I don’t know how to leave my partner who I take care of

[Candygurl444]

Hello, I’m not sure if this post will find anybody, it’s very long winded so I do apologise in advance. 2 years ago me and my partner got together and it was a very shaky relationship from the start, we have since had a little boy who has just turned one and I am expecting another one in the summer. We both live together in a rented property and I have just left the NHS as a nurse and starting another job next month which is more flexible, my partner has mental health/autism meaning he cannot work (he has UC and PIP in place) I am caring for him, making sure he takes his medications and attends appointments. He gets very angry and upset over anything that goes wrong for him (I.e his car) and then it’s my fault, he is awful with our new puppy and tells me repeatably he does not want her even though he bought her and shouts at her when she has an accident indoors, I explain to him that she is young and toilet training takes a while, he just shouts at me and tells me he wants to get rid. He gets frustrated with our son and shouts at him. I cannot take him out as our car seat is in his car which is off the road, I have asked him repeatedly to help me put this car seat as it’s very hard to do on my own in my car so that we can go out, he refused and said ‘it’s too much hard work’ so now I cannot leave the house with my son without my partner. I do not go out to see any friends (the last time was back in September) unless he is with me, I went on a small day trip just before returning from maternity leave without him and said if he gets overwhelmed then to call his parents (they live 2 mins away) and he switched his phone off so that I couldn’t contact him to check on him and our son when I was on a boat all day so I couldn’t go back. When I had my son I stayed in hospital for the day as I was awaiting breastfeeding support as he wouldn’t latch, it was late evening and they advised me to stay overnight as they wouldn’t be able to see me till the morning as partners couldn’t stay, I asked if he would like to stay at his parents which is 15 mins away from the hospital and come back in the morning, he kicked off and had a meltdown so we both left with our new baby at 1am. I have supported him in getting lots of support including anger support for him, but nothing has worked. It’s taking a huge toll on me as I am walking on eggshells, I want to leave him but he has threatened suicide/self harm and said he will go missing again (he has done this before but for different reasons). I told him two days ago that I don’t think I can make it through this year being with him but he had a meltdown and didn’t let me leave, I have no where else to go as unfortunately my mum has a huge addiction to illegal substances and it wouldn’t be safe for me and my son to stay there. I want to earn as much as I can to leave as this new agency nursing job is well paid but the more I earn, the less my partner gets from UC meaning I will have to cover 100% of all household bills and his bills leaving not enough savings, and having HG makes this very difficult too during this pregnancy.

This is my first ever post and if you’ve got this far then I really appreciate you for reading, I don’t know what to do and would like some advice please if anyone can help - thank you.

You’ve mention his family but are your own parents/family aware you’re in an abusive relationship and planning to leave? Can they support you with the transition?

Why are you continuing with the current pregnancy? It’s probably the worst thing you can do to your existing child.

Rehome the puppy. Your boyfriend won’t kill himself (no matter how much he threatens), but he’ll kill her.

please don’t judge me regarding my current pregnancy, it was a complete shock as I was on concentration and I didn’t find out till I was 9 weeks! I am strongly against termination and I cannot go through it. I have no family who can support here, my mum is unfortunately a raging alcoholic and I have tried many times to help her but she won’t help herself, I can’t take my son near her at the moment. I don’t know where my dad is, he left years ago and no one knows where he is. My siblings are much younger than me and still in college and school, I have an aunt who lives up North (I live in the south) and I’ll be leaving all my lovely friends behind if I travel hundreds of miles away from my work and friends:(

Is there social worker involvement?
you need to ask him to move out and put support in place it doesn’t need to be family but child care to support your career.

You’ll get some financial help toward this

I don’t think so, he hasn’t had one since he was a teenager I very much doubt he would have one now. Luckily my son can attend nursery whilst I work, we are both on a joint rented tenancy (2 years) I’m not sure if it would be possible to get him to leave! X

Not automatically, no - but show me a controlling,aggressive, bullying arsehole who is happy, well adjusted, and emotionally stable with sophisticated social communication skills and the capacity to form healthy reciprocal relationships. 🤷‍♀️

The whole narrative that everyone who’s an arsehole is deliberately choosing to be this way is precisely what gets people like the OP stuck, through guilt and obligation, in caregiving relationships with genuinely vulnerable people who are nonetheless abusive and possibly unable to behave differently.

You can be a controlling arsehole and not be able to help it, and the fact that you can’t help it doesn’t mean anyone needs to put up with your abusive behaviour - even if it’s caused by overstimulation, anxiety, trauma, etc.

Bless you, What a terrible situation you are faced with. However, what you describe is coercive control.

The most dangerous period in an abusive relationship is when a woman is pregnant or trying to leave. Sometimes they will hurt/use the children to get at their partner. (Don’t tell him your plans)

His mental health needs, autism, or past instability do not excuse abuse and they do not make you responsible for keeping him alive.

Threats like “I’ll kill myself if you leave” are:
common abuse tactic & emotional blackmail but something professionals are trained to handle.

