for the next 5-7 years (if secondary more if prep!) will be horrific. Even if the court impose this, what happens if he loses his job? You would have to go back to court if he just stopped paying in 3 years time.

You aren’t saying the state school isn’t suitable for his needs, so that will be the much better long term option.

You can not force someone to be a decent dad!

Because he would threaten to stop paying. Even if there is a consent order the stress of chasing and dealing with a person who does not support the decision to pay for their education will be hard. Fees go up all the time. There are always more things to pay for. Is the scholarship guaranteed?? Dealing with the ex around school fees caused endless anxiety for my acquaintance and her child.

Oh he isn’t even at the school yet? I missed this.
Then sorry, I don’t think you have a strong negotiating position. It would be much less unsettling for your DC to start at a school he was going to continue in.

Also if his circumstances change (or he changes them!) such as loses his job, has to take one with much lower salary, decides to retire early, becomes ill, he can go back to court and have it reassessed.

All a moot point really as his salary is nowhere near mandated private school levels.

Ok, he’s close to retirement, he’s not a super high earner, the two of you only agreed to look at private options and not definitely to choose a private school, and your son has a place at a decent state school

In those circumstances I would be astonished if a court ordered him to pay school fees, it is vanishingly unlikely to happen.

Imagine you were not divorcing.
The private school wouldn't be a done deal at this moment, it is just one of the options - and you would be considering now whether to go for it or not. His upcoming retirement would still be a thing.

At this stage, unless both parents agree (or one agree and commits to pay solo), no private school.

It would be different if the child was at the school and there were two years left.

Go with the other offer.

Is a ‘decent dad’ just someone who does what’s demanded regardless of their own views?

Good enough in your view, but if his dad says no.. we need to do this as you’re doing? Would you pay?

I doubt it. If your DH doesn't want to pay extra for school fees I dont think he can be forced to unless he's mega rich. Depends if he is prepared to pay more than the statutory maintenance.

You STILL haven’t said what Monthly costs you are expecting given they have a scholarship??

with an income of £165k your CMS maintenance can be assumed to be pretty hefty so on that basis I’d think it would be affordable for you to cover what little cost there might be yourself if he refuses?

We don’t know about CMs- it might be 50:50 custody

Op I was just talking to my own divorce lawyer yesterday and they said they haven’t seen a successful spousal maintenance or similar court maintenance claim like this from anyone not earning well over 250k in about 5 years. Judges prefer a clean break now

But my worry would be how much it will cost you to get in front of a judge to rule on this (£49,50,80k?) plus the potential to need to go back to court to get him to actually pay if he decides not to bother (and the you’ll be on the hook with the school for full fees)

tbh I earn close to his salary and no way could I afford that private school fees after the equity split has housed us both

Your child has already got into a selective state school and you were happy with that option until you thought the private school would be better. It might be.
BUT your STBX is not a massively high earner and as others have said he can decide at any point to stop paying the fees (or you can be in and out of court with it for the next 7 years). The pain and stress of this is not worth it.
You should focus on a clean break - and achieving a fair split of assets with your ex continuing to pay reasonable child maintenance.
the most important thing in all of this is that regardless of what you think/feel your child is not encouraged to think that his dad doesn’t care about him enough to pay. That would be damaging.

How much does he earn?

Sorry I have just seen this after asking how much he earns. This is over the CMS maximum (£156k). Subject to the other assets available, you may be successful. Do you have a solicitor?

Generally, maintenance payments for children do not include school fees.

The courts do have the power to force a parent to pay for school fees if the children are already at private school and the courts consider it to be in the best interests of the child to stay at that school and it is financially doable for the parent in question. If they are not at private school, then "intention" is considered. So, the courts consider whether it had always been the intention that the child would go to private school and be supported to do so by the parent in question. Bear in mind that a court battle is expensive in itself!

Has your son even started at the school yet?

How much are the fees with the discount? How much is your salary? How close is EH to retirement?

How much are the fees with the discount? You’ll be paying 50%, you can then use any maintenance if not 50/50, so the remainer for your ex actually might not be too bad.

He’s near retirement, isn’t what is considered a high earner and the school place isn’t active, it isn’t too different to asking him to pay uni tuition right now.

How much more is boarding? Someone I know was in this situation, so his son boarded and he took a weekend job and got a lodger, that was enough to cover the fees on top of his usual wages due to his increased earnings and scholarships being more generous for childen who boarded.

My DC got a 25% scholarship, which I understand should stay in place unless there’s a significant drop in their performance.

STBXH is likely to retire in the next 10–15 years. He could retire in 10 or work a bit longer, but from what he’s said, he’ll probably retire as soon as he can. I’ve been arguing that if we both worked a bit longer to support DC’s education, it would absolutely be worth it — but he doesn’t seem to see it that way.

Your stbxh is happy with the state option. His thoughts on this count as much as yours. You think it is in your son’s best interest to go private he doesn’t.

The court won’t get involved in this, and they certainly won’t force him to pay.

It would be very different if he was already at the school, as continuing education and stability is important.

You have to drop the idea that your stbxh will have a change of heart, so you have 3 options

1. he goes to the semi selective state school he has a place at
2. you fund the private school yourself - remember to add on all the extras like uniform that this will bring
3. you go back to the school and try to negotiate a bursary on top of the scholarship (might work if your stbxh has put in writing he will not contribute to the fees)

Thanks so much for your realistic advice — I think I’ll try option 3, and definitely option 2 as well. It won’t be easy for me, but I do think it’s doable.

One thing I’m still wondering about is whether any consideration is given to the child’s wishes. My DC really wants to go to that school, and I genuinely think it would suit him very well.

Also, if I end up covering the full cost of the independent school myself, would I be able to exclude his father from school communication and activities? Or can he still legally request to be involved in DC’s school life even if he isn’t contributing financially at all?

If the kid isn’t already in the school and dad doesn’t agree, at £165k it’s unlikely he’ll be ordered to pay a share of the school fees. And depending on how much discount the scholarship involves (scholarships are normally token amounts like 5% off, bursaries are bigger discounts as they are means tested), and the costs of living where you live, if you earn less than him then I’d suggest that private school as a single parent won’t be affordable. If he’s got a place in selective state that’s great and send him there.

No consideration will be given to your child’s wishes. Zero. by a court. And I think you gave very little chance if it being ordered ( on top of cms) on his earnings and the fact your child is not in the school already and your ex doesn’t agree

if you chose to send him there and pay yourself, your ex still has rights to all information about your child at school, communications etc. why on earth would you exclude him anyway just because you don’t agree with his choice. That’s terrible

what do you earn ?

No, you can’t exclude him from any communication with the school - he has as much parental responsibility as you do. Regardless of who is paying the bills. It really isn’t a case of the person who pays calls the shots (that would be open to so much abuse).

It is in your son’s best interest that you coparent as amicably as you can, which means both parents are involved in the school.

Assuming your son is 11 going into year 7, then again no, his say doesn’t carry much weight in this one, and certainly not in forcing a huge financial commitment.

Is you stbxh against the school purely on cost or does he think the other option is better? He has as much much say in this as you do, and even if your son resides with you doesn’t mean your wishes count more.