Independent school fees- can this be negotiated?

[betterthisway]

We’ve just started the divorce process and have completed Form E. Between us, we could afford the independent school fees. However, my STBXH doesn’t want to contribute.

My DC worked incredibly hard, earned a place with a scholarship, and I’m very proud of him. I genuinely believe he deserves this opportunity.

My STBXH seems focused on keeping the financial settlement as minimal as possible so he can move on with his new partner.

Is this something I could realistically push as part of a financial settlement? Or if he refuses to agree to independent school, is there very little chance it would be considered in maintenance?

If he was a very high earner who paid the full fees himself would you think it remotely acceptable for him to cut you out of all school communication, because you aren’t contributing financially.

I will contribute as much as possible it allows me to do and all the rest whatever is necessary to support my DC to thrive in his school and I found it very difficult for me to be excluded when DC stays with me 80% of the time.

I know. I was speaking hypothetically because you were asking if you could exclude him completely if he wasn’t contributing financially.

“Also, if I end up covering the full cost of the independent school myself, would I be able to exclude his father from school communication and activities? Or can he still legally request to be involved in DC’s school life even if he isn’t contributing financially at all?”

Well that depends if you view your son as a person, or an item that you believe you own.

Then why is it fair for him to go around proudly saying his son attends a reputable independent school when he isn’t contributing financially at all?

Of course I want to co-parent amicably, but surely we should both contribute as much as we reasonably can to support our DC in the best way possible. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that?

It just feels like he can’t have it both ways.

Is this about you or what's best for your son?

We seem to have moved to an acceptance that STBEXH won't be paying but now punishing him with withdrawal of information.

Even if you were still together, it's OK for your husband to say he doesn't want to pay for private school.

The solution to stop your ex from boasting about the school he doesn't pay for is to send your DC to the state option.

You are starting to not come across well op.

Surely the best interest for your son is that he has two parents who are actively involved in his life, not strained financially, and communicating with each other/his school. The state school sounds like a really good option and I think you are wrong to imply that not wanting your child to attend private secondary school suggests that you don't care enough about them.

You differ in your opinions on what you think is best for your son. You are not unilaterally in charge of that, and shouldn’t be talking about punishing ex because he disagrees

You do know that there are many successful people who managed without going to a fee paying school don’t you?
What do you earn?
What is the split of living arrangements of your DS?
What are the proposed financial arrangements of the divorce? Maintenance, housing, pension sharing, share of savings?

I get it. I really do. My ex was the same.

He’s constantly “blamed” me that ds didn’t go to a private school like the rest of his family - but he refused to pay for it. I was on min wage, how was I going to do that?

I still get it now, he says ds is a failure because of me, because I didn’t send him to a good school (he’s not a failure - he’s a police officer, which is absolutely scandalous in the eyes of dh family, its beneath them). Poor ds keeps getting told how marvellous ex h step children are doing - he paid for their schooling, paid for every uni expense (ds did police degree apprenticeship which is brutal as you still do full time shifts alongside the degree work), calls ds a loser for still living at home with me while he contributes to his step children’s rents in London.

I understand where you are coming from.

They seem to want to split and want the best of both worlds without contributing to it.

I he wants to proudly say his child attends a certain school, he needs to contribute towards it.

Just make sure that if you do chose the state school, your ex doesn’t have the same attitude. My ex h used to come to parents eves and sneer at the school and the staff, it was horrendous and I would end up apologising to the teachers afterwards.

I’m not saying that state schools aren’t good, or that parents who send their children to state schools don’t care. Every child is different.

My younger one will happily go to a state school with no problem at all. But this child has struggled with his mental health and has very low self-confidence. The whole 11+ journey has actually helped him enormously — it’s really boosted his morale and confidence because he can now see that his hard work leads to results.

He truly deserves this opportunity, and as a family, we feel we can make it work.

Sending a child to a private school is not a parental "achievement".
Most people couldn't care less where anyone else sends their child to school.

I would hope your ex will be proud of his son - regardless of what school he attends.

If one of your motivations for sending your child to this school is bragging rights, then even more reason why it is a bad idea.

Nobody ‘deserves’ to go to a private school. If he has learned that hard work pays off, he can use that knowledge in any school he goes to. Having your dcs in different school systems is very divisive btw. Don’t do this to your younger child.

We’ve reached this point now, and the kind of abuse I’ve received along the way is something I could probably write about in a separate thread — but I won’t get into that here.

What’s difficult is that when we first started the exam preparation, he sat down with DC, went through the numbers, and reassured him that he would support this. Now that the divorce settlement is approaching and the scholarship award isn’t as high as he expected, he’s saying he doesn’t want to contribute anymore.

That change has been incredibly hard to process, especially after everything that’s already been said and promised.

I don’t think this needs to turn into a debate about private schools.

