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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I don’t know how to leave my partner who I take care of

96 replies

Candygurl444 · 04/01/2026 12:03

Hello, I’m not sure if this post will find anybody, it’s very long winded so I do apologise in advance. 2 years ago me and my partner got together and it was a very shaky relationship from the start, we have since had a little boy who has just turned one and I am expecting another one in the summer. We both live together in a rented property and I have just left the NHS as a nurse and starting another job next month which is more flexible, my partner has mental health/autism meaning he cannot work (he has UC and PIP in place) I am caring for him, making sure he takes his medications and attends appointments. He gets very angry and upset over anything that goes wrong for him (I.e his car) and then it’s my fault, he is awful with our new puppy and tells me repeatably he does not want her even though he bought her and shouts at her when she has an accident indoors, I explain to him that she is young and toilet training takes a while, he just shouts at me and tells me he wants to get rid. He gets frustrated with our son and shouts at him. I cannot take him out as our car seat is in his car which is off the road, I have asked him repeatedly to help me put this car seat as it’s very hard to do on my own in my car so that we can go out, he refused and said ‘it’s too much hard work’ so now I cannot leave the house with my son without my partner. I do not go out to see any friends (the last time was back in September) unless he is with me, I went on a small day trip just before returning from maternity leave without him and said if he gets overwhelmed then to call his parents (they live 2 mins away) and he switched his phone off so that I couldn’t contact him to check on him and our son when I was on a boat all day so I couldn’t go back. When I had my son I stayed in hospital for the day as I was awaiting breastfeeding support as he wouldn’t latch, it was late evening and they advised me to stay overnight as they wouldn’t be able to see me till the morning as partners couldn’t stay, I asked if he would like to stay at his parents which is 15 mins away from the hospital and come back in the morning, he kicked off and had a meltdown so we both left with our new baby at 1am. I have supported him in getting lots of support including anger support for him, but nothing has worked. It’s taking a huge toll on me as I am walking on eggshells, I want to leave him but he has threatened suicide/self harm and said he will go missing again (he has done this before but for different reasons). I told him two days ago that I don’t think I can make it through this year being with him but he had a meltdown and didn’t let me leave, I have no where else to go as unfortunately my mum has a huge addiction to illegal substances and it wouldn’t be safe for me and my son to stay there. I want to earn as much as I can to leave as this new agency nursing job is well paid but the more I earn, the less my partner gets from UC meaning I will have to cover 100% of all household bills and his bills leaving not enough savings, and having HG makes this very difficult too during this pregnancy.

This is my first ever post and if you’ve got this far then I really appreciate you for reading, I don’t know what to do and would like some advice please if anyone can help - thank you.

OP posts:
MorningActivity · 04/01/2026 13:22

VikaOlson · 04/01/2026 13:20

Nothing would happen.

You and your ex would need to agree contact between you, and if you can't agree he would need to take you to court though.

First things first though:
Rehome the puppy - it doesn't sound safe and you can't cope with a puppy alongside everything.
Consider your options on continuing the pregnancy
See if you can get your ex out of the house/off the tenancy - or whether you can leave the tenancy

Show quote history

I feel that, seeing the situation and how angry this man is, it would be easier for the OP to find somewhere else to luve rather than hoping fir her DP to keave wo too much fuss

PhyllisTwigg · 04/01/2026 13:24

he is awful with our new puppy

Have't read any further than this. Rehome the puppy.

Blushingm · 04/01/2026 13:26

Contact women’s aid for help with emergency accommodation?

VikaOlson · 04/01/2026 13:27

Blushingm · 04/01/2026 13:26

Contact women’s aid for help with emergency accommodation?

The OP sounds financially independent - so probably preferable for her to find her own place to rent than wait for a place in a refuge or temporary accommodation.

Snoken · 04/01/2026 13:28

PhyllisTwigg · 04/01/2026 13:24

he is awful with our new puppy

Have't read any further than this. Rehome the puppy.

Me too! i absolutely despise when abusive twats gets puppies. They are the most defenceless little things and abusing them at any age will do lifelong damage. Please OP, at least get the puppy out of your home.

DecisionTime123 · 04/01/2026 13:28

First of all want to reiterate what many posters have said - get the dog out before he hurts it or kills it; this is what abusers do. Go to an animal shelter or charity, say you are suffering domestic abuse and they will take it. You might have to try a few as it's so close to Christmas but get that job done now, sad as it might be.