You really need to speak to a domestic abuse specialist secretly.

UK – National Domestic Abuse Helpline (24/7):
📞 0808 2000 247
They can:
• help you create a safe exit plan
• advise on housing options despite shared tenancy
• help with pregnancy-specific safety
• guide you on pets (many refuges now work with foster schemes for animals)

If calling isn’t safe, they can advise on online chat and safety settings.

You do not have to leave immediately & definitely not tell him your concerns or plans, the helpline will help you to plan safely.

You can tell your GP or midwife privately (even via a note or email)

“I am being controlled by my partner and it is not safe for me to speak freely.”

Or
“I’m experiencing controlling behaviour from my partner. He monitors my movements and appointments and I’m scared of repercussions if I leave. I’m pregnant and have a 1-year-old. I need help to stay safe. My partner threatens to kill himself if I leave. I’m frightened and don’t feel safe.”

You will get through this as long as you allow the support agencies & professionals aware of your situation. They will guide you on safe options. Your main concern is keeping you, your son & unborn baby safe & once everything is put into place, you can continue to protect them by having contact with dad within contact services. Personally I wouldn’t trust him to keep them safe & I would be insisting on contact centres.

For now… take one day at a time, reach out to the agencies to get the ball rolling & delete your browsing history in case he looks through your phone at a later date. Please keep us updated & I wish you well.

You can ask him. It might be difficult to stand your ground, but you need to insist that you need him to leave its for you, your children and the puppy to
live safely. He needs to do and get professional help.
I think you need to contact women’s aid and maybe even social work for some professional support.

Call a domestic abuse support charity NOW. He is abusive. If he isn’t receiving any treatment from mental health services, this won’t improve. You need to get out before your son is shouted at and abused too.

Re home the dog.

Why can't you put the car seat in your car by yourself?

Even if you can't drive with your son you can still leave the house and go to places.

You said you'd end up covering the bills as his UC would be lowered. I'd separate and he can claim as a single person.

You then need to look at moving elsewhere or him moving out.

Ah Axkid. Still you can do it so I'd recommend looking up how to do so for the future but at least it's done for now.

He sounds awful

1. how did he manage before he met you, he can just do that
2. if the shoe was on the other foot he’d drop you in a heartbeat

Hugs! Nurses are strong! You know you need to leave, so listen to the advice above.. he is responsible for himself, not you… take care of yourself and your baby..

Start putting money aside for a deposit on a rental property for you & kids

HE is not your problem ! Your his partner not carer ! Normally people who say they will kill them self say it to scare you only they have no intentions to follow through
Does he give any money to the household from his UC & pip ? If not then WOW 🤦‍♀️

I’m another one that thinks you should consider termination of this pregnancy. Having the baby commits you to another period where you are off work, physically and financially vulnerable and potentially suffering again with post natal issues. Longer term it means you would be a single mum to two children, it doesn’t sound like you could rely on him for any financial or practical support, or that you have family that can help. It’s going to be much, much easier to leave as a working mum of a single toddler in established childcare.
He sounds awful, I hope you can make a plan to get away.

A toddler, a puppy and a baby on the way with a partner with serious issues... all in two years. Oh OP just why? Wishing you the best - you know you have to leave by hook or by crook.

New tenancy Laws become law May 2026- all tenancies revert to periodic tenancies which only require 2 months notice from the tenant

I second this.

I'm on the spectrum myself - it runs in the family. Unfortunately, I see online groups for ND folk where some people encourage one another to see themselves as victims who are entitled to constant support from their family with no thought being given to anyone but themselves. There's an idea that others must always make allowances for the behaviour of those of us who are ND.

As soon as someone points out that there has to be some attempt to be self-sufficient, there's a cry of 'Ableist!'

Yes, I know that there are some people who will always need the support of others, but - bluntly - if you're able to post on a forum, etc then you're relatively high-functioning.

In the case of the OP's partner, as a pp has said, he was able to cope before he met the OP. He's just taking advantage now.

I'm willing to bet that he tells himself that it's not his fault that he's run out of spoons...

So far as the money side of things is concerned, I agree that the OP should leave. Her partner's money problems should not be her concern. She has enough to worry about, caring for the child. If her partner tries to prevent her from leaving, then it would be appropriate to call the police. I agree that she should be calling Women's Aid for advice.

So far as a transition period is concerned, I reckon that a clean break would be better. A transition period will only make the partner clingier and possibly more dangerous.

I haven’t read all of the responses but have read all of your posts OP. First of all, you need to speak out to get support. Ideally from the midwife or your Health visitor or a domestic abuse service. They will be able to come up with a plan to speak to you safely and alone. They will also be able to then support you in leaving.
You are doing the right thing. Sending hugs to you.

Echoing all the advice of PPs, but just wanted to add that you are incredibly strong and resilient OP. Unbelievable how you managed to pull yourself through PND while also coping with all the pressures he has added to your life. Just imagine how you could thrive without this abusive useless idiot in your life. Good luck.