But I think that basically, given the info you’ve provided OP, it’s very unlikely he’ll be forced to pay. And if you pay yourself, you cannot cut him out of the school - and would be unreasonable to try.
The stuff about whether you think that it’s fair that he wants to brag about his child going to private school isn’t relevant to the decision. It might piss you off. But that’s not a reason to say he can’t receive school info.

Regardless of your individual circumstances, it's very normal for families to do the maths in advance for private school, and then subsequently realise they can't afford it any more. In your case financial circumstances have changed, and it sounds like the sums were based on your DS being awarded a larger scholarship.

It's ok to walk away (and before he actually starts at the school is the easiest point to do it) and say that you want to pursue a different option. This school will not be the make or break scenario for your DS that you seem to be suggesting.

Parents not being able to afford a private school because they had hoped a scholarship would be higher is disappointing but not overly unusual and nor is it a reason to force him to pay.
I think it actually works against you anyway, because he can argue that he hasn’t changed his mind, the financial situation of the scholarship changed from the original plan. (I actually don’t think he’d need to argue that, because I don’t think he’d be forced to pay it anyway, but I think this is another argument that would go his way).

He may be a completely awful man and a terrible father. But that is separate to whether he will be forced to pay.

As his salary isn’t that much over what CMS will deal with there’s another thing to be aware of

Someone with court ordered maintenance can go to CMS for a new order 1 year and a day after the court order is given.

So your ex could, if he doesn’t like the court order, wait 366 days, stick some more in his pension, and go to CMS for an order. Which would be the set amounts.

You could take him back to court, but obviously that takes time. And no-one could force him to increase his hours back up / reduce his pension etc (whatever he’s done to get under the CMS banding).

When I worked for CMS I dealt with a woman whose high earning ex did this ever since year when the court order expired.

No, that’s awful! You just want to punish him as you’re splitting up and he won’t do what you want him to do any more. I feel so sorry for your child here yay you’re using him as a game piece. Yes, if you stayed together and had got a higher bursary, this private school might have worked out. If you’d stayed together and only got a the 25%, maybe it wouldn’t. As it stands, you’re splitting up and he doesn’t want to commit to this, so you either pay on your own or choose state like most of the population. Running two households will be much more expensive than running one so difficult decisions will need to be made.

Either way, you don’t get to remove the dad from any school communications because you’re pissed off with him!

I’m involved in granting bursaries for our school and I can tell you right now that we assess eligibility based on the income of both parents, on the assumption they should both contribute.

If one parent wants private school but the other refuses to contribute then I’m afraid that’s tough luck.

We’re not going to hand out bursaries to families who could afford to pay but say they won’t!

The bursary pool is very very limited and we are prioritising children who are already at the school so they can finish their education.

You can certainly ask whether a larger bursary would be available, and every school is different, but do not pin your hopes on this.

If you want your son at private school then see if you can pay it, with the existing scholarship. Don’t expect any help from your ex or from the school.

And I strongly suggest don’t try to cut him off from information about the school - he has parental responsibility so has every legal right to be involved with the school, and any court would take a very very dim view of you trying to prevent this.

I get your frustration

but your original op was asking if a court would support it and force him to pay

i think based on what you say that’s very unlikely in which case you have to decide :

do you value it to try to pay yourself? You’ve not stated your own earnings
will cms cover it ( you should get around 1500 a month based on 2 children with you having 80 % overnights) but of course means it won’t then cover much if anything else
will you get enough capital
assets from the settlement to use some of that to cover

the other consideration is the fees are only part of the costs at private schools - uniforms are expensive, trips expected are expensive etc. I know parents who pay easily another 5k. A year on top of fees

if you can’t afford this and he continues to disagree with paying then you’ll most likely need to come to terms with it not happening.
as an aside, how will your other child feel
going to a state while seeing their sibling go private ? Is that something you’ve thought about ?

OP - you are divorcing him for a reason!

You have a good state option, you can’t afford the fees alone. He could back out of any agreement. You’ll struggle to get the court order to cover this as your child isn’t currently at the school.

Best bet is to push the other school option for your DS as the best for him.

Sadly what was possible when married to a high earner isn’t an option when you are not married to a high earner and are not a high earner yourself. Most children don’t go to private schools because most people can’t afford it.

It’s shit but this is where you are. Let it go. There are better fights and you can push for extra curricular activities/life experiences for your dcs.

I wonder if it might be best to argue for as much as possible in the divorce settlement and use some of that to fund school fees rather than to negotiate on the point of school fees or to risk a change to CMS amount in the future.

(I would also query whether it is the right thing to send one child private and the other to state - not part of this question .. so feel free to ignore)

Hang on, there's a younger child as well? This is just not realistic unfortunately, EH could argue that he wont fund one as neither of you could afford the second one (what about if they have poor mental health later?)

Your son knows that working hard has got him into the semi selective state school, he can now but that ethic into getting good gcses.