You are being abused OP and I am not sure you 100% take that on board. This is easier to get through to than Women's Aid and are really skilled at talking about emotional abuse so I'd say give them a call as soon as you can get out of the house to do so:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You would be better off in a refuge than with this man; BTW OP, they are all "good dads" - I've been on here over 20 years since it was set up and any regular will know the "but he's such a good dad" script. Please get help now before the pregnancy advances and your options are limited; I'm not suggesting termination although no one would blame you, but its easier to get out and get away when you are not heavily pregnant.

Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Are you experiencing domestic abuse? You are not alone. Find out how the National Domestic Abuse helpline can support you.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Blushingm · 04/01/2026 13:31

VikaOlson · 04/01/2026 13:27

The OP sounds financially independent - so probably preferable for her to find her own place to rent than wait for a place in a refuge or temporary accommodation.

Show quote history

If she’s at risk they will help her - whether she is financially independent. It doesn’t sound as though she’s in a great financial position having just moved to agency. She won’t have the protection of sick pay etc

Contrarymary30 · 04/01/2026 13:32

The meltdowns are manipulation to get you to do what he wants . You , your child and the poor puppy are not safe in this environment, I wouldn't threaten him with you leaving I would just quietly make plans . Maybe see a solicitor or womens aid to see where you stand . BTW my son ( 43) Is autistic and has MH problems but is the most gentle and kind person I know . Your Partners issues are not related to his diagnosis, he's just a bully . The suicide threats are also manipulation.

Pepperedpickles · 04/01/2026 13:34

Please rehome the puppy. It doesn’t deserve to be shouted at - neither you nor your son do either obviously but whilst you’re making plans to leave at least rehome the pupppy whilst still young to give them a chance of a loving family. It’s one less thing for you to worry about too.

Original poster
Candygurl444 · 04/01/2026 14:25

I really appreciate all of your comments thank you, I do regret leaving the NHS because of the maternity leave benefits were amazing, unfortunately I left before finding out I was expecting again! I know I have left myself in a not ideal situation but really am going to reach out to the support systems you have all recommended so thank you. I feel awful for my poor puppy who has been a dream to train, she is well loved by me and my son but unfortunately not by him and it breaks my heart. I’ve made this home into a lovely, clean safe home for all but I feel it is just being ruined and tainted. I had post natal depression when I had my son and I let this all slide but I have pulled myself together and got help and now past it, but when I look back now, I realise that it wasn’t bay blues or my hormones, I think it was him and I see that now.

OP posts:
Applecup · 04/01/2026 14:36

Please look at a few YouTube videos to work out how to put the car seat in your car. This will give you some independence back. Is it an isofix or just with belts? Maybe someone can talk you through it.

Dolamroth · 04/01/2026 14:36

Can you confide in your midwife? She should be able to help you with getting help from domestic abuse services.

You really need to get out of there ASAP. If you leave and he threatens to hurt himself tell his parents and the emergency services. It's probably just manipulation to stop you leaving.

Can you buy a new car seat? Or look up online how to move it? Maybe with step by step video you could manage it yourself?

Original poster
Candygurl444 · 04/01/2026 14:41

He has agreed to put the seat in himself and has done so, it’s tethered in by straps as it’s a very high end seat meaning I have to remove bolts from my back seats to ensure it fits correctly. Regarding the midwife he is at every single appointment, when I was carrying my son he attended every single appointment and I very much doubt he would let me go alone although I suggested as my toddler gets bored and starts to play up, but he wouldn’t. His dad isn’t bothered, I have spoken to him many times about his behaviour but he doesn’t want to know half the time and tells me to sort him out! Unfortunately my partner spent a lot of time in supported living and so did his brothers (they are still living in supported living) because he feels his dad didn’t not know how to bring them up so he got them all housed in supported living. My partner has never lived alone and needs support however his dad ‘refuses’ to let him live at his making it so much harder

OP posts:
dicentra365 · 04/01/2026 14:47

britneyisfreebutnotokay · 04/01/2026 13:22

Re home the puppy and leave. Stop paying the bills. Take your son and go. Forget about him. He probably won’t want organise himself enough to seek access.

I completely agree with all of this. My partner has both asd and mental health issues, I have none of the problems you describe because unfortunately you are living with an abusive arsehole. Don’t let him guilt you in to thinking you are his carer when the worst of his behavior isn’t due to his condition

SchnizelVonKrumm · 04/01/2026 14:48

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pikkumyy77 · 04/01/2026 14:53

Candygurl444 · 04/01/2026 12:12

Wow, I didn’t expect a quick reply, thank you!

Our tenancy is two years (we have been here for a year as needed a much bigger house)

He has never ever physically harmed me, but he gets very angry and shouts if I try and bring this up with him, he proceeds to say ‘why are you doing this to me’ ‘you’re making me like this’ and it makes me feel like an awful person and I just don’t know what to do.

That is abuse. Everything you describe is abuse. You, your puppy, and the children are continuously being abused. Ask for help and find a way to leave. When he is responsible for himself he will take care of himself or find some other willing slave. He will continue on the path he prefers. You are not responsible for his running away or threatening self harm. Its his preference. Leave him to it.

Eyesopenwideawake · 04/01/2026 14:55

I very much doubt he would let me go alone

Then text or email or pass a note to the midwife or your doctor or even the police. You are being treated like a hostage.

Forget getting his parents involved, you're wasting your time.

Sunshine1500 · 04/01/2026 14:59

You’re his carer and you have a young child and another on the way ?
if he needs a carer, is he safe to look after young children?
id just ask him to move out you’re paying the bills.

Sunshine1500 · 04/01/2026 15:01

look for a good nursery and get consistent childcare and do it on your own . It’s abuse to let children live like this.

gamerchick · 04/01/2026 15:02

I think the first thing you need to do is re-home the puppy.

Mental health and autism don't excuse abusers. You need to stop thinking of him as someone you care for and start thinking of him as a controlling abuser who is trying to keep you trapped.

You know what you need to do, you just need a plan first and if it takes a while. Please don't get pregnant again.

Summerhillsquare · 04/01/2026 15:05

How on earth has this happened so quickly@Candygurl444- who agreed he could leave supported accomodation to live with you? Can he return, has he a social worker, or capacity to make his own decisions? This all seems to have happened very quickly with a man totally unsuited to family life, I can't help but think there must be some professional involvement somewhere.

Brill1antdisguise · 04/01/2026 15:06

Candygurl444 · 04/01/2026 14:41

He has agreed to put the seat in himself and has done so, it’s tethered in by straps as it’s a very high end seat meaning I have to remove bolts from my back seats to ensure it fits correctly. Regarding the midwife he is at every single appointment, when I was carrying my son he attended every single appointment and I very much doubt he would let me go alone although I suggested as my toddler gets bored and starts to play up, but he wouldn’t. His dad isn’t bothered, I have spoken to him many times about his behaviour but he doesn’t want to know half the time and tells me to sort him out! Unfortunately my partner spent a lot of time in supported living and so did his brothers (they are still living in supported living) because he feels his dad didn’t not know how to bring them up so he got them all housed in supported living. My partner has never lived alone and needs support however his dad ‘refuses’ to let him live at his making it so much harder

Edited

When I was pregnant, the midwife told us that they ask mums to come alone for one appointment specifically so that they can ask about potential domestic abuse without partners present. Not sure if it's the same at all hospital trusts, but our was the Mid Yorks NHS Trust. (I would also suggest from your other posts that the reason he won't let you go alone to appointments is because he is controlling and abusive).

Contrarymary30 · 04/01/2026 15:10

Candygurl444 · 04/01/2026 14:25

I really appreciate all of your comments thank you, I do regret leaving the NHS because of the maternity leave benefits were amazing, unfortunately I left before finding out I was expecting again! I know I have left myself in a not ideal situation but really am going to reach out to the support systems you have all recommended so thank you. I feel awful for my poor puppy who has been a dream to train, she is well loved by me and my son but unfortunately not by him and it breaks my heart. I’ve made this home into a lovely, clean safe home for all but I feel it is just being ruined and tainted. I had post natal depression when I had my son and I let this all slide but I have pulled myself together and got help and now past it, but when I look back now, I realise that it wasn’t bay blues or my hormones, I think it was him and I see that now.

Maybe go to a store which will put a new car seat in for . Sorry you've found yourself in this position x

Contrarymary30 · 04/01/2026 15:11

Maybe go to a store which will put a new car seat in for . Sorry you've found yourself in this position x

Original poster
Candygurl444 · 04/01/2026 15:13

Summerhillsquare · 04/01/2026 15:05

How on earth has this happened so quickly@Candygurl444- who agreed he could leave supported accomodation to live with you? Can he return, has he a social worker, or capacity to make his own decisions? This all seems to have happened very quickly with a man totally unsuited to family life, I can't help but think there must be some professional involvement somewhere.

Hello, he was living there as a young teen and then spent many years living with his auntie until we both met and got a place together, at first I was not made aware of any of this until months and months down the line, it wasn’t until we had our son was when the behaviours really started as I was working throughout my pregnancy so I didn’t pick up on them until I was home 24/7 with him. He was driving, going out independent and he had a job when I first met him! I had no idea, he seemed really normal until it was too late

OP posts:
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